I am a teenager in need of Christian advice

[AliJ]

I was raised in a Christian home and up until this point have considered myself to have strict Christian values. 

As of late, I have begun dating my first boyfriend. Before, I had no contact whatsoever with boys outside of innocent friendships. He is a pretty good guy. He too was raised in church, and often urges me to attend church more often on days when I think I'm too tired. I will admit, he is not perfect. His language slips every now and then, but I do know he has a brain in his head and Jesus in his heart.

Before I had the chance, he looked me in the eye and told me he would not have sexual relations with me until marriage. I, of course, agreed in relief immediately. We have lived up to this promise up to this point and plan to continue to do so in the future.

This is all peaches and cream until you bring my parents into this. His parents are cool with him dating me, and so is my dad, although he is nervous about his little girl having a boyfriend. They are all good with it. My mom, however, absolutely refuses to even think about the matter. She won't even meet him because she does not want him around me. When I told her he asked me out, she yelled at me about being too young to think for myself, and definitely being too young for the kind of committed relationship he was asking for. I told my boyfriend about this and he assured me he would wait until my mother allows me to date him.

When I told him that I will probably have to be a legal adult or older, he was not fazed. However, we see each other every day (we both run track and cross country) and have begun to grow closer again. He has kissed me a few times, but neither of my parents know this.

Last week, one of my girlfriends asked me to to to homecoming. She assured me that if my boyfriend asks me to go with him, we can have my mom believe that I am still going with her. Now, he asked me to go to homecoming with him. He brought me flowers, which I did not bring home (and now I am afraid to throw them away when they wilt because he will see) because I do not want my mom knowing.

Next week is homecoming. I went shopping all day with my mother for a homecoming dress. All day the guilt has been eating away at me.

I know what I am doing is wrong. I know it is wrong to disobey my parents. He reminded me today that we cannot keep sneaking around because it is wrong. But I cannot tell my mom; I am so scared of her. I know she will be angry and yell at me. (This is not an assumption because although I have never given her a reason to be that angry, my dad delivered me home at 8:30 instead of 8 [which is as late as I am allowed to stay out at high school football games and such; I was never allowed to even go to them before I played in the band] and she was very angry with me. It was snowing but she walked out on the porch and cussed me out for being home late. I tried to tell her that one of our girls at youth group was crying so as a youth leader, I was asked to pray over her with the group, but she refused to take my answer. If she was that angry when I came home late due to an overlong prayer, I am positively scared of what she will say to this.)

 The entire cross country team knows we are dating (even the other mothers!) but all of them are working together to keep our relationship a secret. If something slips and my mom finds out, she will be angry. She will be angry both ways and I know this. 

I know I cannot keep this up. I have never disobeyed and lied to my parents this way. I really need some Christian advice. I need help and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is the only Christian friend I have but I want to hear fresh opinions on this matter. Please help me, I am desperate and the guilt of not telling the whole truth is killing me.

I am also confused on what to do about the fact that my dad is okay with me dating this boy but my mother is not. (They are together, not divorced. Just a clarification.)

We are also both 15, so you can get a feel for our ages. I an a sophomore and he is a freshman.

Thank you so much in advance. God Bless

Edited September 18, 2016 by AliJ

[Omegaman 3.0]

26 minutes ago, AliJ said:

ll day the guilt has been eating away at me.

I know what I am doing is wrong. I know it is wrong to disobey my parents. He reminded me today that we cannot keep sneaking around because it is wrong.

That right there, is all you need to know. You know not to lie and not to deceive. You know to obey your parents. Even you boyfriend has told you, that what you are doing is wrong.

If you boyfriend is wise enough (and is being honest) to not be fazed by waiting until you are an adult, then take advantage of that wisdom and wait.

I think your mom is right. As hard as it is to accept, you are too young to me making these kinds of decisions. You know better, but your heart wants what it wants. Right now, it wants the thrills and the emotions and frankly, is telling you to be rebellious. Have a little self control, do what you already know is right. 

