She Won't Stop Criticizing

[LadyKay]

Hi. I am once again having an issue with my mother in law and I am unsure as a Christian how I should deal with it. To be blunt I feel like cutting her out of my life altogether. But I do not think that is the Christian thing to do nor do I think it is doable.  Well this is what is going on.   Okay, about 6 or 7 years ago my husband and myself were planing a trip to a local amusement park. We were taking my husband's adult daughter and his granddaughter as well. My husband's daughter has two half sisters who were teenagers at the time. My husband and I felt it would be nice to invite them  and pay for their way into the amusement park since they could not afford to pay on their own; and we felt kind of bad for them not being part of the fun. We were doing good money wise at the time so paying their way  wasn't going to be something that was going to break us, and the park gave a discount if you bought a certain amount of tickets.  So anyway this is what we did.  We all had a great time and the two teenage girls were very happy and grateful we included them. And I had someone to ride the roller coasters with because my husband can't ride them. 

Well my mother in law found out that we paid for their way into the park and she will not let it go. This happen 6 or 7 years ago and to this day she is still criticizing us for paying for the two girl's way into the amusement park!  Criticizing the two girls for not paying us back even though we never asked them nor expected them to do so.

What we did had nothing to do with her. We did not ask her for money or anything at all. I have told her several times that what we did was our business and it was what we wanted to do at the time.  But she continues to being it up criticizing us for spending our money on them. This is  on going and brought up nearly every time we get together. She will not stop. I am unsure as to what is the best way to deal with it or how to make her understand that she is butting into something that was not her business. It is angering me a great deal! 

Thank You and God Bless. 

[woundeddog]

I guess what I would do- is say " Mom, you are absolutely right-- I agree, but don't know what to do.  Would you like to go to church with us this Sunday? we will pick you up so you don't have to drive"~~~~~~~~~~~ in my line of work I get a lot of folks that want to argue-- if you agree with them it takes the wind out of their sails-- then change the subject-- usually works for me-- might work for you

[Churchmouse]

On 2/15/2017 at 11:20 AM, LadyKay said:

Hi. I am once again having an issue with my mother in law and I am unsure as a Christian how I should deal with it. To be blunt I feel like cutting her out of my life altogether. But I do not think that is the Christian thing to do nor do I think it is doable.  Well this is what is going on.   Okay, about 6 or 7 years ago my husband and myself were planing a trip to a local amusement park. We were taking my husband's adult daughter and his granddaughter as well. My husband's daughter has two half sisters who were teenagers at the time. My husband and I felt it would be nice to invite them  and pay for their way into the amusement park since they could not afford to pay on their own; and we felt kind of bad for them not being part of the fun. We were doing good money wise at the time so paying their way  wasn't going to be something that was going to break us, and the park gave a discount if you bought a certain amount of tickets.  So anyway this is what we did.  We all had a great time and the two teenage girls were very happy and grateful we included them. And I had someone to ride the roller coasters with because my husband can't ride them. 

Well my mother in law found out that we paid for their way into the park and she will not let it go. This happen 6 or 7 years ago and to this day she is still criticizing us for paying for the two girl's way into the amusement park!  Criticizing the two girls for not paying us back even though we never asked them nor expected them to do so.

What we did had nothing to do with her. We did not ask her for money or anything at all. I have told her several times that what we did was our business and it was what we wanted to do at the time.  But she continues to being it up criticizing us for spending our money on them. This is  on going and brought up nearly every time we get together. She will not stop. I am unsure as to what is the best way to deal with it or how to make her understand that she is butting into something that was not her business. It is angering me a great deal! 

Thank You and God Bless. 

Why do you believe this when the Bible clearly states, If you right eye offend the, pluck it out?  This goes to the heart of the matter, when the joy and your ability to find peace in your own house is in jeopardy.  Controlling people are just that and no more. They will continue to control you and your emotions as long as they can and they will use any form of coercion, including sympathy, shame and emotional attachments to keep you tethered to them, because it is the high they get from dominating you that they need to make themselves feel alive and relevant.This person is trying to control a situation and those within it because she either has a value system that she wants to shove down you nose and the noses of these two girls or she is just angered that you would spend money on them and maybe, not on her.  No matter what this is manipulative and controlling and should not be allowed to continue.

