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Hello, I'm about to vent but before I do I know what the Bible says about impure and lustful thoughts. I also know that no one is perfect. However without any background information, if your goal was to find a parter who was strong in faith, would you purse a relationship with someone who's mind has been soaking up filth on the Internet for years?

My whole life I've dreamed of marrying a good Christian man who's as strong in his faith as I am or stronger. I've watched all my friends get married and start raising families and at 27 years old I still haven't found Mr right. Are my expectations to high? Does he even exist? I don't know. I've shamelessly preyed about this topic since about the time I hit puberty and became interested in dating. I'm fairly sure I attract the wrong type of guys and intimidate the good ones because the majority of men I've dated were put off once they decided I was actually serious about waiting until marriage. I've been in 3 serious relationships that lasted more than a few months but they didn't work out for one reason or another.

I met James on Christian mingle and I've really fallen for him. We've been dating for around 6 months and he's a joy to spend time with. We share many of the same beliefs and even though he isn't a virgin he seemd like he was pleased that I was waiting for marriage. That seems to be something alot of guys try to tolerate more than actually praise me about or encourage me to continue. He comes from a Christian family who are wonderful people everything seemed like it was perfect. I've actually been really hoping he would propose to me soon. 

So the other day he texted me saying he wasn't feeling well and was taking the rest of the day off work. I decided to suprise him and took the rest of the day off too. I picked up some stuff to make chicken soupe and a couple movies and headed to his apartment. To my surprise I walked in to find him on his couch thoroughly enjoying himself to Internet fantasy girls. I allowed the awkward moment to stretch out as long as possible as he made himself presentable and then we talked about it. For quite a while.

It turns out he does this multiple times a week and has been for years. Now I've had weak moments myself on occasion but I can't believe he has this sort of addiction. I'm so foolish, I really just can't believe he's been filling his head with filth all this time instead of saving himself for me. I don't know if this is a sign from God that he isn't meant for me or if maybe I'm 27 years old and single and should deal with it. I'm so hurt by this and I can't even really explain why to myself its a betrayal. Maybe it's my sin of pride idk but I'm proud I haven't given in to eurges of the flesh and lord knows it hasn't been easy for me to fight the temptation all these years. Then to find out he's going off and playing with himself whenever the mood strikes him after all we said about our faith and living as god wants us too. I'm rambling I know, I've just known him as a godly man all this time and I find out he's been fantasizing about other women the whole time I've known him. It really makes me feel cheap and at the moment I'd be embarrassed to stand before the Lord with him.

I'm really emotional right now and maybe I'm being crazy and overzelious but I feel like I'd be less in the eyes of God if pursued this relationship. That's my gut instinct anyways. I've grown so attached to him though and I'm so tired of being alone. There is a big part of me that's saying I should just accept it because no one is perfect or maybe even try to help him break the habit. I really wish I could talk to some of my friends about this but the embarrassment would kill me for sure.

Lord please put your arms around me and sooth my heart. Help me to do your will as I walk the path.

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Guest bonnieschamberger

Im so glad I came across this...theres this program I listen to every day at noon called New Life Live they come on at noon on the xm family talk channel they are christian psychiatrists/therapists/psychologists who talk live calls on the air and they deal alot with this ...they have an every mans battle program that deals specifically with this and a Women in the battle program who have spouses/boyfriends/fiancees that have this problem....they have have broadcasts you can listen to on the internet on their website and I will include that link here...the type of help they offer is sorely needed I feel

http://newlife.com/broadcasts/

it is something that can be overcome I was addicted to porn since age 9 and have been free of it a little over 3 years now I wish the both of you the best

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1 hour ago, Sarah8 said:

Hello, I'm about to vent but before I do I know what the Bible says about impure and lustful thoughts. I also know that no one is perfect. However without any background information, if your goal was to find a parter who was strong in faith, would you purse a relationship with someone who's mind has been soaking up filth on the Internet for years?

My whole life I've dreamed of marrying a good Christian man who's as strong in his faith as I am or stronger. I've watched all my friends get married and start raising families and at 27 years old I still haven't found Mr right. Are my expectations to high? Does he even exist? I don't know. I've shamelessly preyed about this topic since about the time I hit puberty and became interested in dating. I'm fairly sure I attract the wrong type of guys and intimidate the good ones because the majority of men I've dated were put off once they decided I was actually serious about waiting until marriage. I've been in 3 serious relationships that lasted more than a few months but they didn't work out for one reason or another.

I met James on Christian mingle and I've really fallen for him. We've been dating for around 6 months and he's a joy to spend time with. We share many of the same beliefs and even though he isn't a virgin he seemd like he was pleased that I was waiting for marriage. That seems to be something alot of guys try to tolerate more than actually praise me about or encourage me to continue. He comes from a Christian family who are wonderful people everything seemed like it was perfect. I've actually been really hoping he would propose to me soon. 

