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Brittany

physical intimacy before marriage?

Question

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

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Hi Brittany😁

I don't want to sound like a puritan, but even things as "harmless" as cuddling and kissing, are in fact part of "sexual intimacy" between a married couple. 

Skin to skin contact (even holding hands), can make you want to touch more - and as a teen, unless you are made of stone, it's too tempting.

Twenty years ago, I may have answered differently but today (older and wiser hopefully), this is what I pass on now.

Hope this has helped🌺

 

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I don't believe that it is wrong to hold hands, at least not in our culture.  Our youth pastor said that he and his wife had agreed to only hold hands till after they were married.   Another safety net might be to stay in a group of Christians and interact with others when you are together.  You can be more personal on the phone or in emails (as long as there is distance between you), like making future plans or talking about your likes and dislikes, praying together, or just visiting and being friends.  The physical distance helps to prevent impulsive actions.  

 

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1 hour ago, Brittany said:

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

Are you talking 13,14,15?It all depends on what kind of kissing you are talking about. "Making out" can lead to more intimate things. Holding hands is ok. Being left alone is also not a good idea. Way back a long, long time ago when a woman had to have a chaperone really was not a bad idea. If your boyfriend loves you and is a Christian and if he respects you he will not want to have sex outside of marriage. You also have to have enough self respect to put a stop to anything intimate that happens between you. Ask God to guide you and your boyfriend in your relationship and ask for wisdom and courage and that your relationship be pleasing to Jesus Christ. I will pray for you :th_praying:

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Hi Brittany, I think your instincts are good & leading the correct way to be wary of engaging the kind of physical contact that can lead too far, it shows maturity & a responsible godly attitude.  Can you have a talk with you boyfriend and let him understand that you want to set this limit? If he genuinely respects and cares for you and is committed to follow the Lord Jesus Christ , your boyfriend will agree and not pressure you .  Maybe you can also pray together and agree to submit to the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you want to have a successful & happy marriage when it is that time to make that decision though perhaps a few  yrs down the road.  I have read that Studies have shown that those that abstain from premarital sex Before Marriage have reported significantly higher levels of relationship satisfaction after married and less problems with intimacy after marriage compared interestingly to those who have NOT abstained. Those who have abstained and waited until they were married report Higher levels of emotional intimacy , relationship satisfaction and support , commitment, and sexual satisfaction.  It is worth waiting.   Pastor Charles Stanley mentioned in a sermon once that he has done more marriage counselling with couples who had lived together before marriage and said that he felt that a certain spiritual defilement of the sacred marriage bed happens when a couple engage in sex before marriage. Will pray for you.

Perhaps those who waited received God's blessings.

 

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On ‎6‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 2:35 PM, Brittany said:

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

Matt. 19:5, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Mark 10:6-7,  

V. 6, But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
   

V. 7, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife

Ephesians 5:31, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

Where there is no sin, there is no shame.

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On 1/5/2017 at 10:17 PM, Willa said:

I don't believe that it is wrong to hold hands, at least not in our culture.  Our youth pastor said that he and his wife had agreed to only hold hands till after they were married.   Another safety net might be to stay in a group of Christians and interact with others when you are together.  You can be more personal on the phone or in emails (as long as there is distance between you), like making future plans or talking about your likes and dislikes, praying together, or just visiting and being friends.  The physical distance helps to prevent impulsive actions.  

 

That is a great idea Willa.  Things can spiral very quickly and you need to be careful. 

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Dear sister Brittany,

 

Grace and mercy and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

First of all, I agree with everything the sister HisFirst said.

On 1/9/2017 at 2:05 AM, HisFirst said:

Hi Brittany😁

I don't want to sound like a puritan, but even things as "harmless" as cuddling and kissing, are in fact part of "sexual intimacy" between a married couple. 

Skin to skin contact (even holding hands), can make you want to touch more - and as a teen, unless you are made of stone, it's too tempting.

Twenty years ago, I may have answered differently but today (older and wiser hopefully), this is what I pass on now.

Hope this has helped🌺

I agree also with the suggestion that the sister Willa gave.