When you allow such things to continue your are facilitating someone in trying to take your joy away as a person and as a family. God said: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. and he did so in a number of places in the Bible, so i am sure he meant it, because it separates that immediate family and everything they choose to do with everything they have from anyone else, including relatives. You need to protect and defend the joy that god put into your heart, because that joy is by extension given to your husband and his to you, as well as to your kids who need it from you both. If this women is taking it from you, then she is taking it from your children as well. You should keep that in mind every day of your life and understand that your kids are hearing the same thing you are from her and she is inhibiting you from teaching your children how to be the people you have the right to teach them to be, by her placing doubt in their minds.

I can't understand why so many Christian's get caught up in this politically correct ideal that unconditional love does extend to them giving themselves that unconditional love and therefore they have to become a door mat to others. Love is also given to a person by telling them the truth, even though it might hurt them for their own benefit.  What this person is doing is pushing everyone away from them because of the anxiety that she places on them because of her actions.  This will lead her to be a very alone person in a time in her life which may, by virtue of her age be coming to an end and no one should die alone.

There needs to be an adult talk with this women, you may or not want to include these girls unless they are adults and you really need to put a stop to this, because she is making it a bigger and bigger issue of something that is none of her business, let alone the people that she in my opinion is sharing her disdain for your actions. She does not respect you or your husband to your face and such a person will not respect you any more behind your back, as well as undermining your authority with your own children. She is poisoning the well of your spirit and that should be enough to act upon this in a determined manner.

You need to confront her and give her the options that you will grant her in having any contact with you and your children. In that way you will put her in the driver's seat of her own activities and as a control freak she will grasp at that as if she can have some control of the situation. Control freaks thrive on that  and se has thrived on unlimited control of you through your anxiety. The bit and bridle of her mind needs to be cut and she should have the distinction of wither to agree to your stipulations that she keep to her own business and leave you to yours or she will be cut off from your family. This may very well give others in her family the courage to do the same, because I doubt very much wither you are the only victim of her emotional clamps.

Psalm 139:14 sates that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. No one should be able to take that away and she certainly seems to be trying to tell you that you are not. If she chooses to continue then you really need to block her at every front, which includes, Facebook, the internet, cell phones of your entire family and home phones, even snail mail.

God give you the strength to to what you think is in the best interest of a secure and loving family that you and your husband have created in the home you reside in. God bless you.

 

 

Edited February 16, 2017 by Churchmouse

[LadyKay]

1 hour ago, Churchmouse said:

Why do you believe this when the Bible clearly states, If you right eye offend the, pluck it out?  This goes to the heart of the matter, when the joy and your ability to find peace in your own house is in jeopardy.  Controlling people are just that and no more. They will continue to control you and your emotions as long as they can and they will use any form of coercion, including sympathy, shame and emotional attachments to keep you tethered to them, because it is the high they get from dominating you that they need to make themselves feel alive and relevant.This person is trying to control a situation and those within it because she either has a value system that she wants to shove down you nose and the noses of these two girls or she is just angered that you would spend money on them and maybe, not on her.  No matter what this is manipulative and controlling and should not be allowed to continue.

When you allow such things to continue your are facilitating someone in trying to take your joy away as a person and as a family. God said: Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. and he did so in a number of places in the Bible, so i am sure he meant it, because it separates that immediate family and everything they choose to do with everything they have from anyone else, including relatives. You need to protect and defend the joy that god put into your heart, because that joy is by extension given to your husband and his to you, as well as to your kids who need it from you both. If this women is taking it from you, then she is taking it from your children as well. You should keep that in mind every day of your life and understand that your kids are hearing the same thing you are from her and she is inhibiting you from teaching your children how to be the people you have the right to teach them to be, by her placing doubt in their minds.

