Bicycle Posted April 2, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 1 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 0 Content Per Day: 0.00 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/02/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted April 2, 2017 So I've been dating my girlfriend for a few years and we recently got engaged. She then told me of how she was raped back in high school by an abusive boyfriend. It's not her fault that he attecked her in that way but a part of me just doesn't sit right. She isn't marred or dirty in any way but I feel like I should've been the one to be able to take her virginity after we get married. I myself am a virgin and believed she was too until then. It's not that my feelings toward her have changed in any way we still love each other very much and still plan on getting married. She expressed to me how sorry she was for not being able to give me that part of her when we got married but I know it's not her fault. He was the last guy she dated before she met me and I actually knew him. All of this makes me angry with him and I know I'm supposed to love my enemies and pray for those who persecute me but it just eats me that any man would defile her in that way. I want to know what to do with my feelings, how should I cope with this? Is there anything I can do to help myself forgive him? When we enter that intimate place after marriage that is what will be on my mind and I don't want it to effect our intimacy in any way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneLight Posted April 2, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 22 Topic Count: 1,294 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 31,762 Content Per Day: 5.24 Reputation: 9,760 Days Won: 115 Joined: 09/14/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted April 2, 2017 Give it to God and allow Him to work in your heart. There is no other way to deal with such pain. Please take the time to introduce yourself in the Welcome Forum. I will move this to the appropriate forum once you have 3 or more posts. You can gain them very quickly in the Welcome Forum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Behold Posted April 4, 2017 Group: Mars Hill Followers: 7 Topic Count: 87 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 3,795 Content Per Day: 1.35 Reputation: 6 Days Won: 3 Joined: 07/30/2016 Status: Offline Share Posted April 4, 2017 Bicycle, In this situation, you only need to see it with new eyes. 1.) By loving her unconditionally, you are allowing her to be healed in an area of great damage, and in fact your unconditional love and acceptance of her, regarding this event that happened to her, is exactly what will heal her . However, If you persist in only thinking about what matters to you, then you actually allow the damage she received to continue to harm her life. 2.) Treat her as you would want to be treated, if you were her, and had this event happened to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BacKaran Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 Hi, I commend her for telling you the truth. Please see a Christian counselor if you have lingering questions. May God bless you both. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Willa Posted April 6, 2017 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 68 Topic Count: 185 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 14,224 Content Per Day: 3.33 Reputation: 16,647 Days Won: 30 Joined: 08/14/2012 Status: Offline Share Posted April 6, 2017 You will have the privilege of making sex what is should be for her in Christ. To give her pleasure instead of pain, love instead of fear, patience and caring instead of selfishness, enjoyment instead of loathing, in righteousness inside of marriage instead of in sin and guilt. What she went through was the worst kind of selfish abuse--the worst kind of invasion. So God is giving you the opportunity to be something beautiful in her life that brings healing to her and blessing. The person who abused her should be in prison. Vengeance is mine, says the Lord. I will repay. Rom 12:17 AMP Repay no one evil for evil, but take thought for what is honest and proper and noble [aiming to be above reproach] in the sight of everyone. [Pro 20:22] Rom 12:18 If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Rom 12:19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God's] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord. [Deu 32:35] Rom 12:20 But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals upon his head. [Pro 25:21-22] Rom 12:21 Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good. This is a difficult lesson. But purpose in your heart that should you encounter this person, that you might share the Gospel with him. And should you never see him that others might share God's love and forgiveness with him. Meanwhile pray that God might prepare his heart to receive it. You might feel like Jonah and not want the guy to be saved. But ask that God help you to be willing, since you don't want to end up in the belly of a whale. Eph 4:26 AMP When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down. Eph 4:27 Leave no [such] room or foothold for the devil [give no opportunity to him]. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jayne Posted April 6, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 16 Topic Count: 105 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 3,803 Content Per Day: 1.29 Reputation: 4,779 Days Won: 2 Joined: 03/31/2016 Status: Offline Share Posted April 6, 2017 Hi, Bicycle - I am very sorry what what has happened to your girlfriend. I'm 55 years old - I don't know everything in this world, but I do have some wisdom to share. [1] If the loss of a very tiny, thin piece of tissue at the opening of a women's private area means that she is not a virgin anymore, then there are lots of girls and women who have never had sex who are not virgins. This tiny tissue, the hymen, doesn't actually "break" as some think of breaking, but stretches and can have a tiny tear that might cause some bleeding, but many times does not. Injuries can cause this stretching also. Too strenuous of exercise such as hard core gymnastics at a young age and more can cause a young girl's hymen to stretch improperly and maybe tear. Also, young girls who do not know how to properly use and change female products can hurt themselves - I won't get into that. Please don't place too much value on this tiny piece of tissue which is still going to be there, only stretched. [2] If she has been to the doctor for a pap smear, then the instruments used might have stretched that tissue, not always - depending on the shape and detail of it. That certainly doesn't mean she isn't a virgin anymore. [3] This tissue is shaped different and looks different on every woman. Not every woman's tissue stretches or tears during first time sex because not every girl's or woman's membrane completely covers the opening. Many have holes in them that just stretch. Not every woman bleeds. Not every woman experiences pain. Across the centuries, some women have been labeled as sexually immoral by ignorance when they did not cry out in pain or bleed during their first sexual experience. [4] Please think about changing your mindset that you are "taking" something from her on your wedding night. If anything, she is giving you her purity in body and spirit. Think instead of yourself as sharing something with her. If men - and women - continue to think of wedding nights as husbands "taking" something from their new wives, then this is why some men - not you - but some men won't marry a woman who is not a virgin and feels they are defiled in some way. They get far too focused on that minuscule piece of tissue that is not always an indicator of abstinence or sexual activity. [5] Focus on her and focus on the two of you becoming one flesh after your marriage. [6] Get some counseling now - even if by yourselves and apart - as to how to make your first sexual experience after marriage one where she will not even think of what that other man did to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnD Posted April 20, 2017 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 0 Topic Count: 905 Topics Per Day: 0.19 Content Count: 9,644 Content Per Day: 2.03 Reputation: 5,830 Days Won: 9 Joined: 04/07/2011 Status: Offline Share Posted April 20, 2017 Answer: 1. Deal with it. Either do what it takes to put it out of your mind NEVER to dig up again under ANY circumstance. 2. Or find someone else. You can turn this into a very Christ-like opportunity! You can put it out of your mind forever, not go around as if you were some how "put upon" or that she has a previous sexual encounter to you... or some such nonsense. You said it yourself, she's not dirty or marred in your eyes, and she was raped so it was not pleasant for her (if guys only knew how damned awful it is for a woman to be raped or forced into a sexual submission). But you can be like Christ and marry her and honor her just as if she was the virgin she otherwise would have been. She came forward to you about it. Honesty in the face of possibly losing everything is especially rare. She is a virgin... to you. The other is a technicality. Technicalities apply where most do not consider... Technically... and I use the term and the description advisedly... technically no male is a virgin (whose member has not been in a female womb especially if he was not born by cesarean section). I know... EWWWWWW... !!! Right? But I am speaking technically. My over all point is deal with this one way or the other and in such a way that you stick with how you dealt with it otherwise you will waste your time and hers. Don't pay her back don't begrudge her the honor of being a virgin (in a way her up front confession absolved her of what was not even her fault in the first place). Honor her and she will love you all the more. Or walk away and spare you both years of suffering and grief. Hope this helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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