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Advice on Marrying against Parents' Will

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My boyfriend and I are Christian and love each other very much. We would like to get married, however there is one big problem. His parents, who are also Christian, do not approve of our relationship. They haven't met me yet, and they refuse to meet me because my parents are not Christian. In their eyes, my boyfriend shouldn't marry someone whose parents are not Christian as they may have an unchristian influence on our home or in our children's lives. We have already talked about how we would raise our kids in a Christian home using Christian principles. My boyfriend and I are really struggling with this. We believe that children should obey and honor their parents, even through we are both adults. And without their blessings he doesn't feel like he can or should marry me.

What should we do? Is it unchristian to choose your own husband/wife or to marry without parents' blessings? Please advise. We want to follow the Christian path. We're both praying about this, but need advice.

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If God wills you and he to be married, have faith that He will provide a way. To judge you based on your parents is unfairly harsh in my opinion; many titans of the faith have come from unChristian backgrounds, after all.

Your boyfriend should, without becoming disrespectful, probably insist that they at least meet you and judge you on who you are and how you follow Christ.

I would also suggest you look up Voddie Baucham's series on marriage on Youtube and watch the whole thing with your boyfriend. If, after that, you're both still convinced that you are right for each other and are both ready for a Bible-based, God-centered marriage with each other, you can then have more confidence in pursuing his parent's approval. If they still won't budge, you might seek the advice and help of the elders and leaders at the church they attend. I'd also advise you to attend that church as well, assuming it is a good one.

God bless, praying for you!

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You would have to isolate your future children from a lot of people for them to not be influenced from "unChristian" people.  Christians aren't perfect and sorry to say this but there are also "Christian snobs". Not saying your future in-laws are but some well meaning Christions can just go beyond and too far.

Having said all that, it's best to have your parents blessing 100%, But... If you are both committed Christians, love each other, are committed to each other and want to serve God, I can't see why you guys shouldn't wed. Keep praying, be respectful, lovingly firm and as this must be tearing your fiancé apart, pray for him of course.

hope this was helpful🌸

 

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Praying for you & your boyfriend in this situation. I also feel it is a bit harsh that they are against this on the basis that your parents aren't Christians. Maybe we should approach this matter from the stand point of leading your parents to the Lord - what would be better than that! :)

Have you witnessed to your parents? Is there a specific reason that they choose not to believe?

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You are both adults.  You are both Christians.  While both families will be involved, if you are sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are supposed to be together, get married.  Yes you are to honor your mother and your father, however this is trying to run your life.  I don't agree with that.

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On 10/6/2016 at 11:29 AM, saved08 said:

And without their blessings he doesn't feel like he can or should marry me.

Hello saved08 and Welcome.

Since his parents are being unreasonable, and since you both are probably not minors (or teenagers), this is a test of your boyfriend's love for you. Scripture is very clear about what he should do (Genesis 2:24):

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

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52 minutes ago, Ezra said:

Hello saved08 and Welcome.

Since his parents are being unreasonable, and since you both are probably not minors (or teenagers), this is a test of your boyfriend's love for you. Scripture is very clear about what he should do (Genesis 2:24):

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Amen!

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On 10/6/2016 at 10:29 AM, saved08 said:

My boyfriend and I are Christian and love each other very much. We would like to get married, however there is one big problem. His parents, who are also Christian, do not approve of our relationship. They haven't met me yet, and they refuse to meet me because my parents are not Christian. In their eyes, my boyfriend shouldn't marry someone whose parents are not Christian as they may have an unchristian influence on our home or in our children's lives. We have already talked about how we would raise our kids in a Christian home using Christian principles. My boyfriend and I are really struggling with this. We believe that children should obey and honor their parents, even through we are both adults. And without their blessings he doesn't feel like he can or should marry me.

What should we do? Is it unchristian to choose your own husband/wife or to marry without parents' blessings? Please advise. We want to follow the Christian path. We're both praying about this, but need advice.

It sounds like his parents are being somewhat bias. It is not like you and your boyfriend are unevenly yoked if you are both Christian. You and your boyfriend are not marrying the parents. I think you should give this whole incident to God. Pray about it. It might be a rocky road with his parents if you do get married. But that is their loss.Are you prepared for this rejection? They may never see their grandchildren all because of pride and being stubborn and not willing to be opened minded.

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Show your boyfriend these Scriptures and see how he reacts. He is marrying you, not his mother and father or even your mother and father.

