Someone please help me...I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with myself again.

[Sony]

If you told me I was going to be a part of a Christian forum a couple years ago, I would have laughed. The person I am now and the person I used to be are polar opposites, and sometimes I'm proud of who I've become and other times I resent myself altogether. I will never regret finding God though - He has been my solace in a world of hurt.

I'll be 21 in a few weeks. I was diagnosed with a rare type of cancer last year (neuroendocrine) after suffering debilitating symptoms for nearly two years. It extensively metastasized to my liver causing symptoms that caused me to be so unstable, I had to leave school, work, everything and remain in the house. (Just imagine a life that's constantly plagued by tachycardia, breathlessness, flushing & exhaustion). I still don't really go out, as I'm super unstable. I don't really remember what it's like to really have fun and feel independent. Or healthy for that matter. 

Shortly before things started going downhill for me, I was at the peak of my life. It was summer of 2013 & I'd just fallen completely in love with my co-worker, who I'd been friends with for years, and started a wonderful relationship. Within days, we were inseparable. We moved in together within weeks, and were never apart again. He is a Christian (raised mennonite) and at the time, I was not close with God, but through this man, I really began to feel God's presence in my life, if that makes sense. I rather appreciated his spirituality - he believes that Christ has died for his sins, and doesn't take things as literally and seriously as other Christians I know. When we first slept together, I later found out that I was his first & that he'd always planned on saving himself for the woman he wanted to marry. This touched me, and I felt a deep hurt inside for a very long time that I hadn't waited for him. I never thought I'd regret not waiting. (I have been with one other person - I had a 4 year relationship in high school that fell apart after graduation) Anyway, he vowed to marry me, and we got all excited about planning a wedding with our friends and family. We'd only been together for a few months, but I knew that this was who I wanted to spend my life with.

We did so many fun things together and we never ever got sick of eachother's company. However, eventually the health issues arose, and I received the cancer diagnosis. No more going to restaurants or bars, no more going on hikes, no more adventures, just cancer & death all around me...staring me in the face and threatening to take away the future that I was looking so, so forward to. If life hadn't dealt me such a lousy hand we would've been married long ago, I would have completed college, and I'd probably have at least one child by now. 

Anyways, he never left my side. I lost all of my energy, a great deal of my spirit, my weight and looks deteriorated, but he never stopped wanting me or telling me how beautiful I was. He stayed in the hospital with me numerous times, comforted me when things got so incredibly grim, and never once cried or complained because he felt calm knowing that it was all in the Lord's hands. I began to pray a lot more. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. Things were up and down. A lot. We've never stopped discussing the wedding that we so badly want to have with our friends and family, followed by a honeymoon in Hawaii. We keep a jar by the bed that says "Honeymoon funds" and add change to it a lot... We haven't let go of that. 

In spite of all that I've lost, our love has helped keep my spirits up. I am so in love with him and I will never love another as long as I live. Recently, I've really been trying to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. I've been attending church whenever I can, I feel extreme joy when I listen to worship music (in comparison to feeling nothing when I was younger) and I'm crazy about God.  

Which brings me to my current dilemma.

Never, ever, have I given up anything for God in my entire life. My own interests and pleasure always came first. I began feeling like I wanted to do something to show Him that I'm serious. I told my partner that I don't feel right having pre-marital sex anymore, although that's been a prominent part of our relationship since we got together in 2013. This has crushed him. He's sad. He's angry. He's distant. He feels like he cannot get mad at me because I'm trying to do something for God and then he gets mad at himself for being angry, and so forth. Last night he told me that the "old us" has died, and that hit me hard. We don't do anything we used to do anymore. The uncontainable joy and energy that our relationship was boundless with seems so far away. We behave like an old, married couple. (minus the married part, I guess, lol) 

I feel so trapped!! I'm telling myself and him that I'm doing this to get closer to God, but I know that that's not all of it. I know that there's a part of me that feels like this is a way of "bargaining" with God...that if I give this up and make myself completely miserable, I will end up feeling better and I will have the future that I'm dreaming of. Which is probably nuts. My mental health has been on a steady decline since my diagnosis and I've gone through so many changes, I can't believe some of the thoughts I have and some of the words that end up coming out of my mouth. We can't get married right now, as I'm on disability and getting married will hurt us financially and I'll no longer be able to afford my alternative treatments or put aside money for a house.. (We rent with roommates currently) We plan on buying a home and marrying next year. I think we both just have such high hopes that I'm going to improve and we're going to be able to have a real wedding ceremony (right now we're thinking Spring) and I'm going to be able to come off of disability, and we're going to live normally..

