What do you do when the emotions don't heal?

[Just_Krissy]

People are so tired of me not being able to be happy again after my husband (soon to be ex) victimized my kids and went to prison for a long time.   I did all the right things then... turned him in, got us out of homelessness, pulled myself into working, got the kids in some therapy (they need more, but I'm out of time in our schedules.)... bought us a trailer home so it would be affordable living...

And now, it's 18 months later and I'm worse than ever.   I see my life as completely spent with no hope for the future.    Almost 39, overweight, never been pretty or well liked, lost all my friends that were from my old life, work all the time, clean all the time, take care of kids all the time, bills, house issues, car issues, errands, homework, health issues, etc.... 

Every day is the same... day in, day out.    There is very little of my life I can enjoy.   I mean, I'm thankful I have a job that I can handle.   I'm thankful that I managed to get us some kind of housing that isn't horrible.  I'm thankful my kids are getting better slowly.   I'm thankful they are around.

But I miss wife-hood.   I miss being in the passenger seat on long rides instead of the only adult in the car.   I miss giving my heart and my emotions to my spouse.   I miss contented times watching a movie and my feet casually propped on some one's lap.    My love language is touch and time.   I have no one to give me these things.   I mean, I hug my kids and spend time with them, but that is me ministering to them.    I know God is supposed to be enough for me, but at the same time, He is the one that created us man and woman and designed the desire in me to be a helpmate and wife.   I'm really lonely, and that's not something that God is answering me about.   I really want hugs and tender touches to tell me everything is going to be OK.   I want some one to encourage me and hold me.   This is the most devastating thing I've been through in my life and the very person I would have turned to and cried in their arms is the monster who abused us.   There is no one else to get comfort from.   I'm not getting it from the Holy Spirit ((I'm sure this is where folks interject that I must be blocking the spirit and be closed to His comfort.))

When I'm at church, I'm very social.   I laugh and joke and visit with many of the older folk and the ladies.   People keep telling me how wonderful I'm doing and how proud they are.  However, I can't worship anymore.   I can't answer personal questions about how I'm doing.  I can easily still fall to a million pieces or run and hide for a while in a quiet room because inside, I still picture walking in front of a bus, driving into an oncoming train, jumping off bridges, and seeing what it would be like to start cutting.   I know I wont, because I don't have a choice.   I have children.   I don't resent them... but I do feel like I don't have options or choices.   I simply MUST continue and I think I do resent that.   It's like a person with a horrible, debilitating, painful, fatal disease.  I think some of them get to the point where all they want is some kind of end to their pain.   But I don't have that option.   I HAVE to keep living whether I want to or not.

There is no help, no counselling, no medicines, nothing that I can get to help me.   The real decision is in my heart.   Can I accept this life I now live and stop dwelling in this self pity and self loathing I'm wrapped up in, or can I not?   Can I be content and trust God and be OK with this new life, or will I always see him now as a bully that squashes us like stepping on ants?   It's a plumb line.    A final choice...  acceptance of my lot in life or the desire to rise up against what I've always believed in and live a little.

This constant loneliness, it's eating at me.   I am awake right now, wishing I had some one to cuddle... to talk to... to watch tv with... to tell about my day.   Some one that would listen to me talk about the kids, the home, the church, the neighbors... my dreams... 

There's no one.   And there are probably not any dreams left to share anyway.

 

[missmuffet]

25 minutes ago, Just_Krissy said:

People are so tired of me not being able to be happy again after my husband (soon to be ex) victimized my kids and went to prison for a long time.   I did all the right things then... turned him in, got us out of homelessness, pulled myself into working, got the kids in some therapy (they need more, but I'm out of time in our schedules.)... bought us a trailer home so it would be affordable living...

And now, it's 18 months later and I'm worse than ever.   I see my life as completely spent with no hope for the future.    Almost 39, overweight, never been pretty or well liked, lost all my friends that were from my old life, work all the time, clean all the time, take care of kids all the time, bills, house issues, car issues, errands, homework, health issues, etc.... 