On 1/6/2017 at 2:17 AM, Willa said:

 Another safety net might be to stay in a group of Christians and interact with others when you are together.  You can be more personal on the phone or in emails (as long as there is distance between you), like making future plans or talking about your likes and dislikes, praying together, or just visiting and being friends.  The physical distance helps to prevent impulsive actions. 

On 1/10/2017 at 1:50 AM, RustyAngeL said:

That is a great idea Willa.  Things can spiral very quickly and you need to be careful. 

This recalls the relationship between Joseph and Mary:

 

·        “Now the birth of Jesus Christ was on this wise: When as his mother Mary was espoused to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Ghost. Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not willing to make her a publick example, was minded to put her away privily. But while he thought on these things, behold, the angel of the LORD appeared unto him in a dream, saying, Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins. Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. Then Joseph being raised from sleep did as the angel of the Lord had bidden him, and took unto him his wife: and knew her not till she had brought forth her firstborn son: and he called his name JESUS.” (Matthew 1.18-25).

 

Notice how throughout the engagement phase, there was no intimate contact between Mary and Joseph.

On 1/6/2017 at 1:35 AM, Brittany said:

But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too?

Therefore, "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands" is unacceptable to someone who wants a really healthy home.

Be concerned only with how to please Jesus (1 Corinthians 7:29-35), hear His voice, expect Him to reveal to you His good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12: 2) and, finally, lead you to the person which He has specially prepared for you.

Playing with sin is like walking on the tightrope or on the edge of a cliff. We can never think that we are immune enough to sin. See the serious warnings of the Holy Scripture about this:

 

·        “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4.23).

·        “Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.” (1Corinthians 10.12).

·        “For, brethren, ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.” (Galatians 5.13).

·        “Neither give place to the devil.” (Ephesians 4.27).

·        “Abstain from all appearance of evil.” (1Thessalonians 5.22).

 

We cannot even trust ourselves. At any moment we can be betrayed by our evil and deceitful heart:

 

·        “Thus saith the LORD; cursed be the man that trusteth in man, and maketh flesh his arm, and whose heart departeth from the LORD. For he shall be like the heath in the desert, and shall not see when good cometh; but shall inhabit the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land and not inhabited. Blessed is the man that trusteth in the LORD, and whose hope the LORD is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17.5-9).

 

We are arrested just when we allow ourselves to be enveloped by our cunning:

 

·        “Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.” (1Corinthians 6.15,16).

·        “Lo, this only have I found, that God hath made man upright; but they have sought out many inventions.” (Ecclesiastes 7.29).

 

May Jesus help you not to turn away from the holy commandment that was given you.

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On ‎1‎/‎5‎/‎2017 at 9:35 PM, Brittany said:

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Matthew 7:14 (KJV)

[14] Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

God has warned us

1 Corinthians 10:12 (KJV)

[12] Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall.

As with all Scriptual guidance it is to promote the fruit of The Spirit in daily living... I respect your heart toward God... prayed... Love, Steven

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I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

                                                                                                                                                            Brittany

Blessings Brittany......

     You have UNDERSTOOD by Wisdom & Understanding of Holy Spirit,Jesus Abides in YOU,in both of you.......keep listening to that STILL SMALL VOICE & keep your eyes on Jesus,He Will NEVER take you down the wrong path!!!!!!   I am confident your boyfriend will be Convicted with like MIND & JUDGEMENT in Christ Jesus!

                                                                                                                           Praying with you,well done young Sister!       With love-in Christ,Kwik

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To become a nurse one must get through high school into college whether a specialty college or a four year  institution, at a minimum there will be several years ahead of work, hard work. Being encumbered by  a/any one  boyfriend  isn't helpful in that cause.

So what is really wanted? The odds of successfully hanging onto a serious male friend for 4 to 6 years while trying to become educated and able to be self fulfilled seems pretty low to me- and not worth the effort for that matter.

 The pond is full of fish, cast the net where and when  our Lord says drop a net right  there. It will come up full.

 The same is true for a male wanting to become a missionary, it will take years of training and great financial sacrifice. There  will always be financial hardship  ahead, for there is the constant need  to be finding financial support for the mission. Trying to start out on that path encumbered by a young woman and perhaps a child or two is a very hard row to hoe.

Sorry, but to put it bluntly, I see both of you as being on the wrong path to your stated personal goals.

Edited by Neighbor
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