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My husband has been having an affair for the last year. He told me he broke it off but recently admitted that he never broke it off and is still talking to this woman. I told him to leave and find somewhere else to stay and I began the process for a legal separation. The other woman lives in another country so they have been having an emotional affair but he has met up with her a few times. He says he loves both of us but realizes he can't live like this anymore so he went to go visit her which is where he is now. He says he will know when he gets back from this trip if he should stay in the marriage or pursue this relationship. This has been so crazy to say the least! We've been married 12 years and have 3 children together. My husband is not a believer. I still love my husband and want to this horrible mess to turn our marriage into something better than it was. Anyone been through something similar and have advice? Prayers please. Thank you 

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You would have a Biblical reason to leave the marriage because of the infidelity. You have to think of your self respect. Do you want a husband who has been having sex with another woman? Are you a Christian?Do you think this is what God wants for your marriage?  It is your choice how you pursue your marriage. Do you think you could ever trust him again? What is best for the children?

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I am so sorry to hear your tale. It breaks my heart for you and the children to see a marriage broken so willfully. Corinthians says that the believing wife sanctifies the husband and children. That is a very high and holy function for you. Yet, the other party to the marriage has openly (and secretly) denied the very covenant he committed to. According to Scripture, you are free to end the marriage.

Unfortunately, and you are realizing this, ending the marriage is going to cause all manner of negative things, all of them including the children and yourself and very few of them representing a godly, Christian life. First, because of the current state of things, you are already in a relationship that does not glorify God. Whose fault the situation is, is not the real question. The real question is, "how can I glorify and serve God in this mess?" Either way you go, staying in the marriage, or ending the marriage, is going to be slow and painful to get through. Both options are rife with opportunities for anger, bitterness, sarcasm, loneliness, etc. Having been through two divorces myself, the pain goes on for years, but the emotional and spiritual devastation does not...that's good news.

Your most important asset now, is your grateful heart. Be thankful to God for your children; the current provision for your needs; for His Holy Spirit to act as a guide and Comforter through this trial...and it IS a huge trial. At every opportunity, thank God for your salvation and for the prayers of those that love you. Keeping your heart free from bitterness is key. Bitterness will defile you, your children, your parents, your church; as Hebrews says, the root of bitterness springing up defiles many.

You will have plenty of opportunity to be bitter; you have that "right" to be so because of what your husband has done, and is doing. But the battle for your heart is now between God and Satan. If Satan wins, you will pass on bitterness to your children and that will ultimately cause you much more pain. As much as this hurts, and I know that pain can literally make you crazy....been there, got the merit badge. You must develop a "superactive" prayer life. Not the "now I lay me down to sleep.." kind of prayer, but the "God, I can't take this .." kind of prayer where you get really honest and really real with God. He can handle it. You must allow yourself to "let go" with God and speak out the hurt and devastation you are feeling. If you must blame God, go ahead and let Him have it. The important thing is to let it all out to God (in private). Squeeze yourself like you would a wet sponge. Get all of the poison out....THEN....stick around and listen as God sends comfort, peace, love and encouragement. When a sponge is empty, then it is ready to soak up more stuff. In your case, once you have all the emotional poison out, stick around and let God fill you up with the good stuff. It may not make you feel better for very long, but the more you make a habit of doing this with God, the more often He will fill you with good stuff. And you will begin to enjoy those filling times and it will put your entire life in a place of peace, even though you still hurt.

Next, you must learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is NOT for your husband, it is for you. If you don't forgive him, God cannot forgive you. Now, what is forgiveness? It is NOT approval of anything your husband has done. It is NOT forgetting what he has done. God would never ask that of you. Forgiveness is an act of choice (despite how you feel). You choose to allow God to hold your husband accountable for his sin, because you choose NOT to take on the burden of being responsible for what he has done or its effects on you and the children. This is a hard thing to understand and even harder to do because forgiveness is NOT a one-time action...it is a process. You must choose to forgive him over and over until you can bless him without reservation (as a child of God). That is why Jesus told Peter he must forgive 7 times 70. Forgiveness is the process that frees our heart from responsibility for those who hurt us. This is not a short process; it took me 11 years to forgive my ex-wife completely. But it IS necessary. Remember, choose to forgive and keep choosing until your heart is totally free.

Find a group of solid, praying Christians who will love you no matter how emotionally disgusting you get. I have been crazy in pain and bitterness, yet my friends prayed for me and loved on me when I was totally disgusting. They kept loving me until God was able to heal me enough to become normal again. This is vital because if you don't have it, you will "go off the rails" believing nobody loves you and you will warp your children. Get them into a good church with a good teaching program or youth program to give them what they are missing by having a "missing" father. Because he has been "carrying on", he has already been absent, so you are operating from a bit of a deficit already. Take heart, give your children to Jesus, sanctify them as holy, and let Him minister to them.

Now, as to the marriage itself. IF he comes to his senses and wants to return, you get to dictate conditions. First, he only moves back in AFTER several sessions with a Christian counselor. Second, whether he believes or not, he will accompany the family to church every week. Third, you will have unfettered access to all of his email, social media, text accounts OR he will have an accountability partner that does. These are tall orders. But they are necessary if you are ever going to be able to trust him again. As to physical intimacy, that is something you will have to pray about and get counsel about because that part of your marriage is necessary to the marriage but not the highest priority at present. Yet without it, the temptation for him (and you) to stray will always be there.

You have my prayers. I actually wrote a book called, "The Marriage Triangle, God's Geometry for a Healthy Marriage". It's on amazon if you want some reading.

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So sorry to hear about this. I'm praying for your situation. It sounds like you'd like to try to stick it out and work things out with him, if he's willing. If so, then I'd advise you to get good, strong marriage counseling from a pastor or professional Christian marriage counselor. God bless!

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Guest bonnieschamberger

I am so sorry you are experiencing this and yes I have experienced the same thing....in my situation I did leave him and get a divorce but instead of getting into all that and because I am not a licensed professional I prefer to refer people to this thing I listen to everyday on xm family talk ...its a show called new life live and it comes on at noon on xm family talk but you can also listen to them online I will insert the link....these are christian psychiatrists/counselors/psychologists and they take calls .Ive been hooked for over 5 year now and I cant tell you how helpful its been.

http://newlife.com/broadcasts/

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Praying for you and your family. The previous advice given here is excellent. May God give you His wisdom in this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

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I am sorry to hear of the devastating storm hitting your marriage. While I can't offer any similar experiences since I am single I wanted to stop and agree with you in prayer - may God give you beauty for ashes.

 

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