Marriage

[missmuffet]

 

To be in a loveless marriage between two people calling themselves Christians sucks. I speak from experience.

In my case I had to get honest with myself when I didn't even know I was lying.

Fear, self-delusion, self-pity and self-seeking were my masters. I had let the love of God pass me by.

I healed. She did not. I am happily and usefully whole outside of my relationship. She continues to search for happiness.

God bless her.

Gdemoss.. Generally, women finds it harder to do so than men. Men at one point finds it easier to move on. Most women take time or probably never...

 

I disagree.I think there are some men who have a difficult time moving on and coping.

[Estrella]

To be in a loveless marriage between two people calling themselves Christians sucks. I speak from experience.

In my case I had to get honest with myself when I didn't even know I was lying.

Fear, self-delusion, self-pity and self-seeking were my masters. I had let the love of God pass me by.

I healed. She did not. I am happily and usefully whole outside of my relationship. She continues to search for happiness.

God bless her.

Gdemoss.. Generally, women finds it harder to do so than men. Men at one point finds it easier to move on. Most women take time or probably never...

I disagree.I think there are some men who have a difficult time moving on and coping.

Yes there are too

[Godlovesme]

Before you can try to fix the problem, you have to determine what got you to this place.  I am pretty sure it wasn't like this at the start, and it probably didn't become like this overnight for no reason.  All we are getting here is the situation as it exists today.  Don't just make wild guesses as to what you might be able to change to cause him to change his behavior.  Think back to when this started.  Was there a big event that took place, like some kind of fight or major disagreement?  Were there little things that gradually led to the current conditions?  Figure that out, and then try to reverse course.  If you honestly don't know, maybe you should ask him outright?  Rather than discussing the things you don't like today, and asking him to change them, only to have him tell you to try to be happy, ask him how you got here, and how things could be made better.

