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missmuffet

How to deal with an angry person

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Ever had someone in your face yelling at you?Oh I have and this is pretty good information.

 

 

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/07/26/how-to-switch-off-an-angry-person/

Disengage and don’t take it personally.

People are energy-conserving creatures. Just as most animals attack out of self-defense, hunger or other biological needs, human anger also is goal-driven. Most people, even most violent individuals, don’t walk around the majority of the day attacking and abusing others. They lash out in spurts.

Behind their violent shield, a threatening individual is feeling threatened — maybe not by you, but by something or someone. Their anger is related to you only in a way in which some action or expressed feeling of yours has triggered some discomforting emotion within them.

Threatening individuals commonly are overwhelmed and scared. Big bullies have deeply hurt and vulnerable cores. They are expending their toxic energy to produce their angry display as a distorted way to pursue some goal related to their personal sense of safety and significance. Even though the content may be channeled at you, the driving force behind it is related to their personality, upbringing, and prior experiences. Most of their accusations are based on subjective opinions and are very loosely, or not at all, related to you personally.

Avoid ego battles and rides to the past.

When it comes to aggression, an unfortunate point of difference between humans and less evolved mammals is the ego. Some people are willing to put their life on the line and injure another person physically or emotionally to protect their ego and restore their injured self-esteem. Inflated egos are most vulnerable to the slightest pokes and scratches, which is a common infliction of defensive and confrontational people.

Remember that ego injuries are always the deeds of the past. This is why the great focus of most angry people, when they are arguing, will be buried in the past. Therefore, at all costs, avoid accompanying them on their voyage there. Drain them by letting them give a monologue about their expired accusations. Avoid discussing with them about who did what, when and why, and how it made them feel, but repeatedly ask how they propose solving this problem now.

Remember also that most angry people have a victim mentality. They perpetually feel the world owes them something and other people must fulfill their preferences or needs. What angry people say is almost never factual but emotional in content, related to their fears, frustrations, and bruised ego. Attempting to talk with them almost always fails, as raging people are narrowly focused, entitled, and prone to listening only to themselves.

Choose calm and sanity.

An angry person is looking for a fight. Through their escalation and unfair accusations, they are asking you to engage. As Eric Hoffer said, “rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.”

So, what is needed in the presence of a hot-headed person? A cool-headed person. The constructive response is not to indulge them in any action. When they shout, you keep silent or speak softly. When they come close, you increase the distance. When they say a lot, you say nothing or very little. Some people decide to respond, thinking that ignoring a provocation makes them lose and a bully to win. This is contrary to what actually happens. You win by disengaging. You become untouchable and gain control by increasing emotional and physical space.

Imagine this situation: You are on a road and the driver in front of you drives dangerously and erratically, swaying wildly sideways, speeding up and pressing the brakes, honking randomly. Should you catch up, open up your window and attempt a discussion on proper driving? Of course not. You shift lanes and drive away, quietly demonstrating your intelligence and preference for safety. De-escalate the angry person in a similar manner, by exiting the scene emotionally or physically, not participating in their drama.

Remember also that basic defenses of angry, self-justifying people are projection and denial. You tell them that they are scaring you with their shouting, they say you are the one yelling. You tell them their words are hurtful, they tell you that you told them things ten times worse, plus you are the one who made them angry to begin with. So, what are the ways to negotiate with reality distorters? The short answer is “there are none,” and the longer answer is, “There are none, don’t even try.”

Give out an imaginary cupcake.

Cupcakes are sweet , peaceful, calming and smile-inducing. Raging people often are in dire need of an imaginary cupcake. A big part of their anger is driven by their belief or feeling that they never get any or someone stole or damaged their cupcakes. So, generously give them one or even a couple, even when they seem to be undeserving of any sweetness.

Despite the obnoxious behavior, loud shouting, screeching voices, clenching fists, pointing fingers, red faces and all, most angry people have a sad message. Most likely they are trying to tell you that they are feeling hurt, ignored, disrespected, unappreciated and unloved.

Listening and responding to these needs calmly and emphatically can serve as the key to getting more cooperation from emotionally agitated people. Just say “I think I understand what is going on here, but feel free to correct me, my friend” and so on. Then offer some reflective listening, validating their concerns to an extent. Tell them something nice and peaceful. Agree with them in theory. Do not assign any blame or argue. Establish a basic premise for peace by appealing in some way to the dormant, healthy side of their personality by extending to them some sense of grace, validation, and acceptance.

