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Hi Bornagain,

I'm a Christian woman who has not dated a Christian man and after reading these kind of things about what goes on, I am wondering what the difference is between a secular and Christian man these days..

Christian married men and women should Not be texting other married folk of opposite sex regardless of how long you've known each other. This is totally and knowingly wanting to speak to this person, while side stepping their spouse - call it flirting, committing adultery of the mind , whatever - it should not be happening.

As a Christian woman, surely you know deep down you are cheating on your husband and he on his wife. 

You both  need to stop playing games before you completely  ruin lives. You are feeling flattered obviously by the attention but honestly, this is so wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

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28 minutes ago, HisFirst said:

Hi Bornagain,

I'm a Christian woman who has not dated a Christian man and after reading these kind of things about what goes on, I am wondering what the difference is between a secular and Christian man these days..

Christian married men and women should Not be texting other married folk of opposite sex regardless of how long you've known each other. This is totally and knowingly wanting to speak to this person, while side stepping their spouse - call it flirting, committing adultery of the mind , whatever - it should not be happening.

As a Christian woman, surely you know deep down you are cheating on your husband and he on his wife. 

You both  need to stop playing games before you completely  ruin lives. You are feeling flattered obviously by the attention but honestly, this is so wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

I would give this advice two reputation points if I could! :) 

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16 hours ago, HisFirst said:

Hi Bornagain,

I'm a Christian woman who has not dated a Christian man and after reading these kind of things about what goes on, I am wondering what the difference is between a secular and Christian man these days..

Christian married men and women should Not be texting other married folk of opposite sex regardless of how long you've known each other. This is totally and knowingly wanting to speak to this person, while side stepping their spouse - call it flirting, committing adultery of the mind , whatever - it should not be happening.

As a Christian woman, surely you know deep down you are cheating on your husband and he on his wife. 

You both  need to stop playing games before you completely  ruin lives. You are feeling flattered obviously by the attention but honestly, this is so wrong.

 

 

 

 

 

Absolutely! I can see now that this is wrong no matter what. I just made excuses for it. 

For example, his wife never responds to texts so I end up texting him, "am I still on nursery duty tomorrow? " . sometimes that would be the end of it but sometimes it would be like 3 more texts back and forth. All very innocent of course, but still innapropriate to be texting at all in the first place. 

I just created a new joint Facebook account with my husband, deleted the old one, and blocked the man and his wife so they can't find me or message me. The only problem now is what do i say when they confront me about it? My husband said he will talk to him.

I don't believe the guy is doing anything outright wrong. He is in ministry and is very involved in the community so he talks to women all the time. I don't think he thinks that's crossing a line. Their marital boundaries are broad.

 

But Im taking steps to distance myself and busy myself with my family. I've also been reading my bible again and praying more. I think doing these things will help lessen my feelings. 

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2 hours ago, bornagain2011 said:

Absolutely! I can see now that this is wrong no matter what. I just made excuses for it. 

For example, his wife never responds to texts so I end up texting him, "am I still on nursery duty tomorrow? " . sometimes that would be the end of it but sometimes it would be like 3 more texts back and forth. All very innocent of course, but still innapropriate to be texting at all in the first place. 

I just created a new joint Facebook account with my husband, deleted the old one, and blocked the man and his wife so they can't find me or message me. The only problem now is what do i say when they confront me about it? My husband said he will talk to him.

I don't believe the guy is doing anything outright wrong. He is in ministry and is very involved in the community so he talks to women all the time. I don't think he thinks that's crossing a line. Their marital boundaries are broad.

 

But Im taking steps to distance myself and busy myself with my family. I've also been reading my bible again and praying more. I think doing these things will help lessen my feelings. 

I'm glad you're taking steps. You have to. 

Talking about ministry,  my pastor from a few years ago would take his wife along with him when having to speak to other wonen. I highly admire that trait in a Christian man - he didn't  leave himself in a vulnerable position.

I still don't agree with you texting him about about nursery roster - deal with his wife only. If she doesn't text, then ring her or email her - better yet, a printed roster given to you.

Its all very flattering getting attention from a man but when it's not your husband (and you are responding) its sin. Simple.

 

Edited by HisFirst
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Here's a bit of an update,

There is another Baptist church in our town that we are going to check out next week. I am pretty excited about it, the children's ministry there looks great! And they have more adult bible studies. And they go out into the community and evangelize, which is a huge plus! 

I talked to the pastor's wife again (the wife of the senior pastor, not the associate pastor that I like), I told her we are going to try out the other church, she said she personally felt like I didn't have to leave. But I told her I am too distracted and can't properly worship. I agreed with her that I could come back to visit in the future, or when my feelings die down I could try coming back. I don't know if they will ever go away. I don't think they will.

I have a really good trusted friend in the church who I talk to, she is close friends with the senior pastor and his wife. She didn't want Satan to be driving me away from the church family and those that could help me. She knows the guy and his wife very well, and told me about how he still texts her even after she told him it's innapropriate. 

