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woman has a crush on my husband


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7 hours ago, Culinary said:

I'm going to just chime in here with my 2 cents for what it's worth. I think that as human beings, Christians,  and maybe just being women makes more...errr likely to want to believe the good in people especially people with whom we worship with and whom also profess to be Christians. 

This is off topic but I feel relevant to making my point. I had been attending our church for about 7 years at the time. My children were in children's choir which met numerous times a week. There was a father who brought his daughter and you we were all a big church family spending a fair amount of time together over the years. At the end of each practice we'd all get together and pray... except one day he didn't join us and while we prayed my purse was next to him. He stole my credit card and proceeded to buy over 5k worth of merchandise from stores in the area in the next 12 hours. 

I like you thought on numerous occasions that something seemed off about this individual...yet I assumed because we were both Christians and in church regularly together that my gut was wrong...when all along it was right.  He was caught on video at several stores using my card. As well as on church cameras taking the card out of my wallet. He was caught and charged by the stores and sent to prison.

It's not rash in anyway to listen to your gut.  That's God's voice within us that something isn't right. He wants us to listen to it. That is the spirit opening the door. Maybe He wants you to stand for your marriage. The devil comes into our lives dressed in a whole lot of different ways. Sometimes it's even in our churches, worshipping right next to us, professing the word of God. It's sad but true.

Thanks! I've had similar experiences in my Christian life of people who ended up being wolves in sheep's clothing, and it's sad how rampant they are in church.

You are totally correct about the gut thing! My gut was exactly what God used to draw my attention to the attraction in the first place, so I do listen very carefully when it speaks up! :) I also agree that Satan is very alive and active in our churches ... the thought has crossed my mind numerous times that this woman may not be as Godly as I have been lead to believe, and I certainly will stand for my marriage if I sense that is what God is telling me to do.

Right now, though, I feel God is telling me to stand down and wait for the right opportunity. In the meantime, I'm still figuring out what to do with the negative feelings I have toward her. I just can't understand why a supposed sister in Christ would feel it's OK to befriend my husband as she did and send him texts and private messages outside of work. I would NEVER do that to another Christian woman, so I guess I feel betrayed by her for doing it to me. 

 

 

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7 hours ago, wingnut- said:

 

You are most welcome, and just to be clear I wasn't under the impression you were upset with him at all, just a reminder that it's a direction you want to avoid, no matter how frustrating it may be.  I agree that she should stop this as well, which is why I think appealing to her as one Christian woman to another is the way to go.  Maybe she doesn't realize she is hurting you, and as a sister in Christ that should matter.  So I would go with the biblical approach to resolving issues within the body, first go to her one on one, and if that does not stop it then go with two or three others.  Will be praying that this is resolved quickly and peace is restored to you.

God bless

I appreciate the prayers! I really do hope I can talk with her at some point so maybe I can have some closure and not feel so negative whenever I see her at church. I feel like if I have the opportunity to share with her my feelings of betrayal then she'd have the opportunity to apologize and make things right ... perhaps even learn that it's NOT OK to pursue the kind of relationship I believe she was trying to have with my husband. 

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I had a similar problem with our next door neighbor.  My husband is eager to be helpful to all our neighbors.  He used to clear their driveways of snow etc.  When this neighbor, divorced several times, was out of town for a couple of months at a time he would regularly walk around her house to be sure it had no broken windows and report any problems to her brother who lived a few miles away.  He does the same for other neighbors--brings in mail and newspapers etc.  But this neighbor chose to express her gratitude by sending him a large bouquet of two dozen long stemmed roses, addressed solely to him.  I called her and thanked her for the roses and told her the florist did an excellent job and they were all in very good condition. It also was more or less firmly putting her on notice that she would have to go through me.  She was never very friendly toward me but I ignored it, but she was very friendly toward him.  I did tell him how catty she was toward me and that I didn't trust her.  Our son even noticed it and said something to his dad to that effect.   So I was glad when she moved a few years ago and God gave us really godly neighbors now.  