I thought about this a lot, and I know where it went bad or least whereabouts. When we first met it was nice but I didn't take notice to certain things until it was to late. I once was a confident person , may not of been the smartest but didn't consider myself dumb. I wasn't a model but I sure didn't think I was ugly. I jumped in head first, looking back I realize that was a mistake, but at the time I thought I could love him through his issues. It started out with insults when he got mad, he was so jealous I couldn't even look out the window when cars were passing he would get mad. He made it very clear to me that he sure didn't think I was that pretty, called me names, you know the score, he would use the word whore a lot when he got upset with me, if guys paid me attention he even went on to tell me how he didn't understand that, that I just wasn't that good looking, that was a convo we had when we were getting along. I use to be part of family gatherings, hardly ever missed them , after I was with him that all stopped. I was told I was fat at 112lbs, he made fun of the way I talked and talked very condescending to me. Even back then there wasn't really any time spent together and he had other priorities,(porn) we were very young, I rebeled and would go out with my girlfriend, I was very immature. I suppose he got hurt during that time in our lives but at the time I had the attitude he didn't care about me so I didn't have anything to lose. Somehow we survived that? Not really we just got further and futher apart. Then one night he was watching porn and made the comment he could finally feel alive....it did something to me, I felt something literally break inside me, I turned cold to him not ice cold but could no longer actively love him like a wife should, it wasn't that difficult , he was rarely home, and when he was I didn't exist anyway so it wasn't like I had to go out of my way to avoid him, and when he did speak to me it usually wasn't anything nice. I was always screwing something up , at the time my sister was alive she got me through a lot of the pain, and life was more bearable then. I turned 28 and had a experience with God and turned my life over to him, tried to love my husband And tried so hard to fight the demons in our home, it was hard because he didn't change but I did. Then my sister passed away and it shook my world right to the core, I even remember 2 days after she died I was laying on the sofa trying to deal with it and my husband was walking past and he asked me what was wrong with me? Like he honestly looked confused that I was sad, And I then knew I was alone so very alone and I got angry at God for taking the one person who helped keep me grounded away the only person that helped me through all the heartache I endured in my marriage, I mean if God loved me how could he do that? I convinced myself God did not love me and maybe God was real but I was a lost cause, my own husband could not care about me, I even drove myself to the e.r. Several times, I had nobody to hold my hand thru anything, our son was diagnosed with autism, my husband couldn't be bothered with doc visits or school meetings but he sure did critique my decisions if I had to make one, I begged him for help but he had his priorities. I can give many examples , he probably can to, I wasn't the best wife after I shut down my heart. This went on for 18 years? I don't even know anymore I just know I felt every painful day. Then one day I was sitting on our love seat and ( now I realize it was satan at the time I didnt) and I was told in my head to ask him about the porn, he admitted he had it hid under his floormat, and the rest of me died inside, I remember that night very well, what lil hope I may have had I had no more. He did admit he had a problem and we did decide to goto church, but at this time we were doomed, I have been so long without a hug a kiss , any real affection , it's not in his nature, a matter of fact we used to greet him at the door, the kids and I cuz we wanted to show him we were happy to see him, he would get mad,I learned real quick but not quick enough to keep my distance til he would approach me, thing was it was in a rare moon he would approach me for a hug, I learned to go without, or so I thought I did. I was at this point put on Zoloft and it numbed me, went crazy shoppingi really turned ocd about cleaning but the not so good effect of Zoloft was I was numb, numb from the hurt and numb from the meds, bad combo, believed God didn't love me, just a misfit in life, my own mother doesn't love me. I volunteered at a place for the homeless, it made me feel good to help others, especially people in need. I met someone that acted like every word I said was important ,if he went to the store to get a soda he would grab one for me to, someone actually thought I had value? This person asked me how my day was, showed concern when I was sad, laughed at my stupid jokes and never once made me feel stupid, and he hugged me, I remember thinking omg someone thinks I'm worth hugging and I got caught up in satans lies, my husband gave his life to God during this time, and I remember thinking he will never need me but he has God how blessed he is and he will be rid of the ugly fat irritating wife. I remember coming home and asking him one night if he loved me, and he paused for quite some time and said he thinks he did, I made my decision at that point to give up on the marriage completely he wasn't going to hurt or miss me. I truly believed this, and I felt the sting but it was no different then all the days of our marriage. So I moved out , he never came looking for me or called and I never believed he would, I know if he would of shown just a fraction of love or care my decision would of been different, but as always if he loved me I was the last to know, if he missed me I was the last to know period, thru out our entire marriage. I felt regret later for being disobedient to God and bringing shame, but I justified my behavior with well he called me a whore so many times he didn't even care about me etc. the pastor kept in touch with me and eventually the conviction of the Holy Spirit got to me, I did have a conscience apparently cuz one day I realized what I have done, I hurt him like he hurt me. The pastor kept telling me that my husband wanted me back etc, so I came back, only to hear who says I wanted you back..... I get that and deserved that. But the relationship remains the same, he still has his priorities and I dont exist and the same old hurts get repeated. He doesn't call the names anymore with the exception of when I first came back, I keep hearing love what is love, i can surely tell you what it's not, I live it everyday, like nothing changed same behavior maybe he is justified now but I still don't exist and he still don't care about my feelings. he still don't spologize for anything hurtful he does. I had to say goodbye to my father and am pretty sure it was the last time I was ever going to see him and I needed arms to crawl into for comfort but what I came home to was a sheet on the fridge saying what lights were left on, including the microwave and my daughter telling me to stay out of dads way he is mad and I'm always the target. Yup I left in a haste and probably more times then not and left the bathroom light on, I got up late and was hurrying to pick my dad up that day knowing I was saying goodbye to him and I admit I need to work on being more diligent on shutting lights off, he does pay the electric bill and I shouldn't be so careless with his hard earned dollars. I can honestly say I feel unwanted unloved by him before and after my affair, but now he has the ammo against me and I did that to myself. I will carry that shame for the rest of my life. But I swear im not evil I'm not half the things he thinks I am or ever was, he has a different way of looking at things then I do. I suppose partially cuz he is male I'm female. He thinks he can say hurtful things and not apologize and I'm supposed to just be happy, it supposed to never effect me and he has made me feel like there is something wrong with me because I have needs and I'm being selfish because im just not happy with co existing In the same house, it makes me sad and lonely and I'm sorry if it shows on my face. He can insult me, call me a liar, etc but I know since my return I've been honest , didn't hide stuff took my punishment the best I could or can while he talks about unconditional love, I don't even know what it feels like to be loved by my husband before or after my affair, I'm doomed to go thru life without love and by the grace of God I hope I can endure til the end, because I know in my past I didn't do such a good job of it and made every thing worse. I have witnessed his kindness to others so I know it exists in him just not for me, he once told me he wished he would of waited til we got married because he was sure he missed out on something. I went from wanting romance (way back in the relationship) to being content if he just says good morning, if he says it it must mean he loves me right? I went from having every girls idea of what should happen in a relationship to my expectations so low now that if he just acknowledges me at some point in the day I'll be ok....

