storybook Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 7 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/15/2016 Status: Offline Share Posted September 17, 2016 My marriage is profoundly empty and I’m trying to find clarity on what to do. My husband and I are both in our 50’s. We met in our 30’s and dated for 9 years. I was married before but left that abusive marriage and became a single mom, one reason why we dated for so long. Our dating relationship was incredible, he was attentive, respectful, he was always there for me when I needed to talk things through and I felt like part of his life, like he had my back. We got engaged and married just over a year later. That’s when things drastically changed. I thought I knew him, but once we married and moved in together he was like a different person. As one does when they begin a life with someone you bring up conversations that need to be had, like plans for our future, how do we divide chores and of course the topic of money. Every time I initiated one of these conversations he refused to talk about them, he would leave the room or close the door in my face in the room he was in. I became so confused wondering why was he being so disrespectful and not honoring me as a wife. Where was the man I dated? As time progressed I fought to resolve this, initiating many counseling sessions which he went to but nothing would ever be resolved. It’s been 12 years, we’ve gone through at least 6 different counselors; and there’s been some clarity just recently but no significant change. Just over 6 yrs ago he withdrew so profoundly that it felt like an emotional divorce. I am living like a single person within my marriage which is so painful. He acts like he doesn’t want me in his life, and really, I don’t think I should have to fight for a spot, as his wife I should be one of his top priorities. I feel alone even when he’s in the room; he uses his computer, i-pad, phone as a constant escape. He has said he feels trapped, shared that he thought of leaving and that he feels foolish to think he could do marriage. He’s even said he thinks I should leave because he can’t give me what I want. My needs are basic – companionship, open honest communication, affection … I feel betrayed by his disengagement. Even to this day he doesn’t talk about plans for our future. I thought he was just shy and quiet when we were dating, but he’s shared that he’s insecure and has low self-esteem and he feels he can’t overcome this. When I try to talk to him now I just get this blank stare which I’ve come to realize is his way of telling me he doesn’t want to talk, occasionally he verbalizes this then plays the man-card stating guys don’t talk. I’ve been told by counselors that he is very emotionally disconnected, and his avoidance behavior is abusive and disrespectful, that I should stand up for myself and set boundaries. I have done this, but when I and say for example, “I feel disrespected when….” he reacts with feelings shame and guilt which feeds into his low self-esteem. A year ago I got a concussion; he was not there for me, showed no compassion and even told me he thought I was faking it to get time off work. Recovery was hard due to our marital stress. I have to work so hard to continually strengthen my emotional and mental health; it’s like trying to dry off while still in the shower. Any insights would be greatly appreciated. Many thx, Storybook Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BK1110 Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 22 Topic Count: 86 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 6,858 Content Per Day: 2.42 Reputation: 9,581 Days Won: 4 Joined: 07/18/2016 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/10/1986 Share Posted September 17, 2016 Is he a professing Christian? Are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
storybook Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 7 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/15/2016 Status: Offline Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 I grew up going to church, but in the past several years I've come to know that faith isn't so much about religion and going to church every Sunday, but about a relationship with God. My husband did pray to accept Jesus into his life, but it stopped there. He'll occasionally pray, saying he believes in prayer but that's where it stops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,990 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,688 Content Per Day: 11.83 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted September 17, 2016 This man was deceptive from the very beginning.He turned on you. You really did not know who he really was. Did you see any of this behavior at all while you were dating? Some men are very good at turning on the charm and being a deceptive before they have you hooked. I went through a similar experience but I was very naive and not a very good judge of character at the time. Why did he marry you? Have you ever asked him that?You are unevenly yoked as a couple.You are a Christian and he is not.If this man was a born again Christian he would not be treating you this way.God does not want you to be a human doormat. He wants you to live in love and peace. That is good that you have gone to counseling but it sounds like it is not doing you any good. This man is emotionally abusive and he is complicating your life and making it miserable.Have you noticed any narcissistic behavior in him at all? You can look here to see what that behavior is like https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist. One of your options is to get a legal separation. You could tell this man that when he wants to be the husband that God wants him to be then you will get back together. But don't be fooled by his deceptive behavior again. There are people and organizations out there to help you get legal help. You may want to start with your pastor. Your husband will have to help you financially. You need to give all of this to God and pray a lot. I will pray for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
storybook Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 7 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/15/2016 Status: Offline Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 I wouldn’t say he comes across as grandiose, perhaps somewhat self-absorbed, but he does not exhibit signs of a narcissist as stated in the website you provided. He is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and has compensated by replacing it with a highly developed false self. His communication is often object- tied and logical, discussing facts and details with little or no feeling attached. He does avoid feeling, which stems from his past – he was bullied and has told me he would stuff down his emotions, which has resulted his inability to mature emotionally and feel or express emotions in a healthy way. It’s evident that he hides behind a mask and fears being vulnerable. Perhaps I did see this tendency while dating, but viewed it as shyness rather than insecurity and his inability to think and cope with the challenges of life. I have told him I felt deceived that he didn’t share this with me, but he said he was so shut down from avoiding negative feelings that he wasn’t even really aware of this himself – hence it wasn’t forefront in his mind to share his internal struggles with me. Once we marriage I guess without realizing I challenged him in these areas which probably intensified his insecure feelings of himself. He has said he feels stuck with no way out. He only sees 2 options – stay and suffer (which would involve further avoidance behaviors) or I should leave. Our last therapist highly recommended he go for individual counseling. After a year of me prompting him to follow through on this, along with reminding him I have a free 6 