A Question About Forgiveness

[WillfromTexas]

Nobody in your family seems to be very concerned about your feelings.  Sounds like you been through Hell and snap your fingers and be alright.  That's just completely unrealistic.  Yes we should pray for guidance, forgive and forget, etc...  But this is still an issue being rubbed in your face even if inadvertantly.

 

This guy is going to be a constant reminder of something bad.  No where in the Bible does it say you are forced to be with people that are a negative influence.  He is a negative influence on you and your wife.

 

I'm from Texas and we're all born cynical and suspicious.  To me it sounds like there's a lot more to the story and your wife is trying to spare your feelings.  All the texting and 3 entire months of seperation...  Oy!  I think hearing these stories is why I stay single for so long.

 

Before I changed my ways and became truly saved and a Christian.  I was in many relationships where I was the cheated on, cheater, or 3rd man.  If you want my honest opinion it sounds like they hooked up for 3 months and she found out he wasn't what he seemed.  They always say he's 'just a friend'. 

 

This is your marriage and I'd say it's time to take out the big boy pants and quit being run over.  You're the victim.  You have every right to ask your wife to sever all contact with this man, her family should honor your wishes as well, talk to the guy and tell him you don't want him influencing your wife and if he keeps trying to contact her there will be problems.

 

That's just my opinion and I don't think there's anything UnChristian about what I said.  I think Dr. Phil would be in agreement too.

[angels4u]

God bless you,all the above replies are good to go with,this is a family matter between you and your wife,what God has joined together let no one put asunder,you and your wife are one,if you don't care,that means you are not doing your job very well as a loving husband,the ball is in your wife court,how can she has a feeling for another man when you are still alive,as a christian it's a taboo,she didn't act like a godly wife,thank God you guys a back together for good,talk to your wife and know her mind about the situation,if she give you green light, please sent that man packing,you are the head of the family,before he rock your marriage,since you have forgiving your wife,you also ought to forgive the man,and ask him to stays away from your wife,for christ sake,she is your wife,you need to protect her to the glory of God,by asking your wife to do away with the man,if she still love,to avoid temptation,some women doesn't know how to reason well,A Stitch In Time Save Nine,"N.B" your wife have to chose between you and the man,in my country it's a taboo,as a christian the early you sent that man packing the better for you and your family.

I agree with Jerry,tell this man not to come close to your wife any more and that he is not welcome in your house .

The Bible says to run from temptation,so why have this man around your house close to you wife? 

 

 -----tell him to go to China! 

 

Sorry I might sound cruel,but this is your marriage !

Trust has to be earned.

[other one]

Thank you for the responses. Yes, my wife and I are both Christians. Since we've gotten back together she refers to that "situation" as an emotional breakdown. "The guy" had been a friend of the family since they were all kids, but really more friends with her brothers. For whatever reason, she and him started texting and talking to each other, (as friends). It got to be where they were texting or calling each other several times a day, all day, every day. She (apparently) wasn't happy with her life, (or me), and began confusing in this guy about our marriage. According to her, he was supportive, kind, understanding, and listened to her, and that is apparently when she started thinking of him as more than a friend. She said she would never have an affair, and decided that since she had these feelings for this guy it was better to divorce me rather than cheat. 

 

As far as whether he knew her feelings: I believe that she never actually told him how she felt. However, she did tell family members, (as I said), including her brother and sister-in-law who hung out with this guy almost daily. So it's safe to assume he had some idea. When I first learned about him, I called him and told him I felt it was inappropriate for him to be calling and texting my wife, and discussing personal details about my marriage with her. He said he was her friend and he wasn't going to let me tell him who he could call or text. 

 

I had no problem whatsoever forgiving my wife. I love her. She admitted she made a huge mistake and asked me to forgive her, and I have... 100%. 

 

I don't know what kind of game the guy was playing, nor do I care. If a man contacted me and told me he felt it was inappropriate for me to be texting and calling HIS wife 10-15 Times a day, at all hours, day or night... I would stop immediately. I can't imagine myself texting and calling someone's wife and discussing her marriage with her to begin with. That this guy completely ignored my request is what bothers me. He has never admitted any wrong-doing, apologized, or asked for forgiveness. I can forgive him for his past actions without a problem. But since he has never admitted that what he did was inappropriate, both in his inappropriate relationship with my wife, (sexual or not), and in disrespecting my request for him to back off... I don't want him around.

 

My wife is embarrassed by the whole ordeal. It's not that she wants to see the guy anymore. Rather, she wants everything to go back the way it was and pretend it never happened. If we have a family get together and specifically tell people not to invite him, that will just create more problems, causing even more friction, and just compound the problem, not resolving it. I can see her point from her perspective.