I can't understand why so many Christian's get caught up in this politically correct ideal that unconditional love does extend to them giving themselves that unconditional love and therefore they have to become a door mat to others. Love is also given to a person by telling them the truth, even though it might hurt them for their own benefit.  What this person is doing is pushing everyone away from them because of the anxiety that she places on them because of her actions.  This will lead her to be a very alone person in a time in her life which may, by virtue of her age be coming to an end and no one should die alone.

There needs to be an adult talk with this women, you may or not want to include these girls unless they are adults and you really need to put a stop to this, because she is making it a bigger and bigger issue of something that is none of her business, let alone the people that she in my opinion is sharing her disdain for your actions. She does not respect you or your husband to your face and such a person will not respect you any more behind your back, as well as undermining your authority with your own children. She is poisoning the well of your spirit and that should be enough to act upon this in a determined manner.

You need to confront her and give her the options that you will grant her in having any contact with you and your children. In that way you will put her in the driver's seat of her own activities and as a control freak she will grasp at that as if she can have some control of the situation. Control freaks thrive on that  and se has thrived on unlimited control of you through your anxiety. The bit and bridle of her mind needs to be cut and she should have the distinction of wither to agree to your stipulations that she keep to her own business and leave you to yours or she will be cut off from your family. This may very well give others in her family the courage to do the same, because I doubt very much wither you are the only victim of her emotional clamps.

Psalm 139:14 sates that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. No one should be able to take that away and she certainly seems to be trying to tell you that you are not. If she chooses to continue then you really need to block her at every front, which includes, Facebook, the internet, cell phones of your entire family and home phones, even snail mail.

God give you the strength to to what you think is in the best interest of a secure and loving family that you and your husband have created in the home you reside in. God bless you.

 

 

Hello Churchmouse thank you for your reply. Over the past 2 years I have started to limit my contact with my mother in law more and more. Manly because she just makes me mad. My husband and I get into disagreements about it because she will call and want us to come over to her house and I don't want to go. Sometimes it is okay but most of the time you just never know. I am starting to understand that what she is doing to me is a form of abuse. Emotional abuse but still abuse. I wouldn't put up with someone who physically abuse me so why would I put up with someone who is emotionally abusing me. Anyway I have much to consider and will seek God's guidance on this matter. 

[LadyKay]

2 hours ago, woundeddog said:

I guess what I would do- is say " Mom, you are absolutely right-- I agree, but don't know what to do.  Would you like to go to church with us this Sunday? we will pick you up so you don't have to drive"~~~~~~~~~~~ in my line of work I get a lot of folks that want to argue-- if you agree with them it takes the wind out of their sails-- then change the subject-- usually works for me-- might work for you

That is sort of what my husband does. He tells me to just agree with everything and tell her she is right and let it go. But me being me, I'm not very good at that. She has been asked to church and she won't go. 

[Guest BacKaran]

One needs to ask... Is this relationship fulfilling in my life or if it sucking the life out of me?

As a Christian, my family of parents and siblings are stuck in what I call the Roman Catholic family dynamic. Parents are always right no matter how wrong they are, the older siblings are always right even when they are wrong and each person is lord over the person younger than them.

I disrupted this dynamic by standing up for myself to my older and younger sister. I was just expected, along with my spouse and children, to follow whatever my sisters said, wanted or planned for the holidays.

No one said anything when my brothers would midss a holiday but the first time I did .. It was after my spouse died, my dad said what? you don't like Roman Catholics anymore ya can't spend the holiday with us? I had spent Christmas eve with my grieving mom in law and called my dad Christmas day... Nice dad, I call to say Merry Christmas and your yelling at me like I'm a child!

It's all about them, money or sarcastic cut downs.

Excuse me, I'm not in my high anymore and I'm living my life for Christ, not you. 

They have been spitting mad ever since... Why? I'm not calling them, have they ever said they miss me? no. I'm the widow and yet they still expect me to be calling them.. depending on them to dump on me.. They are not believers, I have nothing in common with them.

When my hubby and I were born again, that's when we changed the family script and it was a couple of years in the process of letting them go, less stress and less drama. 

