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kelly_bramm

Broken but trying to put together the pieces of my husband's life

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Just having turned 40 years old a couple of months ago feels like a huge burden on my shoulders that keep getting bigger and bigger. I feel like the whole world is out to get me. I've been married for the 2nd time for 1 year (my first husband passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago). I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on me; from helping my mom who doesn't drive or speak English, to secretly dealing with my step-daughter who is acting up and getting in trouble with the law, to trying to keep my husband in line and away from his crazy, dangerous past, to dealing with chronic illness and continuous pain; to dealing with not been able to have kids; to all kinds of financial problems. And those are just the things that are going on right now, there are plenty more things I've had to endure in my entire life. All those pains, all those troubles make me feel like I am always chasing an ounce of happiness that will never be attained. I look up to God and I ask, why so much, why all the time and all I hear is silence. Whether He forgot about me or He's giving me the silent treatment, I don't understand. Giving up is all I can think about, but even in giving up I'm letting Him down and doing what He doesn't want me to do, I guess. 

But what other way out is there from all this pain, all this suffering, all this craziness? If we are all going to die at the end, why try to avoid the inevitable. How can I learn to live without caring? Without giving a second thought to my mother's situation, to the relationship with my brother, to the relapses my husband continues to have over and over. When there are no shattered dreams only because there's no strength to even dream, how can you find the strength to go on. 

I guess all I can ask, is how do I end the suffering when He shines his face away from me all the time.

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First of all, so sorry to hear of your troubles! Know that you're not alone in suffering in this fallen world; many your brothers and sisters in Christ know your pain well and can sometimes question God as well. Don't feel guilty or ashamed for having some doubts when in such deep darkness! You're in my prayers!

The simple, hard truth is that many times we cannot end the suffering. We must wait for God's timing and His will and ways. The good news is that our suffering is not without purpose; God works to teach us truths, draw us closer to Him, strengthen our faith as we see Him delivering us, and many times our own suffering can allow us the personal insight and experience necessary to connect to others during their times of pain and darkness. I know that may be small comfort in the midst of your pain though.

When the unsaved see us able to deal with such trouble and pain, sometimes there is no stronger testimony of our faith. Even if we never see it, we can't know what changes the Spirit is working in their hearts as they see our grace under pressure. Sometimes that's all you can cling to. If nothing else, if the absolute worst is true, we can know that, after a lifetime of suffering and dealing with difficulty in this temporary life, we can enter heaven with heads held high, and be greeted with "Well done, good and faithful servant" because we completely the race without falling off the path.

I don't know if these are helpful or comforting words or not, but I don't wish you patronize you with false hope or fluffy phrases either. The truth is that the dark times in my own life are so deep at the moment that, short of a literal miracle, I can't see things getting better. I'm not sure I'll live to see 40. I really don't know what is in store for me, and even in the "good days," there is an undercurrent of fear that wants to drag me down. But I can only do what I can do, and what I can do isn't much, but fortunately, God only asks of us what He has enabled us to do. Many days, that's simply making it through the day without screaming at someone or giving up completely.

If I may make a suggestion, sometimes I find it helpful to think of ways things could be worse, and then give thanks that my situation isn't as bad as it could be. For example, my disability keeps me home-bound; I've not been able to go to church or see any of my friends for many years. However, high speed internet allows me to keep in touch with people, watch services online, and even come to these forums to pray for others and be prayed for. I praise God for that! I'm still able to get around my house a bit on my own, so though I'm largely dependent on my aging parents, I'm not 100% dependent on them, when others with my problems sometimes are. The more I do this, the more I see ways in which the Lord is propping me up, and keeping me from hitting absolute rock bottom, and that helps.

