da_man1974 Posted July 31, 2017 Group: Senior Member Followers: 25 Topic Count: 41 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 726 Content Per Day: 0.14 Reputation: 575 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/22/2010 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/30/1974 Author Share Posted July 31, 2017 So I have been talking with the husband. It sounds that he is truly taking steps to try and restore the marriage and trust. I have let him know it will be a LONG time if ever that she will trust him again like she used to. As for the rest of the family, I have pretty much written them off. It is hard for my wife because it is her side of the family. But they continually make a doormat out of her. Every time she stands up against them they try to turn it around on her. It seems to be the same thing they do with the niece. I feel bad because my wife would like to have a relationship with her family but she continually gets hurt by them. Sorry back on track here. The husband has been telling me that he doesn't want to lose his wife. He is trying to get back right with God. Often wander why we don't see these things before hand. And God always allows us to make a U turn and come back to Him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wingnut- Posted July 31, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 39 Topic Count: 101 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 7,673 Content Per Day: 1.31 Reputation: 7,358 Days Won: 67 Joined: 04/22/2008 Status: Offline Share Posted July 31, 2017 2 hours ago, da_man1974 said: So I have been talking with the husband. It sounds that he is truly taking steps to try and restore the marriage and trust. I have let him know it will be a LONG time if ever that she will trust him again like she used to. As for the rest of the family, I have pretty much written them off. It is hard for my wife because it is her side of the family. But they continually make a doormat out of her. Every time she stands up against them they try to turn it around on her. It seems to be the same thing they do with the niece. I feel bad because my wife would like to have a relationship with her family but she continually gets hurt by them. Sorry back on track here. The husband has been telling me that he doesn't want to lose his wife. He is trying to get back right with God. Often wander why we don't see these things before hand. And God always allows us to make a U turn and come back to Him. Thanks for the update, continuing prayers. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annette Posted July 31, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 65 Topic Count: 105 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 3,568 Content Per Day: 1.39 Reputation: 4,029 Days Won: 7 Joined: 04/12/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted July 31, 2017 3 hours ago, da_man1974 said: So I have been talking with the husband. It sounds that he is truly taking steps to try and restore the marriage and trust. I have let him know it will be a LONG time if ever that she will trust him again like she used to. As for the rest of the family, I have pretty much written them off. It is hard for my wife because it is her side of the family. But they continually make a doormat out of her. Every time she stands up against them they try to turn it around on her. It seems to be the same thing they do with the niece. I feel bad because my wife would like to have a relationship with her family but she continually gets hurt by them. Sorry back on track here. The husband has been telling me that he doesn't want to lose his wife. He is trying to get back right with God. Often wander why we don't see these things before hand. And God always allows us to make a U turn and come back to Him. I am glad to hear that you have been in touch with the husband. When we make mistakes and are trying to get things right, it is good to have someone come alongside and encourage them. And yes, it is so true, it may take a period of time to rebuild that trust. I may have mentioned it before, we are doing a teaching series at church, based on the story of the prodigal son. The interesting take is that we are encouraged to identify areas in our own lives where we have wandered off on our own and need to make a turn around in. Keeping on praying for your wife and you and the family. Blessings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NOONE7 Posted August 1, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 18 Topic Count: 21 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 11,715 Content Per Day: 4.59 Reputation: 9,752 Days Won: 106 Joined: 04/29/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted August 1, 2017 16 hours ago, da_man1974 said: So I have been talking with the husband. It sounds that he is truly taking steps to try and restore the marriage and trust. I have let him know it will be a LONG time if ever that she will trust him again like she used to. As for the rest of the family, I have pretty much written them off. It is hard for my wife because it is her side of the family. But they continually make a doormat out of her. Every time she stands up against them they try to turn it around on her. It seems to be the same thing they do with the niece. I feel bad because my wife would like to have a relationship with her family but she continually gets hurt by them. Sorry back on track here. The husband has been telling me that he doesn't want to lose his wife. He is trying to get back right with God. Often wander why we don't see these things before hand. And God always allows us to make a U turn and come back to Him. Praying! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTC Posted August 1, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 18 Topic Count: 200 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 2,795 Content Per Day: 0.65 Reputation: 1,502 Days Won: 1 Joined: 06/25/2012 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/26/1952 Share Posted August 1, 2017 On 7/26/2017 at 10:42 AM, da_man1974 said: Not sure if this should be posted here or in prayer requests but here it goes. Kind of confusing so try to hang in there. My wife's nieces husband (got that). He had multiple affairs. One being with the nieces step sister. Another with the nieces (former) best friend. And multiple others. So he finally came clean about it and is going to an accountability group and has been meeting with other men etc. I don't believe he is doing enough yet but that is something they are working on. But anyhow, instead of supporting the daughter her parents, grandparents, etc. are making it about them. The stepsister is getting married this month and the grandparents asked the niece what they she should say when people ask why she isn't there. She said to tell them the truth. They said oh we can't do that we will just say you are having some family issues. The parents were having easter brunch at their house. They told our niece that if she couldn't be civil to the stepsister than they would prefer that she wouldn't come. The list of this type of stuff goes on and on. So I am not sure how to support her. I have thought about sending an email to the family with my thoughts and feelings but that may not be the best idea. I told my wife this morning that I am truly at a loss of what to do. She is too. What a mess. But it's still better to have family than to have none. I don't much to add except I think saying she has family issues is fine. It's best not to give them things to gossip about and they're not lying. There are family issues. Hopefully everyone will leave it at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTC Posted August 1, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 18 Topic Count: 200 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 2,795 Content Per Day: 0.65 Reputation: 1,502 Days Won: 1 Joined: 06/25/2012 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/26/1952 Share Posted August 1, 2017 On 7/26/2017 at 10:42 AM, da_man1974 said: Not sure if this should be posted here or in prayer requests but here it goes. Kind of confusing so try to hang in there. My wife's nieces husband (got that). He had multiple affairs. One being with the nieces step sister. Another with the nieces (former) best friend. And multiple others. So he finally came clean about it and is going to an accountability group and has been meeting with other men etc. I don't believe he is doing enough yet but that is something they are working on. But anyhow, instead of supporting the daughter her parents, grandparents, etc. are making it about them. The stepsister is getting married this month and the grandparents asked the niece what they she should say when people ask why she isn't there. She said to tell them the truth. They said oh we can't do that we will just say you are having some family issues. The parents were having easter brunch at their house. They told our niece that if she couldn't be civil to the stepsister than they would prefer that she wouldn't come. The list of this type of stuff goes on and on. So I am not sure how to support her. I have thought about sending an email to the family with my thoughts and feelings but that may not be the best idea. I told my wife this morning that I am truly at a loss of what to do. She is too. What a mess. But it's still better to have family than to have none. I don't much to add except I think saying she has family issues is fine. It's best not to give them things to gossip about and they're not lying. There are family issues. Hopefully everyone will leave it at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTC Posted August 1, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 18 Topic Count: 200 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 2,795 Content Per Day: 0.65 Reputation: 1,502 Days Won: 1 Joined: 06/25/2012 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/26/1952 Share Posted August 1, 2017 What a mess. But it's still better to have family than to have none. I don't much to add except I think saying she has family issues is fine. It's best not to give them things to gossip about and they're not lying. There are family issues. Hopefully everyone will leave it at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JTC Posted August 1, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 18 Topic Count: 200 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 2,795 Content Per Day: 0.65 Reputation: 1,502 Days Won: 1 Joined: 06/25/2012 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/26/1952 Share Posted August 1, 2017 Sorry I got 3 of the same reply. I'm having PC problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted August 2, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 539 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 32,730 Content Per Day: 5.02 Reputation: 23,386 Days Won: 221 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Praying for you all in such a hard situation but I will ask you to think about what you and your wife actually want to happen ( not with the niece and her husband but with the stepsister and the rest of the family ) ? If you think that letting everyone know what happened will actually make things better or worse? Do you actually want to be at a wedding? do you want to make this step sister admit to what she did and if so for what reason ? Will it make the hurt less? In the end it takes two people to have an affair and if she is trying to forgive her husband then she needs to also forgive her stepsister .Yes I do know how hard it is as my husband had several affairs and it was harder when I knew the other woman ( fortunately not such a close relative ) but it is not realistic to forgive one and not the other. If your wife's family are too embarrassed to tell the truth I can understand that also but please ask yourself what you want them to say ...... in reality if the girl is getting married I assume she has tried to move on from the affair and would you really want her past to destroy her future on her wedding day ? If you do then you also have to destroy any chance at a reconciliation with the man in the middle of the problem Sorry if this is not what you want to hear and no I don't think it is realistic to just pretend none of it has happened as the family appear to be trying to do but it is not just one person at fault here Praying for everyone in this situation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
da_man1974 Posted August 2, 2017 Group: Senior Member Followers: 25 Topic Count: 41 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 726 Content Per Day: 0.14 Reputation: 575 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/22/2010 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/30/1974 Author Share Posted August 2, 2017 5 hours ago, ladypeartree said: Praying for you all in such a hard situation but I will ask you to think about what you and your wife actually want to happen ( not with the niece and her husband but with the stepsister and the rest of the family ) ? If you think that letting everyone know what happened will actually make things better or worse? Do you actually want to be at a wedding? do you want to make this step sister admit to what she did and if so for what reason ? Will it make the hurt less? In the end it takes two people to have an affair and if she is trying to forgive her husband then she needs to also forgive her stepsister .Yes I do know how hard it is as my husband had several affairs and it was harder when I knew the other woman ( fortunately not such a close relative ) but it is not realistic to forgive one and not the other. If your wife's family are too embarrassed to tell the truth I can understand that also but please ask yourself what you want them to say ...... in reality if the girl is getting married I assume she has tried to move on from the affair and would you really want her past to destroy her future on her wedding day ? If you do then you also have to destroy any chance at a reconciliation with the man in the middle of the problem Sorry if this is not what you want to hear and no I don't think it is realistic to just pretend none of it has happened as the family appear to be trying to do but it is not just one person at fault here Praying for everyone in this situation I agree with a lot of what you have said here. I personally don't/won't be at the wedding. My wife wanted to kind of go just for the relationship to her sister. This issue as well as many others is why I have refused to have really any relationship now with her sister (which is a whole other story). I don't really think having the stepsister admit what she does was wrong. It's more of her acknowledging it. She sent a text to our niece that said something to the effect of I was wrong so can we just never talk about this again. Our niece contacted the stepsister to ask if they could get together and talk about it. She told her that she doesn't want to talk about it and doesn't see why she (our niece) can't just forget about it and move on. The family seems to know what happened but it seems they are taking it out on our niece and telling her that she just needs to get over it and move on. They have told our niece on many occasions that they don't want her attending family events if she can't just act normal like nothing has happened. I think our niece would have an easier time with forgiving if the family would recognize that she isn't the one to blame in the relationship. They are not letting her attend family functions but are basically accepting the step sister with open arms as if nothing ever happened. That is kinda where the struggle is for my wife and I as well. The husband does accept that he was wrong. He has confessed everything to our niece and is taking good steps to rebuild trust and the relationship. He is attending a men's group at their church and has a few different men from their church holding him accountable. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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