Your both believers in Christ, get married and have a wonderful life. Parents if they love you and are concerned will understand. And remember don't let parents or inlaws interfere in your marriage. They have had their turn, get on with yours. I'm speaking from experience! :thumbsup:

Genesis2:24, Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Jesus said these words;

Matthew 19:5, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

And also these;

Mark 10:7, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;

Ephesians 5:31, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

You shall be "one flesh," not four or six? You two will be "ONE."

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Thank you all so very much for your advice. This is very helpful to me. I will share the scriptures with my boyfriend and see what he says. I have brought up Matthew 19:5 to him in the past, but that didn't seem to make much of a difference. His parents have been reiterating Ephesians 6:1-3  Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” And this has his feeling conflicted. He even went to his pastor who gave him the same advice and told him he shouldn't marry without his parent's blessings. 

He sent me a sermon from Moody's Ministries, where the pastor said one is to obey his/her parents, even if they think they are wrong or don't agree, for there is blessing in it.

My thinking is that yes, we must all obey our parents, but the scripture goes on to say, "in the Lord", this to me means that as long as it is within Christian principles, you should obey your parents. But if it is not in the Lord, or not within Christian principles, then you are not breaking the Lord's commandment by not obeying. Am I wrong in deriving this translation from the scripture?

 

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      One of the things that I see in scripture is that God is in control, regardless of how lousy the circumstances seem to be.
      The pastor said, “that God gives us examples of people who are messed up so that we can know what not to do.” If that theory is correct, then why would God tell Israel, explicitly, not to learn from the surrounding nations, for the surrounding nations were doing everything wrong, worshiping idols, and sacrificing their children to gods. While I might argue that learning from my neighbor how to work with Iron could be a necessity that would allow a civilization to create water pipes. However, there is often a hazard in close associations, especially with those not so grounded, as it can cause us to be drawn away by the deviant and those used by Satan. Along with that, I have had several acquaintances that claimed to be Christians. One, it turns out, was in a men's home (the men's home is somewhat irrelevant except that you can make an obvious assumption - and that is that the person from the home has had some mighty struggles in the past.) While the leadership of the men's home had mandated church services and Bible studies they had to attend, they could not seem to get the world out of this brother. He, in a short period, took a job on the night crew, and I rarely saw him after that. His reattachment to the world seemed to grow and he left the group home he was a part of.
      You shall make no covenant with them or with their gods. They shall not dwell in your land, lest they make you sin against Me; for if you serve their gods, it will surely be a snare to you. (Exodus 23:32-33 AMP)
      And you shall consume all the peoples whom the Lord your God will give over to you; your eye shall not pity them, neither shall you serve their gods, for that would be a snare to you. (Deuteronomy 7:16 AMP)
      You didn't merely live by their ways and act according to their disgusting practices, but in a very short time, you acted more corruptly than they in all your ways. (Ezekiel 16:47 CJB)
      Is it the person becoming the snare? Perhaps, but what we do know is that Satan will deceive you through any means possible. In some cases, it might be an innocent but attractive looking woman.
      Yes, Jacob's life is one huge psychodrama. He is a liar, a cheat, and a general a mess; he does not even seem to slow down all those years later when he meets Esau again. But there is a method to God's madness. God seems to use broken people; he even seeks them out. He seems to find pleasure in lifting them up and healing them. On the plus side, our savior is a descendant of the line from Jacob.
      My point: That no matter how messed up the narrative, or, our story is, we can and should glean as much as we can from each one, for it is God's story. Sure, you think it is all yours, but it is never anything less than God's plan, you merely get to be a part of it.
      "For I know what plans I have in mind for you,' says Adonai, plans for well-being, not for bad things; so that you can have hope and a future. " (Jeremiah 29:11 CJB)
    • By clouds5
      Hello friends,
      I decided to at least write in some forum and ask for help/guidance. Here's my situation, I'm not looking for pity or being shamed, I just want to share my story and maybe some of you guys has an idea what I could do/pray for, or something like that:
      I'm a man, 33 years old. Married since 5 years. About 2-3 years ago I was working a good job and doing education on the side so I could continue working in the field. Short version: I failed my studies and had to change my field of work. I took it pretty hard because the circumstances were messy and I was doing very well in my job - only the grades were an issue. Anyway I was a mess for a while but I knew God had a path for me.
      During that time my wife, who was dealing with depression earlier in her life, started developing an eating disorder. When we realized it was time to do something about it was already pretty severe. I prayed for her and I tried anything to help her anyway I could, encourage her, help her make plans on how to eat enough, went to therapy with her etc. But nothing really helped. She played her therapists, she lied to me and to herself. And after ~2years of ED (eating disorder) in our lives, it started to take a heavy toll on our relationship (I'm not blaming her btw, it's the sickness that's causing this).
      I tried to lecture her, she started to tell me things that were not true etc. She temporarily lost her fertility (body shuts down reproductive systems when there is not enough food) and with it, the rest of what was left in terms of sexual desire (we don't have kids!). And me, as a guy who enjoys the more chubby kind of females had a real hard time finding her anorexic body attractive.
      About 3 months ago she finally decided it's time to go to a rehab clinic to really concentrate on getting better. The fact that she wanted to do that of her own volition, was like a miracle. All was looking well for a while. But she's on break now from the clinic and it seems to me like nothing really changed. She didn't really gain weight and she still has her eating habits.
      Anyway. I mentioned I have a new job now and I'm teaching on the side. My life apart from my wife is amazing right now! BUT. I met this woman in a seminar, also married - getting neglected and hit by her husband (human beings are messed up I tell you...), and we immediately clicked and felt connected. We had amazing talks and it was a "healing experience" for both of us, I'm 100% certain that God made us run into each other. But now I'm afraid we're getting almost too close... yay... :/
      I believe what we've been doing is called an "emotional affair" (having an affair without the physical component). Well, we just met this evening before I started writing this and after talking for a while we started comforting each other and finally went to the couch and just held each other in embrace for over an hour. Nothing sexual, no kissing or anything - just intense hugging and a little crying. I have to be honest, it was the most wonderful, blissful experience I had in almost all my life. After a while I started shaking all over my body because of all the happy hormones and that feeling of being loved and sheltered...
      Now I have no idea what to do. I don't want to leave my wife. I don't want to have an affair but I was craving being close to someone so much... And I really can't tell my wife about it - that could make her kill herself (literally).
       
