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 Hello, First of all I want to say hi I am new at the forum.

I really need advice and help from other Christians in a situation that's been a problem for me since I was a little girl. I'll try to make this post as short as possible. 

 

I've always had problems with my mom. She has always been very immature and irresponsible. I remember being 5 years old and thinking about how immature she was when she had tantrums against my grandmother, who practically raised me. My parents were both teenagers, but my dad has always been more responsible. My mom wanted to "live life" and enjoy youth so it was my dad and mostly my grandma who took care of me. During this time my mom was very irresponsible and had a lot of boyfriends..one of this relationships resulting in a pregnancy and we never saw the dad again,  we live in a small town, so it was scandalous. My mom and I lived with my grandmother until I was 5 when my mom remarried and my stepdad took my brother as his. I was physically hurt by both my mom and stepfather, my stepdad used to hurt me a lot emotionally I still struggle with those things. Until my teenage years I was an excellent student, I earned a lot of awards and my mom was never there, she became addicted to her job, she left the house before 6am and got home after 10pm. During all this time I was very active at church and even a leader at teenager spiritual retreats. What I mean is, that instead of going rebel I became model child.  This didn't stop my mom beating me for me getting a B or just being mad and me thinking it was unfair. I went back to live with my grandma. During all this time my mom kept on having more children... none of which she made the time for. She has never been maternal,still she kept on having more and more kids. 

 

For all my life I've always been closer to boys than girls. A therapist told me it was because of my relationship with my mother I didn't trust women.  I saw women being promiscuous and emotionally hurting my male cousins and it gave me emotional breakdowns, I wondered if I was the only woman on Earth to not be a bad person or use my body and sex to manipulate others. It still gets me nervous to see girls showing skin on social network. At age 20 I moved with my boyfriend who had also been one of my closest friends since I was 14. We weren't married since he was an atheist and I stopped going to church. We had a lot of problems and he didn't want to go to couple counseling or anything else. We also had a son during this time. Thank God, in 2013 and my then boyfriend now husband accepted Jesus as his savior and is now an amazing man and leader at our Church. He loves to serve God and other through our Church. We got married. I have been blessed. Still... my husband's conversion to Christianity came along with the confession of things I didn't yet know that he did through our relationship. Like him talking to other women on social media during years... one of which he had sex with. Even though my husband has done everything a woman could ask to rebuilt the relationship, I know I will never fully heal, and this made my feelings against promiscuous women a lot worse. Do not get me wrong, I know it was my husband who failed me, but since I had the repulsion for seek attention, promiscuous women... and then seeing the woman... that was it. As I said, I just cant stand the look of a woman showing her bodyon social media , offering themselves and trying to get married men, etc. It was my mom all over again. I now link these women to that woman my husband had an affair with and my mom.

 

About 5 years ago my mom and I seemed to fix our relationship. My stepdad and my mom were going to Church and both were leaders there also. Late last year my stepdad and mom separated. And ever since my mom is back into her old ways. So far she's been with at least 4 men that we know of and is neglecting my brothers. She even asked for my approval for this behavior !!!! I replied with an extense and loving letter telling her to do things right, and telling her how much her behavior had hurt me to this day and that I don;t want my brothers to suffer the same... she never even replied. Not even "ok". She just kept on doing it. My brothers are hurting and are starting to hate her. She comments on my social media pictures saying that i look ugly or that i look like a man.... she makes fun of me all the time about EVERYTHING.... just like an immature teenager. I have nightmares all the time and spend all my evenings crying over my husband's shoulder.

 

So recent as this morning she showed me pictures of yet another guy who my grandma know to be a married man. I had a breakdown today and I talked very nasty against my mom. Not to her directly but other people.I said the most terrible things about her and finally said out loud that I hated her.... I don't know what to do. I know I am not being a good Christian and that I am supposed to honor my mother and father.... but then.... does this mean that my mom can do all kinds of sins and then just ask for forgiveness and God will take her back... but God will not take me because of the terrible things I feel against my mom??? Will I not be saved because of the hurt other people has caused me ?? I've had therapy, they do help, but nothing heals. I KNOW it will never heal. I wish it wasn't so, but is reality I just know myself. I am afraid for my relationship with my mom... I know it wont belong until i have a breakdown every time I see her, it is as if this whole situation activated the way I felt with her when I was very young. I am afraid for my relationship with God... I know God is not proud of my words thoughts and feelings against her. What do I do !? Please help. Thank you.

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Guest Thallasa

You have to protect yourself from someone who is sick ,both morally and physically, so you must keep away from until ? It sounds as though you need outside help, like a good pastor to talk to not 'friends'; , perhaps someone who lives a bit further away, so that it can be kept anonymous .

