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Brittany

physical intimacy before marriage?

Question

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

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Hi Brittany😁

I don't want to sound like a puritan, but even things as "harmless" as cuddling and kissing, are in fact part of "sexual intimacy" between a married couple. 

Skin to skin contact (even holding hands), can make you want to touch more - and as a teen, unless you are made of stone, it's too tempting.

Twenty years ago, I may have answered differently but today (older and wiser hopefully), this is what I pass on now.

Hope this has helped🌺

 

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I don't believe that it is wrong to hold hands, at least not in our culture.  Our youth pastor said that he and his wife had agreed to only hold hands till after they were married.   Another safety net might be to stay in a group of Christians and interact with others when you are together.  You can be more personal on the phone or in emails (as long as there is distance between you), like making future plans or talking about your likes and dislikes, praying together, or just visiting and being friends.  The physical distance helps to prevent impulsive actions.  

 

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1 hour ago, Brittany said:

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

Are you talking 13,14,15?It all depends on what kind of kissing you are talking about. "Making out" can lead to more intimate things. Holding hands is ok. Being left alone is also not a good idea. Way back a long, long time ago when a woman had to have a chaperone really was not a bad idea. If your boyfriend loves you and is a Christian and if he respects you he will not want to have sex outside of marriage. You also have to have enough self respect to put a stop to anything intimate that happens between you. Ask God to guide you and your boyfriend in your relationship and ask for wisdom and courage and that your relationship be pleasing to Jesus Christ. I will pray for you :th_praying:

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Hi Brittany, I think your instincts are good & leading the correct way to be wary of engaging the kind of physical contact that can lead too far, it shows maturity & a responsible godly attitude.  Can you have a talk with you boyfriend and let him understand that you want to set this limit? If he genuinely respects and cares for you and is committed to follow the Lord Jesus Christ , your boyfriend will agree and not pressure you .  Maybe you can also pray together and agree to submit to the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't know how old you are but I'm sure you want to have a successful & happy marriage when it is that time to make that decision though perhaps a few  yrs down the road.  I have read that Studies have shown that those that abstain from premarital sex Before Marriage have reported significantly higher levels of relationship satisfaction after married and less problems with intimacy after marriage compared interestingly to those who have NOT abstained. Those who have abstained and waited until they were married report Higher levels of emotional intimacy , relationship satisfaction and support , commitment, and sexual satisfaction.  It is worth waiting.   Pastor Charles Stanley mentioned in a sermon once that he has done more marriage counselling with couples who had lived together before marriage and said that he felt that a certain spiritual defilement of the sacred marriage bed happens when a couple engage in sex before marriage. Will pray for you.

Perhaps those who waited received God's blessings.

 

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On ‎6‎/‎01‎/‎2017 at 2:35 PM, Brittany said:

I know that premarital sex is definitely a no-no. But - and I'm just going to get to the point, here - I have a boyfriend. We're both devout Christians. We're young (teens). We've been dating for over two years. And we've kissed. We've cuddled. We hold hands all the time.

Is that bad?

When he first kissed me, I thought nothing of it. When we first cuddled, I thought nothing of it. When he held my hand for the first time (the third day we were dating) I thought nothing of it. But, very recently, I got a small thought in the back of my head. What if this stuff is all against God's Law, too? I understand that these things can lead to sexual desire, which can lead to sexual immorality, and the Bible says to "flee from sexual immorality."

I'm going to admit, although we haven't done the 's-word', we have kissed a couple times that could have lead to it... and I'm planning on putting a stop to that. No more. But what about "Just kissing" or "just cuddling" or even "just holding hands"? Are those against God's Law, too? If they are, well then I'll have a hard time breaking the news to my boyfriend and stopping, but I'll end up breaking it to him and quitting it anyways, due to conviction.

Since I actually feel a bit of conviction about this now, I'm assuming that means it is wrong and we should stop, and God's trying to tell me that. but, I would still like to hear what you guys have to say about this. And, if it's not too much to ask, please pray for me as well. Because it's going to be hard, breaking it to my boyfriend, and even stopping myself.

Thanks!

Matt. 19:5, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Mark 10:6-7,  

V. 6, But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
   

V. 7, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife

Ephesians 5:31, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

Where there is no sin, there is no shame.

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On 1/5/2017 at 10:17 PM, Willa said:

I don't believe that it is wrong to hold hands, at least not in our culture.  Our youth pastor said that he and his wife had agreed to only hold hands till after they were married.   Another safety net might be to stay in a group of Christians and interact with others when you are together.  You can be more personal on the phone or in emails (as long as there is distance between you), like making future plans or talking about your likes and dislikes, praying together, or just visiting and being friends.  The physical distance helps to prevent impulsive actions.  

 

That is a great idea Willa.  Things can spiral very quickly and you need to be careful. 

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