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Seeking legal seperation after 16 years-6 kids,4 mnths pregnant. Emotionally abusive husband


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On ‎8‎/‎22‎/‎2017 at 7:15 PM, readytogiveup said:

Hello all, I'm very new here..looking for support/advice from fellow Christians!

I was with him for 16 years. During this time we "seperated" numerous times. I would admit him back after seeing his struggles. It would hurt my soul to see him hurting. Even though when he said the most monstrous things to me,didn't hurt HIS soul one bit ? I wanted to fight for my marriage,since he was and always will be the love of my life. But unfortunately he is Bipolar and let Satan use this far to often. I tried to be understanding but the cuts just got deeper with time. He got so mean and so verbally and emotionally abusive,it started to affect our children.

Fast forward to 2 years ago...I let him move back in because he promised me a list of things... Everything was very good for a while.. But when he would get very upset,he'd aim to kill with his words.

Each of us had our roles at home. I carried all expenses pertaining to the family...rent,car,utilities,toiletries,cell phones-EVERYTHING. He handled household needs like cleaning,cooking,laundry. It worked for everyone,but when he would have an episode,he'd throw it in my face!( the I do everything and you do nothing card).

Towards the end, I went and got a loan for a car he said he needed in order to work for Uber. Handed him 4500 for down payment from a savings account we weren't supposed to touch.. He promised he would pay it back and never screw me over with failed payments.(since he had with prior car I put myself on the line for). Long story short, he's very behind on payments,they called me saying they're ready to repossess! He left almost 4 months ago and not a dime for child/spousal support. Found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after he left. -which I love my kids but we both promised we were DONE. I was blessed with 4 b, 4 g so it was a perfect even team. I had plans to travel out of state to do a summer gig that was financially beneficial to our family. That was out the window soon as I saw a positive test due to how ill I got. Our last child was only 3 months old!

I got very depressed. And to make matters worse,he'd text me with interrogating,accusing,assuming remarks. Most of the time very rude and abusive.

He hates me and accuses me of his failures and tells me I'm on my own now since I kicked him out ☹ What was I supposed to do, if even after I got him the vehicle he refused to be"pressured" to work! After I brought up the conversation and reminded him he had promised to help,he exploded in such a way,I had no other option but to ask him to leave.

Throughout the years,every time he left, I NEVER asked him for financial support. Even let him take our only vehicle,leaving me and children on foot. But I'm kinda tired of taking the fall. And since I am presently unable to work,due to pregnancy(nobody will hire me) and due to what it would cost for childcare, I feel he should finally step up!

So, I need advice. This a very hard and painful process for me. I don't believe in divorce but my heart can't take any more injury. Any advice greatly appreciated..especially from anyone who knows the steps behind the legal process. Thank you kindly for reading. God bless

I am a bit perplexed by something here.  You said your husband won't work, and won't give you any help with support for you or the kids.  What is he doing now?  How is he making it on his own if he won't work?  How can someone who isn't working going to be able to send you any child support, when that is based on a percentage of his salary?  He is clearly in the wrong.  The Bible says that a man that won't support his family is worse than an infidel and has denied the faith.  Does he claim to be a Christian?  Why does he accuse you of being responsible for his failures?  What is that accusation based on?  You said that he said that since you kicked him out, you are on your own.  Does he want to come back, and if he did come home, does he have a job to provide for you and the kids now? 

This is a difficult situation because I don't believe in divorce either, and this isn't a situation involving adultery.  You threw him out.  He didn't abandon you.  Still, he isn't stepping up and doing his job as a man by providing for his family.  Would that change if he returned now?  There is something going on in his head that makes him feel as he does, blaming you for his failures and things like that.  Is there any more you can add to why?  Being bi-polar is difficult to deal with, but you did make vows that included in sickness and in health.  Still, I understand how his lashing out at you will tear your nerves up.  That is not healthy for you, and isn't a good environment for your kids.  Is your husband on medication to help control his bi-polar condition?  That can help. 