I just don't know. Sorry for the novel. Bottom line, I'm not sure if doing this is making me feel closer to God at all. I think I felt closer to God before. Right now, I'm just feeling boxed in, depressed, and uncertain. I'm unable to embrace the man that I've always viewed as my husband, although not from a legal standpoint. I don't want to spend months feeling like this. What if things get worse anyway? What if I die and I spent all this time restraining myself from my partner, who I love devotedly and wholeheartedly, when I could have made the most of the time we have left? This is killing, I repeat, killing us. And then, if I go back to the way things were, and things begin to decline again, I'll always wonder if it's God "punishing me" for not being able to hold myself to this. 

Is there any way that we can be married in the eyes of God without obtaining a marriage license? I'm so confused. I was researching vows that we could say to eachother at home in the presence of God but I couldn't find anything. :-( I don't know what to do anymore but I feel so drained. I just need some gentle, loving advice. Thank you kindly. <3

[FresnoJoe]

Praying~!

[johnc5055]

Sony, I’m praying for you and I expect many others are as well. You are in the middle of a battle few can relate to and yet your concern seems split between your real and present physical condition and the well-being of your fiancé. I hope you can find a way to make sure that your emotional and spiritual needs are met as you go through this season in your life. You didn’t mention your interactions with family or the people from your church in your post – only your fiancé. Your needs are many and that is exactly as it should be. In my humble opinion you need the support of your loved ones and your church community as much as you do your physician and your man – each has a different role. No one person can be everything that you need right now (or any other time in your life for that matter).

If you have not done so already perhaps you could ask someone in leadership at your church if they have a ministry suited to support you. If they do, please accept their support and participate as well as you can. Give God a chance to work through His people for your benefit – there really is nothing like it. If there is not a ministry available in your church, you could likely find one in your area that can help. Maybe you can post your city here and someone could make a suggestion.

There is something else you mentioned that I would like to address. You mentioned giving up sex to feel closer to God, to bargain with Him for a healthy future. Please know that God doesn’t love you less because of sin – He loves you completely just as you are. If His love were conditional on our action’s we would all be in trouble. You are not being punished for your sin and our Lord would not punish you. He is a loving father. I have two daughters and there is nothing they could ever do to cause me to love them any less – they are mine and I am simply crazy about them. Your heavenly Father feels that way about you. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. I have spent many years trying to understand His love for me and I cannot say I have grown any wiser for my trouble. What I have gained is a deep gratitude and affection towards Him because of what He has done for me. I still sin and I expect I always will but my motivation to not sin is born of gratitude towards a loving God; it is not out of fear of punishment. Do your best to obey and know that there is nothing you could do to cause Him to love you any less. That’s just not how my God rolls!

[Reinitin]

Sony, sending heart felt prayers up for you. 

[7Dove77]

The Lord is your helper,May He uphold you,according to each days need.I pray that Christ will displace worry from the center of your life.Instaed of worring,let petitions and praises.shape yoye worries into prayer..In jesus Name ,Amen......Blessings to you,and Gods Grace..

[petula]

Oh luv , my heart goes out to you both , many of the people on Worthy have serious health problems and we understand the confusion , the questioning and sadness that goes with the diagnosis you have been given . The important and wonderful thing is that you've repented your sins , given your life to Jesus and accepted him as your Saviour . Trust him .

May I ask why you can't get married now or next week , I know everyone wants the ' perfect ' wedding but marriage for Christians is a covenant between two people and God . If you tell your pastor and friends and family to bring a plate for a celebration , you could get married then , that's what I did . or ask for their help and get them involved they would probably love to help . You can have a honeymoon later . If you truly love each other , marry .

We don't know what the future holds for any of us , have a wedding , worship God as man and wife and walk with him . 

God bless you , a lot of us will be praying for you .

[Ezra]

On 25/03/2016 at 3:15 PM, Sony said:

Is there any way that we can be married in the eyes of God without obtaining a marriage license?

The prudent course of action is to obtain a marriage license.  The only way to address serious issues is to consult the Word of God and then take appropriate and consistent action. If you are committing yourself wholly to God, and if your husband is unsaved or uncommitted, you can expect conflict.

So both of you should go the Lord (a) ask Him to save you by His grace, (b) ask Him to forgive your sins, (c) commit yourselves wholly to Him as obedient children, and (d) take appropriate, consistent action to demonstrate your commitments.  Which means obedience to the Gospel and obedience to the Word of God.