If your relationship is meant to be, it will happen if you wait. As it is, do you expect God to bless a relationship, that you want to carry on in deception, disobedience and such?

If you actually love you boyfriend (and not just in love with the ideal of being in love), then you will do what is best for him as well. The smart thing to do, is not even but yourself in a situation that could eventually lead to temptation. Many are those who thought they could resist, and many are those who found out otherwise.

[Shayha]

Oh gosh. I can relate. :/ I think Omegaman's advice is truly the best in this case. Focus on being good friends for now and wait. If it is meant to be, it will happen as God intends in His time. I know it's hard, believe me. But right now, it's important to develop that friendship part until it is rock solid and focus right now on the current stage of your life and what God has for it now. It's possible this boy is the one God intends for you, but you will only know that when it comes in God's time, when He decides it should happen. You don't want to rush things like this, especially at your age. Be patient. Pray about it always. God will give you the answer in due time. In the meantime, read His word and follow it.

[Jayne]

17 hours ago, AliJ said:

[1.]  I was raised in a Christian home and up until this point have considered myself to have strict Christian values. 

[2.]  Before I had the chance, he looked me in the eye and told me he would not have sexual relations with me until marriage. I, of course, agreed in relief immediately. We have lived up to this promise up to this point and plan to continue to do so in the future.

[3.] When I told her he asked me out, she yelled at me about being too young to think for myself, and definitely being too young for the kind of committed relationship he was asking for. I told my boyfriend about this and he assured me he would wait until my mother allows me to date him.

[4.]  All day the guilt has been eating away at me.   I know what I am doing is wrong. I know it is wrong to disobey my parents. He reminded me today that we cannot keep sneaking around because it is wrong.

[5.]  It was snowing but she walked out on the porch and cussed me out for being home late. I tried to tell her that one of our girls at youth group was crying so as a youth leader, I was asked to pray over her with the group, but she refused to take my answer. If she was that angry when I came home late due to an overlong prayer, I am positively scared of what she will say to this.)

[6.]  The entire cross country team knows we are dating (even the other mothers!) but all of them are working together to keep our relationship a secret. If something slips and my mom finds out, she will be angry. She will be angry both ways and I know this. 

[7.]  I really need some Christian advice. I need help and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is the only Christian friend I have but I want to hear fresh opinions on this matter. Please help me, I am desperate and the guilt of not telling the whole truth is killing me.

Hi, AliJ -

I taught girls around your age for over thirty years.  Plus, I used to BE 15 years old and my heart was all a-flitter-flutter over a boy who loved me too ..... let's see, what WAS his name?  Oh, yes.  It was Darin something-or-other.  Or did he have two r's in his name.    I'm not making fun of you, sweetie, I just want you to know that we old heads have been where you are and we really do remember.

I've numbered the parts of your post I am responding to make it easier for me to keeps my thoughts together.

[1.]  You still seem to have Christian values - strict or otherwise.  But sometimes, "strict Christian values" go flying out the window when tested.  It isn't the values that keep you safe - it's the relationship with Christ who gave you the standard of living that keeps you safe.  Don't depend on a strict upbringing.  Sometimes those who are raised the most strict are the first ones to be led astray because they are focusing too hard on the "rule" and not Christ.

 

[2.]  Your boyfriend is in the ninth grade and he is already talking marriage to you?  It's just September.  He's got all of 9th grade, all of 10th grade, all of 11th grade, and all of 12th grade at a MINIMUM before he can talk to anybody about marriage.  Little sister, he just graduated from middle school!  Think on that.

 

[3.] Your mother is wrong on one point.  You are not too young to think for yourself - that's your problem.  You are NOT thinking for yourself, but are letting your gal friend do the thinking for you.  She dragged you into this and don't you DARE believe that this boy didn't know about this before she even told you.  He was in on it.  Do you really think he just up and decided out of the blue to ask you to homecoming knowing that you would have to say no because of your mother?  He and this girl planned this.  Please take my word for that.  But your mother is right about one thing.  You are too young to make these kinds of decision about this type of serious relationship.  You have all of 10th grade, all of 11th grade, and all of 12th grade to go.  Enjoy school.  Enjoy friends.