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Good post bopeep, also with people like us the world is black and white in all situations there is no grey area like most of the world lives in. just sayin from experience.

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I don't respond well to people who yell at me.  I won't tolerate it at all.  I operate on the premise that, if you're angry and out of control, you need to go somewhere else because you don't want to deal with me once you make me angry.  Angry people have issues they need to deal with; I won't.  And, I agree, good post, Bopeep!  :mgbowtie: 

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MG, Im sure; like you no one likes to deal with angry people even I dont and i have  been on both sides many times, I have worked on my issues and have put most to rest. I would think most people may not believe an angry person can consider their self a christian but that is what I attribute to me putting away most of my issues. I still get into situations where i say to myself if this happened 10 years ago i would say something; so I am reminded often of my bad behavior in the past, but today i let them go and say nothing.

I will say the one issue I still have trouble with is people being dishonest it just sets me on fire.

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While a soft answer turns away wrath, I have to say that most of the angry, profane, shouting people I have encountered have hated Jesus, hated Christians, hated most everyone, and were bullies. It is wrong to be a doormat to these people, and replying in a calm but firm and authoritive way is often best. They usually are attacking Christ in us. And Christ spoke from a position of authority. He does the same by the Holy Spirit.

Satan is the accuser of the brethern and he often uses people to falsely accuse us. I have endured this in many forms, from direct assaults to accusations at work. The ones that hurt the most are false accusations from people we thought were friends and from people we trust. But the worst are from cowards who preferred to spread false rumors. When we don't know where the attack is coming from or what caused it, or what we might have done, it is very hard to endure. I would much prefer a direct assult by a threatening profane neighbor than that.

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MG, Im sure; like you no one likes to deal with angry people even I dont and i have  been on both sides many times, I have worked on my issues and have put most to rest. I would think most people may not believe an angry person can consider their self a christian but that is what I attribute to me putting away most of my issues. I still get into situations where i say to myself if this happened 10 years ago i would say something; so I am reminded often of my bad behavior in the past, but today i let them go and say nothing.

I will say the one issue I still have trouble with is people being dishonest it just sets me on fire.

 

I'm not inclined to say nothing; such people don't stop unless put in their place.  I used to get extremely angry myself but I prayed for God to take that away from me....and He did. 

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MG, Im sure; like you no one likes to deal with angry people even I dont and i have  been on both sides many times, I have worked on my issues and have put most to rest. I would think most people may not believe an angry person can consider their self a christian but that is what I attribute to me putting away most of my issues. I still get into situations where i say to myself if this happened 10 years ago i would say something; so I am reminded often of my bad behavior in the past, but today i let them go and say nothing.

I will say the one issue I still have trouble with is people being dishonest it just sets me on fire.

 

I'm not inclined to say nothing; such people don't stop unless put in their place.  I used to get extremely angry myself but I prayed for God to take that away from me....and He did. 

 

 

God bless you, MG.

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I have had to deal with yelling screaming people alot.If you can control your reaction and talk to them in a quiet slow speech it calms things down.If two people are yelling at each other it only escalates the matter.Two wrongs do not make a right.Just pray to God to put the right words on your tongue and in your heart.We are the light of this World and we need to be representatives of who Christ is.

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My anger issues were with people not with God, not Christians, not their faith and not how they lived their life.  I too prayed and begged and cried and prayed and begged to God for help and I know he has helped me a lot. He has not done for me what he did for you and totally clean house. Although I am putting forth a good effort it may not be enough somehow.I hope I get there; for now I guess he left one thing in me which I do work on and pray on daily. And i had several anger issues all are under control but one I know of which is people being dishonest i hate that aspect of people. and I did not stop on my own I received help I believe from God even if no one else believes he helped me with out a total transformation in one day or one week like others.

I just made a comment on the op about one of the things that caused me a lot of trouble in life which was not mentioned. It was living most of my life and everything was black or white never gray.  

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I have had to deal with yelling screaming people alot.If you can control your reaction and talk to them in a quiet slow speech it calms things down.If two people are yelling at each other it only escalates the matter.Two wrongs do not make a right.Just pray to God to put the right words on your tongue and in your heart.We are the light of this World and we need to be representatives of who Christ is.

 

Bopeep, you're right. If you let the Holy Spirit speak for you then you are saying the right things.

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