jk99 Posted September 21, 2014 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 9 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/21/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted September 21, 2014 (edited) I will try and be quick. Spoke to my wife in the past about how I feel about her being a FB friend with people she may have been intimate with in the past. (Not Sex). She deleted those men and told me it was out of being nosey. I did express it made me feel insecure and I hated the fact that those people could have contact with my wife. FYI I don’t FB any ex’s. I see the past as that… I asked her at the time if there was anyone else any old boyfriends, intimate partners etc… she said no. A couple of weeks ago she joined a group relating to her class reunion. It came there might be a picture of the guy she went to prom with…I said did anything happen between you two. She said they kissed but he was more like a brother. She felt she had to kiss him bla, bla, bla. In our discussion I find out he lives in our town, he has driven past our house to see where she lives and he has attempted to start conversations with my wife on FB. She talks back I guess why not they are friends.. I also found out that my wife has been a friend with him for about a year or so. I asked her why the interest and her reply was they were good friends.. I asked why not reach out before if you were such good friends…no real response to that question. When I asked her why she didn’t tell me that he was in the picture or as FB friend she said she forgot and she didn’t think that what she did was intimacy.. I have to be honest; my wife seems to use this excuse a lot…. I forgot.....Am I being ridiculous for feeling jealous? Am I over reacting? I haven’t asked her to do anything about it but thought I would ask all of you..? Ideas. Please tell me if you think I am being ridiculous. Or is this something I should get over? Please advise. Edited September 21, 2014 by jk99 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
other one Posted September 21, 2014 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 29 Topic Count: 596 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 56,043 Content Per Day: 7.56 Reputation: 27,788 Days Won: 271 Joined: 12/29/2003 Status: Offline Share Posted September 21, 2014 if you can't trust your wife on FaceBook, you can't trust her to go to the grocery store.... If you can't trust her there is a problem........ if you are so possessive that she can't have any male friends, you may be the problem. Has she given you any reason not to trust? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sevenseas Posted September 21, 2014 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 30 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 3,373 Content Per Day: 0.76 Reputation: 683 Days Won: 22 Joined: 02/28/2012 Status: Offline Share Posted September 21, 2014 IMO, you might be dogging her some A kiss is not what I would call intimacy. It's a kiss. You do say her actions make YOU feel insecure...this is where you might need to examine yourself to see if you are insecure period...that can lead to possessiveness I'm not taking sides here..just trying to be objective and going by what you yourself have written I don't think you are being ridiculous but some kind of problem does exist...either on both your sides or perhaps just your own Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted September 21, 2014 Share Posted September 21, 2014 you're getting paranoid about her talking to people on facebook that she may have had a relationship or gone to prom with before you were married? that's a bit excessive. i don't believe she should hide things from you, and she shouldn't have private conversations (or meetings) with people of the opposite sex without you being present... but on the other hand, your paranoia may be driving her to hide friendships that are completely innocent. why not tell her you'd simply like to be a part of her conversations with this guy. you might actually like him, too, and may be able to make a new friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFP Posted September 21, 2014 Group: Senior Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 25 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 732 Content Per Day: 0.11 Reputation: 91 Days Won: 2 Joined: 08/31/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/24/1969 Share Posted September 21, 2014 By doing this to her you are in fact forcing her to keep many of her friendships secret. This never ends well. My husband and I both have friends of the opposite sex...one of them is in fact his first love. They don't spend time together or anything but we are friends with the family so their paths do cross and they do chat occasionally. I have never felt threatened or possessive, and neither does he with any of my friends. We do almost everything together socially, and we are best friends. We don't ever try to control the other in any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jk99 Posted September 22, 2014 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 9 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/21/2014 Status: Offline Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) I thank you all for your candor. Many of your points are well-taken and good food for thought. I appreciate the responses. I do trust my wife and I guess my bar for tolerance is pretty low. I was disappointed that my wife felt she couldn’t tell me the truth from the get go and most of the information she offered was free and willing in the sense of a conversation. BFP I am not sure what I am forcing and in fact my wife is a friend with many members of the opposite sex. The conversation came up between us and I thought I would ask on this forum if my feeling were valid. I can assure you (although don’t feel the need to) that there’s no control here. In fact my wife asked if I'd felt better that she delete him and I said no. That by doing so that this was in a sense control and control is not love… Lady C good advice I think. My only