I get the feeling your husband really wants to come home.  I am just going to give advise based on what I know the Bible says.  If he is working, he has indicated he won't help you because you threw him out.  You can try telling him that if he continues to hold down a job and supports you and the kids, and if he seeks a psychiatrist about getting meds for his bi-polar condition and promises to take those meds faithfully, you will give him another chance.  The Bible counsels a Christian woman who is married to an unbeliever to walk before him with a meek and quiet spirit and be an example, with the hope that he will see your good works and get right with God.  The easiest thing in the world would be for me to advise you to get a lawyer and make sure he supports you and the kids, but he just doesn't sound like the kind of person who will simply accept something like that without a fight.  The kids need a Mother and Father, and bi-polar meds might make the difference. 

Again, I don't have all the facts here.  Maybe he is already on meds, and they don't work.  Perhaps he is violent, though you didn't indicate that.  Maybe he won't work even though you cannot.  Biblically, the man is supposed to earn a living, and you should be able to be the one that stays home and takes care of the children, not him.  If you have had a role reversal arrangement in the past, I don't see how he can make light of your contribution.  You are taking on his role.  What it comes down to is I understand he is emotionally abusive, and I am sorry you are having to go through that, but there is just not enough information to advise you exactly what to do.  Consider the fact that being bi-polar is an illness and whether or not it can be controlled by meds, and if your husband wants to come home.  No matter what you decide, this is a sad situation, and I know it won't be easy for you either way, with him or without him.  I am sorry you are going through this.  One thing I would try to break is this sort of probation mentality, where every time he loses it, you throw him out only to take him back.  If he is bi-polar, he will have his episodes.  You will just have to accept that.  The biggest concern I have is the fact he won't support you and the kids.  The fact you cannot work may be what is necessary to force him to step up to the plate as you said.  You know more about what is happening than I do, so if you know in your heart what I am suggesting won't work, use your own judgment.  The one sure thing I can suggest is that you pray about it.  God will give you better help than I can. 

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On ‎9‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 8:23 PM, Butero said:

I am a bit perplexed by something here.  You said your husband won't work, and won't give you any help with support for you or the kids.  What is he doing now?  How is he making it on his own if he won't work?  How can someone who isn't working going to be able to send you any child support, when that is based on a percentage of his salary?  He is clearly in the wrong.  The Bible says that a man that won't support his family is worse than an infidel and has denied the faith.  Does he claim to be a Christian?  Why does he accuse you of being responsible for his failures?  What is that accusation based on?  You said that he said that since you kicked him out, you are on your own.  Does he want to come back, and if he did come home, does he have a job to provide for you and the kids now? 

This is a difficult situation because I don't believe in divorce either, and this isn't a situation involving adultery.  You threw him out.  He didn't abandon you.  Still, he isn't stepping up and doing his job as a man by providing for his family.  Would that change if he returned now?  There is something going on in his head that makes him feel as he does, blaming you for his failures and things like that.  Is there any more you can add to why?  Being bi-polar is difficult to deal with, but you did make vows that included in sickness and in health.  Still, I understand how his lashing out at you will tear your nerves up.  That is not healthy for you, and isn't a good environment for your kids.  Is your husband on medication to help control his bi-polar condition?  That can help. 

I get the feeling your husband really wants to come home.  I am just going to give advise based on what I know the Bible says.  If he is working, he has indicated he won't help you because you threw him out.  You can try telling him that if he continues to hold down a job and supports you and the kids, and if he seeks a psychiatrist about getting meds for his bi-polar condition and promises to take those meds faithfully, you will give him another chance.  The Bible counsels a Christian woman who is married to an unbeliever to walk before him with a meek and quiet spirit and be an example, with the hope that he will see your good works and get right with God.  The easiest thing in the world would be for me to advise you to get a lawyer and make sure he supports you and the kids, but he just doesn't sound like the kind of person who will simply accept something like that without a fight.  The kids need a Mother and Father, and bi-polar meds might make the difference. 

