Have I blasphemed the spirit? HELP

[Beebert]

 

 

I am extremely plagued and tortured by fear over thinking that I have committed the unforgivable sin. I am going to tell you my story and the reason over this fear which leads me to nothing else but despair. I cannot focus on anything during the days, I pray to God so much but I only feel like I am caged and locked up inside myself. I look at Christ and feel so sorry over having sort of failed, and I am afraid of going to hell and of living a life just waiting for my destiny. I am going to tell you now my background.
   So I grew up in an agnostic family, and my parents are musicians. In my childhood they wanted me to play classical music but I was more interested in football so I focused on that. But when I reach my teenage years some things started to happen. I started feeling that I changed in many ways, not just physically but mentally as well. I started thinking a lot and i started feeling anxiety and so on. When I was 14 I started thinking a lot about the meaning of life and existential questions and so on. And one day at this age I heard classical music and it transformed my mind. I felt tears and it was almost like a religious experience hearing the music of Bach and Beethoven and the likes. This made me feeling that I was meant to play music. So I started learning the piano. But I became tormented by guilty feelings and regrets. This regrets told me "It is too late", "You should have started earlier", "Now there is no point". Of course these regrets were selfish and spoiled, because I didn't realize back then that I should just be happy by the gift I had gotten; the opportunity to love classical music and to start playing it. Instead of just following the love in my heart, I started to create all sorts of rules for myself and focused intensely on performances and accomplishments. Not on love, but on accomplishments. Of course everybody wants love, and nothing in life is real but love and God. Now though, life is completely filled up with the opposite; the devil and accomplishments and worshiping the self. This I did not realize as a teenager.
   I was quite good at football when I was young and wanted to become a professional player… But in my teenage years I started looking more at music and then I had this major failure in football which made me feel a lot of shame in front of my friends and I decided to quit. Now I got in to an identity crisis. I wanted so much to play music instead but my prideful being thought it "too late". I went to plenty of psychologists, complaining about my background and other people and how I regretted that my parents didn't force me to play an instrument when I was younger. Then I started to engage myself to drinking and so on. Not a lot, but still. I created this sort of identity which was based on how other viewed me. I wanted people to look at me as being talented, a great musician and so on… Instead of just playing out of love. Time went by, and I of course practiced the piano a lot but when I was 17 years old and up until 20 I decided to isolate myself and completing school at distance so that I could focus on the piano. Only in order to try and accomplish something and "catch up" lost time. During these 3 years I was tormented by regrets and they grow heavier and heavier over time because time went by. And I had not the courage to get a piano teacher because I did not want to be criticized and told that I was not as good as I wanted to think of myself as being. At the same time everybody praised me of being gifted and so on and this tortured me. I was prideful, this was and is my greatest sin, and I felt it was a burden from my father and his father. In one sense I was very prideful and in the other sense I had a sensitive conscience that felt guilty every time I did not please my friends. This made me a person who had a very hard time saying no to people. Of course this problem only made my prideful nature even more prideful as a sort of defense mechanism, and my conscience was probably also prideful in the sense that it was not a conscience of love but of being afraid of other people disliking me or being disappointed at me. During this years I started searching a lot about the meaning of life and the truth of life in order to sort of defend myself but also in order to find something that could make me feel that it was actually possible to become a decent pianist and play concerts for people for a person starting at my age. I asked plenty of people if it was possible, trying to find signs and proofs everywhere. But as soon as someone said it was possible, I did not believe it. As soon as someone said that I should just believe it and see and play, I was not satisfied. I found comfort in philosophers like Schopenhauer who thought that life was basically meaningless. I thought a lot of times during my teen years that I had some sort of psychological diagnose. I searched after diagnoses trying to find some way to explain my problems, not realizing everything was because of my unbelief and selfishness. I imagined all kinds of things, that I had OCD, that I had some sort of personality disorder and so on. Though in my heart I knew this was not true, I just wanted to find an explanation of my life situation instead of taking responsibility and realizing who I was. I did not realize enough that I existed as a unique human being who could be defined not only objectively but subjectively also. When I was 19 some things started to happen. I started saying to myself that I need to be "born again" to get rid of all these feeling of regretting the past and grieving my past and so on. I said "I need to trust the here and now and become a living and loving person". Then a couple of times between the age of 19 and 20 I had marvelous experiences of grace. But I did not realize what it was, because I hadn't read the bible and I did not truly believe in God at this time. Though I did hope that there was a God and I did admire and sort of believe Christ, but only in a shallow way. At this time I also started in my first relationship with a girl in my life. This relationship was also only based on lust and trying to find self comfort. I could not realize by this time how selfish I was because nothing in me convicted me.
