What Should I do? Please read and Help

[CJAS]

Hello, 

    To make this short, I met my husband when we were both kids, starting a relationship when I was 18 ( i am 26 now) , have a son together, got married by church a year and a half ago. Mostly the problem in our relationship was that he use to flirt with other girls... that was it until he turned to Christianity in 2013 (he used to be an atheist) and now he is active and is a very admired leader at our church. When he started going to church he confessed he used to talk to other women through social media and even met and had sex with one of them. This all happened when we had been living together for a year, not yet married.

   He also accepted he had a porn addiction and started working against it, still not the aggressive way I would like to. He reads books and talks to people about it once in a while. I wished he would go to a specialized counselor and addiction groups... We decided he would have an accountability app in his cellphone. For a long time everything seemed to be so much better. Still, today I found out he does look at pictures and porn models profiles. The accountability app didn't tell me, I had to look through to find that. I don't know if he still does it on a regular basis and just found a way to trick the app. Its just I've had enough with lies in this relationship.  Last time this happened (about 8 months ago) I said I would move to a relative's house if it happened again, because I feel it is his fault and not his addiction since he doesn't go directly to seek professional help. Still,the truth is my family is very toxic and moving there for even a few days will get me worse,of course I can't just stay home. 

    Is this part of the process of overcoming an addiction? Or is it that I am staying in a hopeless marriage ? Of course I dont want to divorce, I love him very much and he is my best friend, but I just can't continue being deceived and lied to. I really need your words. 

[missmuffet]

 

Hello, 

    To make this short, I met my husband when we were both kids, starting a relationship when I was 18 ( i am 26 now) , have a son together, got married by church a year and a half ago. Mostly the problem in our relationship was that he use to flirt with other girls... that was it until he turned to Christianity in 2013 (he used to be an atheist) and now he is active and is a very admired leader at our church. When he started going to church he confessed he used to talk to other women through social media and even met and had sex with one of them. This all happened when we had been living together for a year, not yet married.

   He also accepted he had a porn addiction and started working against it, still not the aggressive way I would like to. He reads books and talks to people about it once in a while. I wished he would go to a specialized counselor and addiction groups... We decided he would have an accountability app in his cellphone. For a long time everything seemed to be so much better. Still, today I found out he does look at pictures and porn models profiles. The accountability app didn't tell me, I had to look through to find that. I don't know if he still does it on a regular basis and just found a way to trick the app. Its just I've had enough with lies in this relationship.  Last time this happened (about 8 months ago) I said I would move to a relative's house if it happened again, because I feel it is his fault and not his addiction since he doesn't go directly to seek professional help. Still,the truth is my family is very toxic and moving there for even a few days will get me worse,of course I can't just stay home. 

    Is this part of the process of overcoming an addiction? Or is it that I am staying in a hopeless marriage ? Of course I dont want to divorce, I love him very much and he is my best friend, but I just can't continue being deceived and lied to. I really need your words. 

Hi CJAS, Welcome to Worthy Did you know this man very well before you became seriously involved with him? I mean really knew him well? It seems that there are many attributes about this person that you were not aware of when you married. I definitely think he needs professional help. Maybe a separation is in order to get the message to him that you will not tolerate his behavior. He does not seem to respect you or your marriage since he will not consent to counseling. There may be others on Worthy that are more familiar with pornography addiction. Give this whole situation to God. Keep your husband and your marriage and your struggles to God in prayer constantly. Ask God for guidance and direction. My prayers for you    

[petula]

Welcome to Worthy , praying for you .

[gdemoss]

On 4/10/2016 at 9:27 AM, CJAS said:

Hello, 

    To make this short, I met my husband when we were both kids, starting a relationship when I was 18 ( i am 26 now) , have a son together, got married by church a year and a half ago. Mostly the problem in our relationship was that he use to flirt with other girls... that was it until he turned to Christianity in 2013 (he used to be an atheist) and now he is active and is a very admired leader at our church. When he started going to church he confessed he used to talk to other women through social media and even met and had sex with one of them. This all happened when we had been living together for a year, not yet married.