[Pro1728]

Oh, Sis, I'm so, so sorry. My mom has reminded me more than once, (remember now, this is the wisest person in the world! ) that the Holy Spirit convicts us. He doesn't make us feel guilty. That's Satan's job. I hear all the pain and that you are acknowledging all the pain, but I also hear that underneath you feel like you deserve it. That is so how abuse works. My situation was never that bad but once when he got mad and said he wanted a divorce I begged him not to. (Now that makes me sick to my stomach to think I demeaned myself like that. Bleh.) But the reason I did wasn't because I didn't want to live without him, it was because I had bought into the lie he had orchestrated through all the really really messed up stuff. The lie that it was all my fault. So if we had gotten the divorce I would live the rest of my life believing that my eating disorder destroyed a marriage. Not the gaslighting, or mental/spiritual abuse. Just me. Now I look back and think "That was really crappy. Really? You don't share any of the blame for our marriage being crap? This had nothing to do with being a product of an abusive alcoholic family?" (And moreover, I had been recovered but the marriage didn't help that last very long.) But at the time I believed it. I felt so guilty and covered with shame about e.d. that I took on any blame within a hundred mile radius. I think to some extent you still do believe you deserve it. Yes, you know you sinned, but God doesn't want you to live under the weight of it the rest of your life. Not even another second of it. Jesus died so that we wouldn't have to endure that. God already forgave you. You can't let yourself be enslaved by your mistakes in the past. (HA ha ha. So funny to hear myself telling someone else that when I am doing the same thing. I'm preaching to myself, I guess. )

 

I think you must just get away. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just watching someone I care about, like a kitten in a tornado and I want to rush in and scoop it up to safety.

I pray for you whenever you come to mind. I love you, sis. ((((hugs))))

[Estrella]

Before you can try to fix the problem, you have to determine what got you to this place. I am pretty sure it wasn't like this at the start, and it probably didn't become like this overnight for no reason. All we are getting here is the situation as it exists today. Don't just make wild guesses as to what you might be able to change to cause him to change his behavior. Think back to when this started. Was there a big event that took place, like some kind of fight or major disagreement? Were there little things that gradually led to the current conditions? Figure that out, and then try to reverse course. If you honestly don't know, maybe you should ask him outright? Rather than discussing the things you don't like today, and asking him to change them, only to have him tell you to try to be happy, ask him how you got here, and how things could be made better.