      [e]
      Since I cannot find the reply button I'll edit my post. First of all thank you for your answers.
      If it were that simple. Cut ties, it's a sin, don't do it. I'm too weak for that right now. I know it will lead to pain, probably. But I already am in pain most of the time. Basically, I'm completely separated from my wife emotionally and physically and I fought for like two years to prevent that. My wife told me a few days ago that it's pretty clear to her that it's my fault that she started developing an eating disorder. I wasn't stable enough for her etc... Just to clarify what's the state of our relationship is she is completely absorbed by her ED-thoughts.
      I want to work on my marriage and improve it (it's what I'm trying to do since all this started, we already went to therpy and everything) but as long as we don't have a common ground to build from I don't see the way.
      Btw: I cannot completely cut ties with this woman, we are gonna meet semi-regularly because of our jobs for at least another 1-2 years.
       
      [e2] @Abby-Joy "All that to say ...I needed my husband's love, understanding, prayer, support. He wasn't there for me like he should have been."
      I'm trying to do all that and been trying for the past years. It's just that I'm a human being too, you know. I also have my weaknesses and a difficult past and my strength has its limits. That's no apology for anything - i know the scripture well enough. I have problems with addiction myself - as almost any human has... right? I only recently stopped smoking for example and I could only do that because of the support and faith that other woman had for me. But thank you for encouraging me to go another round.
      This is all very very hard and it's times like these when I understand why Paul said it would be best if we would live alone and concentrate full on the Lord.
       
      [e3] I'll think about someone I could talk to at my church... I came here because I have a hard time talking to people about these topics. It's well known in our church that she has an ED. And a lot of people come to me and ask me how we are etc. especially now that she's at a clinic. But I feel most of them come because that's what you do, not because they actually want me to open up. I usually tell what they want to hear, you know. And since I didn't have a single male father figure in my life I have a hard time talking to males anyway... But that's another topic
      -->Thank you for offer Abby-Joy talking to her. Who knows, maybe I'll pm you about that when the time is right. I don't think that I have to be afraid that she would commit adultery, she's pretty much asexual since all this started. At least that's how she behaves. I'm not sure if I still know her well enough though. She has changed soo much since we first met each other. I think the environment of our marriage (the first years) allowed her to start dealing with certain things from her past (much like you described) and then everything turned sideways.
      Thank you all so much for your replies, really helps me a lot even just writing here.
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