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Crush on man at church


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This is going to be hard to write. I already feel like a horrible person. But here goes...

 

There is a guy at church that I've had a crush on for over a year now. Him and his wife are good family friends of my husband and I. There is a long history between my husband and them. This man is very involved in youth ministry. He is the associate pastor at our church and is also the youth pastor.

God has placed on my heart last year to be involved in youth ministry. So I started volunteering at our local youth outreach place. Well, he heard about that and started showing up the same nights I was. And then I find out that he used to work for them. This is a long story, but basically the guy who runs this place told him to be home with his family, so what does he do? Joins a bowling league on those nights instead.

 

So this makes me think he isn't happy in his marriage because he never wants to be home. Their marriage has been a mess before which makes him more susceptible to infidelity. I also noticed that he started looking at me last year after I lost a bunch of weight. I thought I was crazy, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye looking at me, and then he would come over and talk to me. 

I have told my husband all of this, my feelings and everything. We have talked about this a lot and dissected it. Basically what we figured out was that I get bored and lonely, and I am not used to male attention. So, we figured all that out, but now what do i do? We have a meeting with the pastor and deacons tomorrow to become official members so I can start teaching Sunday school. But how do I make these feelings go away? Sometimes they simmer down, and sometimes they are heated up again. He has texted me before about "important stuff", he doesn't text my husband because he isn't involved in ministry things. 

 

I really want to get over this. My husband has told me I should just tell this guy my feelings and say we can't talk anymore. First of all the last thing I want to do is put it out on the table, because what if he reciprocates? Secondly I don't want him to hate me! That could definetly happen! Or his wife who is a friend of mine would end up hating me too. This feels so high schoolish. 

 

We've considered switching churches, but this is our family. I would hate to lose all that just because of one person, and what if there are problems at a new church? Wouldn't it be better for me to just learn to get over it? 

 

I know I wouldn't do anything physical, but I don't really trust myself not to text or get emotionally close. He is very outgoing and talkative. I try to focus on his negative qualities though. 

I took my Facebook off of my tablet so I don't have access to it right now, I kept looking at his Facebook page every day. I don't want to keep giving in to temptation. I deleted him off of Facebook at one point, but he found out about it, which was awkward because to tell the truth would be to sin, so I just had to laugh it off and say it was a long story. After he asked a few times he gave up. I hate lying, but in that situation lying was a better sin than telling the truth.

I need help with this. There is so much more to say. But after tonight I feel its urgent. Its hard to explain, but tonight during a youth event we gave eachother a look. It was an accident on my part. I was talking intensely to someone about a new ministry i wanted to start, so I had a serious look on my face, and then he walked past my table and we locked eyes, it was weird, the look he gave me, it was like a stare. Anyways, im probably reading way too much into it. 

I know I need to just flee temptation, but sometimes even that is hard. The thing that makes it even harder is that my husband had an emotional affair two years ago and I still feel bitterness about that. He hasn't been fully repentant. And I feel like he got away with it because he didn't know he was doing bad, but I can't "get away with it". 

 

What do I do? Sorry this is so long, there is just a lot to tell. 

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My personal thoughts on this...RUN the other way. If it means leaving that church, I would do it. I really don't believe any good can come out of talking out our feelings with the other party. There are other good churches, there are other ministries to get involved with. And, start to deal with your own feelings, which it seems like you already have.

I am a minister, and I work closely with people. I MAKE sure that I am not alone with a female at any time. If my wife cannot be with me, then another brother is with me. Obviously, there are those instances when I can get "cornered", but I do all I can to eliminate those circumstances.

I know my background, I know what I came out of, and temptation is all too easy a trap to fall into.

I commend you for sharing this thing with your husband, and it sounds like he handled it well. Draw closer to your husband, and guard that wandering eye.

God Bless...

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Thank you! I really am seriously looking into leaving the church. I am just not strong enough to deal with this temptation. It really doesn't help that I think he likes me as well. 

 

I was thinking about talking to the senior pastor's wife this morning about it. I trust her very much and have confided in her before. 

I am a little scared to leave the church because of what the guy and his wife and others would say. I just went to a teaching class they were doing yesterday so that I could become a Sunday school teacher and we were brainstorming ideas to make the church better and reach out to people. Im afraid they will see me as a flake. But I shouldn't care if I'm doing the right thing.

I talked to my husband again this morning, he just wants to do whatever will help the situation. He doesn't get mad about it, he understands.

 

Thank you for your help! I will update the situation later :)

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8 hours ago, bornagain2011 said:

This is going to be hard to write. I already feel like a horrible person. But here goes...

 

There is a guy at church that I've had a crush on for over a year now. Him and his wife are good family friends of my husband and I. There is a long history between my husband and them. This man is very involved in youth ministry. He is the associate pastor at our church and is also the youth pastor.