session deal through my work benefits, he started going. He has 2 sessions left and it’s hard to say if he will initiate further counseling after this. I have given this to God and do pray a lot. I also talked to my pastor, but he basically said I'm to stay in my marriage because the bible and God does not believe in divorce. This is hard to hear, I was rejected by my past church when I left my first husband who was abusive, I don't feel my current church would condone a possible separation. I wish the bible was more clear on such a grey area within marriage. Thank you for your prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,990 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,688 Content Per Day: 11.83 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted September 17, 2016 14 minutes ago, storybook said: I wouldn’t say he comes across as grandiose, perhaps somewhat self-absorbed, but he does not exhibit signs of a narcissist as stated in the website you provided. He is someone who has buried his true self-expression in response to early injuries and has compensated by replacing it with a highly developed false self. His communication is often object- tied and logical, discussing facts and details with little or no feeling attached. He does avoid feeling, which stems from his past – he was bullied and has told me he would stuff down his emotions, which has resulted his inability to mature emotionally and feel or express emotions in a healthy way. It’s evident that he hides behind a mask and fears being vulnerable. Perhaps I did see this tendency while dating, but viewed it as shyness rather than insecurity and his inability to think and cope with the challenges of life. I have told him I felt deceived that he didn’t share this with me, but he said he was so shut down from avoiding negative feelings that he wasn’t even really aware of this himself – hence it wasn’t forefront in his mind to share his internal struggles with me. Once we marriage I guess without realizing I challenged him in these areas which probably intensified his insecure feelings of himself. He has said he feels stuck with no way out. He only sees 2 options – stay and suffer (which would involve further avoidance behaviors) or I should leave. Our last therapist highly recommended he go for individual counseling. After a year of me prompting him to follow through on this, along with reminding him I have a free 6 session deal through my work benefits, he started going. He has 2 sessions left and it’s hard to say if he will initiate further counseling after this. I have given this to God and do pray a lot. I also talked to my pastor, but he basically said I'm to stay in my marriage because the bible and God does not believe in divorce. This is hard to hear, I was rejected by my past church when I left my first husband who was abusive, I don't feel my current church would condone a possible separation. I wish the bible was more clear on such a grey area within marriage. Thank you for your prayers. Your pastor is wrong. You are not obligated to stay in an abusive marriage. God does not want that for you. Are you Catholic? It is your choice if you want to stay in this abusive marriage or get out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezra Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 16 Topic Count: 134 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 8,142 Content Per Day: 2.36 Reputation: 6,612 Days Won: 20 Joined: 11/02/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted September 17, 2016 Hi storybook and welcome, 21 hours ago, storybook said: Our dating relationship was incredible, he was attentive, respectful, he was always there for me when I needed to talk things through and I felt like part of his life, like he had my back. In hindsight do you this this was all an act? 21 hours ago, storybook said: Just over 6 yrs ago he withdrew so profoundly that it felt like an emotional divorce. Sorry to hear this, but looks like he has been showing his true colors in shutting you out. 21 hours ago, storybook said: He acts like he doesn’t want me in his life, and really, I don’t think I should have to fight for a spot, as his wife I should be one of his top priorities. Well, as painful as it is, perhaps you have to face up to this and move on. No you should not have to fight for a spot, and if the man is so self-centered, selfish, and insecure, you really don't want this tension in your life. Frankly, he is an idiot for treating you this way, and needs a swift kick in you know where. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
storybook Posted September 17, 2016 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 12 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 7 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/15/2016 Status: Offline Author Share Posted September 17, 2016 In hindsight I don't think is was an act, it felt honest and sincere. Yes he is showing his true colors in shutting me out, he's showing me he can't be there for me emotionally, that he has a hard time loving himself so he is unable to feel and show love in return. I still think he loves me but is unable to show it. That said, I agree with you last statement Ezra, but how will I answer to God for my actions if I move on? missmuffet said my pastor is wrong, so how can he be a teacher of God's word and go against what the bible teaches? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezra Posted September 18, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 16 Topic Count: 134 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 8,142 Content Per Day: 2.36 Reputation: 6,612 Days Won: 20 Joined: 11/02/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted September 18, 2016 2 hours ago, storybook said: That said, I agree with you last statement Ezra, but how will I answer to God for my actions if I move on? storybook, You have given this excuse for an husband 12 years of opportunities to repent and do what a husband is commanded to do. So you can face God with a clear conscience and make the rest of your life productive, positive and proactive, either by yourself, or with someone else. Please note (1 Cor 7:13): And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. So what Scripture is saying is that if the husband is pleased to live with you, you should not leave him. The corollary is that if he is NOT pleased to live with you, then you should leave him. Being miserable in your marriage won't help you in the least. As far as him not being able to give you what you want, that is so pathetic, it needs no comment. But the Lord does not expect you to cater to this nonsense. This man has a profound spiritual and emotional deficiency but you are not expected to be his therapist either. The husband is expected to be the moral and spiritual leader in the home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
petula Posted September 18, 2016 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 8 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,499 Content Per Day: 0.43 Reputation: 1,665 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/17/2014 Status: Offline Birthday: 03/31/1955 Share Posted September 18, 2016 Storybook ,I don't know what the future holds , but I trust the Lord will direct you . look , I don't know how to say this , but since praying about this , I have an ' impression ' of a very sad and lonely man , who very much wants to improve but doesn't believe he is able , he must have done some good things , have you told him you appreciate specific things that he has done , Whether you separate or not , please tell him calmly and genuinely how much you Appreciate specific things . Praying for you both Please mods if I have overstepped please remove this , Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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