Problem with my widower father

[LilyVirginia]

Hello all. I'm very desperately in need of some advice on something that I have difficulty telling anyone about. We're a devout Christian family and my family (husband, daughter and I) have my 68 year old dad living with us. My mum passed away 3 years ago and it was a very difficult situation and I thank God that Dad and I were there to give each other support at this time.

My dad is a very well-respected member of our church which makes this situation very complicated and difficult.

I have a sister who lives overseas with her family and we have discussed that at some point if dad ever needed to have a companion we wouldn't really mind as we know how difficult it might be dealing with the loneliness since mum passed away. However, in the last year or so I have become very suspicious of dad as he's been very protective of his mobile, often times making sure he deletes stuff if I have to do something like show him how to update software, etc. Anyway, I got a bit paranoid and saw texts that he's been sending a very close friend of mine who's married by the way (40 yrs old) texts saying things like "baby", "sweetie" "love you" and things like how nice she looked on a particular day, etc - you get the drift. However, I've never seen any texts that reciprocate the same feelings from this friend so not sure if she's just very careful or she too finds it awkward not knowing how to put him down easily as he uses the widower sympathetic card quite often.

I really do not know what to make of this, and maybe I'm being paranoid and there's nothing to this, but this just seems so wrong and deceitful. Especially when he criticises my husband for every fault of his (that is another long story and my husband has made some huge mistakes but is on the right path now). 

My mum did tell me that he did womanise during his younger days when he was married, and I wonder if that story's playing with my head as well.

The first thought that came to mind when I saw these texts 5 days ago was anger, resentment and just a sense of despair. How do you confront your dad with this kind of information? He lost mum, and if I were making this all up in my head then he'd be so distraught. So then, I started feeling suicidal as I felt there was no way out but then realised that that wasn't the solution. I needed to get this off my chest to lessen the burden and get some advice. I wanted to tell my sister but she stays so far away and I didn't want her to get emotional and angry and feeling unable to do anything from so far. And I can't tell my friends, or church or work as this is so embarrassing. So I've come here after a bit of searching on the net and stumbled upon this site. 

So yes, any advice would be really appreciated. All I can do is pray about this and turn to the Lord for help but I don't seem to get any answers as I'm just filled with anger and resentment. 

Thanks so much.

Blessings.

Edited September 2, 2016 by LilyVirginia

[petula]

Hi lily , welcome to Worthy 

I can understand how upsetting this situation is for you , you have come to the right place with your problem , there are many wise and loving Christians here 

When you lose your spouse your whole life changes , it was like losing my arm , my identity , for a while you search very hard for that missing arm . I think that might be what your father is doing . I suggest you talk to this woman he is texting , just have coffee , talk about your father , she may confide in you , if not , you should get an idea about the extent of their relationship .

There are councillors and therapy groups that are very helpful , not just for your father , you lost your mother , I know how hard it is , maybe you could talk to a grief councillor also

My sisters Kwik , rusty angel and others will be able to help more than I , I'll be praying for you .

God bless you dear 

 

[RustyAngeL]

12 hours ago, LilyVirginia said:

Hello all. I'm very desperately in need of some advice on something that I have difficulty telling anyone about. We're a devout Christian family and my family (husband, daughter and I) have my 68 year old dad living with us. My mum passed away 3 years ago and it was a very difficult situation and I thank God that Dad and I were there to give each other support at this time.

My dad is a very well-respected member of our church which makes this situation very complicated and difficult.

I have a sister who lives overseas with her family and we have discussed that at some point if dad ever needed to have a companion we wouldn't really mind as we know how difficult it might be dealing with the loneliness since mum passed away. However, in the last year or so I have become very suspicious of dad as he's been very protective of his mobile, often times making sure he deletes stuff if I have to do something like show him how to update software, etc. Anyway, I got a bit paranoid and saw texts that he's been sending a very close friend of mine who's married by the way (40 yrs old) texts saying things like "baby", "sweetie" "love you" and things like how nice she looked on a particular day, etc - you get the drift. However, I've never seen any texts that reciprocate the same feelings from this friend so not sure if she's just very careful or she too finds it awkward not knowing how to put him down easily as he uses the widower sympathetic card quite often.

