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Mea kakau

Long Story - Friendless and Ill Again

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The first photo of the distorted face is called Forcing the Hand and represents how I felt after my father broke my left forearm when I was 10. The second one depicts an out-of-the-body experience I had at age three when I witnessed two murders. It's called Mind Altering Experience II. I drew both in 2000 to 2001, before I had the actual, full memories of those experiences. It took 10 years before I had full knowledge of what had happened. I slightly altered the two drawings in Photoshop to intensify the colors for websites as the colored pencil drawings were too light except for the metallic colors.

 

I never heard of Createspace before. I'm checking it out later today.

Do you have to pay to get published? I read years ago that paying to get published shouldn't happen for writers.

 

The novel I finished was started in 2003 and changed genres many times. I finally settled on a thriller.

When I started to put together my abuse in 2011 and finally understood what happened to me, I started writing novels to express the emotions within me. From 2011 through 2017, I wrote close to one million words (This doesn't include my novel for publication which went through several rewrites and revisions. With it I could add another 500,000 words for all the times I've rewrote it).

 

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OK so the writing poured out of you as your way of grieving, raging, etc? I used to journal pretty much every day, starting when a friend gave me a blank book for my 18th birthday. I still journal occasionally, but it's more of a chore now, where it used to be a necessity. I have maybe 25-30 volumes.

So createspace is amazon's free self-publishing tool/website. There is a community of very helpful veterans who will answer any questions you can dream up to ask about the entire process.

So your childhood was traumatic to say the least :( 

I do that with my art too to make it easier to see/more appealing online. I found that I had to revise my colors for creatspace's printing process - they were too saturated, esp. the reds. That was the only expense I incurred - purchasing a proof copy before final publication. My husband went through at least a couple versions of his before he was satisfied I think. It's amazing how many typos you will find when you see it in print.

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Hi Shel,

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I've been gone grieving the loss of our dog Bailey who died of cancer on May 7, 2017.

I would like, and have prayed to the Lord, to use my writing to help others deal with their abuse. The story which I originally began in 2003 has now evolved, through much prayer, into the kind of stories I'd like to write. It's definitely a work in progress as I develop the characters. I have to develop them in my head first where they take on a life of their own. From there, I write down what I hear them saying and see them doing and that becomes the novel. I had been stuck with the novel and not getting the characters to come alive. After much prayer, that's finally happening. I changed the focus for three of the characters and their stories so that they reflected more of a Christian life.

One way you can see your novel in print before publishing is to download Amazon's ebook software. You post your story to your own ebook reader. No one else sees it. That's when I see all the grammar and spelling errors which need to be corrected.

Like you I have kept a journal since I was young. I purchased my first leather bound, 9 X 12 journal in 1976. There are 12 volumes and also in notebooks on my office bookshelf. I used to belong to abuse support groups through writing before the internet came about. So there are quite a few volumes of letters I wrote back and forth each month in three different support groups. Those are kept in huge binders. Plus I have additional journals and pages on my journal software I purchased years ago from Mariner. It's called MacJournal and comes in a Windows version as well, WinJournal. With the software you can blog, journal, and podcast.

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My former friend, I can now say that as I blocked her telephone calls on both my cellphone and land phone, said something which enabled me to let go of the relationship, finally. I never expected it from her. One day she called me and told me that she hadn't wanted to call me because she didn't want to hear about my dog's death. Instead of being the supportive friend I thought she was, she was the exact opposite. Her words cut me deep and I couldn't get them out of my mind for days. Occasionally they still haunt me. That's when I pray to Jesus and listen to praise and worship music to stay focused on God not those hurtful words my former friend spoke.

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So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved pet... and now your friend as well. It sounds like it wasn't a great friendship, but still a loss. Wow, it's been a whole month since you posted. How are you doing?

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On 1/2/2017 at 3:17 PM, Mea kakau said:

I don't know where to start this story. It's a long one. Thanks in advance for reading this long post.

Back in 2006 I had two medical problems which doctors couldn't diagnose. I met this Christian lady through an online word game. Right from the start she prayed for me to get the correct diagnoses. Then we got separated when the word game's connection got messed up. Meanwhile, one of the medical conditions got diagnosed in the nick of time. Had I waited and listened to this one doctor, who thought I was hysterical and seeking attention from doctors (just the opposite—I avoid doctors), I would have been blind in one eye. I had prayed for the Lord to guide me in what to do and where to go. It took 10 months to get a diagnosis.

