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Ghostdog

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Ghostdog    514

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken. "What is it?" he asked. The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!" 

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woundeddog    1,459

an elderly couple was having trouble remembering things so the wife dragged them to the Doctor--- he said, oh that just part of getting older--- just write things down.

 

They went home that evening the man got up from his chair and the lady said where are you going? he said, to the kitchen. She said get me some ice cream , and write it down so you wont forget- he scowled and said I wont forget I dont need to write it down,, she said strawberries too and write it down- he scowled NO I wont forget, she said and a little whipped cream, please write it down-- again He stated NO I WILL NOT FORGET-------

20 minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs~~~~~ she looks at it and shakes her head and says, I knew you would forget~~~~ where s the toast????

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Ghostdog    514

Just came home from a training session. Two hours on the treadmill did me really good. If only I could somehow stop the constant beeping and the irritated comments of the cashier.

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woundeddog    1,459

I went to a plastic surgery 12 step recovery meeting last night~~~~~~~~~~~~~ lots of new faces!

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thilipsis    174

A man who worked nights but never missed Sunday morning services would sit in the front row. In the middle of the sermon he would fall asleep and start snoring and it was driving the preacher up the wall. Finally he decided to teach this guy a lesson. On Sunday he fell asleep and started snoring so the preacher told the congregation that, 'everyone who want's to go to heaven and be with Jesus stand up now', of course everyone stands up. Then he says, 'everyone who wants to go to hell and be with the devil, STAND UP NOW!'. Startled, the man who was sleeping jumps to his feet and the Preacher is glaring down at him. The man says, 'Well preacher, I don't know what we are voting on but it looks like it's just you and me'.

Grace and peace,

Mark

Edited by thilipsis
typos
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SavedToServe    79

There is a student nurse on a geriatric ward, the senior nurse said that lady needs to be put on the porta potty, and the senior nurse walk of. Coming back down the ward she see the curtains pulled round the elderly ladies bed but she could see he head over the top of them. She looked inside the curtain, and there the lady was sitting on the porta potty on top if the bed. She was astounded at this, she then asked the same nurse to go and clean all their dentures and when she had done she came to the senior nurse, "what do I do now" ? The senior nurse looks round and couldn't believe her eyes she had put their dentures all into one bowl. She says well how do we know who's is who's ..... LOL This is actually a true story, my friend the senior nurse told me.. 

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Churchmouse    1,672

About a week before Thanksgiving A father phoned his son, who was living in another state and said, "I've been married to your mother for over 45 years and we are both sick and tired of each other, We are getting a divorce and that's that." and hung up the phone.  The son frantically tried recall his dad, but finding the phone busy he called up his sister, who lives in another state and told her, "Dad just called me up and told me he and mom were getting a divorce and then he hung up on me. I can't get get a hold of him."

The daughter then, frantically dialed their fathers phone and got through. she told him "Dad, Don't you or mom do a anything, me and my brother will be there next week and we are going to talk about this." then she hung you the phone. The father set down the phone and smiling to himself nudged his wife saying setting beside him, "Both the kids are coming for Thanksgiving and this time they are paying their own way."

Edited by Churchmouse
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woundeddog    1,459

Pastor woke up an a beautiful sunny Sunday morning and thought  I haven't played golf in years

" I don't want to go preach today, I want to play a round of golf instead"- he called the head Deacon and said he was very sick and couldn't make it out of bed and he should take service- Deacon said okay.  Satan was watching this and said to the Lord-- " Hey, that's your guy , he's lying - you going to let him get away with that?"== The Lord said, I have it under control"--- Pastor teed up on first hole and hit a hole in one-- Satan said " Hey- I thought you where going to punish him!! ?? "  The Lord said, " I did-- who can he tell?"

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worthy    4,332

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.

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