HAZARD Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 11 Topic Count: 320 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 6,830 Content Per Day: 0.84 Reputation: 3,570 Days Won: 1 Joined: 02/16/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In the light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded -- a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.' 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. 8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware of a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high-quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. *God Save the Queen” God bless America ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebula Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 10 Topic Count: 5,823 Topics Per Day: 0.76 Content Count: 45,870 Content Per Day: 5.95 Reputation: 1,897 Days Won: 83 Joined: 03/22/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/19/1970 Share Posted November 11, 2016 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoes_untied Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 292 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 37 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/17/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 I have not seen this anywhere else which means we are the first to know. Don't spread word of this until we have landed the good jobs working for the monarchy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shoes_untied Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 292 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 37 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/17/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 Also, who wants to go bass fishing with me in the palace reflecting pond? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emdie Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 8 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 146 Content Per Day: 0.05 Reputation: 137 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/18/2016 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 Funniest thing I've read in years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1to3 Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Royal Member Followers: 22 Topic Count: 138 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 4,209 Content Per Day: 1.23 Reputation: 3,073 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/28/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 lol so funny, thanks for sharing HAZARD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
emdie Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 8 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 146 Content Per Day: 0.05 Reputation: 137 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/18/2016 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 Funniest thing I've read in years I just read this to my mother, who is English, a Monarchist, and very hot on Spelling and Grammar, and she said 'what a pity it can't be instituted'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ayin jade Posted November 11, 2016 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 44 Topic Count: 6,178 Topics Per Day: 0.88 Content Count: 43,795 Content Per Day: 6.21 Reputation: 11,243 Days Won: 58 Joined: 01/03/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted November 11, 2016 Bring it on lady. We whopped you once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Myrtle&Palm Posted November 11, 2016 Share Posted November 11, 2016 LOL Right On! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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