This has gone on since you were an infant and so far you have done your best to honour the 5 th commandment .

In my opinion you have a right to some peace ,and only in the event of her being deprived of the capacity to look after her physical needs ,when you might help her you owe her nothing ,you have done your best ,and bad thoughts about those who harm us regularly, are normal .Continue to pray for yourself to detach from her ,and for her soul, as she is in danger . 

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8 minutes ago, Thallasa said:

You have to protect yourself from someone who is sick ,both morally and physically, so you must keep away from until ? It sounds as though you need outside help, like a good pastor to talk to not 'friends'; , perhaps someone who lives a bit further away, so that it can be kept anonymous .

This has gone on since you were an infant and so far you have done your best to honour the 5 th commandment .

In my opinion you have a right to some peace ,and only in the event of her being deprived of the capacity to look after her physical needs ,when you might help her you owe her nothing ,you have done your best ,and bad thoughts about those who harm us regularly, are normal .Continue to pray for yourself to detach from her ,and for her soul, as she is in danger . 

Thallasa thank you very much for your words. I really need the support.

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Guest Thallasa
15 minutes ago, CJAS said:

Thallasa thank you very much for your words. I really need the support.

My dear CJAS, family situations are the worst .It is so easy to give hep and advice to others ,but when we are in the thick of it, and I know only too well ,emotions are very strong. The other side of the coin of love, is hate . Everyone who loves, feels it, when we are betrayed by those who should love us ,and to pretend otherwise is to deny the bible and the truth  .

Complete indifference is what is felt ,when we don't care . As you know our beloved Saviour felt hatred when He faced those who defiled the temple ,and Peter chopped of the ear of the soldier who arrested Jesus, among other things ,so do not feel bad, for feeling bad  .We need to be able to to talk about our pain ,and recieve comfort, and prayer . :6:

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Hi CJAS, 

I can relate to what you are going through to a certain extent.  I have had no contact with my family now for many years because they are unhealthy people.  I moved away from the city I grew up in years ago, but my friends will tell me that my family still tries to contact them to give me messages to call them.  They do this to try to make me feel guilty and I did feel guilty at first.  It was really hard to separate myself because I wanted to obey Christ and forgive and love people and do all the things that He wanted me to do.  But, it wasn't until years after that I could see the disobedience in the obedience of this time of my life, if that makes sense.  It wasn't after many years of maintaining my discipline to study the Bible, and spending time with believers, that Mark 10:29-31 even became an encouragement to me.  

" “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

You know, this is a choice some of us have had to make and I do not think that this means that we are breaking the commandment to honor our father or mother if honoring our father or mother causes us to break our commandment to follow Christ.  But, this is something that takes discernment and time to understand in order to be of a clear conscious about it, which we are to do as Christians (1 Peter 3:16). 

I also think it is totally normal to be upset and feel many of the same feelings that you did as a child after you had desired to restore your relationship, and your mother betrayed this offer of reconciliation with her current behavior.  

The Bible does say to honor our parents, which means that being a parent is an honor, and it is disappointing when people neglect to show gratitude for this honor by their behavior to their children.  

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19 minutes ago, Esther4:14 said:

Hi CJAS, 

I can relate to what you are going through to a certain extent.  I have had no contact with my family now for many years because they are unhealthy people.  I moved away from the city I grew up in years ago, but my friends will tell me that my family still tries to contact them to give me messages to call them.  They do this to try to make me feel guilty and I did feel guilty at first.  It was really hard to separate myself because I wanted to obey Christ and forgive and love people and do all the things that He wanted me to do.  But, it wasn't until years after that I could see the disobedience in the obedience of this time of my life, if that makes sense.  It wasn't after many years of maintaining my discipline to study the Bible, and spending time with believers, that Mark 10:29-31 even became an encouragement to me.  

" “Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age: homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—along with persecutions—and in the age to come eternal life.  But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

You know, this is a choice some of us have had to make and I do not think that this means that we are breaking the commandment to honor our father or mother if honoring our father or mother causes us to break our commandment to follow Christ.  But, this is something that takes discernment and time to understand in order to be of a clear conscious about it, which we are to do as Christians (1 Peter 3:16). 

I also think it is totally normal to be upset and feel many of the same feelings that you did as a child after you had desired to restore your relationship, and your mother betrayed this offer of reconciliation with her current behavior.  

The Bible does say to honor our parents, which means that being a parent is an honor, and it is disappointing when people neglect to show gratitude for this honor by their behavior to their children.  