Again, I don't have all the facts here.  Maybe he is already on meds, and they don't work.  Perhaps he is violent, though you didn't indicate that.  Maybe he won't work even though you cannot.  Biblically, the man is supposed to earn a living, and you should be able to be the one that stays home and takes care of the children, not him.  If you have had a role reversal arrangement in the past, I don't see how he can make light of your contribution.  You are taking on his role.  What it comes down to is I understand he is emotionally abusive, and I am sorry you are having to go through that, but there is just not enough information to advise you exactly what to do.  Consider the fact that being bi-polar is an illness and whether or not it can be controlled by meds, and if your husband wants to come home.  No matter what you decide, this is a sad situation, and I know it won't be easy for you either way, with him or without him.  I am sorry you are going through this.  One thing I would try to break is this sort of probation mentality, where every time he loses it, you throw him out only to take him back.  If he is bi-polar, he will have his episodes.  You will just have to accept that.  The biggest concern I have is the fact he won't support you and the kids.  The fact you cannot work may be what is necessary to force him to step up to the plate as you said.  You know more about what is happening than I do, so if you know in your heart what I am suggesting won't work, use your own judgment.  The one sure thing I can suggest is that you pray about it.  God will give you better help than I can. 

Hello! Thanks much for your reply..

He does work. On top of that he collects SSI! Has 3 sources of income.. I wouldn't be contemplating filing, if he didn't. Wouldn't kick him while he is down. -though he has to me. But the Lord gave me such a weak heart.-alot of the reason why I would let him back in. But precisely because I don't want my kids further scared, is why I haven't let him back anymore though he did ask. No point in going in same circles and expecting results. Did that for way to long.

I tried the humble wife approach. But seems like that just gave him wind to be more jerk,and he would literally bring me to the ground in tears. He is VERY verbally and emotionally abusive. This is why I have had to ask him to leave,in a desperate attempt to remove the hate my kids were hearing. But there has been no change and he won't do meds,and says counseling is not for him. What gets me,is,I have two friends that are bipolar. And NEVER have I seen them act the way he does. They respect their spouse,and love their children! So I'm thinking its more of a personality thing.. Or Satan plays with his head. He claims to be Christian.Reads his bible EVERY day. Talks about God to everyone. Yet at home acts like the devil himself! And I would tell him that the love for God starts in your own home. Can't talk the talk and not walk the walk..

Yes. Those vows are exactly what played in my head everytime he would start attack. But you can only take so much. When you beg someone to stop being so mean and plea they stop because kids are listening,and they just keep going and saying horrid things,you have no choice. kinda like when there's a drunk that is offensive,and being a problem, he is asked to leave.(bad comparison, but true)

have prayed alot. Cried alot.. I have tried to encourage he see the kids. Because regardless of if he helps financially, his kids are still his kids.-no matter what the relationship between him and I. But 9 out of 10 xs when I text him, I get insulted or interrogated or accused.. He questions me if I'm seeing someone. Yet sits there and says what ever he does is no longer my business cause I kicked him out. Then has showed up unannounced and let himself in and parade through my home inspecting every room! Very controlling and manipulative. I'm so tired.

Sometimes I want to get a restraining order. But I think of my kids and how they would miss out on seeing their dad.though they've seen him only twice in the 4 months he's been gone. Just praying for a solution

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6 hours ago, readytogiveup said:

Hello! Thanks much for your reply..

He does work. On top of that he collects SSI! Has 3 sources of income.. I wouldn't be contemplating filing, if he didn't. Wouldn't kick him while he is down. -though he has to me. But the Lord gave me such a weak heart.-alot of the reason why I would let him back in. But precisely because I don't want my kids further scared, is why I haven't let him back anymore though he did ask. No point in going in same circles and expecting results. Did that for way to long.

I tried the humble wife approach. But seems like that just gave him wind to be more jerk,and he would literally bring me to the ground in tears. He is VERY verbally and emotionally abusive. This is why I have had to ask him to leave,in a desperate attempt to remove the hate my kids were hearing. But there has been no change and he won't do meds,and says counseling is not for him. What gets me,is,I have two friends that are bipolar. And NEVER have I seen them act the way he does. They respect their spouse,and love their children! So I'm thinking its more of a personality thing.. Or Satan plays with his head. He claims to be Christian.Reads his bible EVERY day. Talks about God to everyone. Yet at home acts like the devil himself! And I would tell him that the love for God starts in your own home. Can't talk the talk and not walk the walk..