 

I still don't want him in my house.

 

i can promise you that if she doesn't find those things in blue in your relationship, sooner or later your relationship will fail....       and most of that is your responsibility to make sure happens.   It cost me a lot of time and no small amount of money to understand that. about 40 years ago.....   just sayin.... 

[Dak]

Thank you for the responses. Yes, my wife and I are both Christians. Since we've gotten back together she refers to that "situation" as an emotional breakdown. "The guy" had been a friend of the family since they were all kids, but really more friends with her brothers. For whatever reason, she and him started texting and talking to each other, (as friends). It got to be where they were texting or calling each other several times a day, all day, every day. She (apparently) wasn't happy with her life, (or me), and began confusing in this guy about our marriage. According to her, he was supportive, kind, understanding, and listened to her, and that is apparently when she started thinking of him as more than a friend. She said she would never have an affair, and decided that since she had these feelings for this guy it was better to divorce me rather than cheat.

As far as whether he knew her feelings: I believe that she never actually told him how she felt. However, she did tell family members, (as I said), including her brother and sister-in-law who hung out with this guy almost daily. So it's safe to assume he had some idea. When I first learned about him, I called him and told him I felt it was inappropriate for him to be calling and texting my wife, and discussing personal details about my marriage with her. He said he was her friend and he wasn't going to let me tell him who he could call or text.

I had no problem whatsoever forgiving my wife. I love her. She admitted she made a huge mistake and asked me to forgive her, and I have... 100%.

I don't know what kind of game the guy was playing, nor do I care. If a man contacted me and told me he felt it was inappropriate for me to be texting and calling HIS wife 10-15 Times a day, at all hours, day or night... I would stop immediately. I can't imagine myself texting and calling someone's wife and discussing her marriage with her to begin with. That this guy completely ignored my request is what bothers me. He has never admitted any wrong-doing, apologized, or asked for forgiveness. I can forgive him for his past actions without a problem. But since he has never admitted that what he did was inappropriate, both in his inappropriate relationship with my wife, (sexual or not), and in disrespecting my request for him to back off... I don't want him around.

My wife is embarrassed by the whole ordeal. It's not that she wants to see the guy anymore. Rather, she wants everything to go back the way it was and pretend it never happened. If we have a family get together and specifically tell people not to invite him, that will just create more problems, causing even more friction, and just compound the problem, not resolving it. I can see her point from her perspective.

I still don't want him in my house.

i can promise you that if she doesn't find those things in blue in your relationship, sooner or later your relationship will fail.... and most of that is your responsibility to make sure happens. It cost me a lot of time and no small amount of money to understand that. about 40 years ago..... just sayin....

I'm with you, other one

~

[kwikphilly]

Blessings sremed,

     You know I was early on in responding to your post and I was very curious as to what my(our) Brothers & Sisters would have to say and it seems we have all agreed.....that should be of some comfort to you....my first gut instinct told me that there is more to the story (Will & I always seem to think very much alike-lol)but that is really irrelevant at this point....You have forgiven & reconciled with your wife(highly commendable)and  it is best to leave the past behind and move forward in your relationship and that is what this guy is(the past)....sremed,friend or no fiend of the family,he is certainly not your friend or he would have respected your wishes when you approached him in a gentlemanly fashion and that is all the reason in the world he should not be welcome in your home....it has nothing to do with forgiveness,you have forgiven it seems and he has even rejected that so it I believe you have acted as not only a Christian but a gentleman as well!

      You are head of your household &your wife's family NEEDS to respect that,family comes first,what is wrong with those people....perhaps your wife needs to set her family straight?The Lord is with you & you sound like a Godly man to me,icksnay the guy!

                                                                                                                                       With love,in Christ-Kwik

[Willa]

You are to love her as Christ loves the church. Yes, that mean to forgive her. But it also means to protect her. Our God is a jealouse God and does not tollerate us pursuing idol worship and departing from Him. That is why the marriage vows are so sacred to Him. They do represent His relationship with His church.

The fact that her family knows and were encouragling this seperation, and that they are best of friends with him, means they probably told him. It would seem to me that you also need to tell her brother that you forgive them for encouraging her to break her wedding vows to be yours till death, but to expain to them since he has refused repent from pursuing her even as a much too intimate friend, that you would be a fool to welcome him in your home. Don't lawyers call it alianation of affection? Had he appologized to you it would all be very different. But he needs to admit his error, his sin, to all to make it all go away. You need to protect your marriage above all things.

