Need advice (Warning: heavy topic)

[SemperFidelis07]

Abortion seems to be a big topic on many Christian forums I'm on. Well, this subject got me thinking about an incident that happened to my sister. Pro-choicers talk about cases of rape or incest. Well...It's easy to say "don't blame the baby for the crimes of the rapist" until it's happened to you or someone you love.

My oldest sister was raped and beaten to within an inch of her life with a chain eight, nearly nine years ago by a man she once considered her friend. She was only 18 and she got pregnant and she made the choice to keep the baby. Her fiance (later that year, husband) agreed because it was her decision. But we would have totally sympathized with her if she decided to abort the pregnancy. However, what came out of this traumatic event for our family was a beautiful little girl. My sister bore a daughter, my little niece who I love more than anything and you know what, she and her husband had another little girl two years later.

As for the rapist, that scumbag got 35 years for rape and attempted murder. He nearly killed my sister, he raped and beat her with no remorse, and now he's getting what he deserves. And I hope one day he'll get to see the beautiful result of his crime that the Lord granted my sister. This beautiful angel of a little girl who will never acknowledge him as her father. He's going to be locked away for decades and when they finally release him (that is if he survives prison), he'll be branded a sex offender until the day he dies. She only visited him at the prison one time and that was in 2010. My sister looked that man dead in the eye through that glass and told him that she forgives him and loves him as a good Christian woman. Now I'm only telling you this because my sister speaks to rape victims and encourages them not to abort. I can only hope he finds Christ in prison because I know I can't forgive him for what he's done but I suppose I should because if he hadn't I wouldn't have my older niece.

Well, now I want to write this person a letter expressing my feelings to him that I kept in me for years. Now that I'm an adult, a proud uncle of two, a Marine veteran with two deployments, and a father to be, I want to write to him not out of spite but just the straight facts. Do you think I should? And what should I say. My sister didn't tell him about her daughter, she was very to-the-point with him. I will not succumb to hatred even though I can honestly say I hate him.

Please, if you're going to post scripture, explain how it's relevant.

Edited December 13, 2012 by SemperFidelis07

[ayin jade]

Honestly I think you need to forgive him. I think you need to work on softening your heart so you no longer hate him. I know that is difficult. But we are commanded to love not hate. We are commanded to forgive. Just so you dont think my words are given lightly, I had to forgive in difficult circumstances too. It can be done with the Lord.

I also think you should not tell him about your niece. Your sister clearly kept that from him and it is not your place to tell him. Respect the wishes of your sister in this.

[chloe_fantastic]

Here's the first thing that comes to mind. How about write the letter without thought of if you'll actually send it? Decide after you're done. Maybe all you really need to be at peace is to get it out of you and onto paper. Right now you may feel like you're going to need to send it. This could change when you're done. If you do still feel the need to send it, you could edit it to respect your sister's wishes about what she wants you to reveal and what she doesn't.

I've done this with quite a few people/situations. Once I've written the letters, I've never felt the need to mail them, but that's just my experience. I always left that option on the table until it was time to decide, and I never wrote the letters with a thought as to what I was actually going to do with them. It allowed me to really put everything out there on the table.

Hope this helps. I'll be praying for you and this situation. God bless.

[ladypeartree]

I hope that sharing this with people here has in some way helped as it is in the " bottling up " that feelings of hate stay around. Writting it al down can help people ( just look at all the books that tell of the horror some children face being raped every day of their childhood ) BUT should you send this man ( and I use the term loosely ) a letter NO NO NO NO NO !!!!!! By doing so you give him power over you simply by acknowledging the fact that he is of enough importance to you to waste even the time it takes to write a letter or think of him HE SHOULD NOT BE

As with Aj I wont bore you but I DO know the pain and fury you are feeling ...it is YOUR problem not your sisters and of no concern to this man. YOU need a way to deal with it via counceling in whatever form that takes ( talking it over with someone/writing it down/praying about it whatever ) What you do not need to do is contact this man and let him know that he is in any way important to you.

I pray that you find peace over this and dont let it poison your life any more than it has done

[SemperFidelis07]

Of course I'm not gonna tell him about my niece if I do decide to write to him. He won't be paroled for "good" behavior, the court wanted him to serve his full sentence, but I'm still not gonna open an old wound. Maybe I'll take your advice and write it all down and put it to the side and possibly shred it later instead of sending it.