Yes. Those vows are exactly what played in my head everytime he would start attack. But you can only take so much. When you beg someone to stop being so mean and plea they stop because kids are listening,and they just keep going and saying horrid things,you have no choice. kinda like when there's a drunk that is offensive,and being a problem, he is asked to leave.(bad comparison, but true)

have prayed alot. Cried alot.. I have tried to encourage he see the kids. Because regardless of if he helps financially, his kids are still his kids.-no matter what the relationship between him and I. But 9 out of 10 xs when I text him, I get insulted or interrogated or accused.. He questions me if I'm seeing someone. Yet sits there and says what ever he does is no longer my business cause I kicked him out. Then has showed up unannounced and let himself in and parade through my home inspecting every room! Very controlling and manipulative. I'm so tired.

Sometimes I want to get a restraining order. But I think of my kids and how they would miss out on seeing their dad.though they've seen him only twice in the 4 months he's been gone. Just praying for a solution

 I don't think everything you described is just bi-polar.  Some of it is, but not all of it.  He seems to have serious anger issues and distrust.  You said you tried the humble wife approach.  How long?  You seem to have described a pattern of you asking him to leave and taking him back over and over and over again, and he would be the same way.  Did you give it a fair chance, or did you give up when he started saying nasty things a time or two when you were doing your best?  Unless you give this a fair chance over a long period of time, he isn't going to recognize things are any different than they were before.  He will keep being the same "jerk." 

Without meds, he will keep being up and down, and he clearly needs counseling.  Do you think that if you told him he could come home if he sees a psychiatrist regularly and takes his meds, he would consider doing that?  Then you could try the Biblical counsel of being the submissive and humble wife and see how things go.  One thing I would tell you though.  Even if you do that, and he stays on his meds and gets help, there will be times he will blow up over nothing.  Nothing will change overnight or be perfect.  You would literally have to learn to take a certain amount of tongue lashings, because he has anger problems and it has become habitual.  This is something that will only get better over time, and I doubt will ever be perfect. 

I was re-reading your original post.  How did you come up with that arrangement where you would take care of the expenses and he would take care of the home?  Often times, those kinds of arrangements don't work.  Men have this thing built in where they feel they must be in control, or at least feel like they are.  It sounds like you have a type of role reversal thing that was in place and that likely made him feel like less than a man.  A guy having to come to his wife for money and get permission to use it for a car is going to make him angry.  That is especially true if he is working.  I have known of a lot of men who will work all week and give all the money to their wife to manage and get a very small amount of spending money back they are supposed to get by on.  Then, they have to practically beg for anything else, if their wife doesn't think they need that much.  They become very resentful, because they are working and can barely get by.  I can't put my finger on it, but I can tell something was wrong with the arrangement you had, and that was causing some of the anger.  You are handling the bills and the money, and in return, he is taking care of the house, but he is supposed to make the payments on a car you gave him the down payment for out of savings, I assume was built up from money you both earned, that neither of you were supposed to touch.  Who came up with the plan that neither of you was to touch any of that money? 

I think some of this is bi-polar, and some is inner anger on your husband's part because he feels like he is not in charge, and God has put it inside of men that they are to be the head of their home.  It doesn't have to be taught.  It is just something on the inside.  You probably both are in need of counseling together.  I know there are two sides to every story, and without getting both sides here, it is hard to know what more to suggest.  It is like I can see mistakes made by both of you in this marriage, but you would both have to be willing to work out something that is really satisfactory to both of you.  It can't be something you come up with that he can only come home if you do things this way or that way.  It needs to be something where you both sit down and come up with a plan that is REALLY fine with both of you with regard to the money, the household chores, and everything else.  Come up with something to where if it isn't working our, it can be re-considered.  Neither should throw it in the face of the other that they agreed to this so it is set in stone forever.  If someone has a problem, talk it out.  His ego won't let him feel like he is not in control and his wife is in charge.  A lot of women don't understand that, and it causes a lot of strife as there is a constant fight for control taking place. 