Every day is the same... day in, day out.    There is very little of my life I can enjoy.   I mean, I'm thankful I have a job that I can handle.   I'm thankful that I managed to get us some kind of housing that isn't horrible.  I'm thankful my kids are getting better slowly.   I'm thankful they are around.

But I miss wife-hood.   I miss being in the passenger seat on long rides instead of the only adult in the car.   I miss giving my heart and my emotions to my spouse.   I miss contented times watching a movie and my feet casually propped on some one's lap.    My love language is touch and time.   I have no one to give me these things.   I mean, I hug my kids and spend time with them, but that is me ministering to them.    I know God is supposed to be enough for me, but at the same time, He is the one that created us man and woman and designed the desire in me to be a helpmate and wife.   I'm really lonely, and that's not something that God is answering me about.   I really want hugs and tender touches to tell me everything is going to be OK.   I want some one to encourage me and hold me.   This is the most devastating thing I've been through in my life and the very person I would have turned to and cried in their arms is the monster who abused us.   There is no one else to get comfort from.   I'm not getting it from the Holy Spirit ((I'm sure this is where folks interject that I must be blocking the spirit and be closed to His comfort.))

When I'm at church, I'm very social.   I laugh and joke and visit with many of the older folk and the ladies.   People keep telling me how wonderful I'm doing and how proud they are.  However, I can't worship anymore.   I can't answer personal questions about how I'm doing.  I can easily still fall to a million pieces or run and hide for a while in a quiet room because inside, I still picture walking in front of a bus, driving into an oncoming train, jumping off bridges, and seeing what it would be like to start cutting.   I know I wont, because I don't have a choice.   I have children.   I don't resent them... but I do feel like I don't have options or choices.   I simply MUST continue and I think I do resent that.   It's like a person with a horrible, debilitating, painful, fatal disease.  I think some of them get to the point where all they want is some kind of end to their pain.   But I don't have that option.   I HAVE to keep living whether I want to or not.

There is no help, no counselling, no medicines, nothing that I can get to help me.   The real decision is in my heart.   Can I accept this life I now live and stop dwelling in this self pity and self loathing I'm wrapped up in, or can I not?   Can I be content and trust God and be OK with this new life, or will I always see him now as a bully that squashes us like stepping on ants?   It's a plumb line.    A final choice...  acceptance of my lot in life or the desire to rise up against what I've always believed in and live a little.

This constant loneliness, it's eating at me.   I am awake right now, wishing I had some one to cuddle... to talk to... to watch tv with... to tell about my day.   Some one that would listen to me talk about the kids, the home, the church, the neighbors... my dreams... 

There's no one.   And there are probably not any dreams left to share anyway.

 

Who really got you out of homeless,got you a job and provided you with shelter? You or God? Have you given your life and this situation you are in to God? Do you pray continuously about it? You need to be counting your blessings for what God has provided for you and your children. You need to be content with what God has given you. You need to be a Godly parent to your children. They have been through a very difficult time. Put them first in your life not yourself. Then you need to ask Jesus Christ into your life and thank Him for everything He has done for you instead of being on a pity trip. Pray....pray...pray.

[Just_Krissy]

I realize  Just because Christ is in our life doesn't mean we aren't going to suddenly find our lives in desperate crisis.   It rains on the just and the unjust.     How many biblical stories had the heroes of the bible crying, questioning God, even wishing they were dead?   I am supposed to be greater than them and not break down or have a hard time?   Hannah wept before the Lord and people accused her of being drunk.   Yet, she was not drunk and the Lord listened to her.   I don't think that I'm sinning because I'm deeply hurting.   However, I wonder if the people who scoffed at Hannah were doing the right thing?   

I AM putting my kids first.  Every single moment they are awake, I'm putting them first.   I'm putting them first by just being alive, by going to work every day, coming home trying to do the best for them, trying to raise them right despite the position we are in.   I too  feel sorry for my kids, but because of what their father did to us.   I'm not the one at fault, I'm trying to recover as much as they are.   I have no future left, but i'm busting my tail so they feel like they have one.    I do nothing but work, chores, kids, juggle their schedules.   I have no help with these things.  There is no helpmate for me.  