I thought about this a lot, and I know where it went bad or least whereabouts. When we first met it was nice but I didn't take notice to certain things until it was to late. I once was a confident person , may not of been the smartest but didn't consider myself dumb. I wasn't a model but I sure didn't think I was ugly. I jumped in head first, looking back I realize that was a mistake, but at the time I thought I could love him through his issues. It started out with insults when he got mad, he was so jealous I couldn't even look out the window when cars were passing he would get mad. He made it very clear to me that he sure didn't think I was that pretty, called me names, you know the score, he would use the word whore a lot when he got upset with me, if guys paid me attention he even went on to tell me how he didn't understand that, that I just wasn't that good looking, that was a convo we had when we were getting along. I use to be part of family gatherings, hardly ever missed them , after I was with him that all stopped. I was told I was fat at 112lbs, he made fun of the way I talked and talked very condescending to me. Even back then there wasn't really any time spent together and he had other priorities,(porn) we were very young, I rebeled and would go out with my girlfriend, I was very immature. I suppose he got hurt during that time in our lives but at the time I had the attitude he didn't care about me so I didn't have anything to lose. Somehow we survived that? Not really we just got further and futher apart. Then one night he was watching porn and made the comment he could finally feel alive....it did something to me, I felt something literally break inside me, I turned cold to him not ice cold but could no longer actively love him like a wife should, it wasn't that difficult , he was rarely home, and when he was I didn't exist anyway so it wasn't like I had to go out of my way to avoid him, and when he did speak to me it usually wasn't anything nice. I was always screwing something up , at the time my sister was alive she got me through a lot of the pain, and life was more bearable then. I turned 28 and had a experience with God and turned my life over to him, tried to love my husband And tried so hard to fight the demons in our home, it was hard because he didn't change but I did. Then my sister passed away and it shook my world right to the core, I even remember 2 days after she died I was laying on the sofa trying to deal with it and my husband was walking past and he asked me what was wrong with me? Like he honestly looked confused that I was sad, And I then knew I was alone so very alone and I got angry at God for taking the one person who helped keep me grounded away the only person that helped me through all the heartache I endured in my marriage, I mean if God loved me how could he do that? I convinced myself God did not love me and maybe God was real but I was a lost cause, my own husband could not care about me, I even drove myself to the e.r. Several times, I had nobody to hold my hand thru anything, our son was diagnosed with autism, my husband couldn't be bothered with doc visits or school meetings but he sure did critique my decisions if I had to make one, I begged him for help but he had his priorities. I can give many examples , he probably can to, I wasn't the best wife after I shut down my heart. This went on for 18 years? I don't even know anymore I just know I felt every painful day. Then one day I was sitting on our love seat and ( now I realize it was satan at the time I didnt) and I was told in my head to ask him about the porn, he admitted he had it hid under his floormat, and the rest of me died inside, I remember that night very well, what lil hope I may have had I had no more. He did admit he had a problem and we did decide to goto church, but at this time we were doomed, I have been so long without a hug a kiss , any real affection , it's not in his nature, a matter of fact we used to greet him at the door, the kids and I cuz we wanted to show him we were happy to see him, he would get mad,I learned real quick but not quick enough to keep my distance til he would approach me, thing was it was in a rare moon he would approach me for a hug, I learned to go without, or so I thought I did. I was at this point put on Zoloft and it numbed me, went crazy shoppingi really turned ocd about cleaning but the not so good effect of Zoloft was I was numb, numb from the hurt and numb from the meds, bad combo, believed God didn't love me, just a misfit in life, my own mother doesn't love me. I volunteered at a place for the homeless, it made me feel good to help others, especially people in need. I met someone that acted like every word I said was important ,if he went to the store to get a soda he would grab one for me to, someone actually thought I had value? This person asked me how my day was, showed concern when I was sad, laughed at my stupid jokes and never once made me feel stupid, and he hugged me, I remember thinking omg someone thinks I'm worth hugging and I got caught up in satans lies, my husband gave his life to God during this time, and I remember thinking he will never need me but he has God how blessed he is and he will be rid of the ugly fat irritating wife. I remember coming home and asking him one night if he loved me, and he paused for quite some time and said he thinks he did, I made my decision at that point to give up on the marriage completely he wasn't going to hurt or miss me. I truly believed this, and I felt the sting but it was no different then all the days of our marriage. So I moved out , he never came looking for me or called and I never believed he would, I know if he would of shown just a fraction of love or care my decision would of been different, but as always if he loved me I was the last to know, if he missed me I was the last to know period, thru out our entire marriage. I felt regret later for being disobedient to God and bringing shame, but I justified my behavior with well he called me a whore so many times he didn't even care about me etc. the pastor kept in touch with me and eventually the conviction of the Holy Spirit got to me, I did have a conscience apparently cuz one day I realized what I have done, I hurt him like he hurt me. The pastor kept telling me that my husband wanted me back etc, so I came back, only to hear who says I wanted you back..... I get that and deserved that. But the relationship remains the same, he still has his priorities and I dont exist and the same old hurts get repeated. He doesn't call the names anymore with the exception of when I first came back, I keep hearing love what is love, i can surely tell you what it's not, I live it everyday, like nothing changed same behavior maybe he is justified now but I still don't exist and he still don't care about my feelings. he still don't spologize for anything hurtful he does. I had to say goodbye to my father and am pretty sure it was the last time I was ever going to see him and I needed arms to crawl into for comfort but what I came home to was a sheet on the fridge saying what lights were left on, including the microwave and my daughter telling me to stay out of dads way he is mad and I'm always the target. Yup I left in a haste and probably more times then not and left the bathroom light on, I got up late and was hurrying to pick my dad up that day knowing I was saying goodbye to him and I admit I need to work on being more diligent on shutting lights off, he does pay the electric bill and I shouldn't be so careless with his hard earned dollars. I can honestly say I feel unwanted unloved by him before and after my affair, but now he has the ammo against me and I did that to myself. I will carry that shame for the rest of my life. But I swear im not evil I'm not half the things he thinks I am or ever was, he has a different way of looking at things then I do. I suppose partially cuz he is male I'm female. He thinks he can say hurtful things and not apologize and I'm supposed to just be happy, it supposed to never effect me and he has made me feel like there is something wrong with me because I have needs and I'm being selfish because im just not happy with co existing In the same house, it makes me sad and lonely and I'm sorry if it shows on my face. He can insult me, call me a liar, etc but I know since my return I've been honest , didn't hide stuff took my punishment the best I could or can while he talks about unconditional love, I don't even know what it feels like to be loved by my husband before or after my affair, I'm doomed to go thru life without love and by the grace of God I hope I can endure til the end, because I know in my past I didn't do such a good job of it and made every thing worse. I have witnessed his kindness to others so I know it exists in him just not for me, he once told me he wished he would of waited til we got married because he was sure he missed out on something. I went from wanting romance (way back in the relationship) to being content if he just says good morning, if he says it it must mean he loves me right? I went from having every girls idea of what should happen in a relationship to my expectations so low now that if he just acknowledges me at some point in the day I'll be ok....

