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I Think I'm Having a Meltdown


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I've noticed I (maybe everyone) go though time periods where everything goes wrong and eventually things seem to improve. That's not a meltdown. I feel like I've reached the end. I guess I believe it's a grievous sin to kill ones self. But if I didn't believe that I'd be looking for a way to do it. My health is so poor I no longer have quality of life. I keep wishing I had a terminal disease. When I hear of another person who died my feeling is "what luck". However, the dead person always had either a family or good friends. He/she will be sorely missed. That upsets me. God should take me, and let 1 of them stay with their family. Other than God, family is the most important thing this world has. 

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I feel you are very brave to share this.  Your courage inspires me.  I don't know if this helps you feel better or not.  I find when I feel this way way myself, not much usually does.  I have found sharing is what usually helps the more than advice.  So, I wanted to applaud your courage to share this. :)

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 I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I am so sorry you are in so much pain. I wish there were words I could type to comfort you. I will be praying for you. Before I go any further, allow me to tell you a little of my past. In 2003 I was in prison for a violent crime that unfortunately, I was guilty of. I had lost everything but my wife, and then she left me to follow witchcraft and be with a guy who was running his own occult group. For me, it was the last straw. over the next 3 days I dealt with increasing chest pain. I finally went to medical about it. While I was there, When they were about to take my blood for a blood test. I started feeling unbelievably weak and the next thing I knew I was watching Satan argue over me and my past mistakes. Saying I didn't belong with God. An angel began to dispute this with him, when all of a sudden there was a power like silent thunder rolling, or a bright light that shines from everywhere. With a voice that radiated power and love I was told to " go back "  and a few other things that don't matter right now. Instantly I was back in my body, which I might say felt like it weighed 500 pounds. What I thought had lasted 5-10 minutes, had lasted an hour and a half to 2 hours. I told you all that to say this. One thing I learned very clearly that day was that God is in charge, period. If you are still here, then there is a reason for it. Do not grow weary in well doing. It sounds from your post like you are in so much pain and hurt. In our times of struggle and pain we must turn to lord. Bare your soul to him, pour out your heart. Jesus will understand. I will be praying for you. I will be praying that you find God's love and comfort and Peace. Finally remember you are loved and to quote and paraphrase Paul, " the suffering's of this present world can't compare to what awaits us ". May the Lord Jesus be with you always.

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My health seems to be crumbling lately (yay autoimmune diseases!). I'm trying to remember this. God will hold me together. God will get me through.:

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2 hours ago, JTC said:

I've noticed I (maybe everyone) go though time periods where everything goes wrong and eventually things seem to improve. That's not a meltdown. I feel like I've reached the end. I guess I believe it's a grievous sin to kill ones self. But if I didn't believe that I'd be looking for a way to do it. My health is so poor I no longer have quality of life. I keep wishing I had a terminal disease. When I hear of another person who died my feeling is "what luck". However, the dead person always had either a family or good friends. He/she will be sorely missed. That upsets me. God should take me, and let 1 of them stay with their family. Other than God, family is the most important thing this world has. 

Hi JTC,

I did appreciate firestormx`s testimony. All I would like to say is that my hubby says - Life is a process of letting go...` (& holding on to the Lord). We all are stripped away, bit by bit in this damaged world, & it is only as we truly let go of  - if only.... or I don`t have...(quality of life) etc. These are all excuses (however painful) for us not to appreciate even the breath we have from God. Learn to look at what you still have & your mind & emotions will follow. It seems like you need to be the manager of yourself & not those thoughts.

Hoping & praying for a turn around, Marilyn.

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Hello JTC,    I wonder just how many Believers have your same feelings on occasions.  I can't sincerely say that it is wrong or okay to have those thoughts even on a case by case basis.  Heck, even after me having a recent serious health issue ( I am fine now) wold volunteer to trade places with you today.  But those are merely thoughts, and I really don't believe that The Lord would allow it. 