real beef was this guy drives by our house and continues to find excuses to contact my wife…not excessively but still tries. I was bummed out that my wife wasn’t a little more forth coming on the info. P.S. If your husband or wife was driving past a high schools sweet hearts house is this not some cause for thought??? I guess that’s his wife’s problem and not mine. Edited September 22, 2014 by jk99 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 I thank you all for your candor. Many of your points are well-taken and good food for thought. I appreciate the responses. I do trust my wife and I guess my bar for tolerance is pretty low. I was disappointed that my wife felt she couldn’t tell me the truth from the get go and most of the information she offered was free and willing in the sense of a conversation. BFP I am not sure what I am forcing and in fact my wife is a friend with many members of the opposite sex. The conversation came up between us and I thought I would ask on this forum if my feeling were valid. I can assure you (although don’t feel the need to) that there’s no control here. In fact my wife asked if I'd felt better that she delete him and I said no. That by doing so that this was in a sense control and control is not love… Lady C good advice I think. My only real beef was this guy drives by our house and continues to find excuses to contact my wife…not excessively but still tries. I was bummed out that my wife wasn’t a little more forth coming on the info. P.S. If your husband or wife was driving past a high schools sweet hearts house is this not some cause for thought??? I guess that’s his wife’s problem and not mine. oh yes, that part would be a problem for me. i'm not sure what the right way to handle that is, but it should be done together. he needs to be told that his behavior is inappropriate and a bit stalkerish. for the record though... my advice wasn't just random thoughts. when i lived in vegas, i managed the food pantry at our church. my pastor had a very strict requirement for any and all church personnel or volunteers (who were married).... that they were never to be alone with a member of the opposite sex that wasn't immediate family. that went for both at church and in our personal lives. the reason for this is that it avoids both the appearance of evil AND the temptation to sin. that requirement came about as a result of having failed to institute that policy sooner... and the subsequent scandal of the music director and a young woman who had no transportation... so he'd pick her up and bring her to church. his wife was not always present, and one thing led to another. after that, it was a zero tolerance policy. and it's a very good policy. it extends to every aspect of life... i didn't give a ride to the man who lived upstairs whose car broke down.... mark didn't go to lunch with female co-workers. those are just examples. in truth, mark's a truck driver so he didn't have office colleagues, but you get the idea. by making that a standard agreement in our marriage, neither of us have reasons to become suspicious or jealous, nobody with prying eyes is given anything to gossip about, and the chances of either of us finding ourselves in a position that might cause us to be tempted to fool around are drastically minimized. same goes for electronics. we don't have private conversations with members of the opposite sex. we share one email account, and "private" conversations with others are really only semi-private. for instance, if i were to send you a private message on this forum, you can be sure my husband would read it, or at least be given the opportunity to. electronic communications can become just as big a threat to a marriage as physical relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jk99 Posted September 24, 2014 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 9 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/21/2014 Status: Offline Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 Lady C (and others) yes we have had some transparency issues both ways. We have been taking after you commented on joining and combining FB accounts. What are the pros and cons of doing this?. Do you or anyone see this a potential problem? is this a breakdown in individuality? Will post on another forum as a general question if nobody sees this... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 Or is this something I should get over? Please advise. Beloved, If You Truly Desire Your Wife To Get Over You Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Ephesians 4:29 Keep It Up He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? Micah 6:8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted September 25, 2014 Share Posted September 25, 2014 Lady C (and others) yes we have had some transparency issues both ways. We have been taking after you commented on joining and combining FB accounts. What are the pros and cons of doing this?. Do you or anyone see this a potential problem? is this a breakdown in individuality? Will post on another forum as a general question if nobody sees this... i think a single fb account is wise. mark and i each have a separate one, but he doesn't even use fb anymore hardly, so he reads mine and i speak for him i do know a lot of couples who share a fb account, and they seem to be quite happy with it like that. as for email, i do have a separate one as well as our joint one. however, i use an email program (called emclient) that is a stand-alone program, and it downloads all of our mail from both our accounts and displays them in a combined inbox. the only reason i have a separate one is because i make and sell jewelry, and use that as a business address, as well as my subscription address for craft sites and bead suppliers. mark doesn't like weeding through that stuff, so he has the option of clicking to view his only, without mine. but in general, most of our correspondence is with family... and even that's kinda rare. we use the phone mostly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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