Some problems I cannot name

[4LdKHVCzRDj2]

Probably I should not be posting about this but I do not have any person I can tell this, and if I had I would probably not talk about this with them.

You will probably start avoiding me when you read this, and I understand. You may think I can be a dangerous person to stay near.

And do not say: "You should go to a doctor". Because I will not. I do not have the money or ability for that. I can only go to Jesus and talk with people here.

 

Problem #1:
I do not have friends, or the ability to go out and make some. Actually, I never made any friend in life by myself.

All the friends I had one day actually were my brother's friends. Otherwise, I would have not known any friend in life; I can assure you 100%.

It is like I cannot build a connection with anyone, or I think they're not interested in being my friend and interacting with me.

I just stay at home 24/7/365. I don't need to do any effort to stay at home or keeping silent.

Sometimes I wish I could have a social life, but it seems to be more complex and harder than I think (by observations).

 

Problem #2:
I do not like to express my feelings in a non spontaneous way or in the presence of unknown people.

When I am in crowd or at any place I just keep watching and hearing, I will not say any word or interact with other people unless I have an uncontrollable desire to do so, or if it is spontaneous.

That is one of the reasons I stopped going to the church, I tell you why:

I just stay seated, watching, and hearing; I do clap my hands and pay attention to what is being discussed and thank the Lord in mind. Sometimes I have to keep myself under control or I will cry sometimes, and I do not like to express my feelings in front of other people. Crying specially, as some people may come and ask why am I crying, demand explanation, you know.

And there are times when all the people is shouting, screaming, singing, etc. It is OK, I just keep watching and hearing.

But the problem is when the person who is there starts indirectly demanding that I do the same, it is like: "if you...then; if you...then; if you...then" or they talk about "spirit of coldness".

Then thoughts start appearing in my head: "I told you, you don't love the Lord because you are not acting like them" or "The Lord will not care about you if you do not act like them".

Those thoughts make feel sad and disappointed with myself. But I feel I am not that cold from inside as some may think or claim.

 

Problem #3:
Sometimes I have an uncontrollable desire to break objects and to throw them against a wall or floor (no, it is not like I start breaking my house; often do it to useless objects or such). In the past, it almost lead me to injury someone.

What triggers that behavior I do not know exactly, but it happened today after feeling a mix of sadness and rebellious thoughts.

I did not do anything that harmed others. I often go to a place where no one is and start throwing things I can find.

People don't understand a thing and some may even think I have a demon or something. As I was there with them, then suddenly I started to move away and started breaking things.

I tried to resist and all, but the rebellious thoughts and sadness just made the reaction uncontrollable. It was like I would not feel in peace until I did it.

It is somewhat rare to happen, but usually it starts after hearing people talking about certain subjects or when they ask me things I am not willing to answer (especially when they insist); automatically bringing a torrent of sadness and evil thoughts.

There are times I feel I can love and be patient with all the world, but there are rare times I feel like needing to do what I said above.

Now, I'm feeling normal again as I stopped meditating on what I was making me feel that way.

 

Feel free to talk to me. Thank you!

Edited May 8, 2017 by 4LdKHVCzRDj2

[wingnut-]

I really can't say why or give you any answers for what you are going through, so I won't even try.  I can actually relate to many of the things you said above, except for the part about throwing things, or wanting to break things.  Just know that if you ever need to talk with someone I am more than willing to listen.  Will be praying that the Lord brings you peace, and that you find friendship here.

God bless

 

[Guest bonnieschamberger]

There are two things I feel while reading your post...one is that you are an introvert ...as least that is what it feels like to me and I am also an introvert and man oh man have I felt all of those things at my church and I always prefer to sit on the back row....and two I feel like you are beating yourself up/very frustrated with that whole being an introvert and where do I fit in at church /other places as well ...and I have been there too...God has had to use people to speak to me to tell me that God was saying to stop being so hard on myself  that in fact He loves what He has done in me.I know I cannot offer alot and what Ive said may just add further irritation and if it has I am sorry  ...but I am going to pray hard for you tonight ...someone also sent me this link once to read I will include it here

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-weirick/why-introverts-would-rath_b_11099954.html

ps I have also found that I enjoy and relate better in small connect groups from church..better than I do in service

Edited May 8, 2017 by bonnieschamberger

[Guest]

I'm available to talk if you need support, guidance or someone to listen. I might be able to offer some clinical insights and free resources if you want (free of charge). Pm me if needed. 

[4LdKHVCzRDj2]

On 5/7/2017 at 4:33 PM, 4LdKHVCzRDj2 said:

Problem #1

It seems like I have to live with it, I feel unapproachable. And I am not helping myself at all, then I believe I just deserve it.