   He also accepted he had a porn addiction and started working against it, still not the aggressive way I would like to. He reads books and talks to people about it once in a while. I wished he would go to a specialized counselor and addiction groups... We decided he would have an accountability app in his cellphone. For a long time everything seemed to be so much better. Still, today I found out he does look at pictures and porn models profiles. The accountability app didn't tell me, I had to look through to find that. I don't know if he still does it on a regular basis and just found a way to trick the app. Its just I've had enough with lies in this relationship.  Last time this happened (about 8 months ago) I said I would move to a relative's house if it happened again, because I feel it is his fault and not his addiction since he doesn't go directly to seek professional help. Still,the truth is my family is very toxic and moving there for even a few days will get me worse,of course I can't just stay home. 

    Is this part of the process of overcoming an addiction? Or is it that I am staying in a hopeless marriage ? Of course I dont want to divorce, I love him very much and he is my best friend, but I just can't continue being deceived and lied to. I really need your words. 

I am here to do as you ask and give you my words which are only my experience, strength and hope.

I am a recovering sex addict, alcoholic who has been a social deviant and outcast from my youth.  

I have always had a deep seated attraction to the physical attributes of women.  My first memory of such is from around age 4.

From then on into adulthood my behavior could only be summed up as pitiful incomprehensible demoralization.  I did whatever felt good and hid all of my actions from those who would shame me for them. I was out of control.  It had me because I have myself to it.

I tried going legit and living straight laced but could not deal with sins demands in my flesh.  I failed many times and felt I was permanantly lost.  I blamed my behavior on others because I couldn't bear the weight of my sin any longer.  The shame kept me from seeking counsel from anybody who could help.  Only when it hurt bad enough did I reach out for help.

With my 2nd marriage in turmoil and being engaged in extra marital affairs and grossly given over to pornography, I remembered the sworn secrecy of the Employee Assistance Program at work and called.  Mac became my therapist and sought to find the underlying issues to my problems.  He sent me for religious counsel through AA because I was offended by the thought of God.  There I found men who helped me become open to the concept of God so that God could begin fixing me.

I was in such bad shape as an agnostic that it took 5 years before I was ready to receive the gospel of Jesus Christ but God be thanked that he began the work of repentance in me before that.  As I confessed my shortcomings and asked God for forgiveness of them he began to give me relief.  Upon receiving the gospel a very great relief from sexual compulsion came and I had little or no trouble for something like a year.  But as time when on I began to backslide.  Once again sexual things became harder for me to deal with.  I would become ashamed at the appearance of women in the congregation.  I had no idea what went wrong.

I began to see something wrong with the preaching at church.  They were only preaching half the good news.  They taught about Jesus great sacrifice for our sins but never about deliverance from bondage to the flesh through the Spirit.  The subtle underlying message was you're a sinner who can't help but sin so don't worry about it cuz Jesus has got your back.  I was giving in to that message!  So I left.

For awhile I searched churches looking for where I fit in.  I found nothing.  Desperate from being cutoff from all social life, I returned to AA.  There I began to hear the true gospel preached from men who understood.  They were fallen men like me who were easily susceptible to the desires of the flesh whose only hope was Christ in them giving them power over sin.

I was taught the spiritual life in Christ found in the bible in practical applicable ways.  I was surrounded by Catholics and Protestants who laid aside theology to help one another find deliverance in Christ.  Today, I am free from sexual compulsion as well as alcohol obsession.  I am able to minister to outwardly beautiful women in immodest clothing without fear that I might give in to lust for he who is in me is greater than my flesh and provided I follow his instruction I am placed in a position of neutrality.

I am so greatful that I did not have a wife shaming me though she did not understand.  It was never a problem with her but that which was wrong with me.  Ultimately we parted ways as she stayed behind in the half gospel church and I went on to stay amongst the liars, theives, cheats, prostitutes, whores and cons I can help to find God and bring to a knowledge of Christ in me as he leads me to teach them.

By the grace of God I continue over a decade without having extra marital affairs or veiwing pornography.  The fourth definition of sobriety deals with sober thinking.  That one took the longest for I was maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality and an outright mental defective but by thengrace of God I live a sane life in him with life eternal in me.

Peace.  May God deliver your husband from the bondage of sin and soften your heart that you might be the help meet he needs during his time of trouble for it is only by the hardness of heart that we divorce each other.  I have finally had mine softened to the point I can be of real use to a wife who struggles with sin.