 

[4.]  At least you can see that what you are doing is wrong.  Let's talk it out:  Hiding something huge from your mother [lying by omission; breaking a commandment], allowing your friend to talk you into lying to your mother [spiritual immaturity], and disobeying your mother [breaking another commandment].  No wonder you are feeling so bad.

 

[5.]  Your mothers curses at you?  Is she a Christian?  And yes, prayer or no prayer for your friend, you should have been home on time.  Or - get your youth director to have called your mother and explained why you would be a little late.  But just showing up late?  Not a wise idea.

 

[6.] This is what disturbs me the most.  Something IS going to slip.  Listen to me - if all of these mothers and the cross country team know about this romance - Something.Is.Going.To.Slip!  People can't keep secrets and why these mothers are doing this for you is beyond me.  If I were your mother and I found out that my daughter was hiding something and her classmates and their parents were hiding it too, I would be beyond livid.  These mothers are not doing you a favor.

 

[7.]  Your only hope of getting your mother to be flexible on your having a simple and non-intense relationship - which means NOT being together all the time and certainly not with him driving a car to pick you up for an event when he is only in the 9th grade - is to come clean and tell her everything.  And when she calms down and that may take a while ..... get her and your dad together and ask them to sit down and talk to you about this rationally.  Invite your pastor if you have to.  Let them set some ground rules and obey them.  Anything other than that is sneaking around.

[missmuffet]

20 hours ago, AliJ said:

I was raised in a Christian home and up until this point have considered myself to have strict Christian values. 

As of late, I have begun dating my first boyfriend. Before, I had no contact whatsoever with boys outside of innocent friendships. He is a pretty good guy. He too was raised in church, and often urges me to attend church more often on days when I think I'm too tired. I will admit, he is not perfect. His language slips every now and then, but I do know he has a brain in his head and Jesus in his heart.

Before I had the chance, he looked me in the eye and told me he would not have sexual relations with me until marriage. I, of course, agreed in relief immediately. We have lived up to this promise up to this point and plan to continue to do so in the future.

This is all peaches and cream until you bring my parents into this. His parents are cool with him dating me, and so is my dad, although he is nervous about his little girl having a boyfriend. They are all good with it. My mom, however, absolutely refuses to even think about the matter. She won't even meet him because she does not want him around me. When I told her he asked me out, she yelled at me about being too young to think for myself, and definitely being too young for the kind of committed relationship he was asking for. I told my boyfriend about this and he assured me he would wait until my mother allows me to date him.

When I told him that I will probably have to be a legal adult or older, he was not fazed. However, we see each other every day (we both run track and cross country) and have begun to grow closer again. He has kissed me a few times, but neither of my parents know this.

Last week, one of my girlfriends asked me to to to homecoming. She assured me that if my boyfriend asks me to go with him, we can have my mom believe that I am still going with her. Now, he asked me to go to homecoming with him. He brought me flowers, which I did not bring home (and now I am afraid to throw them away when they wilt because he will see) because I do not want my mom knowing.

Next week is homecoming. I went shopping all day with my mother for a homecoming dress. All day the guilt has been eating away at me.

I know what I am doing is wrong. I know it is wrong to disobey my parents. He reminded me today that we cannot keep sneaking around because it is wrong. But I cannot tell my mom; I am so scared of her. I know she will be angry and yell at me. (This is not an assumption because although I have never given her a reason to be that angry, my dad delivered me home at 8:30 instead of 8 [which is as late as I am allowed to stay out at high school football games and such; I was never allowed to even go to them before I played in the band] and she was very angry with me. It was snowing but she walked out on the porch and cussed me out for being home late. I tried to tell her that one of our girls at youth group was crying so as a youth leader, I was asked to pray over her with the group, but she refused to take my answer. If she was that angry when I came home late due to an overlong prayer, I am positively scared of what she will say to this.)