I did the right thing.    I was in a long term committed marrige, I was a good wife and mother, I obeyed the Lord.   You aren't going to tear me down further by making me feel that this is my fault.   I absolutely refuse to carry guilt for what he did to us.   The moment my child told me, I removed the kids from the home and had him arrested.   I full force flung myself into helping the investigators and doing everything I humanly could to protect my kids from what was going on around them.   This post isn't about the kids, because I'm doing all i can for them.   This post is about me, because I'm broken inside and hurting and need some help for me or else I'm going to hit a place where I can't do it anymore. 

  

[Guest Robert]

3 minutes ago, Just_Krissy said:

I realize  Just because Christ is in our life doesn't mean we aren't going to suddenly find our lives in desperate crisis.   It rains on the just and the unjust.     How many biblical stories had the heroes of the bible crying, questioning God, even wishing they were dead?   I am supposed to be greater than them and not break down or have a hard time?   Hannah wept before the Lord and people accused her of being drunk.   Yet, she was not drunk and the Lord listened to her.   I don't think that I'm sinning because I'm deeply hurting.   However, I wonder if the people who scoffed at Hannah were doing the right thing?   

I AM putting my kids first.  Every single moment they are awake, I'm putting them first.   I'm putting them first by just being alive, by going to work every day, coming home trying to do the best for them, trying to raise them right despite the position we are in.   I too  feel sorry for my kids, but because of what their father did to us.   I'm not the one at fault, I'm trying to recover as much as they are.   I have no future left, but i'm busting my tail so they feel like they have one.    I do nothing but work, chores, kids, juggle their schedules.   I have no help with these things.  There is no helpmate for me.  

I did the right thing.    I was in a long term committed marrige, I was a good wife and mother, I obeyed the Lord.   You aren't going to tear me down further by making me feel that this is my fault.   I absolutely refuse to carry guilt for what he did to us.   The moment my child told me, I removed the kids from the home and had him arrested.   I full force flung myself into helping the investigators and doing everything I humanly could to protect my kids from what was going on around them.   This post isn't about the kids, because I'm doing all i can for them.   This post is about me, because I'm broken inside and hurting and need some help for me or else I'm going to hit a place where I can't do it anymore. 

  

No one here is claiming that this was your fault Krissy; but how you react to this now is up to you.

As for "heroes of the Bible crying, wishing they were dead": Abel, Joseph (Jacob's son), Moses, Elijah, Job, Jonah, David, John the Baptist, they all had points where they wondered about all the grief, pain and hurt and cried out to God. The fact of the matter is that in the walk of a Christian, we are going to get hurt at times by the sins of others. We were warned in Scripture that we would be tested, tried and often hurt for our faith. And it's not something I say lightly or insipidly: as I sit here, my own body is broken due to the evil of one who was supposed to be family and I feel every pain and misshapen part that resulted from his fists and the weapon he used on me.

That said, they never blamed God or demanded better. They knew that they may have to stand for their faith in difficult, almost impossible times. And many times for them, it did not end well. Moses didn't see the Holy Land, Abel was outright murdered, the prophet Zechariah was brutally slain in the temple, and Stephen was stoned to death for his faith. They all did what was right, but got the "short end of the stick".

So let me ask you: do you feel somehow that this was God's fault? That He "could have/ should have some something" but did not? You said you have no future now; was there a future you were looking to here?