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Dearest Kelly,

I truly understand much of your pain and frustration. In addition to diabetes, and coronary artery disease, this year I have succumbed to kidney disease and congestive heart failure. Being chronically ill itself is enough to be discouraged by, much less when we add spouses and other relatives into the mix. However, let me provide some hope. First, I am assuming you are a Christian, because if you are not, then there really is no hope. So the first point is that there is no hope outside Jesus.

Second, if you ARE a Christian, then you need to find a good church so that the family of God can pray for you and love on you. From your description, it sounds like your husband and family are not there for you to love and support you. A church family will provide the love and support you need to keep encouraged.

Third, find a Bible that  you can read and begin reading. The Bible is God's Word and it is life to you. Start in the New Testament and read it straight through. You will learn about Jesus and how much He loves you. And you will learn that trials are useful to build character and faith. From the sound of it, you have had plenty of trials.

Fourth, find a reason to be thankful each day, on purpose and out loud. As BK1110 has said, find reasons to be thankful. As you concentrate on being thankful to God, you will sense His approval and even His presence. This is important for you to know that you are not alone.

Fifth, begin to offload your burdens to God. This is a bit more difficult, but it is something you need to do. You are not responsible for your husband's misdeeds, even though you are married to him. At best, you can pray for him and ask God to deal with him. This often seems like it's not very effective, but it really is the ONLY way to get him to change permanently. Sometimes we must completely let our spouses "go" in order for God to get hold of them. As for your step daughter and your brother, these relationships need to be prayed for as well. Jesus said He would take on your heavy yokes and burdens. We need to practice giving them to Him until we sense that He has taken them. I prayed for my mother for 40 years to get saved; at her death last year I do not know whether she ever accepted Him or not. But whenever something was wrong she called me and asked me to pray.

These are steps  you should take to ease your own suffering, because, if you are like me, you take things upon yourself and you suffer for the others in your life. It is affecting your health and your attitude. Your family does need you. They need your faith and joy to sanctify them. God send His Son to redeem you. He loves you much more than you realize now.

The good news is that you posted here and we are all praying for you.

 

Blessings and keep in touch

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Welcome~!

~

Praying~!

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On 7/11/2017 at 1:34 AM, kelly_bramm said:

Just having turned 40 years old a couple of months ago feels like a huge burden on my shoulders that keep getting bigger and bigger. I feel like the whole world is out to get me. I've been married for the 2nd time for 1 year (my first husband passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago). I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on me; from helping my mom who doesn't drive or speak English, to secretly dealing with my step-daughter who is acting up and getting in trouble with the law, to trying to keep my husband in line and away from his crazy, dangerous past, to dealing with chronic illness and continuous pain; to dealing with not been able to have kids; to all kinds of financial problems. And those are just the things that are going on right now, there are plenty more things I've had to endure in my entire life. All those pains, all those troubles make me feel like I am always chasing an ounce of happiness that will never be attained. I look up to God and I ask, why so much, why all the time and all I hear is silence. Whether He forgot about me or He's giving me the silent treatment, I don't understand. Giving up is all I can think about, but even in giving up I'm letting Him down and doing what He doesn't want me to do, I guess. 

But what other way out is there from all this pain, all this suffering, all this craziness? If we are all going to die at the end, why try to avoid the inevitable. How can I learn to live without caring? Without giving a second thought to my mother's situation, to the relationship with my brother, to the relapses my husband continues to have over and over. When there are no shattered dreams only because there's no strength to even dream, how can you find the strength to go on. 

I guess all I can ask, is how do I end the suffering when He shines his face away from me all the time.

Hi Kelly,

I am glad that you have been able to share some of what you are going through. I see that you already have a number of people who have responded. It is never easy going through hard and difficult times. During the times that I have had that have been harder than others, I have always been so grateful that I do not have to face it alone. That I can take my problems and pain to the Lord.  I am attaching a story that has always been an encouragement to me. I will be praying with you. Blessings :) 

footprints in the sand.jpg

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16 hours ago, BK1110 said:

First of all, so sorry to hear of your troubles! Know that you're not alone in suffering in this fallen world; many your brothers and sisters in Christ know your pain well and can sometimes question God as well. Don't feel guilty or ashamed for having some doubts when in such deep darkness! You're in my prayers!

