kbrown2013 Posted December 3, 2014 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/03/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted December 3, 2014 Trying to put a giant issue in a nut shell: my husband has admitted to his issues with anger, laziness, and selfishness. He either says that's the way he is and can't change or he tries reading a book, praying,or a devotional for a couple days...then says he is just this way...something is wrong with him and he can't change. We have done counseling where he listens, actively engages, agrees to the problem and solution but just won't take the steps. We can't afford counseling anymore. Especially if he refuses to do his part...it's worthless. I see my son getting his dad's anger. My husband says He doesn't have time for his devotional as he plays on his phone all night. Our kids need his love And encouragement but he seems to hate coming home and says he just can't wait for them to get in bed (I sometimes relate but after a full rough day with the kids). We have a great life but he doesn't seem to to think so. He seems miserable but not miserable enough to DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT. how can I submit or consider him head of our home? How can I respect him and not resent him? We struggle financially because he is in a commission job and Just has a lazy bad attitude about it. So we have very little money now, and he knows he needs a New job but has no motivation to look for one. So I do it and suggest some and he shoots them down. I have tried the encouraging approach and he thinks all is well and stays lazy. I try to motivate and he shoots me down. I try telling him how I feel and how this affects me and kids...he says I just make him feel like crap and it's not helping and loses his temper. Its just impossible...but I'm bound to him. Pray for me. I will take any advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted December 3, 2014 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,991 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,689 Content Per Day: 11.81 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted December 3, 2014 A legal separation is not a divorce.I say "legal" so you will have the law behind you and can get financial support.What you have mentioned is not grounds for a Biblical divorce.It is not to your childrens advantage to stay in this environment.Do you work outside the home?This might be the opportunity to think about that.This may take a "tough love" approach.If he loves you and his children he will then make the moves to get you back and love you like the Lord wants him to.He is not being the husband and the father that the Bible speaks of.You need to pray for your husband,your children and yourself a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 3, 2014 Share Posted December 3, 2014 Praying~! Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son. Genesis 18:14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbrown2013 Posted December 3, 2014 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/03/2014 Status: Offline Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 Thanks so much for these responses. I never really thought about it but I am scared we would have to separate for him to realize this isn't something he can do until I get angry,enough,and blow,up and then he says he is sorry,and,will change,for a week and the cycle continues. Its also getting harder and harder to overcome resentment when we try to repair things. He forgets instantly and I just can't. I sometimes cringe when he touches me intimately because I don't trust he is changing for the long haul and will break my heart again. As far as HOW to separate, I have no idea how. After my 2nd baby was born 6 months ago we decided I should stay home with the kids because the cost of childcare for 2 kids was what I made at my job. I don't know where I would go that wouldn't overturn my kids lives...my oldest is in school and all. I can't afford to rent a place and if he gave me child support there's no way he could pay the mortgage...we would lose our home. I suppose the only solution I see would be for him to stay on a friends couch only if it were free. I could look for odd jobs like babysitting or cleaning to pay for the extra cost of him having to eat meals out while separated. I can't decide what is worse foe the kids...having a miserable dad or the fear of us divorcing. To give you more background that complicates things...this is my 2nd marriage. My first husband went to Iraq for a year. He came home with ptsd and left my son and I. I was single for 4 years when my current husband came along. I and so many others prayed a Christian man would come along and fall in love with my son and I. We have only been married 2 years and have a 6 month old baby together. He loves her like crazy and I do know he loves my son and I too. He hates himself for being a disappointment but he also manipulates my sympathy for all his failures. I'm not sure what I could have done to prevent this. I felt clearly that God wanted this man for me and vice versa. But until we bought a ho use and had a baby and dealt with the stresses of life that no one deals with during dating... I had never seen this side of him. Sorry this is so long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted December 3, 2014 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,991 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,689 Content Per Day: 11.81 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted December 3, 2014 Thanks so much for these responses. I never really thought about it but I am scared we would have to separate for him to realize this isn't something he can do until I get angry,enough,and blow,up and then he says he is