   But at the age of 20 things started to change. I started going to a music school for the first time in my life and got a piano teacher for the first time in years. When I started school I became obsessed with finding ways to control my life; I tried to make schemes and so on, and as soon as I came with some sort of insight on how I was going to control my life situation I wrote it down. But always I was left disappointed, because I could not do anything that prevented me from having these obsessive thoughts about my past actions and wanting to control my future and writing up future plans and so on. Everything that made me not being able to be in the present. And as I said before, I realized I needed to be like a child again, born again, because young children live in the present, I thought.
  Now, a couple of months in school I one day went by a cafe to buy coffee. This was in october 2014. Here a very strange thing happened. First I got in to a conversation with a stranger about life and philosophy and religion that lasted for about 1 hour. But after this conversation, a man behind me said "It was interesting what you said about the kingdom of God being within you". I answered: "Did I say that?". And he said: "Yes, and only God himself can have planted this truth within you. God might be working within you. Do you believe in God?". Surprised about his words I answered that I don't know and I asked him if he did and he said yes. Then he told me this amazing conversion experience that he had been going through and how Jesus Christ had given him new life. I was astonished. It felt like absurdity. But I said to myself that if this is true then it is the solution to all my problems. But it was still on a selfish point. I said to him "But if I am about to believe in God I must be called by God right? I cannot just say 'I believe'. I must believe with my heart and live for God. I cannot use God as some sort of mean for my purpose. He must be the whole purpose and meaning and everything I do should serve him, right?" I knew that inside of me I wanted to believe in God in order to make me feel that it was possible to become good at piano for example. But the guy answered "Yes you are right. But Start praying, start reading the bible, and God will change it. He will change your heart through Christ and make himself the purpose in your life, if you believe it". This of course had a huge impact on me. I left the cafe and went home. And after this, I started dreaming strange things, and then I woke up in the nights thinking about God and Jesus. But then I forgot about it and continued to live my sinful life for about a month. Notice that I did not know basically what sin was at this point in my life. Anyway, a month or two later I broke up with my girlfriend. This broke me down. I felt so sad, and life felt meaningless. I said to myself; "How can I? How can I live like this, selfish and just trying to flee from myself all the time and do meaningless things to satisfy my own selfish needs? I am a wicked person! There must be something else than living like this!" And I ran to the closest church and I wept and looked at the cross. And I said to myself "If you are the truth, let me live by your truth!" And it was like I understood the cross… I realized he was put to death on the cross and then resurrected… And I thought "This is what needs to be done with my inner self… It has to die and be be alive for real again". And then something in me realized that Christ must be the truth. It is the only way to find a purpose in life. But still I did not realize sin and what it was. I started reading the bible for real and here I saw some amazing things. I read about how Christ talks about that you need to be born again and about faith making everything possible and so on, and it moved my heart so much that I truly did realize; this is the truth. Now, I was still not one hundred percent converted by this, but it moved me so much, it was like an explained experience. I read the letters of Paul about the first and second Adam and so on, and it moved me. I felt that here I find what I have been searching, to a new man. And if it is God who tells us this, then all my life is blessed, everything I have been going through has led up to this. I realized that sin meant "missing the mark" and I thought to myself that this I had always done. Missing the mark… So it is actually to not believe, to not have faith.   I went once more to this guy at the cafe. Two months after the first time.  We said hello to each other and when he shook  my hand he asked me if something had happened. I said "No not really". But then he told me exactly what I had experienced (breaking up with my girlfriend) and he said that God told him this. He then told me a new girl had been starting to have feelings for me. This made me feel unsure. I did not know how to react and I was very astonished. I thought that this man must have a close relationship with God. Some days went by… And what happened? A girl contacted me on Facebook. This girl went to the same school as I did, but I had never spoken to her. It turned out that she was in love with me. I thought about what the guy from the cafe said. This felt very mysterious.
   As I was a person who was bad at saying no I just answered her without reflecting over it, feeling a bit flattered over the fact that she liked me. Time went by, I thought about Christ but still in a shallow way, it was something drawing me to him, I wanted to stop with my old life and live a new life, but I had no true understanding of saving faith and so on, I thought that serving Christ meant to do good things first and foremost. Anyway, it boosted a feeling of hope inside of me, so I realized that something had started to happen inside me. I dreamed strange dreams and I woke up sometimes thinking about God, and I really did start to think that he does exist.