She said if he asks me a pointed question like "why did you block me from your Facebook?" I should have my husband with me and say "I have innapropriate feelings for you." But I shouldn't feel obligated to say anything. But she said if I do say something it should be a pointed truth, as long as my husband is with me. 

She told me that there has been a lot of infidelity within our church. Families broken up and people leaving. Including friends in their close clique of friends. She had a group of 5 couples including this man and his wife, and a few of these couples ended up having affairs and destroyed everything. So she no longer talks to any of them. I told I didn't believe this guy was one of them or else he wouldn't be allowed to be an associate pastor. She shrugged and brushed it off.

 

It makes me think, why am I in this particular church when even the leaders are living in sin?

Ok, I better get going. 

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Guest Thallasa
On ‎12‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 9:10 PM, bornagain2011 said:

Miss muffet,

I don't want it to happen. This is not fun for me. It's a battle.

I talked to the pastor's wife this morning and told her everything, even how im considering leaving the church. Her and the pastor are going to talk about this and see how they can advise me and help me.

I didn't talk to the guy at church today, but he sat across the isle from me. I quickly left after service and didn't mingle with anyone. 

The pastor's wife didn't make me feel like a big horrible sinner, she agreed it is a difficult situation and will require prayer and action. She said this happens sometimes and im not the first. She was happy that I am struggling against this and not thinking its some fun thing. 

I am a little anxious to hear back from her. It felt good to release that guilt and burden. I look forward to hearing what she has to say.

I have tried on my own to fix this and stop my feelings. I quit church for a month, deleted his number from my phone, deleted him off of Facebook, and made things very awkward by completely ignoring him and walking away from him at church. 

He still ended up texting me questions, still tried to talk to me at church. I understand, we went from being best friends as couples (even driving across the country together on a roadtrip this last summer) to completely ignoring them. No doubt he probably felt like he had a right to know what was going on.

So I eased up a little and started saying hi to him and his wife only when my husband was present. And then he would come up to us and i would walk away so he could talk to my husband. I have been doing all this stuff just waiting for the feelings to go away. Now im stuck thinking they may never go away, I will have to silently suffer the guilt and awkwardness forever. 

 

This is not fun for me. My flesh wants it to be. But the real me inside hates this. And im tired of the fight as well. I just want it to stop and go away.

It sounds to me, as though your husband needs a good talking to , and needs to be attentive to you as a woman . That is not just a wife ,but a girlfriend _a bit of loving flattery would go a long way ,and another apology .:emot-highfive:

Doing some nice things together away from the Church Dinner in a nice restaurant ,theatre ,walks by  the beach or equivalent ,a good concert .

If I could meet him , I would tell him off .:fryingpan: 

Edited by Thallasa
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Thallasa, I believe time away from the church will help my husband and I grow closer together. I would be blunt with the other guy, let's call him S for now. So, I would be blunt with S, but he is only doing things that can be easily dismissed as me taking it the wrong way. That's what's so crazy making about all this. If S was outright flirting or making passes I could be bolder. Last night though, might need an interpretation. 

So, I went to the Rock and Worship Roadshow here in Washington state, I take my girls to this each year. I knew S and his wife C would be there with some youth kids. So, I prayed before hand that I wouldn't run into them and I could just focus on worshipping and stay connected in the spirit.

I didn't think we would run into them with thousands of others there, plus we had fast passes which puts us in an early entrance line way down the hill from general admission,  which is where I knew they would be. So we got in and were allowed first picks of the seats. We ended up sitting really close to the stage on the right side. After about twenty or thirty minutes the general admissions people came in and took their seats. Ya, guess who just so happened to be sitting just down the row from us? S and his wife. Out of all the seats there they sat in my row about 15 seats down. This is a concert hall, a huge arena with thousands of seats.

C texted me very excitedly and asked where I was sitting, I told her to look to her left. She was so happy to see us. So, during the concert she was texting me, and I would text her too. And when her husband S texted me I didn't respond. I felt like a jerk, because she was checking her phone and he was checking his, but I was only talking to her. Awkward.

One of the bands that played Family Force 5 was really silly, and I didn't understand their music or clashing outfits, I made a joke to C about it. I mention this because it will come back later in my story.

During one of the breaks I went out to buy water for my girls because they were dying of thirst ;) . I bought the water and started heading back to the concert, I noticed S at a table out in the big area where I was, it looked like he was reading something and he was all alone. I Turned and started walking away faster and pretended i didn't see him. But I saw him look up toward me. But I was already too far away at that point for him to talk to me. I was happy I fled, but at the same time my flesh is kicking itself saying I could have actually talked alone with him. I wonder what he would have said. But see, this is exactly why I need to just cut this off. I have a tiny bit of self control. The rest is only when I rely on God.

I know he saw me, but I don't know if he knows I saw him first.

