Marriage

[Righttruth]

I got a question and I'm really struggling with this lately.

" he don't care about me or my feelings, so why should I keep pretending he does" this keeps running thru my head, several years of marriage, turning the other cheek, I keep forgiving and overlooking this and that, but it's a daily battle, he can't even say good morning, never know where he is at or what he is doing, even basic politeness is gone and quite honestly never existed , ever. There is no I'm going to be home late or how is yor day, quite honestly I could do anything I want and truly never worry about giving a answer because he don't even ask nor shows any interest in my life or day. I honestly feel like a intruder in my own home and because he makes more money then I do and has to foot more of the bills, he feels like he owns everything , everything is his and if I don't like the way he is I can leave attitude. I keep looking to God and have managed thru by the grace of God, but the hurt it goes so deep and one begins to harden themselves to their spouse in order to deal with the daily isolation and feeling like you don't exist , not even in their presence are you remotely acknowledged. I'm trying to be a good Christian and I have to work at it daily to control my thoughts towards him and remind myself God is in control. But some days, like today I swear I can't take another day of it

 

Do you have any children?

[Whispers]

We bear children who later in life do things to hurt us. From rebellious teens to acts of sexual immorality and even criminal acts of violence. Our own children hurt us as parents. Our own children can become the greatest source of pain and suffering in our lives. They can hurt and sin against us in ways that cut so deep since they are our own flesh and blood.

 

God allows for pain and suffering in all aspects of our lives.

 

From the young child in the cancer ward dying a painful death to acts of total evil depravity committed upon innocent women and children throughout the world on a daily basis. Pain and suffering is part of life and there is not one patriarch in the Bible that did not experience pain and suffering in their lives.

 

Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16) What some people fail to understand is that all aspects of our lives including marriage is part of that suffering and part of denying oneself and taking up their cross.

 

As Children of God we not only will experience suffering but God says it is an absolute guarantee. “Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted” (2 Timothy 3)

 

God calls for us to suffer as His beloved Son did while on earth. “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps” (1 Peter 2).

 

Suffering throws a hand grenade into our self-centerdness, blasting our soul to the core. But by doing so we can be better bonded to the Savior. Our afflictions help make us holy. We become more like Jesus.The suffering we experience in raising children and in our marriage should mold us to be more like Christ Jesus.

 

God knows and guarantees that we will suffer pain in all aspects of our lives. In the raising of our children, in our marriage, in our daily lives, in all areas.

 

What God is concerned about is how we react to life’s persecution and pain, including marriage. Our sanctification will grow or regress based on our responses.

 

Responding in divorce is not God’s Will.

 

“and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Mark 10)

 

Responding as God call us to respond is God's Will. The response is laid out in God's Word. If the spouses seek Jesus and His healing and His guidance, God will heal and grow that marriage in ways that are unfathomable. God is capable of healing, restoring and renewing any marriage if you let Him.

Edited August 16, 2015 by Whispers

[RustyAngeL]

I've been praying and praying, begging God to help me in this situation--DO something--set me free. I've spent a lot of time away, first in a visit to my parents, then on an agricultural science trip and a few weeks later, in another visit up north with my family. I just couldn't do it anymore. The stress of work and this unhealthy home situation had pushed me to the breaking point. I was filled with dread at the thought of another year. Over and over in my mind was the thought, "I can't do this anymore." I was so happy to be up here, near my family. It was like stepping  back in time before all of this mess ever happened. My parents used to counsel against divorce, but when they learned more about what I'd been through, their views began to change. My dad hadn't said much up to this point, my mom had basically told him to keep his mouth shut! (In her defense, I guess he'd said he kept sticking his foot in his mouth.) But finally, on a fishing trip with Dad, we began talking openly. My dad is his best in a boat. He shared his viewpoint and I was astonished at how clearly he saw the whole thing--even more clearly than I did in some respects. It was a relief to know that it wasn't just me. I had been beating myself up, feeling like a "bad wife" that any time I was in my husband's company I had to divert conversation to "safe" waters, (basically, talking about the weather and...well, yes, that's about it.) I would feel like such an impatient witch to have to grit my teeth and not say anything and he would continue to say and do the same things, over and over again, until he got a reaction. (Not usually a positive one.) It was rather like that obnoxious kid in the classroom doing anything to get attention--negative attention if nothing else. Then my dad shared how exhausting he found my husband's company. It was draining and unhealthy. He began avoiding phone calls the way I avoided my husband's company.

 

A few days later, my dad woke me up at 3:00 in the morning (when we'd planned to get up to go fishing in time for the early tide.) He said he was just too exhausted and hadn't been sleeping well. Neither had I. I suddenly started crying and we talked for three hours. He said, "God doesn't want any of His children to have to live like that." He said he couldn't even began to imagine what it was like to live through the pain I've been through. I've so often felt it was wrong to leave and feared that if I did, my husband would do something drastic. After a scene with a gun in the beginning of our marriage, everything changed. I stopped telling him anything I thought or felt, hid my heart behind castle walls. Lately I just kept begging God to Do something, PLEASE, set me free. One sleepless night a quiet voice said, "God isn't going to do anything. He is asking you to do the brave thing." It was very difficult, but He led me through and I have a new life to create and an openness to grow and change in many ways. I've been getting stronger and healthier these last two years, and out of that situation, I know God will be able to strengthen and heal me even more.