The simple, hard truth is that many times we cannot end the suffering. We must wait for God's timing and His will and ways. The good news is that our suffering is not without purpose; God works to teach us truths, draw us closer to Him, strengthen our faith as we see Him delivering us, and many times our own suffering can allow us the personal insight and experience necessary to connect to others during their times of pain and darkness. I know that may be small comfort in the midst of your pain though.

When the unsaved see us able to deal with such trouble and pain, sometimes there is no stronger testimony of our faith. Even if we never see it, we can't know what changes the Spirit is working in their hearts as they see our grace under pressure. Sometimes that's all you can cling to. If nothing else, if the absolute worst is true, we can know that, after a lifetime of suffering and dealing with difficulty in this temporary life, we can enter heaven with heads held high, and be greeted with "Well done, good and faithful servant" because we completely the race without falling off the path.

I don't know if these are helpful or comforting words or not, but I don't wish you patronize you with false hope or fluffy phrases either. The truth is that the dark times in my own life are so deep at the moment that, short of a literal miracle, I can't see things getting better. I'm not sure I'll live to see 40. I really don't know what is in store for me, and even in the "good days," there is an undercurrent of fear that wants to drag me down. But I can only do what I can do, and what I can do isn't much, but fortunately, God only asks of us what He has enabled us to do. Many days, that's simply making it through the day without screaming at someone or giving up completely.

If I may make a suggestion, sometimes I find it helpful to think of ways things could be worse, and then give thanks that my situation isn't as bad as it could be. For example, my disability keeps me home-bound; I've not been able to go to church or see any of my friends for many years. However, high speed internet allows me to keep in touch with people, watch services online, and even come to these forums to pray for others and be prayed for. I praise God for that! I'm still able to get around my house a bit on my own, so though I'm largely dependent on my aging parents, I'm not 100% dependent on them, when others with my problems sometimes are. The more I do this, the more I see ways in which the Lord is propping me up, and keeping me from hitting absolute rock bottom, and that helps.

Thank you BK for sharing your own experience. It is great that even in our hardest times that we can bring hope and encouragement to others. Blessings :) 

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14 hours ago, No124get1952 said:

Dearest Kelly,

I truly understand much of your pain and frustration. In addition to diabetes, and coronary artery disease, this year I have succumbed to kidney disease and congestive heart failure. Being chronically ill itself is enough to be discouraged by, much less when we add spouses and other relatives into the mix. However, let me provide some hope. First, I am assuming you are a Christian, because if you are not, then there really is no hope. So the first point is that there is no hope outside Jesus.

Second, if you ARE a Christian, then you need to find a good church so that the family of God can pray for you and love on you. From your description, it sounds like your husband and family are not there for you to love and support you. A church family will provide the love and support you need to keep encouraged.

Third, find a Bible that  you can read and begin reading. The Bible is God's Word and it is life to you. Start in the New Testament and read it straight through. You will learn about Jesus and how much He loves you. And you will learn that trials are useful to build character and faith. From the sound of it, you have had plenty of trials.

Fourth, find a reason to be thankful each day, on purpose and out loud. As BK1110 has said, find reasons to be thankful. As you concentrate on being thankful to God, you will sense His approval and even His presence. This is important for you to know that you are not alone.

Fifth, begin to offload your burdens to God. This is a bit more difficult, but it is something you need to do. You are not responsible for your husband's misdeeds, even though you are married to him. At best, you can pray for him and ask God to deal with him. This often seems like it's not very effective, but it really is the ONLY way to get him to change permanently. Sometimes we must completely let our spouses "go" in order for God to get hold of them. As for your step daughter and your brother, these relationships need to be prayed for as well. Jesus said He would take on your heavy yokes and burdens. We need to practice giving them to Him until we sense that He has taken them. I prayed for my mother for 40 years to get saved; at her death last year I do not know whether she ever accepted Him or not. But whenever something was wrong she called me and asked me to pray.

