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LittleFish

Marriage advise

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I have been married for 2.5 years now. I love my wife but I do t feel love from her. I know she had a bad relationship before she met me and I feel as though she takes everything out on me from that relationship. Nothing I do is pleas I g to her even though almost everything g I do is for her. She is very quick to anger with me and very slow to rejoice. I am called a liar when I have not lied and her solution to every problem is for me to leave. I've rarely heard her say anything good about me to anyone. I treat her like a queen but when she says anything about me its always picking apart my flaws and never rejoicing in all the good I do for her. I'm getting really sick of the way she treats me and am afraid that one day when she tells me to leave again I will not come back. If divorce does happen under these circumstances, I guess my question is can I be forgiven? Will I have to live a life of solitude so that I won't live in sin as an adulterer? Um sorry this seems so choppy but I'm typing on my phone at work.

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Welcome to Worthy! I am so sorry that you are encountering such problems in your marriage. Did you not see some of these potential issues before you married your wife? You do no stay whether she is a Christian or not. If she is, she needs to do some soul searching on her part as a Christian. If she is not a Christian, that is why the Bible tell us not to marry none believers yet the unbeliever is sanctified by the believing spouse. This is of no comfort to you however. Have you suggested counselling or is this outside her realm? Does she not see that by putting you down she is putting herself down in the eyes of others? With what judgement she judges you she also judges herself?

She needs a great deal of prayer and self reevaluation but only God can open her eyes and let her see herself as a camera would show. Take it all to a minister who you trust and ask his advise and take it to God and see what God does.

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I have been married for 2.5 years now. I love my wife but I do t feel love from her. I know she had a bad relationship before she met me and I feel as though she takes everything out on me from that relationship. Nothing I do is pleas I g to her even though almost everything g I do is for her. She is very quick to anger with me and very slow to rejoice. I am called a liar when I have not lied and her solution to every problem is for me to leave. I've rarely heard her say anything good about me to anyone. I treat her like a queen but when she says anything about me its always picking apart my flaws and never rejoicing in all the good I do for her. I'm getting really sick of the way she treats me and am afraid that one day when she tells me to leave again I will not come back. If divorce does happen under these circumstances, I guess my question is can I be forgiven? Will I have to live a life of solitude so that I won't live in sin as an adulterer? Um sorry this seems so choppy but I'm typing on my phone at work.

 

Why are you called a liar? Have you lied to her in the past? Why do you obey her and leave?

What are the issues you guys are facing?

Sorry you are going through this. We are here to help. Praying for you and your wife. Welcome to the forums. :)

God bless,

GE

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Guest P_W

Praying for you, Little Fish!  Is your wife saved?  Not that we don't act out even when we are saved, because we do.  No one is perfect, not even the saved.

 

I will give you a few Scriptures on marriage that I think will help.  Lesson one begins in 1 Corinthians 7.  Also, Ephesians 5 teaches us about relationships in the family.  When I study I use the cross references to take me to other Scriptures that give me better understanding.  Online I use biblegateway.com.  

 

As with all things, our example is what leads others to Christ.  I have been married 35 years and it has often been difficult, but we made a pledge to one another and to God.  There were times when our children were ill and it put stress on the marriage, and times when our parents aged, became ill, and passed away.  Again, it strained our resources, our time, and was difficult to console and comfort each other when we were in so much pain.

 

What I do know is that when we put Jesus Christ before all things, and at the center of our marriage, put each other first, commit ourselves to prayer each day, and study the Bible together it strengthens us, and our children.  God must be first in our lives!

 

When we face difficulties, or have a disagreement, we stop to pray.  I suggest you also try this.  One cannot argue and pray at the same time.  You might also ask yourself and your wife if these actions and attitudes you have described give God glory?  But, remember this, it is never helpful to blame each other and will probably cause more problems if you do fall into the "blame game".

 

I am also in favor of seeking help when life seems out of control.  Our preacher has been a great listener and adviser.  There are also those who are trained in marriage counseling, or just personal counseling, as I think your wife may need counseling.  I sense she needs someone to help her heal.

 

Praying for you both and I hope you will keep us updated on your progress.  It is God's will that your marriage be healed.

 

Peace to you and yours and may God continue to bless you abundantly!