 The entire cross country team knows we are dating (even the other mothers!) but all of them are working together to keep our relationship a secret. If something slips and my mom finds out, she will be angry. She will be angry both ways and I know this. 

I know I cannot keep this up. I have never disobeyed and lied to my parents this way. I really need some Christian advice. I need help and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is the only Christian friend I have but I want to hear fresh opinions on this matter. Please help me, I am desperate and the guilt of not telling the whole truth is killing me.

I am also confused on what to do about the fact that my dad is okay with me dating this boy but my mother is not. (They are together, not divorced. Just a clarification.)

We are also both 15, so you can get a feel for our ages. I an a sophomore and he is a freshman.

Thank you so much in advance. God Bless

Is your mother controlling?She has a temper? Sneaking around is never a good thing. Why are you so scared of your mom? You said that you were raised in a Christian home? I am not impressed by the fact that you said " she cussed me out". That is not the kind of Christian behavior to display in a family. I think you need to bring your mother and your father together and tell them exactly what you think about this whole issue. Could you do that? You are both still very young but it sounds like you are making good Christian choices. You and your boyfriend need to take this whole situation to God with much prayer.

[RustyAngeL]

23 hours ago, AliJ said:

I was raised in a Christian home and up until this point have considered myself to have strict Christian values. 

As of late, I have begun dating my first boyfriend. Before, I had no contact whatsoever with boys outside of innocent friendships. He is a pretty good guy. He too was raised in church, and often urges me to attend church more often on days when I think I'm too tired. I will admit, he is not perfect. His language slips every now and then, but I do know he has a brain in his head and Jesus in his heart.

Before I had the chance, he looked me in the eye and told me he would not have sexual relations with me until marriage. I, of course, agreed in relief immediately. We have lived up to this promise up to this point and plan to continue to do so in the future.

This is all peaches and cream until you bring my parents into this. His parents are cool with him dating me, and so is my dad, although he is nervous about his little girl having a boyfriend. They are all good with it. My mom, however, absolutely refuses to even think about the matter. She won't even meet him because she does not want him around me. When I told her he asked me out, she yelled at me about being too young to think for myself, and definitely being too young for the kind of committed relationship he was asking for. I told my boyfriend about this and he assured me he would wait until my mother allows me to date him.

When I told him that I will probably have to be a legal adult or older, he was not fazed. However, we see each other every day (we both run track and cross country) and have begun to grow closer again. He has kissed me a few times, but neither of my parents know this.

Last week, one of my girlfriends asked me to to to homecoming. She assured me that if my boyfriend asks me to go with him, we can have my mom believe that I am still going with her. Now, he asked me to go to homecoming with him. He brought me flowers, which I did not bring home (and now I am afraid to throw them away when they wilt because he will see) because I do not want my mom knowing.

Next week is homecoming. I went shopping all day with my mother for a homecoming dress. All day the guilt has been eating away at me.

I know what I am doing is wrong. I know it is wrong to disobey my parents. He reminded me today that we cannot keep sneaking around because it is wrong. But I cannot tell my mom; I am so scared of her. I know she will be angry and yell at me. (This is not an assumption because although I have never given her a reason to be that angry, my dad delivered me home at 8:30 instead of 8 [which is as late as I am allowed to stay out at high school football games and such; I was never allowed to even go to them before I played in the band] and she was very angry with me. It was snowing but she walked out on the porch and cussed me out for being home late. I tried to tell her that one of our girls at youth group was crying so as a youth leader, I was asked to pray over her with the group, but she refused to take my answer. If she was that angry when I came home late due to an overlong prayer, I am positively scared of what she will say to this.)

 The entire cross country team knows we are dating (even the other mothers!) but all of them are working together to keep our relationship a secret. If something slips and my mom finds out, she will be angry. She will be angry both ways and I know this. 

I know I cannot keep this up. I have never disobeyed and lied to my parents this way. I really need some Christian advice. I need help and I don't know what to do. My boyfriend is the only Christian friend I have but I want to hear fresh opinions on this matter. Please help me, I am desperate and the guilt of not telling the whole truth is killing me.