 

[rakow]

You are cool, gdemoss

 

[CJAS]

7 hours ago, petula said:

Welcome to Worthy , praying for you .

Thank you, I truly appreciate your prayers, I need them.

[CJAS]

4 hours ago, gdemoss said:

I am here to do as you ask and give you my words which are only my experience, strength and hope.

I am a recovering sex addict, alcoholic who has been a social deviant and outcast from my youth.  

I have always had a deep seated attraction to the physical attributes of women.  My first memory of such is from around age 4.

From then on into adulthood my behavior could only be summed up as pitiful incomprehensible demoralization.  I did whatever felt good and hid all of my actions from those who would shame me for them. I was out of control.  It had me because I have myself to it.

I tried going legit and living straight laced but could not deal with sins demands in my flesh.  I failed many times and felt I was permanantly lost.  I blamed my behavior on others because I couldn't bear the weight of my sin any longer.  The shame kept me from seeking counsel from anybody who could help.  Only when it hurt bad enough did I reach out for help.

With my 2nd marriage in turmoil and being engaged in extra marital affairs and grossly given over to pornography, I remembered the sworn secrecy of the Employee Assistance Program at work and called.  Mac became my therapist and sought to find the underlying issues to my problems.  He sent me for religious counsel through AA because I was offended by the thought of God.  There I found men who helped me become open to the concept of God so that God could begin fixing me.

I was in such bad shape as an agnostic that it took 5 years before I was ready to receive the gospel of Jesus Christ but God be thanked that he began the work of repentance in me before that.  As I confessed my shortcomings and asked God for forgiveness of them he began to give me relief.  Upon receiving the gospel a very great relief from sexual compulsion came and I had little or no trouble for something like a year.  But as time when on I began to backslide.  Once again sexual things became harder for me to deal with.  I would become ashamed at the appearance of women in the congregation.  I had no idea what went wrong.

I began to see something wrong with the preaching at church.  They were only preaching half the good news.  They taught about Jesus great sacrifice for our sins but never about deliverance from bondage to the flesh through the Spirit.  The subtle underlying message was you're a sinner who can't help but sin so don't worry about it cuz Jesus has got your back.  I was giving in to that message!  So I left.

For awhile I searched churches looking for where I fit in.  I found nothing.  Desperate from being cutoff from all social life, I returned to AA.  There I began to hear the true gospel preached from men who understood.  They were fallen men like me who were easily susceptible to the desires of the flesh whose only hope was Christ in them giving them power over sin.

I was taught the spiritual life in Christ found in the bible in practical applicable ways.  I was surrounded by Catholics and Protestants who laid aside theology to help one another find deliverance in Christ.  Today, I am free from sexual compulsion as well as alcohol obsession.  I am able to minister to outwardly beautiful women in immodest clothing without fear that I might give in to lust for he who is in me is greater than my flesh and provided I follow his instruction I am placed in a position of neutrality.

I am so greatful that I did not have a wife shaming me though she did not understand.  It was never a problem with her but that which was wrong with me.  Ultimately we parted ways as she stayed behind in the half gospel church and I went on to stay amongst the liars, theives, cheats, prostitutes, whores and cons I can help to find God and bring to a knowledge of Christ in me as he leads me to teach them.

By the grace of God I continue over a decade without having extra marital affairs or veiwing pornography.  The fourth definition of sobriety deals with sober thinking.  That one took the longest for I was maladjusted to life, in full flight from reality and an outright mental defective but by thengrace of God I live a sane life in him with life eternal in me.

Peace.  May God deliver your husband from the bondage of sin and soften your heart that you might be the help meet he needs during his time of trouble for it is only by the hardness of heart that we divorce each other.  I have finally had mine softened to the point I can be of real use to a wife who struggles with sin.

 

gdmoss, I have no words to thank you for your testimony. I am so grateful you found my post and took the time to read and respond. I also really needed to hear things from someone who has been where my husband is since I know I do not understand and it is hard to ask him because I don't know when he is lying or not, so your response is a blessing. Still, I have some questions. After I posted this I talked to him and he kept on denying for a few minutes, after that he confessed and told me it had been going on for about 4 days. Later, I find out it has been going on for a t least a month... so he lied again on top of the confession. I try to understand this is not about me, but there's no way to not feel betrayed and less and less hope with each lie. I am certain that I would be able to be beside him as a helper if he just could stop lying about it. I know he is ashamed,  but the same way the lies is what brake me the most.