So the other day he texted me saying he wasn't feeling well and was taking the rest of the day off work. I decided to suprise him and took the rest of the day off too. I picked up some stuff to make chicken soupe and a couple movies and headed to his apartment. To my surprise I walked in to find him on his couch thoroughly enjoying himself to Internet fantasy girls. I allowed the awkward moment to stretch out as long as possible as he made himself presentable and then we talked about it. For quite a while.

It turns out he does this multiple times a week and has been for years. Now I've had weak moments myself on occasion but I can't believe he has this sort of addiction. I'm so foolish, I really just can't believe he's been filling his head with filth all this time instead of saving himself for me. I don't know if this is a sign from God that he isn't meant for me or if maybe I'm 27 years old and single and should deal with it. I'm so hurt by this and I can't even really explain why to myself its a betrayal. Maybe it's my sin of pride idk but I'm proud I haven't given in to eurges of the flesh and lord knows it hasn't been easy for me to fight the temptation all these years. Then to find out he's going off and playing with himself whenever the mood strikes him after all we said about our faith and living as god wants us too. I'm rambling I know, I've just known him as a godly man all this time and I find out he's been fantasizing about other women the whole time I've known him. It really makes me feel cheap and at the moment I'd be embarrassed to stand before the Lord with him.

I'm really emotional right now and maybe I'm being crazy and overzelious but I feel like I'd be less in the eyes of God if pursued this relationship. That's my gut instinct anyways. I've grown so attached to him though and I'm so tired of being alone. There is a big part of me that's saying I should just accept it because no one is perfect or maybe even try to help him break the habit. I really wish I could talk to some of my friends about this but the embarrassment would kill me for sure.

Lord please put your arms around me and sooth my heart. Help me to do your will as I walk the path.

RED FLAG!!! drop him. Walk away. Pray to God to bring you someone who truly loves the Lord. Someone who respects you and wants to spend his life with you. This guy would only bring you misery.

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1 hour ago, Sarah8 said:

Hello, I'm about to vent but before I do I know what the Bible says about impure and lustful thoughts. I also know that no one is perfect. However without any background information, if your goal was to find a parter who was strong in faith, would you purse a relationship with someone who's mind has been soaking up filth on the Internet for years?

My whole life I've dreamed of marrying a good Christian man who's as strong in his faith as I am or stronger. I've watched all my friends get married and start raising families and at 27 years old I still haven't found Mr right. Are my expectations to high? Does he even exist? I don't know. I've shamelessly preyed about this topic since about the time I hit puberty and became interested in dating. I'm fairly sure I attract the wrong type of guys and intimidate the good ones because the majority of men I've dated were put off once they decided I was actually serious about waiting until marriage. I've been in 3 serious relationships that lasted more than a few months but they didn't work out for one reason or another.

I met James on Christian mingle and I've really fallen for him. We've been dating for around 6 months and he's a joy to spend time with. We share many of the same beliefs and even though he isn't a virgin he seemd like he was pleased that I was waiting for marriage. That seems to be something alot of guys try to tolerate more than actually praise me about or encourage me to continue. He comes from a Christian family who are wonderful people everything seemed like it was perfect. I've actually been really hoping he would propose to me soon. 

So the other day he texted me saying he wasn't feeling well and was taking the rest of the day off work. I decided to suprise him and took the rest of the day off too. I picked up some stuff to make chicken soupe and a couple movies and headed to his apartment. To my surprise I walked in to find him on his couch thoroughly enjoying himself to Internet fantasy girls. I allowed the awkward moment to stretch out as long as possible as he made himself presentable and then we talked about it. For quite a while.

It turns out he does this multiple times a week and has been for years. Now I've had weak moments myself on occasion but I can't believe he has this sort of addiction. I'm so foolish, I really just can't believe he's been filling his head with filth all this time instead of saving himself for me. I don't know if this is a sign from God that he isn't meant for me or if maybe I'm 27 years old and single and should deal with it. I'm so hurt by this and I can't even really explain why to myself its a betrayal. Maybe it's my sin of pride idk but I'm proud I haven't given in to eurges of the flesh and lord knows it hasn't been easy for me to fight the temptation all these years. Then to find out he's going off and playing with himself whenever the mood strikes him after all we said about our faith and living as god wants us too. I'm rambling I know, I've just known him as a godly man all this time and I find out he's been fantasizing about other women the whole time I've known him. It really makes me feel cheap and at the moment I'd be embarrassed to stand before the Lord with him.