If you can hold your tongue and bear with a visit every ten years, you're doing good!

Stand firm on God and yourself. No one needs to be a door mat.

If she brings up the money issue again, say gently. Mom that was right years ago, let it go, thank you.

Just my two cents worth. 

 

 

[Churchmouse]

48 minutes ago, LadyKay said:

Hello Churchmouse thank you for your reply. Over the past 2 years I have started to limit my contact with my mother in law more and more. Manly because she just makes me mad. My husband and I get into disagreements about it because she will call and want us to come over to her house and I don't want to go. Sometimes it is okay but most of the time you just never know. I am starting to understand that what she is doing to me is a form of abuse. Emotional abuse but still abuse. I wouldn't put up with someone who physically abuse me so why would I put up with someone who is emotionally abusing me. Anyway I have much to consider and will seek God's guidance on this matter. 

Your husband is there to love and protect you from all things including his mother. If he will not do that then I suggest you have him look at the scriptures which tell us the duties of the husband and I would go as far as taking it to a minister for counseling. If anything it will make your minister aware that there may be an issue here that might escalate and it needs to be known by at least one authority in the church.  There should be no arguements in your home as it takes two to argue and you should let your husband know that it is detrimental to your spirit that you be n close proximity to your mother.

If he will not confront her about this then he has broken his vows to you and to God that he stated upon marrying you.  If he loves his mother more than you, then he should go back to her and see if he likes what he has to deal with there. It says in the Bible that you must obey your husband, but if he fails to do the duty of the husband then those vows are broken already. I would suggest to you is that is is your duty to protect the family if your husband is not willing, because you don't have a husband. You have a moma's boy that liked the idea of being a man so much that he lied to everyone around him including God just to push himself into something he was not mentally capable of being.

You speak of physical abuse, but you seem not to understand that what effects the mind ultimately effects the body and you can browbeat yourself internally enough that it will effect your body without allowing anyone to touch you physically.

I think that you may be married to a child and raising that child's children and he is more afraid to offend his mother than he is of offending you and in extension to that your kids, as well.

Get help from those that you trust and is in authority of God to instruct you in what you should do, but I would suggest you ready a bag for either you and your children or one for your husband, because there may come a time when one or the other need to leaves and sometimes there is little time to plan anything.  Be prepared in your heart and soul. Prea to God as I am going to pray for you and your husband.

[Ezra]

On 2/15/2017 at 10:20 AM, LadyKay said:

Hi. I am once again having an issue with my mother in law and I am unsure as a Christian how I should deal with it. To be blunt I feel like cutting her out of my life altogether. But I do not think that is the Christian thing to do nor do I think it is doable.

Well as a matter of fact you can and should put your MIL out of your life. This has been going on forever.  There is nothing in Scripture that indicates you have to become a martyr in this matter.  For the Gospel, yes, but for nasty mother-in-laws, no.

Either that, or tell your spineless husband to man up and talk to his mother about this and bring it to an end.  He can put her on notice that she can either accept you for what you are, or neither of you will be seeing her until she repents and asks forgiveness. So this is entirely doable for those who have the courage to do something.

[woundeddog]

1 hour ago, LadyKay said:

me being me, I'm not very good at that.

LOL--- now dont be offended- but I know you have a little bit of a strong willed streak---  A wise old woman once told me to be careful about what hill I want to die on--- now from a purely practical standpoint- you will out live your Mom in law-- just be patient!

[HAZARD]

Just now, Ezra said:

Well as a matter of fact you can and should put your MIL out of your life. This has been going on forever.  There is nothing in Scripture that indicates you have to become a martyr in this matter.  For the Gospel, yes, but for nasty mother-in-laws, no.

Either that, or tell your spineless husband to man up and talk to his mother about this and bring it to an end.  He can put her on notice that she can either accept you for what you are, or neither of you will be seeing her until she repents and asks forgiveness. So this is entirely doable for those who have the courage to do something.

I agree with you totally. My wife endured years of harassment from my mother, which she denied, and which I could have and should have stopped immediately it started.