The other medical condition took much more persistence and 11 visits to EDs at two different hospitals to receive a diagnosis. At one hospital I was essentially called hysterical and menopausal. "Go home and take two aspirin and go to bed." In fact the hospital took an x-ray which proved I was not hysterical, yet they didn't know the diagnosis so they overlooked the major symptom (chest pain) and the sign (x-ray with enlarged heart). Nearly two years after the first symptom appeared in late 2005, I received a proper diagnosis.

During my suffering and eventual diagnoses and after that time, I stopped trusting doctors because of their condescending attitude toward me and my suffering. I only found three doctors, all specialists, who I can trust. Though one of them blamed me a couple of times for things which turned out to be not enough medicine to stop symptoms. I've got an ongoing medical condition for which I take daily medicine. The other specialist saved my eyesight through telephone conversations with an ED doctor. And the last one, a cardiologist, prevented lasting problems with my heart from the condition affecting it.

My friend from online and I got to know each other from 2007 onward. We started talking and praying on the phone together.

It was a healthy sounding relationship from the outside. That is until I actually met her in person and realized she had several serious mental problems which she never fully addressed with a psychiatrist. Her mental issues wouldn't be a problem if they only affected her. She told me about some fraudulent activities she engaged in on a regular basis. And then she committed the fraudulent act with me on the phone. She was speaking on her cellphone and committing a white-collar crime. I was dumbfounded and disturbed. All I could do was pray about her criminal behavior. I've never felt it was appropriate to fully confront her. I questioned her about it and that's it.

It's interesting that just this year stores are putting an end to encouraging this type of behavior; buying something and using it for a period of time and then returning it and demanding their money back. My friend used the item on a daily basis for 6 months and returned it in deplorable condition for a refund and a new free set. Apparently, she's done this for many years and the high-end department store never stopped her. It's an item one typically buys more than one set of and changes them on a weekly basis. She purposely bought only one set. Essentially she receives a free set of this item every 6 months. She pays a small return fee for it. And knowing her as I've come to know her, she most likely purchased the most expensive brand of this item.

And she's done it with other items and stores as well. She told me about some of those exchanges. After I talked to her about doing those criminal acts, she stopped having me on the phone while she committed them. Sigh. That was a huge relief. I mean when she committed them that's the only time I knew about them occurring. No warnings.

Over time her fraudulent activities took a huge toll on our relationship. Even with prayer, I could never stop thinking about her behavior. I feel that our relationship is essentially over. We hardly converse any more. I've met her only twice in person and couldn't tolerate being around her on a regular basis. I've had two therapists warn me to keep the relationship as distant and as infrequent as possible, including phone calls, due to the woman's white-collar crimes.

So here I am in the new year friendless and...ill again. I think my dog's cancer could be the final straw in our relationship. Her husband is dying of cancer. She can't handle any more stress. Our friendship last 8 and a half years.

I asked for prayer on this forum about my itchy skin, and it's finally revealed itself to be a staph infection, cellulitis. I've never had an infection on this scale before. Yikes! It's traveling all over my upper body. It started with an allergic reaction to blue and yellow food dye. I've had cellulitis twice before in my legs, both times due to allergic reactions to something (which I didn't know at the time). Although even during my last visit to the hospital for treatment, I failed to understand the underlying reason I got cellulitis. A nurse told me it's my lot in life. I refused to take that on as my truth. I vowed to uncover the real reason for these bouts of cellulitis. And now I finally have my answer—allergies. Today I'm going to the ED at a hospital I trust. I know I'll be admitted and filled with antibiotics.

In 2015 I was admitted to the same hospital with cellulitis and treated. A doctor on call asked if I had a personal physician. I said I had one. I did but...that doctor had said something really stupid to me. I'm a survivor of ritual abuse, and the doctor told me I should be over it by now. Wow, seriously? The memories came in 2010, originally some in 1988 but not much then. The doctor was questioning my long time on disability (since 1992 due to extreme PTSD). When the doctor realized what I had remembered, he stopped telling me to get over it. Though he never apologized. So now I'm doctor-less again.

I prayed for a doctor with compassion and the Lord sent me one and I declined her services. I know this is like the man on the roof in the flood story and the Lord sending him a boat. Please pray that I would ask for a doctor recommendation and that the same doctor would offer her services to me again. The last time she asked me. Duh! :huh:

 

As for friends, ugh, not certain I want to go there just yet, again. I need time to heal from this last one. I live on an island. Quite isolating. Before this I lived on a land-locked part of the US which was like living on an island. Only two places like that in the US. Island life is good for writing loads of stories yet isolating for friendships. I live in an area where there's a huge influx of temporary people. And I'm an true introvert and thrive on being alone.

 

Praying for you!

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