But it does sound like your husband has done exactly the right thing.  If you do need to talk to her, I would probably suggest that she join one of the church's woman's groups so she could find older women to support her in her personal and spiritual problems, since the Bible says that is the role appropriate for older women the church.  

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Hi Romans828,

This sister in the Lord is straight up,acting  out of line - simple as that.

She's disrespecting her husband, you, your husband and herself.

Asking your husband advice in spiritual matters? She needs to ask older Christian women or the Pastor - not another woman's husband.

This is straight up a secular game that Christians play as well, flirting with someonelses spouse.

About 10 years ago there was flirtatious behaviour going on in my Baptist church and the Pastor acted immediately and preached about behaviour and conduct within the church with men and women - you could hear a pin drop.

If you have to, you may need to speak with her directly and have a third female there with you.

Thank goodness your friend told you about the situation because most times others who are aware of what's going on will help conceal the truth instead of revealing it.

 

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Thank you all for your great advice. I agree 100% that she should not have discussed spiritual matters with my husband. As far as fruit ... I don't know if the quality of hers is good or not. What I believe is that she's in a difficult marriage, and she is opening herself up to further problems by befriending someone else's husband. I think she likely lonely for male attention, and because my husband is a kind and friendly man, she latched on to him. I don't know if she is going to other women for advice ... she may very well be. I do not know any of her female friends other than the one mutual one I mentioned earlier. I have heard she is a part of a Bible study, or that she used to be anyway.

Anyway, it's a good thing she no longer sees him at work on a daily basis, and it's great that the communication via phone and social media has been cut off by my husband. All we contend with now is her presence at church, and if she continues to try to converse with him there, I will step in. :)

Thanks for the justification about my feelings - I honestly felt I was wrong for feeling the way I do about her. I don't hate her, but I do get very negative vibes around her that bother me. I'm glad to know these are OK to have and may even serve as a warning for me. 

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Agendas are just that.... I can be friends with all women as I hold them as a people group requiring boundaries because I am male! My agenda is 'God' He is my life now and my engagement with men or women is always along the line of how may I be used to increase their relationship with Him or lead them to Him... when I since someone is pushing their agenda upon me so that it affects my purpose I distance myself and pray to God for wisdom to reengage so that my agenda wins out :) 

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  • 2 months later...

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Romans, 

I know this post is a little old, but Im now just seeing it. This is quite eye opening and I thank you so much for posting it!

I just recently got myself out of a similar situation in which I was the woman with the crush. 

I haven't been a Christian for very long, since 2011, so I didn't know there were certain rules of conduct around men. There is a man at our church, the youth pastor, who is very flirt and talkative with the young women in church. His wife doesn't seem to care. They have a rocky marriage.

Well, after I lost a bunch of weight I noticed that this guy was looking at me a lot and texting me and giving me attention. I liked it. But I never saw it coming, and I developed very strong feelings for him. 

These feelings finally have gone away. I saw the ugly side of him, and I was gone for a month with no contact at all. Amd now Im back and thinking what did I ever see in him? It was purely an attention thing. He was sending out signals that he wasn't happily married, and I was starving for attention. 

Now I barely talk to him. I have been keeping my distance, keeping the talk all business etc. I keep an eye on my body language, and continuously check myself to make sure Im talking to him like I would anyone else and not flirting.

He has that personality that is lively, happy, and brings you put of your shell. But I respect his marriage and my own. It hurt at first, it felt like a breakup, but the time away really helped.

I just wanted to share my experience. I thought my husband was super happily married to me, we were newly weds, but he was having the start of an emotional affair at work. Now we just try to communicate our needs more.

If I were you i would try to have compassion for this woman. What helped me to simmer down my feelings and create space was when his wife started dressing nicer, wearing makeup, flirting with him. I mean, she really stepped it up! I was like "you go girl!". They became happier and more affectionate. So you could try that as well. 