  Anyway, I had a friend at school. He was not the best company for me because he was very anti-religous and he was quite prideful also and wanted to sort of take all the place in the room, and he had wishes to be famous and so on. He felt like a person who wanted power. But I sort of fell in to his company because of having troubles saying no and I was also tempted in a way to be able to sort of do the things he did, to have the same confidence as him. At new years eve 2014/2015 we went to a party and it ended with me having a one night stand with a girl after having drinking a lot. After this I felt very uncomfortable, and I reflected over it, feeling anxious and regretful, but still not understanding the seriousness of it. A couple of weeks went by and during these two weeks I sort of forgot a little bit about Christ and all, and this girl who was in love with me continued to make contact. I answered her because of two things; I thought that I was a bad person if I said no, afraid of making her sad, and I was a little bit flattered. Anyway, it turned out that she had broken up with a boyfriend recently and also that she was very young(only 16 years old and I was 5 years older). This made me convinced that her love for me was mainly a crush because of her age. And I started to imagine all these things about her being depressed or something and that she sought comfort. I sort of projected my own experiences on her: Many things about her seemed to reflect my past life, and something within me told me that I had to say no to her in order to come to God, and something within me said that this was a test. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to go with her for walks and things like that and I said yes despite meaning no in my heart. At these walks I became attracted by her being. She was very free in her spirit, and sort of contemplative and spontaneous. This was very much the opposite of how I was, being a thinker who grieved about the past and so on. She had a lot of sense of the present, and this sort of attracted me, because this was exactly what I wanted, to live in the present, to feel love and to be a loving person, as she was. But in my heart something said "This is not right, you do not have feelings for her that are true and honest and this is a temptation. You need to make yourself free in relation to God and you can not think that another human being shall make you free". So my conscience said two things to me: It said "no because you must be honest", and it said "but this girl is fun, I want to be like that, free and young in spirit". My head started confusing me. Something in me said that because of her youth and because of her free spirit and all, that this was some sort of test and that I was being tempted, that I sort of was close to mix up true spiritual rebirth with a false one. The false one being that I sought youth in her, and the true being that I realized I was an eternal being with an eternal soul.
   Anyway, at the end of January 2015, she asked me if I was in love with her. Many strange signs had occurred in the month of January which I tried to interpret as signs from God but I wasn't sure. I answered her that I started to have feelings for her but wasn't yet ready for a relationship. She said that was okay. But the truth was that I was not in love. I was flattered that she liked me(pride) and attracted by her soul(this was good in a way, because she really have a special charisma). Anyway, the day after my answer she asked me if I wanted to go for a walk. I said yes. Not realizing what I did I looked at her when we were about to say good bye for today. I looked into her eyes and suddenly, I kissed her.
   This kiss made her so happy, because she was so in love with me. She told her friends that the person she was in love with had kissed her. I was happy at first(but I think my happiness was because of being approved by a girl). Anyway, that same night I dreamed. I dreamed about a train that was traveling towards light but suddenly a huge black wall came in the way and then I woke up and said to myself: "I have sinned".
   Now… This kiss resulted in the most horrible feelings of guilt that I have ever had in my entire life. I was tormented. I started dreaming intensely, realizing for real who Christ was. I thought I had committed a horrible crime and I was all alone trying to figure things out. I read intensely the bible, and other religious books. I started going to church services. And I woke up every single night at 3 a clock I think it was. This continued for about 2.5 months. I read the bible and I realized everything, I truly felt I understood that Christ was God and that I had been a horrible sinner throughout my whole life who had only been living for myself. I realized that if I only confess my sin to this girl I will be free. I will be born again if I confess, I have to confess, I thought. The fact that she was so young made me accuse myself and being afraid of myself. I started to imagine that I had seduced a young girl when I kissed her(which I didn't I now realize) and that I had committed a horrible crime and that if I DO confess to her maybe she will kill her self. I started to imagine all these things. Because she thought that we were now in a relationship, but I only felt shame and guilt and the need to confess. And she was so happy, and I thought that she had been depressed before or something because I did not know her past enough, so I imagined all different sort of things. So this made me truly feel guilty but also afraid of the consequences of my actions. But as I looked at the cross, I know it said to me "Confess, you have to tell the truth". But then something in me said "I don't want to hurt this young girl, she is such a nice person".