[NeedYouLord]

Semper...First of all...Thank You for Serving Our Country...My heart just is bursting with love for the men and women that are so led to serve in our Military...Oh dear ...talk about tears right now...Wow...Whew...anyway...Thank You!!! And I'm so very proud that you will get to experience being a daddy...Just going by memory now because I'm not sure where it is...but I think I responded to you talking about ya'll are going to have a baby!!! God knows exactly what He is doing and what you wrote about your sister is so very good...She is helping others that have gone through the same thing...I truly believe God takes and turns around things...have to have people praying though...I truly believe that too...I've heard the testimony of a very well known Preacher in this country that was a product of rape (or so it is thought)...and his mother was going to abort him...but didn't...The good he has done is amazing...But I know that all of us aren't going to be Preachers but you get my point...

I've used writing down my feelings and thoughts so many times it is amazing...And it helps me beyond belief...Some letters I wrote to people and then had to tear them up after I got it all out of me...Hahaha...It just couldn't stay in there any more!!! Hahaha...Had to come out into The Light...so to speak...then I just started imagining carrots were up their nose!!! (During the time I was having trouble)

I'm fixing to say this: You will know the time and when the time is right to write this man...(I also agree to abiding by the decision of your sister in not telling of her daughter)

I just have to tell you something that happened to me (rather someone in my family)...(and you can substitute the word rape and the circumstance-because the result could have been the same) instead of getting raped...of course my husband didn't get raped...but this is about something that happened to him...and what I did about it...

My husband had taken a part-time job as a taxi driver to make extra money...had been doing it quite a while...well one night he was held at gun point...robbed...and then shot at...I could have been a widow with a one year old...and my husband could have been dead...so it was like that man had raped me...if you will...and I won't go into detail how it came all over me to pray for my husband that night and how I could see Angels around him in that taxi being protected...my my...anyway...well at first I went through all the normal emotions...and if I could have gotten my hands on the robber (perpetrator) at one point...but no...that's how I used to live...so now I'm filled with Peace...I forgive right away...(oh I have to practice that one on a regular basis) but God Still Loves me...no matter what...He still loves me...and He created me...and my daughter...and your niece and your daughter to be...and my 2 nieces...oh and He created the man that shot at my husband and the man that raped your sister...God how can You love them? "Because they know not what they do..." So that means they need prayer...they need help so they will know what they do...

I sat down with a piece of paper and a pen...Knowing I had to tell the man what he didn't know...yet

I started telling him about His God...about how he had to be brought to justice...because he almost made me a widow...I started telling him everything that was in me...and most of it was in LOVE...that I hoped that He would ask forgiveness...I wrote all this before he was even captured!!! The man had been doing things for years and had never been caught!!! The thing that caught him was the very next taxi cab driver he robbed!!! and shot in the leg!!! The man chased him down calling the police at the same time...You know what my prayer is: one day he will be on a Christian website and I'll get to talk to him...Wow...Well I wrote and rewrote the letter...God had by then put some good stuff in me...(He knows how) but I have to Seek Him and desire Godly things...

I had a picture of the perpetrator on the fugitive website...so then I could see him from afar...and then came the day of the trial...my husband and I went...I was armed with a letter...from my heart...they said they really didn't need us to testify etc...so I handed the Assistant District Attorney my only weapon...the letter...and I told him how important it was that the man get the letter...he said he would make sure...I left it all in God's Hands...If God wanted the man to read the letter...He would make sure of it...In that I was fully confident...It was a good letter...I felt as if God, Himself, had entered in and was writing to this man that didn't know Him yet...Amazing...

I'll pray for you because I have found that...Prayer helps all things...

Father...I pray for Semper...In The Name of Jesus...that he be led and guided into All Truth...that You make a way for him to resolve the feelings he has and fill him with Peace...Your Peace...Your Truth...Fill him up, Lord...with Yourself...because You are so good!!! and because You have given him a life that is beyond imagination...A Life In You!!! Make him the best daddy and uncle ever!!! And Your Will Be Done Above All...Use us Lord to Help Others, I Pray...In The Name Above Every Name...Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth...It's soon Your Birthday, Jesus...I Love You!!!

[joi]

I can empathize with you in your emotions, and I regret your sister and you have had this experience.