And pray for her and her marriage. She might be having a huge battle of self control inside that you can't see. If she is in love with your husband or has an infatuation with him it's probably taking a lot of self control, prayer, and distraction to not text him. 

At my worst point I was obsessed. I couldn't stop thinking about him, it took loads of self control and some tears to not text him for "innocent reasons". I prayed and prayed for God to just take these feelings away. I went to a Christian therapist even. I found out i have a lot of trauma still from sexual abuse and abandonment when I was a toddler. And it plays out now in me wanting attention for validation. And addiction tendencies. My therapist told me that I might always have some low grade feelings for him because I will remember how he made me feel. See, it wasn't true feelings, it was my selfishness and attention seeking.

I don't know if this helps at all. I hope it does. Does your husband talk casually with other women at church? This guy Im talking about chit chats with all the women, I think its sort of a problem with him and he shouldn't do it. 

God bless! I hope everything worked out ok.

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As long as you go to the same church, there is only so much you can do.  If this woman was to ever come out and hit on your husband, or say something where she had no way to deny wrong intentions, you could take this matter to the Pastor.  If she hasn't really done anything you can prove is an attempt to move in on your husband, I would be careful about making any accusations.  She will just deny it.  

You are blessed in that you fully trust your husband and know he won't do anything.  I have been through a similar situation, with a couple of different women hitting on me.  My wife was fully aware of both of them and what they were doing.  I had no attraction to either of these women, not my type, just as you describe about what is happening with your husband.  There was never any possibility I would have cheated with either of these women, and I feel confident based on what you said your husband will not fall into this temptation, so that is the main thing.  

The easiest way to end this is to go to a different church.  That will end the whole thing, since this woman doesn't see your husband at work.  If you really love your church, and that is not an option, you will continue to have to deal with this woman.  My feeling is that over time, if her marriage continues to deteriorate, she will become more aggressive, and when she over plays her hand, you can take the matter to the Pastor.  Until then, I would just do what you are doing now.  Just make the best of things.  I would suggest you stay close to your husband when you are at church, but I wouldn't want him to feel like you are being extra clingy because you don't trust him.  That will only make things worse.  I feel like this situation will work itself out, but it may take a while, and you need to be strong.  

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On 7/5/2017 at 8:56 AM, romans828 said:

Hi! I will get straight to the point. I need to know what to do about a woman at my church who has a crush on my husband. She used to work with him, and got to know him well through their job. I would not call myself a friend of hers - we are more like acquaintances. However, I do know enough about her to know she is having problems in her marriage and that she thinks highly of my husband. (She confessed this to a mutual friend of ours, and of course the friend got suspicious and told me.) Also, she was getting personal with him at work - sending him text messages, emails, and private messages ... stuff like that. Nothing sexual, but her communication was playful and flirtatious in nature. Also, she was going to my husband for spiritual guidance. My husband has no feelings of attraction for her (she is not his type), but he did admit that she gave him an ego boost. When I told him I thought she was interested in him, he immediately distanced himself from her and cut off all personal communication with her. She was not happy about this, and basically told him she didn't understand why he no longer felt comfortable being her friend since they were both Christians and attended the same church. Thankfully, she moved to a different job, and she no longer sees him every day. 

My problem is, we still have to deal with her at church. She will come up to my husband to speak with him whether I'm present or not. While I don't know her personally very well, others have told me she is Godly, and I really don't think she would purpose to try and make her own life better by leaving her husband to pursue mine. I do think, however, that she is happy to continue to make her presence known in my husband's life in the hope that she will be the one "next in line" for him if something were to happen to me. 

Here's my question - what do I do with my negative feelings toward her? 

If a person is having problems with their marriage they are very vulnerable in being attracted to another man or woman.  If this lady were your husband's type would that be more attractive to him? You or your husband need to be honest with this lady and tell her that the attention she is giving your husband has made both you and him uncomfortable. You need to give this to God. Pray about it.

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