sorry,and,will change,for a week and the cycle continues. Its also getting harder and harder to overcome resentment when we try to repair things. He forgets instantly and I just can't. I sometimes cringe when he touches me intimately because I don't trust he is changing for the long haul and will break my heart again. As far as HOW to separate, I have no idea how. After my 2nd baby was born 6 months ago we decided I should stay home with the kids because the cost of childcare for 2 kids was what I made at my job. I don't know where I would go that wouldn't overturn my kids lives...my oldest is in school and all. I can't afford to rent a place and if he gave me child support there's no way he could pay the mortgage...we would lose our home. I suppose the only solution I see would be for him to stay on a friends couch only if it were free. I could look for odd jobs like babysitting or cleaning to pay for the extra cost of him having to eat meals out while separated. I can't decide what is worse foe the kids...having a miserable dad or the fear of us divorcing. To give you more background that complicates things...this is my 2nd marriage. My first husband went to Iraq for a year. He came home with ptsd and left my son and I. I was single for 4 years when my current husband came along. I and so many others prayed a Christian man would come along and fall in love with my son and I. We have only been married 2 years and have a 6 month old baby together. He loves her like crazy and I do know he loves my son and I too. He hates himself for being a disappointment but he also manipulates my sympathy for all his failures. I'm not sure what I could have done to prevent this. I felt clearly that God wanted this man for me and vice versa. But until we bought a ho use and had a baby and dealt with the stresses of life that no one deals with during dating... I had never seen this side of him. Sorry this is so long. The cycle that you are experiencing is the cycle of the abuser.They will bring you flowers,cry or say they will never do it again but.....they will.I wonder if there is a mental illness behind all of this?I too have experienced what you are going through.I dated a man for 5 years.He could have won an academy award.This was my second marriage as well.There were a couple of things while we were dating that put up red flags and I broke up with him.It broke my heart to see him begging.I guess I was too much of a soft touch.A couple of months after we were married I saw the real "him".I felt like I wanted my money back.He was very abusive. This terrible abusive pattern will never change in him and it could possibly get worse unless you take action. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted December 4, 2014 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,991 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,689 Content Per Day: 11.81 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted December 4, 2014 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbrown2013 Posted December 4, 2014 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/03/2014 Status: Offline Author Share Posted December 4, 2014 Thank you SO much for your input. Although I see characteristics of the "cycle of abuse" theory (which is just did some research on) in our marriage...it is on BOTH of our parts. I think my husband genuinely hates that he is like this and Kinda pouts because he feels it's unfair that he has these tendencies and has to fight them so hard every day. It is heartbreaking to see him beat up on himself. Most of his anger is inward at himself. I know he feels incompetent is many ways as a man because unfortunately...I am leading our home in many ways. I know this isn't biblical and it is likely causing some of the damage. I was a single mom for so long that I was comfortable working, managing our calendar, budgeting, providing...doin it all. So when we married and he was used to being a bachelor...not a dad and husband...we just fell into these rolls. He felt I was better at them than he was anyway. But one sermon stood out to me...when the pastor said MEN...don't allow yourself to not be the head of your home. I do wish he would step up and make some decisions. He says he is easy going and just doesn't care but I wish I had a little help in calling the shots...I have to beg for some input from him usually. I think it's just easier for him to let me handle things but I also think it has killed his confidence and trust in himself. Also...the job change is dead on. We had a professional counselor recommend that sales is not for his personality because a bad sales day totally effects his mood or a good one makes him happy but for some one who's mood shifts so easiey by outside forces...a performance based income may not be a good fit. I AGREE. I will not be separating unless there become signs of real abuse. I do not consider myself abused right now although some people would consider neglect abuse I just don't. Im sure I've unintentionally neglected to love him the way I should also. Every time I think about separation my heart just stops...it would ruin everything. I do love him and hate this battle he faces and seems to have to face alone. I can't abandob him and may need to abandon my own needs for a time and rely on God alone to meet My needs for this time. Sometimes being a wife may be painful, and I think I will feel that. I do make our own baby food and cloth diaper not because of health reasons but money reasons. It was our deal when I stayed home that I would look for cost cutting opportunities while home with the jids. He sees that work and seems to appreciate it. He works hard to help with things around the house when he sees things to get done, the laziness is more prevalent during family time or when I would love to see emotional effort...conversations with our son or maybe asking about my day and participating in conversation. He is TOTALLY a person who needs time to himself, and I will need to work on seeing this. It frustrates me because he says he needs to read the bible and spend time with God to get right and that's why everything isn't well in our home... But then plays on his phone or video games instead of making god priority. He prays with me but only when we face hardship or when he sees I am truly at a loss or worried over something. I know he wants to be a good husband. Just can't seem to follow through with the actions to change because he refuses to believe they will work... