Search the Community

(Below is an edited version of a letter i sent to an older wiser couple in the christian community.) Dear ____ and ____, Some time back I met a gal. Her name is (girlfriend). We met working together as CNA's for a program that aides elderly adults. After some time we started showing some interests in one another. We liked each other. The thing that we liked the most about each other was that the other was a Christian. We got along well and I personally admired her work ethic and loved her heart and how she served those that we were taking care of. Things seemed to fall into place and before we knew it we were dating. As boyfriend and a Christian I failed (girlfriend) as well as the Lord. We eventually ended up having sex with one another. As time went on the effects of this became apparent. It was hurting our relationship and was weighing on my conscience. We both became convicted about what we were doing and one night we decided to pray about it together and confess it to the Lord. After a long drive around town discussing the current state of our relationship and our plans to move forward, we found ourselves parked on the side of the road and we prayed sincerely for the first time together in our relationship. We confessed our sins and asked the Lord to forgive us. We asked the Lord to protect our relationship and asked Him to be apart of it. It was a special moment. Two days later all hell broke loose. (girlfriend)'s temperament and disposition towards our relationship has suddenly changed. He called me and confessed that she was wrestling with some stuff from her past and that she simply wasn't "happy" with me anymore. She said she loved me but would need to take a "break" to take some time for herself. While stating this she was extremely mean and over the course of the next 3 weeks of us being on a break the conversations that I had with her on the phone consisted of her verbally attacking and mocking the personal things that I confided in her over the course of our relationship. In her defense the angst in some of those conversations stemmed from me wanting to rekindle things. My application of trying to make things better and be there for her was making things worse, she felt infringed on, but was also giving me mixed messages. She hurt me very deeply during this time, and I made things worse by trying to pursue her. Something in my gut tells me that some of the origin and influence of this was nothing less than spiritual warfare. On Christmas Eve it all came to a head when she told me she wanted to end things for good and never wanted to see me again. A few days later I received a text message from her saying that she might be pregnant. Once again I dropped the ball. Instead of being edifying, I lashed out in a text message back and said some things that I deeply regret, everyday. A few minutes later I recanted and apologized. I asked her to forgive me and that what I said was wrong and sinful. Honestly what I said isn't truly what my heart is towards (girlfriend). I love her dearly. On the 29th of December (girlfriend) texted me that she was indeed pregnant. She explained recently that she want to have no contact with me whatsoever, that she doesn't want me in her life or our child's life. She said that she wants me to not be present for the birth of the child, to not sign the birth certificate and that I should consider terminating my parental rights. I love (girlfriend) dearly and I know deep down she has some love in there for me too. I know the she is absolutely terrified, she is having a child, at 20 years old. Currently her and her family feel that this is the wisest option. Honestly I know that I have made mistakes but I don't think anything that I have done warrants the measures that she is trying to take. I have never hit (girlfriend), I have never threatened her, I don't use drugs or alcohol... I still love her and want to be apart of our child's life. This terrifies me. This hits me in a part of my soul that has been wounded since my childhood. I was adopted and my father and mother were abusive drugs addicts and form the age of 4 years old I vowed that I would never let my children experience what I have experienced. There has been a hole there for many years. My convictions are to one day marry (girlfriend) and to be present in my child's life. (girlfriend) currently wants nothing to do with me. Her family reviles against me. I feel like a bull being stuck to death. It seems that the enemy is winning. Gods silence crushes me and opposes me. How do I fight with wisdom for a woman and a child that I love dearly? How do I fight when two-thirds of my heart are being stripped out of me? How does a young man, who loves Christ, who falls more often than one should think, win back and warm the heart of the mother of his unborn child? My heart is grieved. The only hope that I have is in the Lord. My testimony rests in His hands, the future of my heart is at His mercy. Any wisdom, encouragement, and advice will be greatly valued. If you are willing to spare a moment please pray over this situation, (girlfriend), her family, our child, and I. I hope the Lord can restore this.