This is about the 4th time he relapses since he confessed his addiction to me about 2 years ago after he was at a church retreat.  This time he got an appointment with a psychologist specialized in addictions. I must admit this is the first time he commits to professional help for his addiction, since we do go to marriage counseling together but there the addiction is rarely addressed. Still, how do I KNOW this time is for real ? How do I know he's really committed this time and that he's not just making a fool of me again? How do I know if he REALLY wants to be delivered from this. Why does he do things that put this marriage in danger?Is it because he doesn't care if I leave him ?
 

Should I leave of at least for a few days? Should I leave for good ? Am I helping feed hos addiction by staying each time he relapses? What if I am teaching him that he can do whatever he wants because I never leave so there's no consequences? How do I know if he truly loves me or he's just comfortable with someone who keeps on staying no matter what he does ?

I am VERY CERTAIN that he takes God and his relationship with Him seriously,...but I can't help but wonder... Is my husband a good man of God that battles with an addiction .... or is my husband a sinner who loves and won't let go of his sin and goes to church only to feel better with himself ? 

 

I will appreciate very much you reply to this I need this questions answered by someone who's been on his side. Once again, thank you.

Edited April 13, 2016 by CJAS
missed a few words

[gdemoss]

15 hours ago, CJAS said:

1) gdmoss, I have no words to thank you for your testimony.

2) how do I KNOW this time is for real ?

3) How do I know he's really committed this time and that he's not just making a fool of me again?

4) How do I know if he REALLY wants to be delivered from this.

5) Why does he do things that put this marriage in danger?

6) Is it because he doesn't care if I leave him ?

7) Should I leave of at least for a few days?

8) Should I leave for good ? 

9) Am I helping feed hos addiction by staying each time he relapses?

10) What if I am teaching him that he can do whatever he wants because I never leave so there's no consequences?

11) How do I know if he truly loves me or he's just comfortable with someone who keeps on staying no matter what he does ?

12) Is my husband a good man of God that battles with an addiction .... or is my husband a sinner who loves and won't let go of his sin and goes to church only to feel better with himself ? 

 

13) I will appreciate very much you reply to this I need this questions answered by someone who's been on his side. Once again, thank you.

I have altered your post in my quote so that I may easily identify and address the things you said.  I have difficulty absorbing things I read so please bear with me.

1) No need to thank me.  Thank the one who brought us together.  That one is God Almighty who loves us.

2) All of my attempts to break free from the bondage to sexual sin I was in were real.  I never intended to go back to it again but I had no understanding of my inability to walk away.  That is why it is called bondage and why I had to be freed from it by Christ.

3) I was always committed to the cause but saying sorry coming from me was like saying forget you I am going to do it again because I did not know the true process of repentance.

4) There was a time in my addiction where I couldn't see life with or without sexual sin.  It was the jumping off place.  When put in the balance the weight of what it did for me versus the pain it caused me and others was too much for me to bear.  The evidence that I was ready was my actually talking to others about it, both professional and not.

5) I did things that put my marriage in danger because God had given me over to a reprobate mind because I did not honor him as God when he revealed himself to me.  My sin had consumed me and I was consumed by my sin.  The Devil who goes about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour had me.  I had no hope of escape without deliverance.  That said, Satan always works to keep me by reassuring me that I am not really powerless over my sin.  So the minute it gets any easier I begin to think I've got this and my arrogance mixed with ignorance would find me behind the computer again wondering what went wrong.  Hadn't I resolved to do better? Yes!  Then why was I here again?  The truth was I didn't know.  I was terrified she would give up hope and leave this tine permanently so I lied to cover up my tracks but God always has a way of having my sin find me out.

6) I was always terrified ahe would leave.

7) She did leave.  That hurt.  I thought that it would be enough to get me to quit.  It didn't change anything.  Once she was gone I was left alone and the fear she would leave was no longer carrying the weight it once did.  Leaving or staying had no real effect on my situation for what I needed was God and she was not God.

8) She left for good.  I went on for another 6 months before I hurt bad enough to turn for help.  It took me a couple years for God to finish the work of deliverance he had begun in me and in the mean time I found a new mate who was just like her and she went out and found a new mate just like me.  Neither one of us were any better off.