I really do not know what to make of this, and maybe I'm being paranoid and there's nothing to this, but this just seems so wrong and deceitful. Especially when he criticises my husband for every fault of his (that is another long story and my husband has made some huge mistakes but is on the right path now). 

My mum did tell me that he did womanise during his younger days when he was married, and I wonder if that story's playing with my head as well.

The first thought that came to mind when I saw these texts 5 days ago was anger, resentment and just a sense of despair. How do you confront your dad with this kind of information? He lost mum, and if I were making this all up in my head then he'd be so distraught. So then, I started feeling suicidal as I felt there was no way out but then realised that that wasn't the solution. I needed to get this off my chest to lessen the burden and get some advice. I wanted to tell my sister but she stays so far away and I didn't want her to get emotional and angry and feeling unable to do anything from so far. And I can't tell my friends, or church or work as this is so embarrassing. So I've come here after a bit of searching on the net and stumbled upon this site. 

So yes, any advice would be really appreciated. All I can do is pray about this and turn to the Lord for help but I don't seem to get any answers as I'm just filled with anger and resentment. 

Thanks so much.

Blessings.

It's true what Lily says, when you loose a spouse it changes your whole world.

However to be texting a married woman, with the the terms, baby, sweetie and saying "I love you" is out of line, and I wish I had an easy answer.  However your friend needs to confront your dad and tell him this is not proper.  She is the one who needs to handle this.  If she asks for help then you can step in but this needs needs to handled very carefully so no one get's hurt most of all your dad, he's already been wounded by your mom's death.

There is no reason why you need to be telling anyone.  Once it's handled and straightened out you might suggest to your dad to talk to your pastor.

Blessings Lily,  RustyAngeL

ps, if you need to talk you may pm me and we can have a chat.

 

[Ezra]

23 hours ago, LilyVirginia said:

We're a devout Christian family and my family (husband, daughter and I) have my 68 year old dad living with us.

Hello LV, and Welcome.  Here is your first problem. Unless your dad is physically disabled, he should be living separately. He needs to live his life, and you and your family need to live yours.  Which means you should be minding your own business.

23 hours ago, LilyVirginia said:

Anyway, I got a bit paranoid and saw texts that he's been sending a very close friend of mine who's married by the way (40 yrs old) texts saying things like "baby", "sweetie" "love you" and things like how nice she looked on a particular day, etc - you get the drift.

Your close friend had no business sharing this with you. While it is wrong and offensive to you, it is not your business.  What you should suggest is that she and her husband meet privately with your dad (which excludes you) and confront him about this. He should be asked to put a stop to it and seek out a suitable person to develop a healthy and godly relationship.  If they fail to do this, they would be in violation of Scripture.

23 hours ago, LilyVirginia said:

Especially when he criticises my husband for every fault of his

That is probably because your dad is around your home. He needs his own place and his own space. Which means that now you and your husband will need to sit down with him and tell him frankly that the current situation is unhealthy for all of you, and that he should move out ASAP. That you both still love him and respect him, but separate spaces will make for healthy relationships.

23 hours ago, LilyVirginia said:

I needed to get this off my chest to lessen the burden and get some advice. I wanted to tell my sister but she stays so far away and I didn't want her to get emotional and angry and feeling unable to do anything from so far. And I can't tell my friends, or church or work as this is so embarrassing.

This matter should absolutely not be discussed with your sister or anyone else.  That would be the worst mistake you could make.  The man is a widower and he should find a suitable companion for himself. You are not responsible for him, neither is he responsible for you.

When things are back to where they should be, you and your family can certainly meet with him from time to time.  But you already have your hands full managing your life and that of your family.

Even though you all loved your late mom, a time comes when people have to get on with their lives. That is not disrespect or disregard at all, since even the apostle Paul exhorts the younger widows to remarry. 

[missmuffet]

Welcome to Worthy Lily

First of all you need to pray to God and ask Him to put the words in your brain and on your tongue of what He wants you to tell your father. I would sit down with your dad and say " Dad we need to talk". I would tell him your concerns and ask that he be open and honest with you. Then the ball is in his court. I would then pray to God and tell Him everything that is on your heart.

[FresnoJoe]

Welcome~!

~

Praying~!