Here's the thing: WE ARE IN A WAR.  And this is a war with a vicious enemy that not only wants us dead, but wants our faith shattered irreparably. And in this war, we are often going to be asked by the Lord to "stand in the breach" when it comes to sin and wickedness, and yes, it will hurt. It will drive us to our knees and leave us spiritually and emotionally bruised, bloodied and battered. We are "deep behind enemy lines", and a lot of folks are not prepared for what we are going to encounter: when Paul said to "take up the Armor of God" in Ephesians 6, it wasn't for show or parade. It was to do battle:

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints, and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in the opening of my mouth, to make known with boldness the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains; that in proclaiming it I may speak boldly, as I ought to speak." (Ephesians 6:11-20, NASB, emphasis mine)

One thing I will strongly suggest you do when you go to the Lord in prayer is to ask Him what He wants from you at this point, and wait for Him to answer. All of us (myself included) can get to where we are asking the Lord for things constantly; but are we asking Him for His will? Not just generally, but is there something He is asking of us to do?

Meantime, I will pray for you and your family Krissy. I knwo the pain of a shattered family.

[Holly Hobbie]

I pmed you

[kwikphilly]

Blessings Krissy...

Quote

Thre is no help, no counselling, no medicines, nothing that I can get to help me.   The real decision is in my heart.   Can I accept this life I now live and stop dwelling in this self pity and self loathing I'm wrapped up in, or can I not?   Can I be content and trust God and be OK with this new life, or will I always see him now as a bully that squashes us like stepping on ants?   It's a plumb line.    A final choice...  acceptance of my lot in life or the desire to rise up against what I've always believed in and live a little.

This constant loneliness, it's eating at me.   I am awake right now, wishing I had some one to cuddle... to talk to... to watch tv with... to tell about my day.   Some one that would listen to me talk about the kids, the home, the church, the neighbors... my dreams... 

No Krissy,you're right ,there is NOTHING that can help  but there is SOMEONE,,,,,you already know that & as you said yourself,"It is a choice"......Krissy ,you said it dear Sister "The desire to rise UP again" & I believe you do know how to do that & yet you still are not really willing to "let go"    I understand ,really I do,,,,you know a bit about me from our little talk and you do know I can relate to your circumstance.....not so much your position but yes,your situation.....the POSITION you need to partake of is the ONE Christ afforded us by paying our debt.....we are not defeated,we ARE Victorious!!!!

  It all begins when you are willing to accept the fact that life is different now,you are simply headed down a different path in your  Journey but you are a still on that SAME Journey WITH Jesus.......you can see the glass half full or half empty,look how much you have accomplished so far!!!! praise Jesus!!!! It is just Amazing how you have been made Strong in your weakest moments.....because you can do ALL things in Christ Who Strengthens you ......If you did not have Him(even though you don't even realize at times)you would have fallen flat on your face....but you never did because He that is in you is GREATER than He Who is in the world

   Sure you miss being a wife,a stay at home Mom,a teacher & all those things but right now things are different & you just have to live each day with GREAT EXPECTATION for what is yet to come,Trusting God & not focusing on the stuff you miss,dwelling in yesterday you cannot move forward,you're STUCK!!!!! Krissy,our HOPE remains in Christ,the enemy comes vto steal ,kill & destroy.....he is stealing your HOPE,killing your JOY which will eventually destroy your Relationship in Christ Jesus...you must put on the Full Armor of God & with ALL Authority & Power of Holy Spirit STAND Firm in y8our FAITH,on your Position of Victory!!!!!It is like being very high up on a ladder,you look down & it was nice & safe on the ground but you were on your way up(at the top is truly wonderful) but you got frightened because the ladder started to shake so you9 are holding on to that rung for dear life!!!!!!!YIKES!!!!So now what? Well,your stuck because you don't trust the ladder & you stability is gone ,everything is real shakey & all you can think of is how you wish you were back on the ground......Krissy,in order to move up again you have to let go of that rung,stop looking down & look up...reach for the next rung,the ladder is secure,lit is anchored firmly(our Faith).........

  Renew your mind dear one & pray ,the HELPER will surely Help you to renew your mind .....but what are you going to fill your mind with,,,,,worry,anguish,self,anxiety,disgust or Gods Word?Fix your eyes on Jesus(He is at the Top of the Ladder holding it,the Ladder is your Journey,circumstances,situation,life.......get on with it & get off of it,get to your destination,there are GREAT things awaiting you & your kids,the past is history & it is time to Live a Life More Abundant,no man can give you that.....a life Filled with Peace,Joy,Comfort and the Grace & Favor of God with Bountiful Blessings!