   At the same time, I think I read too much books. And also, I found signs everywhere, warnings and so on. All the warnings said that I must confess my sin or something worse will happen and so on. But I thought in a way that I had done something unforgivable, but I looked at Christ and he said he would forgive me. But I was too afraid I guess… So I was tortured with these feelings of guilt for about 2.5 months. I thought too much about being righteous through actions and I looked too much up to the catholic church, and didn't even investigate the protestant church. I decided without reflecting that the catholics were right. The reason to this was a shallow reason where I felt I needed to convert to another church than the one I was baptized in(I was baptized as a kid, but only as a traditional thing, I wasn't raised up in faith). So I wanted to convert in order to make an outward sign that I was "born again". And therefore I concluded without reflecting that the catholics were right. I decided that Luther was prideful and so on, without even investigating in his thoughts. I think this was a major mistake that I did. But now, the Lutheran Church in my country which I was baptized in has become quite worldly, and because of this, I concluded that Luther was wrong. Also, my piano teacher was quite dogmatic and all about rules and so on, and this made me(because of my stupidity and pride) to think that truth is completely objective and that you cannot in any way understand it by yourself. Therefore I also supported the Catholic saying that you cannot interpret scripture by yourself. All these things made me not realizing how simple following Christ was: It's all about listening to the heart convicting you of sin, confess you sin, turn away from it and repent. Yes… And I knew also what I needed to do in order to do so. I needed to confess to God and to this girl. I truly started realized what sin was. Everywhere where sin was I wanted to go away. I became disgusted when people spoke about sex, drank alcohol to get drunk, listening to stupid music, swearing, watching bad television shows and so on. It was like I had new eyes. I saw the world in a way I hadn't done before. I saw how God views sin I guess. But I still had this illusion that I couldn't trust my own heart and so on because I thought that saying that I know God's way would be prideful and I had this wrong idea about what humility was. I imagined that only other people who were experienced could tell me about God. So in a way, I thought like the pharisees, who told the sinners what sin was and so on. But in the same time I was truly convicted and realized the horrible life I had lived and the horrible life people were living often, and I saw the blessings in Christ.
 And I realized that everything that had been a trouble in my life, all my doubts, my isolation from friends, my regrets and grieving about the past and trying to control the future was all because of this simple thing; I had no trust, no faith. And Christ just gave me everything, he gave me hope that all the thing I had doubted but hoped for was possible, and he was God who told this to me. He was about to give me new life, a new life of purpose and love, where everything I do is suppose to honor this person who has given his life for me. So nothing more now is about accomplishment, I thought, but it is all about him, about love. What is there to be afraid of? I should live for him. What is there to doubt if there is faith? There is no truth in the world, the truth is in him and he makes me realize that I exist for real, as spirit. I truly felt, when looking back at it now, that I understood the whole gospel. But I still let myself thinking that everybody inside the catholic church are right, and everybody outside is wrong. But Christ, I saw him, he touched my heart and I felt that the new life was about to come if I only would confess to this girl. I felt so horrible about myself and that I would just turn away from all my old evil self. And everything I read in the bible felt like a blessing. I started to love Jesus. I felt, only if I confess, I will live my life for you. But I was tormented over the fact that I had kissed this wonderful girl and I was so afraid to break her heart. I was so stressed up… And I realize now that I was listening to much to the Accuser when he said "You have done something horrible, kissing this girl, she will kill herself if you confess". But then Christ who said "Confess, and I will forgive you and you will have life. Have faith in me".
   I decided, being truly afraid over the consequences, that I needed to end the relationship with her, for I was not honest. In april 2015 I went to her to tell her. But I just couldn't. Instead I walked with her and she asked me if I wanted to come home to her in the weekend. I said no. And when I looked at her, I saw her eyes became filled with tears. This made me feel horrible, so I said "Okay, i can come home to you this weekend". I went home to her. She is living at this beautiful place out in the countryside, with wonderful nature and so on. When I came there, I was amazed. It was like being in the paradise. And this was the first time in months that I wasn't tormented by guilt. But a voice inside me said, this is a temptation from the devil. But then after that I sort of ignored it, looking at her and thought, "Why can't I be with her? I am already born again, this is it! I will live in the present for ever! She is young and so am I. It doesn't matter. In her age people often break up later. I can be in a relationship with her and have a lot of fun and practice the piano. My life is solved!". And we ran around in the forest, climbing in trees, laughing and so on, and she managed to make me do funny things that I had never done before. And I felt so free. But I thought in the back of my head "I am being tempted". It felt very much like being in the Garden of Eden. Anyway, this day went by and in the evening I was so filled with "happiness" or rather exaltation, that I forgot all about my convicting conscience and about sin and guilt and Jesus Christ, and I went in to the relationship with her and answered. We had sex… And now… After that, nothing convicted me anymore. I was filled with this illusion of a new truth. I sort of made up a theory