I am not always sad because of this, but there are (rare) times it becomes really hard just as it is now. But it is just for a time, as always.

 

Thank you all. Sorry!

[Absolem]

On 5/7/2017 at 2:33 PM, 4LdKHVCzRDj2 said:

Probably I should not be posting about this but I do not have any person I can tell this, and if I had I would probably not talk about this with them.

You will probably start avoiding me when you read this, and I understand. You may think I can be a dangerous person to stay near.

And do not say: "You should go to a doctor". Because I will not. I do not have the money or ability for that. I can only go to Jesus and talk with people here.

 

Problem #1:
I do not have friends, or the ability to go out and make some. Actually, I never made any friend in life by myself.

All the friends I had one day actually were my brother's friends. Otherwise, I would have not known any friend in life; I can assure you 100%.

It is like I cannot build a connection with anyone, or I think they're not interested in being my friend and interacting with me.

I just stay at home 24/7/365. I don't need to do any effort to stay at home or keeping silent.

Sometimes I wish I could have a social life, but it seems to be more complex and harder than I think (by observations).

 

Problem #2:
I do not like to express my feelings in a non spontaneous way or in the presence of unknown people.

When I am in crowd or at any place I just keep watching and hearing, I will not say any word or interact with other people unless I have an uncontrollable desire to do so, or if it is spontaneous.

That is one of the reasons I stopped going to the church, I tell you why:

I just stay seated, watching, and hearing; I do clap my hands and pay attention to what is being discussed and thank the Lord in mind. Sometimes I have to keep myself under control or I will cry sometimes, and I do not like to express my feelings in front of other people. Crying specially, as some people may come and ask why am I crying, demand explanation, you know.

And there are times when all the people is shouting, screaming, singing, etc. It is OK, I just keep watching and hearing.

But the problem is when the person who is there starts indirectly demanding that I do the same, it is like: "if you...then; if you...then; if you...then" or they talk about "spirit of coldness".

Then thoughts start appearing in my head: "I told you, you don't love the Lord because you are not acting like them" or "The Lord will not care about you if you do not act like them".

Those thoughts make feel sad and disappointed with myself. But I feel I am not that cold from inside as some may think or claim.

 

Problem #3:
Sometimes I have an uncontrollable desire to break objects and to throw them against a wall or floor (no, it is not like I start breaking my house; often do it to useless objects or such). In the past, it almost lead me to injury someone.

What triggers that behavior I do not know exactly, but it happened today after feeling a mix of sadness and rebellious thoughts.

I did not do anything that harmed others. I often go to a place where no one is and start throwing things I can find.

People don't understand a thing and some may even think I have a demon or something. As I was there with them, then suddenly I started to move away and started breaking things.

I tried to resist and all, but the rebellious thoughts and sadness just made the reaction uncontrollable. It was like I would not feel in peace until I did it.

It is somewhat rare to happen, but usually it starts after hearing people talking about certain subjects or when they ask me things I am not willing to answer (especially when they insist); automatically bringing a torrent of sadness and evil thoughts.

There are times I feel I can love and be patient with all the world, but there are rare times I feel like needing to do what I said above.

Now, I'm feeling normal again as I stopped meditating on what I was making me feel that way.

 

Feel free to talk to me. Thank you!

 

 

I used to have a lot of friends but now I'm kinda like you. I just stay home.

All I do is read my bible and pray. I used to do drugs and stuff but now that I quit doing bad stuff I lost alot of friends.

Worthy is a great site. There's some great people here but most importantly JESUS is here.

[missmuffet]

On 5/7/2017 at 0:33 PM, 4LdKHVCzRDj2 said:

Probably I should not be posting about this but I do not have any person I can tell this, and if I had I would probably not talk about this with them.

You will probably start avoiding me when you read this, and I understand. You may think I can be a dangerous person to stay near.

And do not say: "You should go to a doctor". Because I will not. I do not have the money or ability for that. I can only go to Jesus and talk with people here.

 

Problem #1:
I do not have friends, or the ability to go out and make some. Actually, I never made any friend in life by myself.

All the friends I had one day actually were my brother's friends. Otherwise, I would have not known any friend in life; I can assure you 100%.

It is like I cannot build a connection with anyone, or I think they're not interested in being my friend and interacting with me.

I just stay at home 24/7/365. I don't need to do any effort to stay at home or keeping silent.

Sometimes I wish I could have a social life, but it seems to be more complex and harder than I think (by observations).

 

Problem #2:
I do not like to express my feelings in a non spontaneous way or in the presence of unknown people.

When I am in crowd or at any place I just keep watching and hearing, I will not say any word or interact with other people unless I have an uncontrollable desire to do so, or if it is spontaneous.