On the other hand, had your been abusing her, instead of treasuring her and serving her in such a way to make her feel like your queen, you certainly need to examine how Christ treated the apostles. He washed their feet as a servent to them.

Do pray aloud with your wife every day. We have been married 50 years and the 11 years before he was saved were some of the hardest of my life. I had to learn to be a good wife to and forgive an ungodly man.

But since his salvation the one thing that has meant the most to me is his SPOKEN PRAYERS OVER ME AND OUR FAMILY. I join in and also pray for him and our family as well. He prays for our protection and my healing, and I agree and pray for his. We pray for the eyes of our grandkids be opened to Gods love and gift of salvation. These prayers are like glue that bond our hearts in Christ. He also prayed aloud individually for our kids while they were still at home, before they left for school, for them to think clearly while taking tests or whatever their concerns were. They have remarked that this is one of the things that also meant most to them. His prayers are simple and not eloquest, but he is the priest in our home. God has made Christians both kings and priests.

He has gained our admiration and overwhelming respect through those prayers. But he also helps us in whatever ways he can, whether it is to help with the housework that is difficult for me or to help the sons with working on their cars. He serves our family. He also serves our neighbors and is a blessing to them. He does this in spite of crippling arthritis that makes life very difficult for him. So he demonstrates his love to his family the way that Christ demonstrated His love while on earth.

I urge every married man and/or father to pray aloud for his family daily. Christ is even now at the right hand of the Father praying for us. Do be a priest in your family as well and serve them as Christ served the church.

[Dak]

You are to love her as Christ loves the church. Yes, that mean to forgive her. But it also means to protect her. Our God is a jealouse God and does not tollerate us pursuing idol worship and departing from Him. That is why the marriage vows are so sacred to Him. They do represent His relationship with His church.

The fact that her family knows and were encouragling this seperation, and that they are best of friends with him, means they probably told him. It would seem to me that you also need to tell her brother that you forgive them for encouraging her to break her wedding vows to be yours till death, but to expain to them since he has refused repent from pursuing her even as a much too intimate friend, that you would be a fool to welcome him in your home. Don't lawyers call it alianation of affection? Had he appologized to you it would all be very different. But he needs to admit his error, his sin, to all to make it all go away. You need to protect your marriage above all things.

On the other hand, had your been abusing her, instead of treasuring her and serving her in such a way to make her feel like your queen, you certainly need to examine how Christ treated the apostles. He washed their feet as a servent to them.

Do pray aloud with your wife every day. We have been married 50 years and the 11 years before he was saved were some of the hardest of my life. I had to learn to be a good wife to and forgive an ungodly man.

But since his salvation the one thing that has meant the most to me is his SPOKEN PRAYERS OVER ME AND OUR FAMILY. I join in and also pray for him and our family as well. He prays for our protection and my healing, and I agree and pray for his. We pray for the eyes of our grandkids be opened to Gods love and gift of salvation. These prayers are like glue that bond our hearts in Christ. He also prayed aloud individually for our kids while they were still at home, before they left for school, for them to think clearly while taking tests or whatever their concerns were. They have remarked that this is one of the things that also meant most to them. His prayers are simple and not eloquest, but he is the priest in our home. God has made Christians both kings and priests.

He has gained our admiration and overwhelming respect through those prayers. But he also helps us in whatever ways he can, whether it is to help with the housework that is difficult for me or to help the sons with working on their cars. He serves our family. He also serves our neighbors and is a blessing to them. He does this in spite of crippling arthritis that makes life very difficult for him. So he demonstrates his love to his family the way that Christ demonstrated His love while on earth.

I urge every married man and/or father to pray aloud for his family daily. Christ is even now at the right hand of the Father praying for us. Do be a priest in your family as well and serve them as Christ served the church.

:star: :star:

[Isaiah-smiles]

​Last year my wife of 18 years wanted to divorce me for another man. That man was a longtime friend of her family. She has known him since they were both kids..... 

 

​Factors:

​My wife says nothing sexual ever happened between them. According to her, he was unaware of her feelings for him.

 

Just as Adam, who knew what the Word of God commanded concerning the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, should have protected his wife from temptation, shouldn't we as leaders and protectors of our wives and families do the same? I realize that you do not have the foreknowledge of what "might" have happened...BUT, you can protect her now. KNOWING that her "weakness" is this "longtime" friend, do not expose her to this friend no matter what the circumstance is. You do not take an alcoholic to be around a bottle of wine do ya? Then avoid doing anything that may expose your wife to her apparent weakness including NOT inviting her friend to your house.