These are steps  you should take to ease your own suffering, because, if you are like me, you take things upon yourself and you suffer for the others in your life. It is affecting your health and your attitude. Your family does need you. They need your faith and joy to sanctify them. God send His Son to redeem you. He loves you much more than you realize now.

The good news is that you posted here and we are all praying for you.

 

Blessings and keep in touch

Thank you No124, it was an encouragement and blessing to read through your response. Blessings :) 

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There is a place where one can go to God and give burdens that are out of our control-actually give them to The Lord!
When we realize that all that is in the world and it's confusion, pain, sorrows, unrest etc. we know why The Lord said in the beginning

Genesis 2:17 (KJV)

[17] But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Genesis 3:17 (KJV)

[17] And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

[18] Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

[19] In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

Born into a fallen and cursed world as enemies of God... these hardships, troubles, sorrows are born by everyone to one degree or another

Ecclesiastes 1:13 (KJV)

[13] And I gave my heart to seek and search out by wisdom concerning all things that are done under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the sons of man to be exercised therewith.

you are not alone in this suffering! I go to God an realize -Father you said not to do it AND I see why!!! Then I turn my heart in agreement with God in these things and begin to ask my Friend The Lord what can I do to glorify you in this trouble so that others see You as well... As we stand for God He promises through His Word to strengthen us in all it...

The effects of stress

Pr 12:25 ; Mt 13:22 ; Mk 4:18 ; Lk 8:14

see also 1Ki 19:3-4 ; Ps 31:9-10 ; Lk 10:40-41
 

Appeals to God in stressful situations

Ps 102:2 ; Jon 2:2 see also 2Sa 22:7 ; pp. Ps 18:6

; 2Ch 20:9;33:12 ; Ps 4:1;25,17;106:44;120:1
 

God comforts believers under stress

Ps 94:19 ; Mt 11:28 ; IPe 5:7 see also 1Sa 30:6 ;

Ps ; Jn ; 2Co 4:8-10 ; Phl 4:6 

Reasoning with God in His Word -understanding past the hurt so that purpose can be seen in every event... endurance then becomes less burdensome!
Love, Steven

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On 7/11/2017 at 2:34 AM, kelly_bramm said:

Just having turned 40 years old a couple of months ago feels like a huge burden on my shoulders that keep getting bigger and bigger. I feel like the whole world is out to get me. I've been married for the 2nd time for 1 year (my first husband passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago). I feel like I have the weight of the entire world on me; from helping my mom who doesn't drive or speak English, to secretly dealing with my step-daughter who is acting up and getting in trouble with the law, to trying to keep my husband in line and away from his crazy, dangerous past, to dealing with chronic illness and continuous pain; to dealing with not been able to have kids; to all kinds of financial problems. And those are just the things that are going on right now, there are plenty more things I've had to endure in my entire life. All those pains, all those troubles make me feel like I am always chasing an ounce of happiness that will never be attained. I look up to God and I ask, why so much, why all the time and all I hear is silence. Whether He forgot about me or He's giving me the silent treatment, I don't understand. Giving up is all I can think about, but even in giving up I'm letting Him down and doing what He doesn't want me to do, I guess. 

But what other way out is there from all this pain, all this suffering, all this craziness? If we are all going to die at the end, why try to avoid the inevitable. How can I learn to live without caring? Without giving a second thought to my mother's situation, to the relationship with my brother, to the relapses my husband continues to have over and over. When there are no shattered dreams only because there's no strength to even dream, how can you find the strength to go on. 

I guess all I can ask, is how do I end the suffering when He shines his face away from me all the time.

 

Welcome kelly, praying for you.

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