God has placed on my heart last year to be involved in youth ministry. So I started volunteering at our local youth outreach place. Well, he heard about that and started showing up the same nights I was. And then I find out that he used to work for them. This is a long story, but basically the guy who runs this place told him to be home with his family, so what does he do? Joins a bowling league on those nights instead. Maybe you are giving your feelings and emotions too much power.They can be very unreliable.

 

So this makes me think he isn't happy in his marriage because he never wants to be home. Their marriage has been a mess before which makes him more susceptible to infidelity. I also noticed that he started looking at me last year after I lost a bunch of weight. I thought I was crazy, but I could see him out of the corner of my eye looking at me, and then he would come over and talk to me. 

I have told my husband all of this, my feelings and everything. We have talked about this a lot and dissected it. Basically what we figured out was that I get bored and lonely, and I am not used to male attention. So, we figured all that out, but now what do i do? We have a meeting with the pastor and deacons tomorrow to become official members so I can start teaching Sunday school. But how do I make these feelings go away? Sometimes they simmer down, and sometimes they are heated up again. He has texted me before about "important stuff", he doesn't text my husband because he isn't involved in ministry things. 

 

I really want to get over this. My husband has told me I should just tell this guy my feelings and say we can't talk anymore. First of all the last thing I want to do is put it out on the table, because what if he reciprocates? Secondly I don't want him to hate me! That could definetly happen! Or his wife who is a friend of mine would end up hating me too. This feels so high schoolish. 

 

We've considered switching churches, but this is our family. I would hate to lose all that just because of one person, and what if there are problems at a new church? Wouldn't it be better for me to just learn to get over it? 

 

I know I wouldn't do anything physical, but I don't really trust myself not to text or get emotionally close. He is very outgoing and talkative. I try to focus on his negative qualities though. 

I took my Facebook off of my tablet so I don't have access to it right now, I kept looking at his Facebook page every day. I don't want to keep giving in to temptation. I deleted him off of Facebook at one point, but he found out about it, which was awkward because to tell the truth would be to sin, so I just had to laugh it off and say it was a long story. After he asked a few times he gave up. I hate lying, but in that situation lying was a better sin than telling the truth.

I need help with this. There is so much more to say. But after tonight I feel its urgent. Its hard to explain, but tonight during a youth event we gave eachother a look. It was an accident on my part. I was talking intensely to someone about a new ministry i wanted to start, so I had a serious look on my face, and then he walked past my table and we locked eyes, it was weird, the look he gave me, it was like a stare. Anyways, im probably reading way too much into it. 

I know I need to just flee temptation, but sometimes even that is hard. The thing that makes it even harder is that my husband had an emotional affair two years ago and I still feel bitterness about that. He hasn't been fully repentant. And I feel like he got away with it because he didn't know he was doing bad, but I can't "get away with it". 

 

What do I do? Sorry this is so long, there is just a lot to tell. 

The man is married.You are married.  Why would you want to cause both you and him to take a very dangerous leap into infidelity? That is good that you and your husband can talk about your feelings on this.First and foremost you need to give this whole situation to God and stay in continual prayer regarding your feelings.God will not allow us to be tempted more than we can bear 1 Corinthians 10:13. Have you considered talking to your Pastor? Satan is right there hoping that you will give into your temptation. Maybe going to a Christian counselor? Leaving the Church is an option but what if you get a crush on someone at that Church? Finding comfortable Churches is difficult to find today.

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Miss muffet,

I don't want it to happen. This is not fun for me. It's a battle.

I talked to the pastor's wife this morning and told her everything, even how im considering leaving the church. Her and the pastor are going to talk about this and see how they can advise me and help me.

I didn't talk to the guy at church today, but he sat across the isle from me. I quickly left after service and didn't mingle with anyone. 

The pastor's wife didn't make me feel like a big horrible sinner, she agreed it is a difficult situation and will require prayer and action. She said this happens sometimes and im not the first. She was happy that I am struggling against this and not thinking its some fun thing. 

I am a little anxious to hear back from her. It felt good to release that guilt and burden. I look forward to hearing what she has to say.

I have tried on my own to fix this and stop my feelings. I quit church for a month, deleted his number from my phone, deleted him off of Facebook, and made things very awkward by completely ignoring him and walking away from him at church. 

He still ended up texting me questions, still tried to talk to me at church. I understand, we went from being best friends as couples (even driving across the country together on a roadtrip this last summer) to completely ignoring them. No doubt he probably felt like he had a right to know what was going on.

So I eased up a little and started saying hi to him and his wife only when my husband was present. And then he would come up to us and i would walk away so he could talk to my husband. I have been doing all this stuff just waiting for the feelings to go away. Now im stuck thinking they may never go away, I will have to silently suffer the guilt and awkwardness forever. 