that my grieving from the passed was gone forever and that I could manage that now. I created a sort of new picture based on that I was young again and therefore it is possible for me to learn the piano. I completely forgot about the conviction in Christ. I was happy for about to weeks, but then a voice inside me said I had done wrong and replaced God with this girl and this new illusion. I thought to myself that I had made this girl an idol. And when time went by, my conviction of sin was gone. Instead I started to be bitter, feeling irritated at her, thinking to myself that she is not in love with me, she is only dependent and needy. And I stopped praying, I stopped reading the bible and all these things. I tried sometime reading the bible, but it was like if I couldn't understand it anymore. I felt dead… I felt worried again and all these old egoistic thoughts and all this grieving about the past and so on was back.
   Things got worse. I stopped sort of realizing that in front of me was a person with feelings. I started accusing her of being in my way, and then as soon as she tried to just stop being in my way I asked for forgiveness. But I was very strange in my behavior, not realizing that my behavior now hurt her much more than if I would only have confessed.
   In May 2015 I received a call from a music school that was situated in another city. This city is a very religious place. And as soon as they had called, I was astonished. Because once again I thought that this must have been a part of God's plan. This place had everything I had wished for: music, religion, peace. And I thought this would finally be a place where I can become myself and do what I have always wanted to do: Play music and play concerts and be in a religious environment. I thought to myself that maybe God wanted to give me this as a gift if I only had confessed to her. So I said to myself and imagined that if I had confessed, I would have found piece in Christ and he would have send me to this place as a reward. But I did not confess to her. Instead I thought that time would solve the problems and that maybe if I go to this place and study there we will break up, because of her being young and so on. During the summer from june to august I had some very pleasant moments with this girl, because she was truly a wonderful person, but then other times in my heart I was irritated and knew that something was wrong. I thought though that I can solve these religious things later. My heart became dirty once again… I started masturbating, looking at other women, counting money, only living in stress for myself. And I tried to read the bible but it was of course impossible… Last summer I read Hebrews 6:4-6:6 and I thought it spoke about me. So there sort of despaired and felt hopeless and thought that I was done. I felt I wanted to give up.
 In august I decided to move this new city. When I moved, I started crying a lot. I felt I had done something horrible to this wonderful girl and that I wanted to be with her, because I did not want to see her sad. But when I went to this new city, another feeling came to me that said "But you don't want to be with her, and now you are just fleeing". I heard about Jonah and I felt a lot like him, I thought that I was fleeing from God. In my anxiety, I said to this girl that was so in love with me, that if she only lets me do what I want to do(focus on music) I will marry her in the future. And so, I proposed to her! I wasn't even in love I think, but now, in August 2015, filled with filthy thoughts and escaping God, I proposed. I didn't realize how happy I made her. I only lived for myself.
  And the year went by. It was a very difficult year. She had many anxiety attacks, she cried a lot missing me and so on. And I only accused her in my heart for not being in love. I projected all my feelings on her. I spoke to her about Christ and so on but I didn't follow him myself. I went some times to the church that was there, but I felt like a stranger. I tried to speak to priests but nothing happened. I had a lot to do at the school, so it was hard to find time to reflect, and I thought to myself that I will solve everything when the term is over. During this year, from august 2015 to june 2016 I became an even worse person. I started looking at porn, masturbating almost everyday, looking at other women, and projecting all my bad feelings on my girlfriend. She started doubting what love was, and I only thought that was because she was never in love with me. I couldn't see that my horrible behavior and that my inner state of being was something that effected her. We had a sexual relationship, and sex for her truly meant making love. And she was a much purer person than I, but I, who had been an impure person and then had been convicted by God, was now a more impure person than ever before in my entire life. And in front of me was a girl who had sincere feelings, and I only said to myself and tried to make her understand that she probably wasn't in love but only a confused teenager! And I had proposed to her as well! My God, I had no sense anymore of the fact that we were two persons. I only wanted to make her not feel bad, but the fact was that I somewhere knew I was guilty and that I tried to control everything. I asked her everyday how she was, and every time she felt bad I started worrying. I did so many wrong things. And bad luck came over me the whole year. I couldn't focus. I found no piece. And something inside me said to me, every time something bad happened, that I was punished by God.
   In june 2016 I decided to end my studies at the school and move home in order to solve things with my girlfriend. I was completely wicked. I had become a materialist and control freak, who's only wish in life was to make sure that he could practice the piano for five more years in order to become good. Only accomplishment. No love. No love for anything. Only desperation.