                                                                                                                      With love-in Christ,Kwik

 

[HisFirst]

Hi JK,

So much good advice here ?

I just want to tell you that you are going through "grief", loss at something you once had - thats normal after a split - so many women before you have endured this? plz understand that it will pass eventhough you think it wont.

Your main focus now are your kids (and I know you know that). Your time for physical comfort etc will come later, but right now, put yourself on the backburner and step up and bat for your kids. If theres any major time they need someone, that time is now. Being a single mum is hard, its lonely but the benefits of hanging in there for your precious kids are massive. You will see it in time to come - trust me, it will come?

Edited October 3, 2016 by HisFirst

[markdohle]

The fact that you are doing all that you do seems to point to a great deal of inner strength aided by grace.  18 months is not a very long time so you are still in deep mourning.  For all practical purposes your husband died and you were left alone.....yet look at all you have done.  Your children are so lucky to have you there for them.  It is obvious that you are a good mother.

Grace works in ways that we do not see or understand.  The Lord sees your depths, your pain and is walking with you and suffering with you.  You are more than above average, you are a warrior of God who is fighting the good fight, running the race. 

All you have is 'today', it is always 'today', live it, get through it, pray it and trust in God which is a choice, albeit a hard one. 

Peace
Mark

 

[enoob57]

It is the way of things here to vanish into despair ... to be overcome with broken dreams... to have less when we want more...

John 8:36
36 If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.
KJV
What I am about to say to you will make no sense if your are reasoning from the flesh_ ! _ This freedom is to be released from the desires of this life and to pickup the desire of the eternal life and live it as though this life is passed already. In this place the desire of the flesh is more nuisance then anything and the consuming interest is what God places in the new beating heart for His Glory alone... in this place we have limitless bounds of strength to enjoy 'The Life' 'The Way' 'The Truth' in selfless fashion of unbounded potentials... Your body, your looks, your situation is only a means by which you go to the Lord and say I desire my life to become Your Life in an eternal purpose for Your Glory.... prayed... Love, Steven

[Churchmouse]

There is power in forgiveness and I think the first person you need to forgive is yourself. The Devil uses guilt as a chain around our necks to pull us away from God.

I know that you have probably have run the Idea that you should have known about this or should have seen signs of this, over and over in your head, but you loved and trusted the man you married and he was not that man. He wasn't even a man, because no man could ever abuse children, especially his own. The person you married had his own demons to deal with and choose not to deal with them. This is not your fault. You are not a bad parent for this happening and you are not unlovable because of it, but as I read your initial post you describe yourself from the outside instead of the inside.

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Almost 39, overweight, never been pretty or well liked,

You are concentrating on the wrong things here, for only mankind uses these attributes as a state of being. God does not and if you concentrate on these things, this will be who you are, because this will all you will see. You need to look to God and throw all these things, including your sense of self in his hands.

Your past life is gone. Striped away by an ungodly man who cared nothing for anyone except himself and I think he gave you a comfort zone to keep you occupied while he went about his own desires. This is not something that we can punish ourselves with or dream we could have made better. We can't and it is up to you, who you place the burden of recreating you and your children's lives. You are not alone, but you can choose to be alone as I once was. I think we all thought we were at one time, but the operative word in that entire sentence is, "We thought" Emphasis on we.

This is the most powerless place we can be in and when we place ourselves here, we are vulnerable, because we place ourselves outside of God's protection, but not out of God's love. He loves all of us and he knows the anguish that you are going through. He wants to help. He wants to take the burden off of your shoulder and carry you and your lovely family into a new era in your life, but you have to let go of the baggage you carry from the emotional fallout of what happened and pass it on to someone more capable of shouldering it and that is God. He is your comfort zone now!