 

To Godlovesme and anyone else in a similar situation, I pray that God will guide your steps in whatever direction He chooses and that you all will also experience the same freedom in peace, however that may take shape. Hugs , prayer and love to anyone out there in this loneThis 

This may sound odd but I hope it will become clear.  Stop begging God for something He is already at work doing.  Start claiming and thanking Him for what He is doing and is going to continue to do.  You have already been set  free, remember?  Whom the Son sets free is free indeed.  Whatever you think you need or want, God has already won it for you if you just reach out and claim it.   I"m not talking about name it claim it type of thinking.  I'm  talking about throwing yourself fully on His Grace and His Mercy and taking what He is freely offering you.  Remember what the scripture says,"Be still and know that I am God"  Maybe you  need like most of us,to stop asking, talking, begging, and just be still and listen to that still small voice in us, and know that He is God and He will never let us down or disappoint us.   I hope this all makes sense.  I know I have a tenancy to think the worst right off the bat.   Example....

 

A few weeks ago my dog Stevie G, my Golden Retreiver/ Lab mix started to limp, just all of a sudden.  I of course panicked.  My mind went right to bone cancer.  If I had thought it through, used my head I would have realized that it started very suddenly like over night.  A dear sister here at Worthy made me see that my "panic diagnosis" would have made no sense.  She made me understand that it  was most likely a sprain or she had pulled something, since the day before she was fine.  I got some K-9 aspirin, started giving it to her and within a few days she was fine.  Had I  listened to my heart, given it to my Heavenly Father I would have known it was just that, something simple.

 

So pull back, sit and just listen to your heart, God will  never do anything that is not backed up by His Word and will never cause confusion.  God Bless. 

[Pro1728]

To both of you, don't presume that I'm not willing and open to what and wherever God leads. If I wasn't falling completely into His arms right now, I wouldn't be here. (this new state/job situation.) Obviously I'm not making myself clear to either of you. I don't need your approval anyway. I just didn't want Godlovesme to hear this when it sounded like, "Buck up and have more faith."

 

Whispers, you've no idea how much I've grown and strengthen in this as 1 Peter and James 1 would say. I certainly wouldn't make assumptions on what God is saying to you and where your heart is with Him.

 

 

But never mind. This isn't particularly worthwhile. I really only came here to check on my friend.

[desi2007]

hello Godslovesme,

 

I am sorry to read that your going thru a difficult time with your marriage. Marriage is hard and it takes two people with God's help to make it. If I could point you in the right direction here and that would be...take care of you...work on you. Maybe this is where God is wanting you to have courage to pick up a new hobby or go back to school for something you enjoy. """ Life is all about growth """"  Let God work on the marriage just give it to Him and then work on you. And trust me as time moves on and less time on worrying about marriage will give you a better perspective on life. praying for you.

 

desi

 

 

[Godlovesme]

When someone doesn't desire to know you anymore theres not much you can do, but if you still desire to know him it will only be a one way relationship. It's up to you if you want that, and I can't decide that for you.

I'm finally accepting that. 

[Godlovesme]

Ok, I've read all the responses , thank you, hard to reply to each and every one so I apologize. 

To sum things up I have went numb, I admit I'm not strong enough to deal with this marriage as it is, I've given it to God a long time ago. I get moments where I can't deal with it and let loose and eventually find my way back to shutting up and putting up.  I try to keep my mind on other things 99% of the time, but when you live with someone it's really hard not to notice what's missing what's not right and what's hurting you. For a moment after I first posted this I saw a ray of hope, he got a little nicer, even shown a thoughtful attitude a time or two but as always there was a curve ball coming and I let myself be vulnerable only to be a fool. I have now pretty much shut down completely. I'm not mentally strong enough for the curve balls. I guess I'm just not very good at being a Christian.  

[hmbld]

Reconciliation, forgiveness, love, hope, relationship, patience, joy, perseverance. All good things to contemplate. 

 

Lies from satan, never leave you in a better place. They only destroy. 

 

Our Lord Jesus desires realionships. 

 

What advice you listen to is most important, you must choose if you listen to advice that brings life, or advice that brings death. 

 

Hardening your heart in an effort to protect actually produces the results you don't want. 

[Godlovesme]

Lies from satan, never leave you in a better place. They only destroy

what lies is that? That my husband does not care about how I feel? Satan doesn't need to tell me that , I witness it , I live it.  He held my hand while he told me he won't go anywhere with me or do anything with me or be anywhere where people know us.... Not in those exact words but that was the jift of it.  He speaks in a condescending manner to me,if I ask for help with anything I'm told " do it yourself"  exactly who is listening to who? 

Takes 2 to reconcile. 

 

What advice you listen to is most important, you must choose if you listen to advice that brings life, or advice that brings death. 

My eternal life or my marriage?  

 

hardening my heart? Yeah it happened, but not without a fight, so happens I couldn't take the pain anymore.  It was a live or die situation , so either way I lose, being vulnerable is what gets you hurt and sometimes you just can't pick yourself up from it and wipe yourself off like nothing happened.  Maybe the husband shouldn't be so careless with what he was given to him.

 

 

[hmbld]

Live or die situation?  Do you recall who wielded the knife?  You always say if you knew I loved you enough to die for you, your actions and feelings would be different. The day I held the door shut to prevent you from using that knife is the day I decided not to leave you for any reason. Fully expecting it to cost me my life. Still, I love you. You need to heal.