Having said this I can also say that everything you have gone through can and will be used by our Father, if you

can find it in you to forgive this man's actions.

After I was divorced I felt a huge amount of animosity toward my then ex-husband. It was not until I asked God to

help me that He did just that and further, He healed me.

I have written letters and stated just exactly what I thought, and then found that once I had expressed those thoughts

I no longer had a need to say or send them to the person I had meant to. God is good that way!

I have also written confessions and read them to God, similar to the way that Hezekiah spread out his letter before

God, then burned them. I found this was cathartic for me.

I agree that discussing this matter in any way with the perp will show him he has some degree of power over you.

He has been judged and found guilty and the law has taken measures to take away his freedoms. Now I hope you

can find it in yourself to pray for his salvation. Had he not been where he is now, how many of us here would ever even

know he is lost and needs redemption? Now we can join in prayer for his salvation. It is possible that God can use

his right where he is, to preach the gospel to those who are in prison and lost, which is a prison worse by far.

Father, I pray for the healing of this military man who has given much for this country and family. I pray for his healing,

for the healing of his sister and her beautiful daughter and any one else who is involved in this matter, for Christ's sake.

[NeedYouLord]

Of course I forgot one thing...How do I forgive?...I heard this from a preacher and it helped me...and I need all the help I can get...it takes a little bit of thinking about it all...but I found that for me this is the truth...This is how I deal with unforgiveness and forgiveness.

He pictured unforgiveness like this: What happens is: we think the person we can't forgive owes us a big ol' debt...and it's so big...in reality there is nobody that can pay that...

What I do is figure that the only way I can forgive them is if they pay me a Billion Dollars...see they have hurt me or somebody close to me that much!!! So I set out to have this unattainable price of forgiveness...

Well they can't pay that...and no matter what they do...if I continue in not forgiving them...the debt just gets bigger and bigger...Another words...I am setting up something that nobody can pay..

Well I'm in a mess now...I can't forgive them and they can't pay...

So here is the solution: And it is just what Jesus did for us in going to The Cross...He paid that debt!!! And now...the person's debt has been paid...I can't hold it against them anymore...I forgive them the debt...They don't owe me anything and I forgive them like Jesus did me...He forgave me...when I asked...He forgave me...it's really like a great metaphor of it all...but in the sound mind God has given me...It was just what I needed...in order to understand it better....

Love you In Him, Kathy

[Fez]

I can't tell you what to do. The bible tells us to forgive, and is very adamant about that.

Mat 6:14 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,

Mat 6:15 but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses

I know that is a very, very hard thing to do. What I do is what you have already suggested. Start writing to him, but don't send the letter. Pray before you write, and while you write. Then when finished put it aside for a week at least, and pray during that week.

You will know the answer as God shows you your heart.

God Bless.

[Sevenseas]

Wow. I would agree about writing and not sending right away. Put all your feelings and your thoughts down and don't worry about them. God knows our

hearts and all our thoughts and He is not shocked whether we admit them or not. The Bible tells us to pour out our hearts to God....Trust in him at all times,

O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Selah Psalm 62:8...and I have found this very comforting in dealing with hard things, difficult

things that make no sense and you just turn them around and over and over in your heart and mind.

Well, now I want to write this person a letter expressing my feelings to him that I kept in me for years. Now that I'm an adult, a proud uncle of two, a Marine veteran with two deployments, and a father to be, I want to write to him not out of spite but just the straight facts. Do you think I should? And what should I say. My sister didn't tell him about her daughter, she was very to-the-point with him. I will not succumb to hatred even though I can honestly say I hate him.

I understand about the straight facts and how this has bothered you for so long. As scripture tells us, pour out your heart to God and before God...sometimes

we are not even sure about all that we feel....deal with those things before God and reread your letter after some time...a week is good...as others say,

and understand that forgiving him releases you...you cannot deal with what he has done and you don't know how he feels at this point. I would not

tell him about your niece either as your sister did not.

Sounds like grace has been given in this situation to your sister, her firstborn daughter and her husband....I am so thankful to read this and the fact

they have another child.....

I am sure you want peace and forgiveness...in my own experience, this is a process when the hurt has been to awful.

Pray until you know for sure whether or not to send a letter and what should be in that letter. Perhaps, just forgiveness, perhaps

how you felt...I don't know but God does

God bless you and heal you and give you peace.