   In july 2016 I realized for the first time how empty my life was and how meaningless I had been living. I started praying. But I felt nothing. Then I continued, on and on again. And after a while I started crying. I cried and I cried and I realized what I had done. I became desperate. I started reading the bible, I started going to priests and so on. And I felt no relief what so ever. I realized what I had done to this wonderful girl. I saw everything. And I thought "Have I been lying the whole time? WHAT HAVE I DONE? SHE LOVES ME! And I pretend to love her! Or do I? Do I love her? Can I love her? I have betrayed Jesus! What have I done! Do I have do end the relationship? But I have said to her that I love her the most, and I have said to her that I will marry her and have children with her! And she is so young, though much more mature than her age! Have I lied all the way? I do like her a lot, but maybe I am just with her because I am afraid of her reaction if I break up. Maybe I am just with her to protect myself from my own feelings". I started dreaming a lot, I woke up with anxiety, I couldn't sleep. And I prayed and prayed. I confessed everything to her and she said she forgives me. I have realized that ALL bad feelings she has had, all doubts and all her feelings that she does not know love anymore is because of me. I have done something horrible. She was and is a much more angel like person than me. I have made her less so through my horrible behavior. I feel such remorse, but I feel incapable of repenting. I am tormented by fear of having committed the unforgivable sin and have been so now for two months. I can't focus on anything else. I read everywhere about it and I ask for forgiveness all day long but I do not feel love any more. I don't know if I am thinking to much but I only feel afraid of punishment. I feel like what I have done is exactly what people say is the unforgivable sin: Sinning against light. Wasn't it light I experienced 1.5 years ago? Wasn't it light i sinned against when I didn't confess? Now, I like this girl still, but do I have to break up with her? What if she now actually DOES kill herself if I do? What if I cannot find God anymore? What shall I do then? I am 22 years old… Shall I just wait for hell? I don't understand anything. I so want to be in fellowship with Christ but it's like I have lost my chance. Everything I read in the bible speaks against me. Before Jesus felt so loving, but now it feels like he is accusing me. I feel damned. So damned… I know I am and I know I deserve punishment. But what should I do? Give up everything? Stop playing the piano and become a monk? Shall I just live for another maybe 50 years(who knows?) and wait for hell? Shall I become a monk? Shall I end the relationship with this girl or not? I know nothing… I feel no piece. And the worst thing is that i am prideful still. I feel like I regret more that I didn't confess than I actually want to repent. I want to want to repent but I don't know how to. I fantasize over how I would have lived with Christ and how he would have solved my life if I only confessed. Now this is not true repenting. This is like Esau crying over the loss of his blessing. What can I do? There must be something. I have never been in a true christian fellowship. So I am thinking to myself that much of the problem lies in the fact that I have been walking and stumbling all on my own and therefore I was doomed to fall. Can I ever come back to Christ? Or am I eternally damned? Christ says that he will not cast out he who comes to him. But how do I come to him after this? I have cried and confessed everything but I have no idea on how to solve my situation. I don't know what to do with this girl. I don't know anything. I only know that if I would have confessed back then I would have probably lived with Christ now. This is the most horrible thing I have ever done. I see now hope. I only now that I am exactly like I was before being convicted of sin and I now see no way to come back. Should I just pray forever? Can it really be that you can be convicted of sin in january and then 3 months later blaspheme the spirit without knowing so? I am confused. I don't know if I know what I did. But I realize that my sins are horrible. And the consequences are horrible for me and for my girlfriend. Now I am so sorry for everything… I feel like the worst person on earth and I despair… Despair over salvation… Now that in itself is a great sin. What can I do? Any tips? I hope I haven't blasphemed the holy spirit, I know Christ is God… But if I have… how shall I cope with my fate? I deserve what God gives me? But how shall I handle the situation? If I had only understood back then what I do now, that everything of God is within the heart and that you truly are saved by grace through faith. Confessing to her would have been exactly that action. I don't know how well I realized it back then… But I do know that Christ came to me. I do know I failed the test. I read the bible now and I feel like I am a pharisee. HOW COULD I NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I WOULD HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN IF I CONFESSED THAT IT WAS WRONG TO KISS HER? Jesus forgave murderers… Of course he would have forgiven me. No I imagine that I have rejected him and committed sin against light and a sin of unbelief. The righteous shall walk by faith. But how can I come to faith after these horrible actions? What shall I do? Have I committed blasphemy against the holy spirit? I mean. I was ENLIGHTENED. I came to the point of understanding Jesus as my savior and I realized that confessing to this girl would lead to him. I was convicted by the spirit, I felt the coming joy of Christ. I mean, all I had to do was to confess and trust Gud forgiveness and then I would have been saved. I knew this but I was too much a coward so instead I was tempted and sinned and have been away from the lord sinning and lyingför 1.5 years. I committed the sin of fornication INSTEAD är confessing when I was convicted. I feel horrible and terrified. I regret so much not being with Christ. I don't understand why I let this happen. So am I eternally damned?