 

Always in His care,

PrairWarur

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Little Fish, I can relate to you more than you know!!  I am going through the same exact things.  My wife is not saved.  As a husband I know that I have failed on several occasions to not listen to what my wife wanted or felt.  We guys can sometimes do that even though we don't want to admit it.  My wife has been saying the same thing today as in "it is over" "there is no us" "I don't want to be your wife" "I don't care if you die" 

we have only been married 4 months.  She has also had a very traumatizing past, so have I.  I know it seems like she is quick to anger and so is my wife, today it is because I said goodbye to my daughter before school (I said I was going to ignore her for lying to try to teach her a lesson) So when I said goodbye she saw it as me not being consistent (which I have had trouble with in punishment) 

Bro all I can say is to take this to God everyday and spend as much time as you can praying.  I don't know if my marriage will make it past next week and I know you feel the same but I will continue to pray to God to change things that I lack in my life as a husband and father.  Sometimes we have to look deeper and change who we are first so that God can use that to change our relationships.  I know it is hard, TRUST ME I KNOW!!  Even though she has been calling me every name in the book and and constantly says things to make me feel like I am worthless, I know that in God's eyes I am NOT worthless and the things she is hurling at me is due to anger and hurt AND you have to realize that Satan HATES marriage as it is ordained by GOD.  He will use her in any way he can to attack you so that you give up. 

 

My prayers are with you, don't give up!

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No one should have to suffer either physical or emotional abuse just to stay married.  I realize that the prevailing opinion is to 'work it out' and pray about it but I just don't see being anyone's punching bag.....for any reason.  Just my opinion. 

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Hi, LittleFish -

 

My heart hurts with you. My parents had a painful relationship, so in that regard I can relate.

 

Your wife has a very wounded soul and is acting and reacting out of that wounding. I don't know what you can do for her other than pray for the Lord to minister to her and to heal her.

 

Change can come, but she needs to be able to admit she needs healing, and she needs to want to change. So you can seek the Lord to work such in her heart with His love.

 

I pray the Lord minister to your heart today. I know how much this hurts. :(

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I am feeling very sad after knowing about your marriage. Marriage is a relationships of two hearts. If you can't win the heart of your partner and she always treat you badly then it's better to leave the relationships and move ahead. Relationship is all about understanding each other and caring. So, I advice you to move ahead.

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      According to the pastor, the premise behind all this is that Jacob, a broken man, (I am not so sure he could understand that for a long time,) pursues Rachel, the vision of perfection, in hopes that she would heal him and make him a better man. I am not sure I see all that, but it makes sense, as most men do just that. While the hope of finding something that calms the inward brokenness he feels may be going on in the back of his mind, it is not directly noted in scripture; many things aren't, and yet the more in-depth answers and subjects are there if we pursue them.
      One of the things that I see in scripture is that God is in control, regardless of how lousy the circumstances seem to be.
      The pastor said, “that God gives us examples of people who are messed up so that we can know what not to do.” If that theory is correct, then why would God tell Israel, explicitly, not to learn from the surrounding nations, for the surrounding nations were doing everything wrong, worshiping idols, and sacrificing their children to gods. While I might argue that learning from my neighbor how to work with Iron could be a necessity that would allow a civilization to create water pipes. However, there is often a hazard in close associations, especially with those not so grounded, as it can cause us to be drawn away by the deviant and those used by Satan. Along with that, I have had several acquaintances that claimed to be Christians. One, it turns out, was in a men's home (the men's home is somewhat irrelevant except that you can make an obvious assumption - and that is that the person from the home has had some mighty struggles in the past.) While the leadership of the men's home had mandated church services and Bible studies they had to attend, they could not seem to get the world out of this brother. He, in a short period, took a job on the night crew, and I rarely saw him after that. His reattachment to the world seemed to grow and he left the group home he was a part of.
      You shall make no covenant with them or with their gods. They shall not dwell in your land, lest they make you sin against Me; for if you serve their gods, it will surely be a snare to you. (Exodus 23:32-33 AMP)
      And you shall consume all the peoples whom the Lord your God will give over to you; your eye shall not pity them, neither shall you serve their gods, for that would be a snare to you. (Deuteronomy 7:16 AMP)
      You didn't merely live by their ways and act according to their disgusting practices, but in a very short time, you acted more corruptly than they in all your ways. (Ezekiel 16:47 CJB)
      Is it the person becoming the snare? Perhaps, but what we do know is that Satan will deceive you through any means possible. In some cases, it might be an innocent but attractive looking woman.
      Yes, Jacob's life is one huge psychodrama. He is a liar, a cheat, and a general a mess; he does not even seem to slow down all those years later when he meets Esau again. But there is a method to God's madness. God seems to use broken people; he even seeks them out. He seems to find pleasure in lifting them up and healing them. On the plus side, our savior is a descendant of the line from Jacob.
      My point: That no matter how messed up the narrative, or, our story is, we can and should glean as much as we can from each one, for it is God's story. Sure, you think it is all yours, but it is never anything less than God's plan, you merely get to be a part of it.
      "For I know what plans I have in mind for you,' says Adonai, plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future. " (Jeremiah 29:11 CJB)
    • By clouds5
      Hello friends,
      I decided to at least write in some forum and ask for help/guidance. Here's my situation, I'm not looking for pity or being shamed, I just want to share my story and maybe some of you guys has an idea what I could do/pray for, or something like that:
      I'm a man, 33 years old. Married since 5 years. About 2-3 years ago I was working a good job and doing education on the side so I could continue working in the field. Short version: I failed my studies and had to change my field of work. I took it pretty hard because the circumstances were messy and I was doing very well in my job - only the grades were an issue. Anyway I was a mess for a while but I knew God had a path for me.
      During that time my wife, who was dealing with depression earlier in her life, started developing an eating disorder. When we realized it was time to do something about it was already pretty severe. I prayed for her and I tried anything to help her anyway I could, encourage her, help her make plans on how to eat enough, went to therapy with her etc. But nothing really helped. She played her therapists, she lied to me and to herself. And after ~2years of ED (eating disorder) in our lives, it started to take a heavy toll on our relationship (I'm not blaming her btw, it's the sickness that's causing this).
      I tried to lecture her, she started to tell me things that were not true etc. She temporarily lost her fertility (body shuts down reproductive systems when there is not enough food) and with it, the rest of what was left in terms of sexual desire (we don't have kids!). And me, as a guy who enjoys the more chubby kind of females had a real hard time finding her anorexic body attractive.
      About 3 months ago she finally decided it's time to go to a rehab clinic to really concentrate on getting better. The fact that she wanted to do that of her own volition, was like a miracle. All was looking well for a while. But she's on break now from the clinic and it seems to me like nothing really changed. She didn't really gain weight and she still has her eating habits.
      Anyway. I mentioned I have a new job now and I'm teaching on the side. My life apart from my wife is amazing right now! BUT. I met this woman in a seminar, also married - getting neglected and hit by her husband (human beings are messed up I tell you...), and we immediately clicked and felt connected. We had amazing talks and it was a "healing experience" for both of us, I'm 100% certain that God made us run into each other. But now I'm afraid we're getting almost too close... yay... :/
      I believe what we've been doing is called an "emotional affair" (having an affair without the physical component). Well, we just met this evening before I started writing this and after talking for a while we started comforting each other and finally went to the couch and just held each other in embrace for over an hour. Nothing sexual, no kissing or anything - just intense hugging and a little crying. I have to be honest, it was the most wonderful, blissful experience I had in almost all my life. After a while I started shaking all over my body because of all the happy hormones and that feeling of being loved and sheltered...
      Now I have no idea what to do. I don't want to leave my wife. I don't want to have an affair but I was craving being close to someone so much... And I really can't tell my wife about it - that could make her kill herself (literally).
       