Hi dear, I read each and every word you wrote and guess what? Each and everything u said made me angry. Very angry. Because you have allowed this man who supposedly a husband, to destroy you to take away what is left of you. You call that affair? Porn is no different either. When a man is more interested in watching other woman's body other than his wife, he has already committed adultery in his heart. Yes do be careful of other men too who seems to show you affection because most men will only take advantage. But other than that, you deserve better. I am so against divorce, but hearing your story. I just feel all these is totally unacceptable. I am sizzling with rage really. And being a woman we tend to blame ourselves for everything. First of all, stop this nonsense thoughts. Now this is what you can do, still continue praying for him. But at the same time, stop staying in your sorry state. Come out of it. Regardless of what you do, he isn't gonna care. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and start taking care of yourself. Do what you love, enjoy life, go do your hair, manicure, pedicure etc. Make yourself beautiful. Stop wasting yourself for him. Stay positive. In time, he will notice all this. N then its your call. For now, throw all these away and start living!Bring back that confidence in you.! Let me tell u something, men like him, their biggest threat is a woman or wife of confidence. Ever noticed how it all began by suppressing you? By killing you inside? By exercising control over who you truly are,never let that happen. Please don't allow yourself to remain a victim. Enough is enough! Edited June 20, 2015 by Tanusha

[Estrella]

Oh, Sis, I'm so, so sorry. My mom has reminded me more than once, (remember now, this is the wisest person in the world! ) that the Holy Spirit convicts us. He doesn't make us feel guilty. That's Satan's job. I hear all the pain and that you are acknowledging all the pain, but I also hear that underneath you feel like you deserve it. That is so how abuse works. My situation was never that bad but once when he got mad and said he wanted a divorce I begged him not to. (Now that makes me sick to my stomach to think I demeaned myself like that. Bleh.) But the reason I did wasn't because I didn't want to live without him, it was because I had bought into the lie he had orchestrated through all the really really messed up stuff. The lie that it was all my fault. So if we had gotten the divorce I would live the rest of my life believing that my eating disorder destroyed a marriage. Not the gaslighting, or mental/spiritual abuse. Just me. Now I look back and think "That was really crappy. Really? You don't share any of the blame for our marriage being crap? This had nothing to do with being a product of an abusive alcoholic family?" (And moreover, I had been recovered but the marriage didn't help that last very long.) But at the time I believed it. I felt so guilty and covered with shame about e.d. that I took on any blame within a hundred mile radius. I think to some extent you still do believe you deserve it. Yes, you know you sinned, but God doesn't want you to live under the weight of it the rest of your life. Not even another second of it. Jesus died so that we wouldn't have to endure that. God already forgave you. You can't let yourself be enslaved by your mistakes in the past. (HA ha ha. So funny to hear myself telling someone else that when I am doing the same thing. I'm preaching to myself, I guess. )

I think you must just get away. I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just watching someone I care about, like a kitten in a tornado and I want to rush in and scoop it up to safety.

I pray for you whenever you come to mind. I love you, sis. ((((hugs))))

Ditto!

[SueZQ]

I am praying for you

[enoob57]

The Lord left us here to understand the 'no' of the beginning... the born of God

understand this as the need of death to self and a life immersed into God and

then flowing out to others... truly set free in a world of chains is to stand

in a place with God alone as the satisfaction of life 'now' even though the body

of this death disagrees...

Prayed... Love, Steven

Edited June 20, 2015 by enoob57

[FresnoJoe]

Amen~!

 

Praying~!

[B3L13v3R]

Praying Godlovesme.