 

This is not fun for me. My flesh wants it to be. But the real me inside hates this. And im tired of the fight as well. I just want it to stop and go away.

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10 minutes ago, bornagain2011 said:

Miss muffet,

I don't want it to happen. This is not fun for me. It's a battle.

I talked to the pastor's wife this morning and told her everything, even how im considering leaving the church. Her and the pastor are going to talk about this and see how they can advise me and help me.

I didn't talk to the guy at church today, but he sat across the isle from me. I quickly left after service and didn't mingle with anyone. 

The pastor's wife didn't make me feel like a big horrible sinner, she agreed it is a difficult situation and will require prayer and action. She said this happens sometimes and im not the first. She was happy that I am struggling against this and not thinking its some fun thing. 

I am a little anxious to hear back from her. It felt good to release that guilt and burden. I look forward to hearing what she has to say.

I have tried on my own to fix this and stop my feelings. I quit church for a month, deleted his number from my phone, deleted him off of Facebook, and made things very awkward by completely ignoring him and walking away from him at church. 

He still ended up texting me questions, still tried to talk to me at church. I understand, we went from being best friends as couples (even driving across the country together on a roadtrip this last summer) to completely ignoring them. No doubt he probably felt like he had a right to know what was going on.

So I eased up a little and started saying hi to him and his wife only when my husband was present. And then he would come up to us and i would walk away so he could talk to my husband. I have been doing all this stuff just waiting for the feelings to go away. Now im stuck thinking they may never go away, I will have to silently suffer the guilt and awkwardness forever. 

 

This is not fun for me. My flesh wants it to be. But the real me inside hates this. And im tired of the fight as well. I just want it to stop and go away.

That is good. It sounds like your are working on your issue. I do know that you do not want it to happen. Do you think that this guy is encouraging you to have a relationship with him? You will have to be the aggressive one and give him no notice. It does feel good when we can pray to God and give all of our problems to Him instead of trying to control our lives. It is like a lifting of a great weight that we have been carrying around. I am glad that your Pastor and his wife are helping you. I will pray for you :th_praying:

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Hi bornagain.

You are married, you told your husband, he is understanding and being helpful, you told your pastor and his wife, they are helpful, now when the opportunity arises, go to this man and face to face tell him, you get the feeling he is trying to form a personal relationship with you.  

Then tell him you are not interested in any way, shape, or form outside of the church and its functions, of having a personal private relationship with him.

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Miss Muffet, 

Thank you for your prayers :) . I don't think he is encouraging any type of relationship, but I get some body language cues. I think if I were to just be like "hey I like you" ( which I would never do) he would be like a good Christian man and be utterly disgusted. But maybe secretly intrigued. I don't think he would ever do anything,  but he definitely doesn't really have hedges around his marriage. 

Hazard, 

If this man is even remotely attracted to me wouldn't telling him my feelings plant a seed? Wouldn't it create desire?

I don't think I am even brave enough to confront him, and I wouldn't want to be alone with him telling him all this. 

I talked to my husband about my talk with the pastor's wife. He was happy I did and told me it might be a few weeks before they get back to me. I asked my husband for his advice, what would he do in my situation? He is a more logical thinker, he said if he was attracted to a woman at church he wouldn't talk to her very much. I told him that that is why I thought talking to him was safe because I wasn't physically attracted to him, and im still not that physically attracted to him. 

So I didn't really get a good male perspective from my husband. I think maybe a lot of men think it's safe to have crushes, even intense ones because they think "I wont do anything". Is this correct? 

 

 

I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be laying it all out there right now and baring my soul. I feel immature and childish. I think what I need to do is get back into the Word and pray more. All of this has made me too ashamed to connect with God right now. I am disgusted by myself. 

 

Feel free anyone to rebuke or tear me apart. I could use it.

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I don't think he is encouraging any type of relationship, but I get some body language cues.

...careful... A thought becomes a toehold...then a foothold...then a stronghold...then destruction. I see this. I know this. Entertaining thoughts - ouch.

I am a male with a "recovered" wandering eye, so I know how this thing works. That cute girl at church.....forbidden fruit...for me.

 

I pm'ed you - pm back if you wish...

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I think you read my thoughts! I shouldn't even be entertaining the thoughts that he may like me, or dissecting his body language. I can tell from your response (besides the fact you said so) that you have experience in this very thing.

It's hard being a Christian, not only can't we even look, but we can't even think sinful thoughts! We are held up to such a high standard.

I read your pm, I will respond as soon as I can :) .

 

I was telling pastor's wife that I never hear about these struggles in the church, I hear about adultery though. And then after that happens people say "oh they weren't saved to begin with". 

 

My husband and I agreed that if he texts me I will say "do you still have my husband's number? " and then I would give it to him. That's what he said he would do in my situation.

I will go ahead and read your pm again and send you one. Thank you so much for your help!

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