I'm really emotional right now and maybe I'm being crazy and overzelious but I feel like I'd be less in the eyes of God if pursued this relationship. That's my gut instinct anyways. I've grown so attached to him though and I'm so tired of being alone. There is a big part of me that's saying I should just accept it because no one is perfect or maybe even try to help him break the habit. I really wish I could talk to some of my friends about this but the embarrassment would kill me for sure.

Lord please put your arms around me and sooth my heart. Help me to do your will as I walk the path.

 

Some refer to gut instincts, or intuition, to me that is always representative of the Holy Spirit offering you guidance.  I can tell you without exception that every poor choice I have made in life was me ignoring my gut instinct and doing what I wanted.

 

II Corinthians 6:14  Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?

 

Praying for you, God bless

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It's hard to deny such a "coincidence" because it's not: The Lord does promise He will reveal the things done in secret and He is faithful to do just that.

More importantly though, I would really encourage you to study what the Lord has had the apostle Paul teach on singleness and marriage, here's a brief overview:

1 Corinthians 7:
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

[I must say, don't play the "Oh, I can't control myself, bring me a spouse" game with the Lord, He will not be fooled, He knows perfectly what you are truly capable of. This has to be your first prayerful consideration.]

...

17 Nevertheless, each person should live as a believer in whatever situation the Lord has assigned to them, just as God has called them. This is the rule I lay down in all the churches. 18 Was a man already circumcised when he was called? He should not become uncircumcised. Was a man uncircumcised when he was called? He should not be circumcised. 19 Circumcision is nothing and uncircumcision is nothing. Keeping God’s commands is what counts. 20 Each person should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

21 Were you a slave when you were called? Don’t let it trouble you—although if you can gain your freedom, do so. 22 For the one who was a slave when called to faith in the Lord is the Lord’s freed person;similarly, the one who was free when called is Christ’s slave. 23 You were bought at a price; do not become slaves of human beings. 24 Brothers and sisters, each person, as responsible to God, should remain in the situation they were in when God called them.

25 Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. 26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for a man to remain as he is.27 Are you pledged to a woman? Do not seek to be released. Are you free from such a commitment? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.

29 What I mean, brothers and sisters, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they do not; 30 those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; 31 those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.

32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34 and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

36 If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married. 37 But the man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no compulsion but has control over his own will, and who has made up his mind not to marry the virgin—this man also does the right thing. 38 So then, he who marries the virgin does right,but he who does not marry her does better.

39 A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40 In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

One of the greatest points to be taken from this entire passage is that if you marry this man you WILL BE BOUND TO HIM UNLESS HE DIES. He can leave you, and you cannot remarry, you will have to remain a single house wife. You can leave him, and you cannot remarry, you will have to remain a single housewife. (At least without committing unrepentant adultery and we know adulterers will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven from the book of Revelation and elsewhere in the Bible). The ONLY circumstance under which one can remarry once being married is IF the other spouse DIES! Studying these passages in the original Hebrew text makes this all the more clear as well. There are preachers on both sides of the isle on this one, but when the Lord has revealed something to you after He's led you to do the studying, you just know what you know to be true, and this is the true interpretation of the text. Interpretation is God's alone, and He was the one who revealed this to me and it as a painstaking process because it's definitely not a revelation that feels good. But that's how much God respects the covenant of marriage. And we must remember that the marriage covenant is the physical representation of the relationship between Jesus Christ and His bride; the church! So it wholehearted makes sense Our Father in Heaven is not messing around with remarriage of any kind outside of death of the spouse. This interpretation also prevents one spouse from acting in a way to cause the other spouse to leave so they can be free from the bonds of marriage to remarry as they wish as well! It all truly makes sense when we really look at it from God's perspective. But I would encourage you to humbly ask the Lord to reveal the truth of these passages to you, and follow His plan and path to that understanding His revelation for yourself as I have!

I have spent many hours seeking and being taught by the Lord (in His will) on this subject and it is no coincidence He has led me to you. He wants you to understand the facts, he wants you to understand the commitment, and He wants you to understand the bond you are entering into. THEN with all of this information digested and understood (at a heart level), THEN you must seek the Lord on what He is looking for you to do. These are huge, lifelong decisions that should not be taken lightly. This man must respect your patience to allow the Lord to make all of this crystal clear to you or you should leave immediately, you are not to be pressured into such huge, lifelong decisions or any decision for that matter.

I would encourage you not to move forward on any sort of greater commitment until these crystal clear revelations are brought from the Lord. The first thing you should do is release this entire situation into the Lord's hands and allow Him to truly lift it off of your heart so you can have a clear conscious, mind, soul, and spirit to understand how Jesus is looking to move forward with you (do this just by asking Jesus to take this entire situation from you, and open your heart in prayer for Him to lift it off of you)! 