I am also confused on what to do about the fact that my dad is okay with me dating this boy but my mother is not. (They are together, not divorced. Just a clarification.)

We are also both 15, so you can get a feel for our ages. I an a sophomore and he is a freshman.

Thank you so much in advance. God Bless

You are far to young to be thinking of anything serious and disobeying your parents is not or should not be an option.  

The Bible is clear that you are to honor your parents and the fact that you feel guilty about what you are doing tells me you are trying to honor them.

I you said both you are Christians, what do you think Jesus would want you to do, and is this something you would try and hide from Him?

[GoodFruit]

On 9/17/2016 at 9:03 PM, AliJ said:

I am also confused on what to do about the fact that my dad is okay with me dating this boy but my mother is not. (They are together, not divorced. Just a clarification.)
 

Okay, I noticed that everyone seems to be defending your mother.  So I'm probably not going to win any brownie points with the women on the forum but I see a bigger problem with the fact that your mother is stepping out of bounds and not allowing your father to have a say in this.  By the Word of God, your father is the head of the household not your mother.  I certainly would not lie or keep any secrets from either of your parents; however you really should be first speaking to your father about this situation and also having your boyfriend ask him for permission to court you.  He needs to discuss this with your mother but his word should ultimately be the final say if you come from a truly Christian home.

¹⁶ To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.”  Gen.3:16

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.   Eph. 5:22-24

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  Col. 3:18

⁴ that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵ to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.  Titus 2:4-5

3 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.  ⁵ For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, ⁷ Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.  1 Peter 5:3, 5, 7

 

 

[missmuffet]

8 minutes ago, GoodFruit said:

Okay, I noticed that everyone seems to be defending your mother.  So I'm probably not going to win any brownie points with the women on the forum but I see a bigger problem with the fact that your mother is stepping out of bounds and not allowing your father to have a say in this.  By the Word of God, your father is the head of the household not your mother.  I certainly would not lie or keep any secrets from either of your parents; however you really should be first speaking to your father about this situation and also having your boyfriend ask him for permission to court you.  He needs to discuss this with your mother but his word should ultimately be the final say if you come from a truly Christian home.

¹⁶ To the woman He said: “I will greatly multiply your sorrow and your conception; In pain you shall bring forth children; Your desire shall be for your husband, And he shall rule over you.”  Gen.3:16

²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.   Eph. 5:22-24

¹⁸ Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.  Col. 3:18

⁴ that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵ to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.  Titus 2:4-5

3 Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.  ⁵ For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, ⁷ Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.  1 Peter 5:3, 5, 7

 

 

Wait a minute...I did not defend the mother

[RustyAngeL]

6 hours ago, missmuffet said:

Is your mother controlling?She has a temper? Sneaking around is never a good thing. Why are you so scared of your mom? You said that you were raised in a Christian home? I am not impressed by the fact that you said " she cussed me out". That is not the kind of Christian behavior to display in a family. I think you need to bring your mother and your father together and tell them exactly what you think about this whole issue. Could you do that? You are both still very young but it sounds like you are making good Christian choices. You and your boyfriend need to take this whole situation to God with much prayer.

I'm sorry I'll say it again.  These two are only 15 far to young to even think of getting serious.  Where are the parents of both of these kids.  Are you kidding? 

[missmuffet]

2 hours ago, RustyAngeL said:

I'm sorry I'll say it again.  These two are only 15 far to young to even think of getting serious.  Where are the parents of both of these kids.  Are you kidding? 

In today's world kids date at 15. It is not like when we were growing up. I have heard of kids dating at 12 and 13. The mother is too strict. She is going to drive her daughter away. As a parent in today's world you need to pick your battles. Yes, set limits and have appropriate rules but being too controlling and too strict is not a good thing. Also a teenager should be able to go to the parents and tell them everything that is going on in their life and what is bothering them. They need to keep the line of communication open not closed. A daughter should not be "afraid" of her mother.

Rusty,have you ever had children?