 

[BK1110]

Blaspheming the Holy Spirit is basically just any sin that you are completely unrepentant of; you keep doing it, you feel no guilt over it, you don't ask for forgiveness, you make no effort to change, you ignore the Holy Spirit speaking to you about it. If you're feeling brokenness about a sin and wanting to change, wanting forgiveness, then I'd say you haven't blasphemed the Holy Spirit. You might be damned right now...but only because you have not repented and turned fully to God.

First and foremost, you need to turn yourself over to Christ. You must accept Him and live for Him alone. Let His power and His grace fill you. It seems like you keep trying to fix things, agonizing over the past and your mistakes. After receiving true forgiveness, brought by true repentance, Psalm 103:12 ESV - as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us He takes it away, and we do not need to continue drowning in despair and guilt.

Your question should always be "is this in-line with God's will?" Do you think your relationship with this girl is? If not, then you know what you need to do...for both of your sakes. Above all else, though, you need to get yourself right with God and live for Him...repent truly, love God above all else, obey His word and will, trust Him alone for everything in your life. Once you've decided to live that way, to cast away things that hold you back from God, you can start really living. It won't be easy, and things may not go the way you think they should, but it's not about how you think they should go. God knows you and your needs. He will show you His will for your life, which is where true contentment lies.

[Guest Robert]

You're not eternally damned, beebert. BK1110 has solid advice here. Just return to the Lord and confess, and go from there.

[Dok]

1 John 1:9. Believe it, receive it, go on your way rejoicing. Do you love each other? Get together in a Christian assembly (church).

(Thanks, BK1110)......

 

Edited September 8, 2016 by Dok

[tigger398]

My dad one time said if your worry about it. You didn't do it.

[Beebert]

Well the thing is that I have been unrepentant so much that it is like I have injured ny consciense. I do not feel drawn to Christ I Only feel despair and wanting to be with him. He told me to repent 1.5 years ago but I was too much a coward and made up an excuse and went in to the relationship instead and now I feel so horrible and scared and like I am Only going to wait for hell. I guess that if God's will before was for me to end it with her it still is right? But I can't hear him. It is like praying to empty space... What can I do?

[Beebert]

I only get back to "I should have confessed " all the time. Regretting like Esau.

[StanJ]

@tigger398

Blaspheming the Holy Spirit means that you knowingly attribute the works of the Holy Spirit to the devil. The Pharisees came pretty close to doing this and Matthew 12:24, which is why Jesus warned them about it later in verses 31-32. From what I've read in your OP, you have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit. 

Edited September 8, 2016 by StanJ

[Beebert]

Okay... I hope that is true. Well Hope is what I must have. I know Christ is God. But it is like I am Only capable of regretting that I sinned rather than repenting you know? But I Hope it can change.

[RustyAngeL]

18 hours ago, Dok said:

1 John 1:9. Believe it, receive it, go on your way rejoicing. Do you love each other? Get together in a Christian assembly (church).

(Thanks, BK1110)......

 

I believe it.  If we confesses our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleans us from all unrighteous.  Ask for forgiveness accept His forgiveness and walk with Him.  

Blessings, RustyAngeL