That is one of the reasons I stopped going to the church, I tell you why:

I just stay seated, watching, and hearing; I do clap my hands and pay attention to what is being discussed and thank the Lord in mind. Sometimes I have to keep myself under control or I will cry sometimes, and I do not like to express my feelings in front of other people. Crying specially, as some people may come and ask why am I crying, demand explanation, you know.

And there are times when all the people is shouting, screaming, singing, etc. It is OK, I just keep watching and hearing.

But the problem is when the person who is there starts indirectly demanding that I do the same, it is like: "if you...then; if you...then; if you...then" or they talk about "spirit of coldness".

Then thoughts start appearing in my head: "I told you, you don't love the Lord because you are not acting like them" or "The Lord will not care about you if you do not act like them".

Those thoughts make feel sad and disappointed with myself. But I feel I am not that cold from inside as some may think or claim.

 

Problem #3:
Sometimes I have an uncontrollable desire to break objects and to throw them against a wall or floor (no, it is not like I start breaking my house; often do it to useless objects or such). In the past, it almost lead me to injury someone.

What triggers that behavior I do not know exactly, but it happened today after feeling a mix of sadness and rebellious thoughts.

I did not do anything that harmed others. I often go to a place where no one is and start throwing things I can find.

People don't understand a thing and some may even think I have a demon or something. As I was there with them, then suddenly I started to move away and started breaking things.

I tried to resist and all, but the rebellious thoughts and sadness just made the reaction uncontrollable. It was like I would not feel in peace until I did it.

It is somewhat rare to happen, but usually it starts after hearing people talking about certain subjects or when they ask me things I am not willing to answer (especially when they insist); automatically bringing a torrent of sadness and evil thoughts.

There are times I feel I can love and be patient with all the world, but there are rare times I feel like needing to do what I said above.

Now, I'm feeling normal again as I stopped meditating on what I was making me feel that way.

 

Feel free to talk to me. Thank you!

#1 It sounds like you have very little self respect or self esteem. You do not think that you are capable of making friends. Do you have any problems with social anxiety? Do you have autism?

#2 It sounds like you have some mental illness issues or possibly a neurological illness. Is that the case? God loves you and is always right there by you and wants to hear what you have to say.He is the ultimate healer. All of what is on your heart no matter what it is. He wants to go through this with you. Would you allow Christ to do this?

#3 You said that you have attended a Church. Are you a Christian? Have you asked Jesus Christ into your life? This is very important to be at peace within. Are or have you ever been seen by a Christian counselor or Psychologist or Psychiatrist? The brain can have illnesses just like any other part of the body such as diabetes or a thyroid disorder. That does not mean that you are possessed by a demon.

I have prayed for you God bless you.

[4LdKHVCzRDj2]

35 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

You said that you have attended a Church. Are you a Christian? Have you asked Jesus Christ into your life?

Yes.

42 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

It sounds like you have some mental illness issues or possibly a neurological illness. Is that the case?

I believe no.

 

Your post sounds like you never seen me in these forums. 

 

47 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

I have prayed for you God bless you.

OK, thank you! God bless you too.

[Willa]

Know that Jesus loves you just the way you are.  It doesn't matter what people think or what they expect of you.  All that really matters is what God thinks.  Jesus is praying for you.  He loves you so much that He died in your place, taking your punishment.  

Rom 8:31  What then shall we say about these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  Rom 8:32  He who didn’t spare his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how would he not also with him freely give us all things?

Rom 8:33  Who could bring a charge against God’s chosen ones? It is God who justifies.

Rom 8:34  Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, yes rather, who was raised from the dead, who is at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us.

Rom 8:35  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Could oppression, or anguish, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Rom 8:36  Even as it is written, “For your sake we are killed all day long. We were accounted as sheep for the slaughter.”  Rom 8:37  No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

Rom 8:38  For I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, Rom 8:39  nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from God’s love, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

[JTC]

I can understand that you can't afford a good psychotherapist they are very expensive. I think it's good you posted here, keep doing it. I'm wondering if you are in touch with what you feel or do you just do things and not know why? In other words when you break stuff are you aware you feel angry? One thing a good therapist does is help you get in touch with feelings you're blocking out of your mind. Btw, we all do that, all of us. It would be great if you could find even just 1 person you could confide in. Someone who won't judge you or tell you this or that is wrong or right. You seem to already know the difference between right and wrong. I think you need to get in touch with certain emotions you wish you didn't have. We're all like that too. We all have feeling we wish we didn't. Sometimes just becoming aware of the feeling can help. I know this because I went through it myself when I was young. I had 1 good therapist and 1 thing he taught me was sadness is often anger turned inward against yourself. The issue is are you aware of the anger, and I never was. I just felt sad most of the time.

I don't know whether or not this is helping so I'll shut up for now. I hope it helped.