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Sometimes violence makes me happy


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First off, please don't judge me, I'm trying to change.  

I have high functioning autism.  As a result I have trouble with emotional regulation and impulse control and sometimes have meltdowns.  When I was younger I'd often hit my parents if I was overwhelmed by a situation.  I still do this occasionally but I'm really trying to stop.  I've never given them any serious injuries.  I used to always feel terrible afterwards.

However, more recently, I'm finding sometimes violence makes me happy.  I've read violent stories for pleasure.  I'm fighting the urge to do this right now.  Also, for about a year now I've had thoughts of hurting child family members.  One in particular annoyed me last Thanksgiving and I feel an urge to get back at him.  Also, I used to play with knives.

I don't think this is my autism anymore.  I do have some mental illnesses and hormonal imbalances and as a result am on 7 medications.  I'm wondering if this could be either from another condition or be a med side effect.  I'll talk to professionals but if its from a med I don't think there is any way to know which one since I'm on so many.  Enjoying the violence or wanting to be violent isn't who I used to be.  I used to be vegan I was so anti-violence to living things and I still limit the animal products I eat.  Prayers please, if that's not too much to ask?  

Update- Prayer has been answered.

Edited by gerbilwoman
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Guest BacKaran

Hi 

The fact that you are aware that this is NOT you is a great sign. Please tell your doctor and parents so you all can be involved in your treatment.

Please keep us updated for prayers and please know that sharing your story will help others as well.

Prayers for you now.

Be well,

Karan.?

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Thank you both!

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Just want to re-iterate the advice to talk to a doctor or doctors. If the one you see doesn't know, find another one, especially a psychiatrist who would be well studied in the mental/emotional effects of such medications.

And first and foremost, call upon the Perfect Doctor. Admit your problem, and ask Him to wash those thoughts from you mind. Ask for His strength to turn your mind to different things when you realize you're starting to think about them again.

God bless, praying!

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Thank you!

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Blessings gerbilgirl...

     Good to see you & I think you know that I would never "judge" you,it is just NOT my place plus we ALL fall short of the Glory of God dear one.......besides,we do not fight against "flesh & blood" Honey,our struggles are with principalities,rulers of darkness etc......the thoughts or "impulses" you are having are put there by the same ole enemy that has a field day in the playground of our mind when we are not wearing the Helmet of Salvation,I'm certainly not saying you are not Saved ut I am saying that you are not established,rooted or grounded in Gods Word......nothing that you don't already know,right gerbilgirl?

   Sweetheart,I love you & this is not WHO you are,of course not but it is who the enemy wants to convince you that you have become....these are strong holds,bondage & nothing that you cannot be FREE of in Christ Jesus,nothing is TOO BIG for Almighty God....    You have to surrender your flesh,your carnal thinking,the "I ,me,self" att itude(mind set) that you have been conditioned to live in.......the only way to Renew the Mind is in Christ Jesus,we can try by all effort,discipline & self diligence & we will continue to fail ,slipping right back to square one over & over.....sadly,like many others yu have been tagged & labeled & convinced of mental disorders & disabilities,they may be mans fact but not Gods Truth!

   When we arrive ,on our knees,at the foot of the cross,we can either hang up our flesh & surrender to Christ Lordship or just say "Save me,Save me Jesus"...it is just the beginning,having Jesus Lord over our lives means we are repentant,willing & obedient to His Word,,,,& FAITH comes by Hearing His Word......how do we become obedient to His Word if we are not willing to open the Bible &  make Him FIRST & FOREMOST,our utmost priority,our FIRST LOVE? These are choices my dear friend,decisions & choices that only you can make........I am certainly praying for you & with you and I will continue to & be here for you but I will continue to tell you the TRUTH & point to Jesus......there is a cure for what ails you,you were given a sound mind not a spirit of fear (in Jesus Christ) there are many who are very likely Saved but sadly they live in bondage  never living a life more abundat r6ight here & now because they simply refuse to keep there eyes on Jesus,the Way ,the Truth & the Life....as soon as we take our eyes off Him we sink into the wind & the waves just like Peter did.....& in this life there will be quite a number of storms to overcome but w4ithout Him,we are like a sinking ship

Quote

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Matthew 14th Chapter

  Do you have a church that you go to ,a Pastor?                                                                                                                With love-in Christ,Kwik

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12 minutes ago, kwikphilly said:

Blessings gerbilgirl...

     Good to see you & I think you know that I would never "judge" you,it is just NOT my place plus we ALL fall short of the Glory of God dear one.......besides,we do not fight against "flesh & blood" Honey,our struggles are with principalities,rulers of darkness etc......the thoughts or "impulses" you are having are put there by the same ole enemy that has a field day in the playground of our mind when we are not wearing the Helmet of Salvation,I'm certainly not saying you are not Saved ut I am saying that you are not established,rooted or grounded in Gods Word......nothing that you don't already know,right gerbilgirl?

   Sweetheart,I love you & this is not WHO you are,of course not but it is who the enemy wants to convince you that you have become....these are strong holds,bondage & nothing that you cannot be FREE of in Christ Jesus,nothing is TOO BIG for Almighty God....    You have to surrender your flesh,your carnal thinking,the "I ,me,self" att itude(mind set) that you have been conditioned to live in.......the only way to Renew the Mind is in Christ Jesus,we can try by all effort,discipline & self diligence & we will continue to fail ,slipping right back to square one over & over.....sadly,like many others yu have been tagged & labeled & convinced of mental disorders & disabilities,they may be mans fact but not Gods Truth!