If you told me I was going to be a part of a Christian forum a couple years ago, I would have laughed. The person I am now and the person I used to be are polar opposites, and sometimes I'm proud of who I've become and other times I resent myself altogether. I will never regret finding God though - He has been my solace in a world of hurt. I'll be 21 in a few weeks. I was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer last year (neuroendocrine) after suffering debilitating symptoms for nearly two years. It extensively metastasized to my liver causing symptoms that caused me to be so unstable, I had to leave school, work, everything and remain in the house. (Just imagine a life that's constantly plagued by tachycardia, breathlessness, flushing & exhaustion). I still don't really go out, as I'm super unstable. I don't really remember what it's like to really have fun and feel independent. Or healthy for that matter. Shortly before things started going downhill for me, I was at the peak of my life. It was summer of 2013 & I'd just fallen completely in love with my co-worker, who I'd been friends with for years, and started a wonderful relationship. Within days, we were inseparable. We moved in together within weeks, and were never apart again. He is a Christian (raised mennonite) and at the time, I was not close with God, but through this man, I really began to feel God's presence in my life, if that makes sense. I rather appreciated his spirituality - he believes that Christ has died for his sins, and doesn't take things as literally and seriously as other Christians I know. When we first slept together, I later found out that I was his first & that he'd always planned on saving himself for the woman he wanted to marry. This touched me, and I felt a deep hurt inside for a very long time that I hadn't waited for him. I never thought I'd regret not waiting. (I have been with one other person - I had a 4 year relationship in high school that fell apart after graduation) Anyway, he vowed to marry me, and we got all excited about planning a wedding with our friends and family. We'd only been together for a few months, but I knew that this was who I wanted to spend my life with. We did so many fun things together and we never ever got sick of eachother's company. However, eventually the health issues arose, and I received the cancer diagnosis. No more going to restaurants or bars, no more going on hikes, no more adventures, just cancer & death all around me...staring me in the face and threatening to take away the future that I was looking so, so forward to. If life hadn't dealt me such a lousy hand we would've been married long ago, I would have completed college, and I'd probably have at least one child by now. Anyways, he never left my side. I lost all of my energy, a great deal of my spirit, my weight and looks deteriorated, but he never stopped wanting me or telling me how beautiful I was. He stayed in the hospital with me numerous times, comforted me when things got so incredibly grim, and never once cried or complained because he felt calm knowing that it was all in the Lord's hands. I began to pray a lot more. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Things were up and down. A lot. We've never stopped discussing the wedding that we so badly want to have with our friends and family, followed by a honeymoon in Hawaii. We keep a jar by the bed that says "Honeymoon funds" and add change to it a lot... We haven't let go of that. In spite of all that I've lost, our love has helped keep my spirits up. I am so in love with him and I will never love another as long as I live. Recently, I've really been trying to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. I've been attending church whenever I can, I feel extreme joy when I listen to worship music (in comparison to feeling nothing when I was younger) and I'm crazy about God. Which brings me to my current dilemma. Never, ever, have I given up anything for God in my entire life. My own interests and pleasure always came first. I began feeling like I wanted to do something to show Him that I'm serious. I told my partner that I don't feel right having pre-marital sex anymore, although that's been a prominent part of our relationship since we got together in 2013. This has crushed him. He's sad. He's angry. He's distant. He feels like he cannot get mad at me because I'm trying to do something for God and then he gets mad at himself for being angry, and so forth. Last night he told me that the "old us" has died, and that hit me hard. We don't do anything we used to do anymore. The uncontainable joy and energy that our relationship was boundless with seems so far away. We behave like an old, married couple. (minus the married part, I guess, lol) I feel so trapped!! I'm telling myself and him that I'm doing this to get closer to God, but I know that that's not all of it. I know that there's a part of me that feels like this is a way of "bargaining" with God...that if I give this up and make myself completely miserable, I will end up feeling better and I will have the future that I'm dreaming of. Which is probably nuts. My mental health has been on a steady decline since my diagnosis and I've gone through so many changes, I can't believe some of the thoughts I have and some of the words that end up coming out of my mouth. We can't get married right now, as I'm on disability and getting married will hurt us financially and I'll no longer be able to afford my alternative treatments or put aside money for a house.. (We rent with roommates currently) We plan on buying a home and marrying next year. I think we both just have such high hopes that I'm going to improve and we're going to be able to have a real wedding ceremony (right now we're thinking Spring) and I'm going to be able to come off of disability, and we're going to live normally.. I just don't know. Sorry for the novel. Bottom line, I'm not sure if doing this is making me feel closer to God at all. I think I felt closer to God before. Right now, I'm just feeling boxed in, depressed, and uncertain. I'm unable to embrace the man that I've always viewed as my husband, although not from a legal standpoint. I don't want to spend months feeling like this. What if things get worse anyway? What if I die and I spent all this time restraining myself from my partner, who I love devotedly and wholeheartedly, when I could have made the most of the time we have left? This is killing, I repeat, killing us. And then, if I go back to the way things were, and things begin to decline again, I'll always wonder if it's God "punishing me" for not being able to hold myself to this. Is there any way that we can be married in the eyes of God without obtaining a marriage license? I'm so confused. I was researching vows that we could say to eachother at home in the presence of God but I couldn't find anything. :-( I don't know what to do anymore but I feel so drained. I just need some gentle, loving advice. Thank you kindly. <3