Anyways, during 15 minute intermission I took my daughters with me to get a t shirt for my husband. We passed that same table area, I knew S was there with the youth kids, but the traffic was so high it separated us from that side. I acted like I couldn't see him. But on the way back he called out my name. I ignores at first, but he called my name again while dodging around people to get to me. He made a joke about giving the lead singer of family force 5 my number. I just said ha ha funny! He said that it was so weird that we ended up sitting a close to eachother and how did that happen? I said we were fast pass people so we had our seats for a while. He asked where my husband was, and I told him it was just us girls tonight. I made some joke about them dying of starvation and thirst. He quickly walked off and I was like ok see you later. But he can be strange like that.

So, I was still trying to stay in the spirit and worship when the music began, but I honestly couldn't. Knowing he could see me, and thinking about everything he said and did. I was too distracted. So I sat and snuggled with my daughters who were getting sleepy.

A lot of people left the concert early, the whole section where S and C were sitting were gone a good 30 minutes before the show was over. So we got back on the highway heading home, and Im trying to stay awake for this 90 minute drive. We still have 30 minutes left of the drive and this crazy bus is coming up beside us. It's making me nervous because it wants to pass me during a turn and Im just trying not to fall asleep. While it passes I read the side. Ya. It's the bus for our church. Somehow, despite them leaving the concert early they are in front of me now all the way back home. What are the odds.

I kept thinking, what are the odds of all of this? The seats being so close? Is this a test from God? I think I got a C- . mostly because of my thoughts and how I shouldn't have responded to C's first text to begin with. But I felt like maybe she was testing me. It was obvious where I was. 

Im just glad (and a little sad) that I probably wont be seeing them for a long time. I miss us all being friends. But it can't be like that again. And I will miss the attention he gives me but at the same time I will be happy to not have to worry about this all the time or expend so much mental and emotional energy on all of this. I can focus on God, my husband, and my 3 children. 

If I can be completely honest and transparent here, I would say that this feels like a breakup. It's painful. But I know if I were to allow this to run it's natural course meaning allowing the texting etc. That it would only lead to either frustration from unmet desire, or heartbreak and lives destroyed from adultery. I can't do that. So this bit of heartbreak now is better than huge major hurt later for both of our families. 

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So, I wanted to give another update.

I realized that my problem didn't have to do with S. It has to do with my personal relationship with God. Since my last post I've started reading the Bible and praying throughout the day, my husband and I have been praying together as well. I haven't really thought about S, and I can tell my feelings have died down.

We are still switching churches though, at least for a while.

 

We have been seeing God do amazing things daily :) .

I have been leaving my Bible open in a centralized location and reading scripture off and on all day. I've been calling it "snacking on his Word." my husband and I have gained a lot of insights from Paul's letters to the churches. God is showing us some pretty neat stuff!

This was a quick update, we are heading to some friends house now.

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That is an encouraging update! I still get the feeling though, from all that you have shared, that "S" needs to examine himself as well. This thing of him texting females and the joking, familiarity with them is not a good situation. It can get out of control real quick. Take it from someone who's been there...

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True. My husband and I prayed for him and his wife. It seems they fill their lives with so many ministry activities that they don't actually connect with eachother or stay in the Word. I don't want to judge. But they seem pretty worldly. 

I have been doing so good the last few days that I think maybe in a few months I might be able to go back. If I can just train my thoughts and take every thought captive then I can come back and rejoin my church family. Or is this perhaps the enemy tricking me into going back into a toxic and tempting situation? Hmm. Hard to tell from this vantage point, this is where being always in the Word and prayer is going to guide me in my decision. 

I think my best course of action, and what I feel the Spirit leading me to do is to just wait on the Lord for His leading, flee from the temptation right now, and reconnect with my husband and with God. 

Oh, I also talked to the pastor's wife again. I will call her L, and my pastor A. She said she was glad I called because she was going to call me. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I felt a little silly because it's starting to become a non issue as I grow closer the Jesus and my husband. But I also know from experience that when I think I've "conquered"  something that's when the enemy or my flesh try to cause me to stumble. 

Something happened yesterday that gave me lots of hope that God is indeed working on me; my husband and I talked about how it should be ok for me to still participate in the women's bible study on Wednesdays at the church. So I checked the church bulletin to make sure I knew the times, and that's when I saw that apparently S and his wife had started a youth group thing on those nights at the same time and same place. 

Now, I could have listened to my flesh and kept this as a secret from my husband and acted surprised after the fact, but I told him the truth. I told him the youth group stuff had been moved to Wednesdays and so if I were to go to the women's bible study I would see S. So I just can't do that right now. Maybe in a few months. This would be another thing to pray about. 

And I also will have to pray about what to tell them when they realize I don't have them as Facebook friends on my new profile (if they figure out i have a new one). I pray God will give me the words to say. I already know what to say about not going to church, we are taking some time away.

I might keep updating as things move along. It keeps me accountable, and also if someone else has this struggle this can maybe be a source of encouragement. 

Please keep praying for me whoever reads this. And pray for S and C too. Pray they can cleave to eachother and grow together and closer to God. 

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