9) I never once felt justified or enabled when she would stay.  She had nothing to do with why I was caught up in sexual sin.  I had been given over by God and only an act of God could save me.

10) My addiction was fueled from within.  I had become a beast who had to feed.  The farther I got away from sexual gratification the more restless, irritable and discontent with life I became until I could get my "fix".  I was let loose of God and seeking some anchor to hold me and sexual gratification "seemed" to work so I always ended up acting out.

11) I was incapable of loving anyone for I hated my own self.  I had to keep doing the things that were destroying me and everything I could even hope to care for.  For this cause thoughts of suicide came often.

12) My problem was that I did not know God.  Though I thought I did, I did not.  When Jesus spoke about turning some away when they came to him to enter the kingdom saying depart from me I never knew you, he was talking about me for I spoke as if I knew him and counselled others yet my heart was far from him.

 

The women in my life were not the problem.  Their worst offense was ignorance for we are all like sheep led to the slaughter doing what we believe is right but only finding death.  

I have also been in your shoes.  Since recovering from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, God saw fit to put a woman in my life who was every bit as reprobate as I had been.  She was caught up in sexual sin and in desperate need of deliverance and did not know it.  God used me to help her see her problem and the subsequent solution.  It hurt like hell to have an unfaithful partner and I found it next to impossibe to not take it as a personal attack but by the grace of God I was given the ability to see that she was unfaithful because she was an adultress and not because anything I had done.  I walked her through the steps she needed to take to be reconcilled unto God and delivered from her sin.  She is free today.  I no longer hurt over her infidelity.  We are one.

There is a solution.

[kwikphilly]

Blessings CJAS

    Welcome to Worthy,,,,,,,I'm sorry you are going through this at this time,you did sy you got married in church & that he is a church leader(reformed atheist)but how about you,,,,,,,are you a Christian,Born Again,church goer? the reason I ask is because although you speak about church that does not tell me where you,he & God is in this relationship,,,,,,,,I would love to know where you are at .....it seems you have a relationship with our Lord?

  Neverless I think my advice to you would be the same,or very similar,,,,,,God is our Deliverer,counseling is a good idea & it can be helpFUL but our HELP comes from our HELPER,the Power of the Holy Spirit,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I cannot answer your questions about your husband,is he a man of God & such,,,,,,,you should know though & only he truly knows      You can be Saved & not receiving the Blessings,Joy,Peace,Deliverance & Freedom in Christ,,not living Saved,the more abundant life Jesus has died that we may have,here on earth     Your husband will not forsake his flesh & so he is bound by the stongholds of the enemy ,giving in to the temptation because he yields to his flesh,he is a carnal minded man,,,,,,& we are ALL sinners,we all fall short of the Glory of God but some forsake or relinquish their flesh to the Cross more readily than others,,,,,,,,

   I wold never say "leave" but I would also say that if you are going to make threats that you have to follow them through ,,,it is like saying to a child,"If you do that you will be punished" & the they never get punished & they keep doing the same thing over & over,,,,,,,,,But the difference is ,your husband is not your child,,,,,,,making threats"I'm gonna leave you" is probably not the best idea,,,,,,,,speaking to a good Christian counselor is & putting God in the center of the relationship ,,,,,,,but you cannot do this by yourself,you say he is your best friend,,,,,,,then tell your best friend that he has to WANT to be Delivered of this evil & he has to WANT to repent & resist the temptation,,,,,,,,

   Church is not a RELATIONSHIP with God,,,,perhaps that is the part that is missing for him,I think I should read your other reply,I missed it....maybe I can understand better                 Pray,pray,pray & we will all pray with you,,,,,     With love-in Christ,Kwik

[kwikphilly]

Blessings CJAS

    I read your response to gdemoss,,,,,,,,,,I did not read what he said but he is a Spirit Filled man & I am sure he has spoken about Deliverance to you as I have,,,,,,,,,if the addiction is not being addressed & spoken about in the marriage counseling then you are going for nothing,,,,,,,EVERYTHING needs be confessed & out in the open,you 2 are supposed to be one flesh ,,,,,everything must be brought into the Light in order to stop the lies,,,,,the enemy is havig a field day with your husband,do you know if he recognizes this?                     With love,Kwik