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Hello Worthy Forums, I made it here by the skin of my teeth. Honestly, I feel like the simple fact that I can bring myself to even join and post in this forum at all is a testimony to the Grace and Mercy of God and Jesus Christ working in my life. That all sounds good and all but there's a part of me that feels like I'm just spouting off the things that might get me some kind of pat on the back. I don't really know where to begin but I need Jesus Christ and I need him desperately. I guess that's as good a beginning as any, right? Maybe we shouldn't get into the occult 'blood-over-intent' ritual I performed while incarcerated, at my most fearful/angry/broken point, where I made a pact with the devil that I would renounce Jesus and the Father and give my soul, my mind, my body over to Satan in exchange for freedom and favor in the eyes of the courts or how I signed it in blood. That might be too much for some people but I guess I'm going to overshare. That or how I've destroyed virtually every relationship I've ever had, with family, with friends, with romantic partners. Or how I've polluted my brain with every imaginable type of pornographic filth, fetish and depravity (and things that no decent person would dare to conjure in their minds) that has all but totally warped my perception of myself and those around me. Or should we talk about how I grew up in the Church (protestant, non-denominational) and 'studied' the Bible with such a fervent spirit on fire for the Lord, at least outwardly, but took every possible chance to sow seeds of discord and dissension amidst my peers. If there is a sin, trust me, I've committed it. And if I haven't done it, I've thought about it and fantasized about it. And yes, I am confessing before God and all of you here, that means everything. One of the only things that brings me consolation and comfort at all is this verse in Romans that says " For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." I know that God loves me, even as depraved and filthy and shameful and horrendous as I am. I know that He sent His Son Jesus to die for my sins so that I might be saved. I know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. But no matter what I do, no matter how many altar calls I've gone to, no matter how many times I've been baptized (yes, more than once), no matter what I do, there's SOMETHING that keeps me from living a victorious Christian life (does that even exist? maybe my understanding of what that means is flawed?). The devil would have me blame myself, blame my mental illnesses, blame God, blame my wildly abusive parents and traumatic childhood, blame drugs, blame the world, blame everything I possibly can point the finger at. But what if it's been the devil all along? I want to DIE TO MY SIN. My flesh LOVES my sin but I know that my sin separates me from having a relationship with Jesus and I'm SO lonely, I'm so scared, I'm SO broken and I cannot continue living this way without Jesus, without really knowing Him. I can't be a lukewarm Christian anymore. It is ALL or nothing. Will Jesus still take me? Can I be forgiven? - Christopher Michael