2. Grace-Filled Relationships: Out-Loud Affirming

[GoldenEagle]

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For reference these are the threads on the subject. This is not the OP.

 

 

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This is the OP of this thread below.

 

These are so good. I’m going to post each point individually for the grace-full section.

 

For a comparison check out

 

 

 

“What is a grace-full family?
 

By God’s design, the primary channel for learning one’s identity, for having needs met, for understanding who God is, and for developing relationships – is the family. Relationships, especially those in families, are powerful. In families we can acquire deeply ingrained sense of defectiveness and never measuring up – or we can develop the inner strength and outside skills to fully function as healthy human beings.
 

In a grace-full family, church, or group individuals receive messages that they are loved and accepted, valuable, and not alone to face life. The following is a list of ten characteristics that best describe those grace-full relationships from which competent, creative, contented people emerge:

1. Out-Loud affirming (vs. out-loud shaming). Hearing is one of the sense through which people receive information about themselves, others, and life. Ears are not equipped with tiny fingers that only let in wholesome messages of support messages of support. Every message gets in. As adults we can learn to consciously push away certain messages that shame us and tear us down. But the fact that we have to do so much work to reject those messages means we have heard them loud and clear in the first place.

In grace-full families, members are told they are loved and accepted, capable, valuable, and supported out loud. Don’t expect people to be mind readers: It is not realistic to think that they “just know” that you care. Phrases like “I love you,” “You are so capable,” “I’m here for you when you need me,” “I’m glad God put you in our family,” “I’m glad you’re a boy/girl,” “I feel good when I’m with you,” and using a person’s name when speaking to him are just some of the out-loud ways to affirm people.

My daughters live in a world where in most places – including church – women receive shaming messages because they are women. Both Holly and I decided to equip our girls to compensate for that, starting when they were just babies: We whispered, “I’m glad you’re a girl,” “I like holding you,” “You are so special.” And we still affirm them to this day. “

From “Families Where Grace is in Place” by Jeff VanVonderen… Ch. 12

 

[Guest LadyC]

i think i'm going to follow this one with avid interest. in fact, i think i need a copy of the book you've been reading.

[GoldenEagle]

i think i'm going to follow this one with avid interest. in fact, i think i need a copy of the book you've been reading.

 

I highly recommend it LadyC

[GoldenEagle]

At the risk of sounding insulting,which is not my intention, I can't help but think when I see a lot of this that it's a lot of over-analyzing of stuff that is bound to be very different from couple or family to another. It also seems to me to be an incredible amount of guesswork. I'm fairly sure I'd not enjoy constantly being 'affirmed' as it would seem phony to me. I'm not sure this is the sort of feedback you are after, but it is my honest reaction so hopefully it is useful in some sense.

 

I recommend checking out the introduction. I realize that not everyone else read the first 11 chapters of the book.

See:

Perhaps understanding that in some families people grow up without ever hearing they are loved, cherished, important, etc.

This isn't a one size fits all. These are merely suggestions brother.

God bless,

GE

[GoldenEagle]

For reference and/or context this was point 1 in contrast to the OP from the shame-based relationships...

 

1. Out-loud shaming. The message communicated is: “Something is wrong with you”; “You are defective”; “You don’t measure up”; “Why can’t you be like…”

[GoldenEagle]

 

 

At the risk of sounding insulting,which is not my intention, I can't help but think when I see a lot of this that it's a lot of over-analyzing of stuff that is bound to be very different from couple or family to another. It also seems to me to be an incredible amount of guesswork. I'm fairly sure I'd not enjoy constantly being 'affirmed' as it would seem phony to me. I'm not sure this is the sort of feedback you are after, but it is my honest reaction so hopefully it is useful in some sense.

 

I recommend checking out the introduction. I realize that not everyone else read the first 11 chapters of the book.

See:

Perhaps understanding that in some families people grow up without ever hearing they are loved, cherished, important, etc.

This isn't a one size fits all. These are merely suggestions brother.

God bless,

GE

 

 

 

That's cool. I suppose part of it is that I was lucky to be raised by parents that with all their weirdness and whatever complaints I may have cared about me and still do. It wasn't through constantly saying "I care about you, you're important" and so on, (though that might happen on occasion through different wording), but concrete actions speak louder than words in my opinion. 

 

I suppose what I am hesitant about most here, and with other relationship advice type stuff, is the suggestion that there is a recipe, and if you just follow the recipe stuff will turn out how you want. Then not only is that a false promise, but it becomes manipulative as well. "If I do x and y I'll get her to do z" rather than everything being explicitly on the table. Perhaps it seems strange for me to say this for reasons you are familiar with, but it seems like a lot of over complication of speaking truth with genuine love and concern.

 

I understand brother. And I do agree with you to a certain extent.

This isn't meant to be a one size fits all formula. Did you read the introduction thread?

For those who may not have grown up with this kind of background this can be extremely freeing.

God bless,

GE

[Willa]

I grew up in a home where there was a lot of affirmation and love. My husband grew up in the opposit type of home. His dad actually told my parents that hubby would never amount to anything.. The thing that affected hubby the most is that I used to tell him that I love him just because "you are you". He didn't have to achieve or make the most money; I just enjoy him for himself and I enjoy his company. I guess my dad had said the same thing to him. However, because he had never received affirmation or even thank yous from his parents, he didn't know how to give them. That often made me feel very unappreciated. I would tell him I loved him and he would ask "what for". He always felt like I was manipulating him. It took him decades to understand that those were my true feelings and my true devotion to him.

Then in a marriage class I learned that most men feel that supporting their families is how they express love and appreciation. I felt ignored when he worked long hours, so learning that really helped me. He wasn't working to get away from me but to express love.

Often men and women think very differently. Perhaps women need verbal affirmation more than men. But I think all of us need it. Some people can't trust it when all they have received has been manipulation. Some think "you wouldn't say that if you really knew me." But God gave us affirmation. Yet while we were yet sinners Christ died for us. It was not because we deserved it but because He made us. We are His creation, the work of His hands, and he loves us in spite of ourselves. This is grace.