Esther 4:14 Thank you very much for your supportive words. I hadn't think about it that way. I guess that there's still always at least a little hope. I've needed my mom lots of times,to have that daughter/mother relationship that seems to be so beautiful. 

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you need to understand forgiveness in order to receive it.  Jesus paid the price for the sins of the whole world, but not everyone in the world will receive that forgiveness.  not only did God forgive you for all your sins some 2000 years before you were even born, He also forgave your Mom for all her sins.  you carry deep hurt from your mother because you see yourself as a victim; this indicates that you have not forgiven her -  or more importantly - you have not acknowledged that GOD has forgiven her - even if she rejects His forgiveness.  in order to help her change for the better, you must forgive her first - you see, only victims can forgive; because once they do, they are no longer victims - they become victors :)

as long as you see yourself as a victim, you will deal with her in judgment - there can be no victim without wrong, and wrong can only be determined through judgment.  once you forgive, you can deal with her in mercy and grace - the way God deals with both you and her.  receive your forgiveness, and forgive her - she will always be your mother, no matter what she does, and you owe her your very flesh.

 

 

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19 hours ago, disciplehelovestoo said:

you need to understand forgiveness in order to receive it.  Jesus paid the price for the sins of the whole world, but not everyone in the world will receive that forgiveness.  not only did God forgive you for all your sins some 2000 years before you were even born, He also forgave your Mom for all her sins.  you carry deep hurt from your mother because you see yourself as a victim; this indicates that you have not forgiven her -  or more importantly - you have not acknowledged that GOD has forgiven her - even if she rejects His forgiveness.  in order to help her change for the better, you must forgive her first - you see, only victims can forgive; because once they do, they are no longer victims - they become victors :)

as long as you see yourself as a victim, you will deal with her in judgment - there can be no victim without wrong, and wrong can only be determined through judgment.  once you forgive, you can deal with her in mercy and grace - the way God deals with both you and her.  receive your forgiveness, and forgive her - she will always be your mother, no matter what she does, and you owe her your very flesh.

 

 

I agree in spirit with your post ,but sometimes people can make you ill ,even kill you ,so I think you must HEAR the poster ,who is obviously a sensitive person who is under duress and not in my opinion overly judgemental, or she would not be here  .

 

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On 4/5/2016 at 9:39 PM, disciplehelovestoo said:

you need to understand forgiveness in order to receive it.  Jesus paid the price for the sins of the whole world, but not everyone in the world will receive that forgiveness.  not only did God forgive you for all your sins some 2000 years before you were even born, He also forgave your Mom for all her sins.  you carry deep hurt from your mother because you see yourself as a victim; this indicates that you have not forgiven her -  or more importantly - you have not acknowledged that GOD has forgiven her - even if she rejects His forgiveness.  in order to help her change for the better, you must forgive her first - you see, only victims can forgive; because once they do, they are no longer victims - they become victors :)

as long as you see yourself as a victim, you will deal with her in judgment - there can be no victim without wrong, and wrong can only be determined through judgment.  once you forgive, you can deal with her in mercy and grace - the way God deals with both you and her.  receive your forgiveness, and forgive her - she will always be your mother, no matter what she does, and you owe her your very flesh.

 

 

Thank you for responding. I understand your point because I think about that side of things too. It's just that every time I decide to forgive my mom this happens again. Of course it must be also because I expect things to change every time I try to start over with her... and in the beginning she ALWAYS acts like she changed and even speaks about how bad she feels when she remembers the things she did... but then she does it all over again.  And it all comes at the same time, the men she sees, the partying, the neglecting of my brothers, her behavior turns immature (she is a professional in a field where behavior and image play a big role and she brings all this to her job)   Our relationship has turned into this cycle... I really wish I could do as you say, I hope I can soon, but i KNOW no matter what I'll get hurt by her again and see my brothers living all this I went through.

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20 hours ago, Thallasa said:

I agree in spirit with your post ,but sometimes people can make you ill ,even kill you ,so I think you must HEAR the poster ,who is obviously a sensitive person who is under duress and not in my opinion overly judgemental, or she would not be here  .

Thank you Thallasa. I do understand disciplehelovestoo point. I know I should forgive and I know I have to stop being the victim. Anyway I know it hurts more. But it is as you say, sometimes your own mind asks you to run... to search for peace. If only she would keep her behavior private, but she makes it public, getting my brothers involved, letting them see her with several men, misbehaving, bullying me... etc and she expects the women of the family to support her behavior, to take it as "girl power" and fun... none of the women in my family supports her behavior, conservative or not. 

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