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted December 4, 2014 Share Posted December 4, 2014 kbrown, don't underestimate the power of prayer. several years ago, i felt very much like you.... alone in a marriage. i won't go into the details right now. they aren't relevant anyway. but i WILL go into detail about what was relevant, and what did change. me. i changed. i made a commitment one year... the one and only time i ever observed "lent". i committed to giving up nagging for forty days. and it wasn't just as "simple" as that (partly because giving up nagging is never an easy task!). i committed to praying. every single time my husband did something or said something or failed to do something, every time i felt frustrated or disappointed or hurt, i bit my tongue and prayed that God would bless my husband. i think God answered those prayers. i KNOW He answered those prayers. He answered them by blessing my husband with a wife that was committed to lifting him up in prayer. He answered them by blessing my husband with a wife that didn't nag, whine, cry, or make him feel belittled in any way. God answered those prayers by remaking ME. and when i changed how i handled my husband's shortcomings (as i considered them), how my husband responded to me changed as a natural consequence. when all you have left is prayer, ya learn that prayer is really all ya ever needed in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cog Posted December 4, 2014 Group: Seeker Followers: 0 Topic Count: 8 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 143 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 32 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/09/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted December 4, 2014 (edited) It sounds like you have everything you need financially. Are you on government support? Also, I don't know where you're from, or how you were raised, but nobody, absolutely no one (that I know of) had the kind of dad that was a nurturer or housekeeper. When dads get off work they go to the den/living room and watch tv or read (or I guess in this day and age they sink into their computer/phone), or they go to their shop/garage/driveway/basement and tinker or make something that's needed. Further, and as a child, if you needed your dad's advice, you'd ask him, and then promptly get out of his hair - that is what a dad was to everyone I know. Dad: the person who has the last word on a family/spiritual matter and the person you ask advice of or bother for physical/spiritual/analytical needs only [and maybe, if you're lucky, you get to build something together or play catch once or twice in your life, or maybe he is a tradesman and he teaches you his trade], and that's all you get... you do not get a nurturer or housekeeper out of dad. Mom: the person who nurtures and nurses the family and its' house/nest. And I don't know why no one has defended your husband, yet, but if he has a job which houses, feeds, and clothes you all, AND he actually listens to anything other than physical/spiritual/analytical matters, at any time, then he wins the dad/husband of the year award. As for advice, I think maybe you should ease off of dad and let him be "lazy" - he is not made to be a nest keeper, that is what women do. You shouldn't be a nag. If you are unhappy with the way your home is, you need to maintain it yourself, and have the man supply what is needed for you to do that. If you need a twig, tell him, he will go get it, bring it back, and you put the twig where it needs to be, and keep the twig clean - dont expect, or get hurt feelings, when he doesn't care about that sort of thing - no man does - we are pigs and we will wallow in a mess if a woman doesn't care for the house/nest - we do not care what it looks like. If you are on government aide then maybe you all could grow a garden and have the whole family work together at learning self-sustainable practices, which will probably be direly needed in times to come and one in which the hubby will enjoy partaking in with the kids. Edited December 5, 2014 by Cog Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted December 5, 2014 Share Posted December 5, 2014 cog, you are right that the man's role is the spiritual head of the family as well as the bread-winner. but you are wrong that a man should be off the hook for anything else. your response may be culturally accurate, but it's not biblically accurate. the husband is to LOVE the wife. part of loving the wife is making sure her emotional needs are met. a father is to train his children. you don't train children from a cell phone. the family is to work together as a unit. the husband doesn't have a role that ends when he punches the time clock! if he's not an active member in the family unit within the home, then he's not meeting his obligations. all that being said, my advice to k stands... she can't change her husband. only God can. and God can accomplish that if she will allow God to change her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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