      [e]
      Since I cannot find the reply button I'll edit my post. First of all thank you for your answers.
      If it were that simple. Cut ties, it's a sin, don't do it. I'm too weak for that right now. I know it will lead to pain, probably. But I already am in pain most of the time. Basically, I'm completely separated from my wife emotionally and physically and I fought for like two years to prevent that. My wife told me a few days ago that it's pretty clear to her that it's my fault that she started developing an eating disorder. I wasn't stable enough for her etc... Just to clarify what's the state of our relationship is she is completely absorbed by her ED-thoughts.
      I want to work on my marriage and improve it (it's what I'm trying to do since all this started, we already went to therpy and everything) but as long as we don't have a common ground to build from I don't see the way.
      Btw: I cannot completely cut ties with this woman, we are gonna meet semi-regularly because of our jobs for at least another 1-2 years.
       
      [e2] @Abby-Joy "All that to say ...I needed my husband's love, understanding, prayer, support. He wasn't there for me like he should have been."
      I'm trying to do all that and been trying for the past years. It's just that I'm a human being too, you know. I also have my weaknesses and a difficult past and my strength has its limits. That's no apology for anything - i know the scripture well enough. I have problems with addiction myself - as almost any human has... right? I only recently stopped smoking for example and I could only do that because of the support and faith that other woman had for me. But thank you for encouraging me to go another round.
      This is all very very hard and it's times like these when I understand why Paul said it would be best if we would live alone and concentrate full on the Lord.
       
      [e3] I'll think about someone I could talk to at my church... I came here because I have a hard time talking to people about these topics. It's well known in our church that she has an ED. And a lot of people come to me and ask me how we are etc. especially now that she's at a clinic. But I feel most of them come because that's what you do, not because they actually want me to open up. I usually tell what they want to hear, you know. And since I didn't have a single male father figure in my life I have a hard time talking to males anyway... But that's another topic
      -->Thank you for offer Abby-Joy talking to her. Who knows, maybe I'll pm you about that when the time is right. I don't think that I have to be afraid that she would commit adultery, she's pretty much asexual since all this started. At least that's how she behaves. I'm not sure if I still know her well enough though. She has changed soo much since we first met each other. I think the environment of our marriage (the first years) allowed her to start dealing with certain things from her past (much like you described) and then everything turned sideways.
      Thank you all so much for your replies, really helps me a lot even just writing here.
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