The Lord once told me: Patience leads to revelation! Be patient with yourself. Guard your heart. ABSOLUTELY guard your virginity; it is the most valuable thing you have outside of your relationship with Jesus Christ; pre-martial sex is the GREATEST source of lifelong pain and issues! Even with ONE partner outside of marriage statistics plummet for both happiness in life, lasting marriage, and more. (YouTube the video: The Truth About Sex: Facts You Won't Believe Are True! by Stefan Molyneux) you will be astounded! But it will give you motivation to FLEE SEXUAL IMMORALITY like it's the PLAGUE! LITERALLY, LITERALLY, LITERALLY, run from the littlest sense of sexual impurity entering your life from this man or anywhere! Again, trust and seek the Lord for HIS way forward! The more you seek God for your day by day decisions (especially the small stuff) the faster this process will be, for His plan is much greater than just this situation to get you to where He wants you to be (and where you've been created to be; where you will find lasting joy, peace, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faith, peace, self-control, and love!). Be well, and may God bless you, richly, in Jesus' mighty name!!!!!!! Amen. I'm here for you if you need anything! -Daniel

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I don't know that I would just straight away dump him.  He has an addiction.  Just like any other addiction it can be beaten.  He would need to show you with actions though.  He needs to be in an accountability group.  He may need to go to SAA meetings.  Just saying the he will pray it away or what not is where the flags should start raising.  Actions speak louder than words.  He needs to prove to you that you are more important to him than his addiction.

 

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keep in mind this is something many men struggle with, and have struggled with, myself included. its really an addiction, and its really hard to turn away from.

However, that doesnt necessarily mean hes not the right one, however, I would not just brush it off and sweep it under the table. He sounds like a good guy...but I wouldn't let the relationship continue until he does something about it. encourage him to seek out some christian counseling on the matter, install a filter on his internet (or do away with it altogether) and encourage him to find a good christian accountability partner (other then yourself. Trust me, that would be a bad idea) 

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Thank you all so much for the replies! Daniel, I especially appreciate the scriptures you shared with me. It really helped me clear my head and get my emotions under control. I know God has a plan for me and he will provide everything I need. I don't know very much about this this sort of addiction and maybe researching it for a while will give me some insight as well as time to decide what I should do. 

I can understand why it would be difficult for him let me know he was struggling with this but early on in our relationship we had a very long talk about our vices and areas in our lives that we struggle with. It really should have came up then. It would have made me feel like he was aware it was a bad thing and that he was working on it. It would have gave me the feeling that he was really opening his heart to me and trusting me to support his efforts. Instead the way it came up just makes me feel like it's something he's accepted despite knowing it's wrong. I care for him so much and I really want to pursue this and try to help him but that kinda feels like a temptation. Something I just want for myself and not wha god wants for me. 

I honestly had to think about this for a couple days before I figured out exactly what about it had me so upset. This may be to my discredit but it's not so much that he had to relieve himself as much as it is that we hadn't seen eachother for a few days so it wasn't my fault. That sounds so unworthy of how I comport myself but I'd be way more sympathetic if he was thinking of me instead of online girls. 

 

The fact that it's something he's been doing for years and has resigned himself to is really the most troubling. If he stops now is he doing it just because I want him to? Do I want to start off a relationship with a man who I know dispite how much I care for him is enthralled by lust for any woman he can lay his eyes on? That doesn't sound like the man of my dreams who is strong in faith. 

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11 hours ago, missmuffet said:

RED FLAG!!! drop him. Walk away. Pray to God to bring you someone who truly loves the Lord. Someone who respects you and wants to spend his life with you. This guy would only bring you misery.

Run away! And just keep praying to God. I'm 58, my Virgin friend was 60 when she got married last year too a saved widower!  It's a love story of the century and so beautiful!

My mom in law, widower as I was during  her 50s, met a saved widower at church when she was in her 70s! I was thrilled, they both glowed with love!

And yes, time is precious and they spent almost two years before he passed. She's now 95 and I still smile when I remember the two of them! She encourages me saying, you don't know what God has planned for you.... Such a sweetie, thinking of me when her son has died. 

All that matters is the man is born again, ask him that right off and you'll know if he stays to answer more questions.

Then take him to meet your pastor or elder friend from church.

Take courage, your heart is safe with God!

PS, my daughter is 32, still single, son turns 40, just got married two years ago....  ?

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I heard it said once that 80% of men struggle with lust.  The other 20% lie about it.

Still not dismissing what he had done.  But if he loves you he will be willing to do what it takes to get this problem taken care of.

You should have him read Worthy of Her Trust.  You may want to look for a book called "Every Heart Restored".

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