   When we arrive ,on our knees,at the foot of the cross,we can either hang up our flesh & surrender to Christ Lordship or just say "Save me,Save me Jesus"...it is just the beginning,having Jesus Lord over our lives means we are repentant,willing & obedient to His Word,,,,& FAITH comes by Hearing His Word......how do we become obedient to His Word if we are not willing to open the Bible &  make Him FIRST & FOREMOST,our utmost priority,our FIRST LOVE? These are choices my dear friend,decisions & choices that only you can make........I am certainly praying for you & with you and I will continue to & be here for you but I will continue to tell you the TRUTH & point to Jesus......there is a cure for what ails you,you were given a sound mind not a spirit of fear (in Jesus Christ) there are many who are very likely Saved but sadly they live in bondage  never living a life more abundat r6ight here & now because they simply refuse to keep there eyes on Jesus,the Way ,the Truth & the Life....as soon as we take our eyes off Him we sink into the wind & the waves just like Peter did.....& in this life there will be quite a number of storms to overcome but w4ithout Him,we are like a sinking ship

  Do you have a church that you go to ,a Pastor?                                                                                                                With love-in Christ,Kwik

I agree with Kwik.  

You say you enjoy violence, so the first thing you need to avoid is books that are violent and shows, movies.  Instead of reaching for a violent book reach for the Word of God.  When you fill your mind with His words the enemy will not have anyplace to put his thoughts.  

And yes please find a church that is Bible based with a good pastor and speak with him....

Blessings, RustyAngeL

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On 11/8/2016 at 0:34 PM, kwikphilly said:

Blessings gerbilgirl...

     Good to see you & I think you know that I would never "judge" you,it is just NOT my place plus we ALL fall short of the Glory of God dear one.......besides,we do not fight against "flesh & blood" Honey,our struggles are with principalities,rulers of darkness etc......the thoughts or "impulses" you are having are put there by the same ole enemy that has a field day in the playground of our mind when we are not wearing the Helmet of Salvation,I'm certainly not saying you are not Saved ut I am saying that you are not established,rooted or grounded in Gods Word......nothing that you don't already know,right gerbilgirl?

   Sweetheart,I love you & this is not WHO you are,of course not but it is who the enemy wants to convince you that you have become....these are strong holds,bondage & nothing that you cannot be FREE of in Christ Jesus,nothing is TOO BIG for Almighty God....    You have to surrender your flesh,your carnal thinking,the "I ,me,self" att itude(mind set) that you have been conditioned to live in.......the only way to Renew the Mind is in Christ Jesus,we can try by all effort,discipline & self diligence & we will continue to fail ,slipping right back to square one over & over.....sadly,like many others yu have been tagged & labeled & convinced of mental disorders & disabilities,they may be mans fact but not Gods Truth!

   When we arrive ,on our knees,at the foot of the cross,we can either hang up our flesh & surrender to Christ Lordship or just say "Save me,Save me Jesus"...it is just the beginning,having Jesus Lord over our lives means we are repentant,willing & obedient to His Word,,,,& FAITH comes by Hearing His Word......how do we become obedient to His Word if we are not willing to open the Bible &  make Him FIRST & FOREMOST,our utmost priority,our FIRST LOVE? These are choices my dear friend,decisions & choices that only you can make........I am certainly praying for you & with you and I will continue to & be here for you but I will continue to tell you the TRUTH & point to Jesus......there is a cure for what ails you,you were given a sound mind not a spirit of fear (in Jesus Christ) there are many who are very likely Saved but sadly they live in bondage  never living a life more abundat r6ight here & now because they simply refuse to keep there eyes on Jesus,the Way ,the Truth & the Life....as soon as we take our eyes off Him we sink into the wind & the waves just like Peter did.....& in this life there will be quite a number of storms to overcome but w4ithout Him,we are like a sinking ship

  Do you have a church that you go to ,a Pastor?                                                                                                                With love-in Christ,Kwik

Thank you.  I have severe sensory issues so cannot handle music at church services (or anywhere) therefore I don't have a church.  Do you think if I was to find a pastor he'd talk to me even if I didn't attend church services?  I'm not sure what to expect.  

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23 hours ago, RustyAngeL said:

I agree with Kwik.  

You say you enjoy violence, so the first thing you need to avoid is books that are violent and shows, movies.  Instead of reaching for a violent book reach for the Word of God.  When you fill your mind with His words the enemy will not have anyplace to put his thoughts.  

And yes please find a church that is Bible based with a good pastor and speak with him....

Blessings, RustyAngeL

Thank you.  I rarely watch violent television actually, it's just reading.  But yeah I'll try to do that.  

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Hi Love

Quote

Thank you.  I have severe sensory issues so cannot handle music at church services (or anywhere) therefore I don't have a church.  Do you think if I was to find a pastor he'd talk to me even if I didn't attend church services?  I'm not sure what to expect.                         gerbilgirl

I do dear one ,if he is a true man of God then his concern & top priority would be YOU not church attendance,the only thing is that you really would not have much to go on having never heard what he has to say or teach or preach etc......we really have to know something about WHO we are talking to & confiding in.....especially for male/female,,,,usually there are many Pastors that will have a church mother there with you & don't tend to put themselves or anyone else in a position that can appear something it is not,do you understand?   I would personally feel much better if you knew who you were reaching out to & preferably a mature woman of God for right now.....?      Can you PM me?  I would like to talk to you about a couple of things privately                              With love-in Christ,Kwik

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