There are instances like,    John 15:13  "Greater love have no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends".  But I suspect that Jesus was talking about Himself and maybe for us when during a war, we jump on a grenade or something like that.

I will surely pray for you to find comfort in His Arms.  And I hope that you receive a good measure of posts to this topic.  God Bless

ps . . . .  way to go firestormx!!

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Hi jtc , I'm sorry you are feeling this way , and I too find that sadness goes in cycles. I am also alone with a chronic illness, but I agree with firestormx , we have given our lives to our Lord, and he is with us , he went through pain , sadness and loneliness.

he knows what we go through, he's been there .

One day , we will have accomplished everything we are meant too .Then we will be ready for heaven , Sorry I'm over simplifying ,

Will pray for you , and hope you will realize what a blessing you are .

petula 

 

 

 

 

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8 hours ago, JTC said:

I've noticed I (maybe everyone) go though time periods where everything goes wrong and eventually things seem to improve. That's not a meltdown. I feel like I've reached the end. I guess I believe it's a grievous sin to kill ones self. But if I didn't believe that I'd be looking for a way to do it. My health is so poor I no longer have quality of life. I keep wishing I had a terminal disease. When I hear of another person who died my feeling is "what luck". However, the dead person always had either a family or good friends. He/she will be sorely missed. That upsets me. God should take me, and let 1 of them stay with their family. Other than God, family is the most important thing this world has. 

I looked up your profile, which I normally don't do to anyone, to find out your age, because I am thinking maybe he has a health problem which can be helped.

Do you know whether you are able to help yourself?

If you reply, give me about a day to get back.

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I thank everyone for your responses. Most of my life I was a helper. In my 20's I was in school working towards becoming a psychotherapist. I never got the degree necessary to do that and I now believe God didn't want me as a professional therapist. Only certain people seek out professional care. Many more need to talk but who can they talk to that doesn't have an ulterior motive for listening. Everyone has an agenda, don't they? My only agenda was to help. Of course by helping another I was feeling better too. But that's not the kind of agenda I mean. This is what my life was like until about 15 yrs ago. But even in the last 15 yrs I started driving a Taxi. I soon discovered that many customers needed more than a ride. So I still felt like I had a purpose. In the past 4 years walking has become increasingly difficult and I noticed I'm bent forward, as if I want to look down. I've seen this happen to others but usually it happens in the 70's or 80's. I'm only 63. I'm at the point where putting out the trash is a job. I no longer own a car so I can't go far. I was foolish as a young man. I always wanted to be married and since it wasn't part of God's plan for me, I was always depressed, thinking of death, and I didn't save up any money. It was foolish beyond belief and at this point it's water under the bridge. I need to feel I have a purpose and I often don't. Btw, I have spinal stenosis that's what causes being bent over and the weakness in my legs. Believe it or not I take between 15 and 18 different meds a day. I'm so sick of all those pills I have to swallow. I'd just stop taking them if that would cause my death but it won't. It will cause more pain and more disability. One of my doc's seems to understand but another fights with me constantly because he wants to prolong my life with even more pills. It's almost funny. If I had a friend to laugh about with it would be funny.

All this has made me aware of a serious social problem we have. We have help groups for almost everyone except senior citizens. I think there's a few programs for folks in their late 70's and above but not me. I need everything from someone to talk to, help cleaning my apt, and a ride to stores.

I do pray a lot but I'm not so sure God likes what I ask for. I want to leave. But then I say if He won't do that how about a companion. At least a reason to be here other than suffering. I don't understand why, for me, that's too much to ask for. I've known people who cry (literally) because they have to spend 8 hours alone. I can't even listen to them anymore. I'm losing my tolerance for others. That's not good.

Thanks for reading this. 

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4 hours ago, Kan said:

I looked up your profile, which I normally don't do to anyone, to find out your age, because I am thinking maybe he has a health problem which can be helped.

Do you know whether you are able to help yourself?

If you reply, give me about a day to get back.

Kan, what do you mean by helping myself?

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