There are a lot of unanswered questions here.  He needs to see a psychiatrist to get the bi-polar situation under control, and you both need marriage counseling from a Christian counselor that actually believes in following scripture.  That is the best thing I can suggest.  I pray that God gives you wisdom in how to proceed from here. 

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On 8/22/2017 at 4:15 PM, readytogiveup said:

Hello all, I'm very new here..looking for support/advice from fellow Christians!

I was with him for 16 years. During this time we "seperated" numerous times. I would admit him back after seeing his struggles. It would hurt my soul to see him hurting. Even though when he said the most monstrous things to me,didn't hurt HIS soul one bit ? I wanted to fight for my marriage,since he was and always will be the love of my life. But unfortunately he is Bipolar and let Satan use this far to often. I tried to be understanding but the cuts just got deeper with time. He got so mean and so verbally and emotionally abusive,it started to affect our children.

Fast forward to 2 years ago...I let him move back in because he promised me a list of things... Everything was very good for a while.. But when he would get very upset,he'd aim to kill with his words.

Each of us had our roles at home. I carried all expenses pertaining to the family...rent,car,utilities,toiletries,cell phones-EVERYTHING. He handled household needs like cleaning,cooking,laundry. It worked for everyone,but when he would have an episode,he'd throw it in my face!( the I do everything and you do nothing card).

Towards the end, I went and got a loan for a car he said he needed in order to work for Uber. Handed him 4500 for down payment from a savings account we weren't supposed to touch.. He promised he would pay it back and never screw me over with failed payments.(since he had with prior car I put myself on the line for). Long story short, he's very behind on payments,they called me saying they're ready to repossess! He left almost 4 months ago and not a dime for child/spousal support. Found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after he left. -which I love my kids but we both promised we were DONE. I was blessed with 4 b, 4 g so it was a perfect even team. I had plans to travel out of state to do a summer gig that was financially beneficial to our family. That was out the window soon as I saw a positive test due to how ill I got. Our last child was only 3 months old!

I got very depressed. And to make matters worse,he'd text me with interrogating,accusing,assuming remarks. Most of the time very rude and abusive.

He hates me and accuses me of his failures and tells me I'm on my own now since I kicked him out ☹ What was I supposed to do, if even after I got him the vehicle he refused to be"pressured" to work! After I brought up the conversation and reminded him he had promised to help,he exploded in such a way,I had no other option but to ask him to leave.

Throughout the years,every time he left, I NEVER asked him for financial support. Even let him take our only vehicle,leaving me and children on foot. But I'm kinda tired of taking the fall. And since I am presently unable to work,due to pregnancy(nobody will hire me) and due to what it would cost for childcare, I feel he should finally step up!

So, I need advice. This a very hard and painful process for me. I don't believe in divorce but my heart can't take any more injury. Any advice greatly appreciated..especially from anyone who knows the steps behind the legal process. Thank you kindly for reading. God bless

Did you know this man was bipolar when you married him? I like to hear two sides of a story usually before I give out advise. You said that you were being abused I guess you had no choice but to leave him. You and your children need to be safe. If you are a praying woman  I suggest you give this whole incident to God in prayer. Do you have a Pastor? You might want to talk to him about where you can get legal advise.

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6 hours ago, missmuffet said:

Did you know this man was bipolar when you married him? I like to hear two sides of a story usually before I give out advise. You said that you were being abused I guess you had no choice but to leave him. You and your children need to be safe. If you are a praying woman  I suggest you give this whole incident to God in prayer. Do you have a Pastor? You might want to talk to him about where you can get legal advise.

I was thinking the same thing about not having enough information.  The abuse she mentioned was verbal abuse, not physical abuse, so it appears nobody was in any actual danger.  It was more of an issue of creating a stressful situation.  Being bi-polar is an illness, and I know it is hard for people living with someone with that condition to deal with the mood swings, but I know that when we get married, we do make a vow to remain with that person in sickness and in health.  Just from the original post, when reading it, I can tell there were mistakes made by both people involved.  In order to fix things, it would be helpful if both were in counseling together.  I really don't think this marriage is beyond repair.  That is just my opinion based on what little I read.  

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I'm not going to try and give him an armchair diagnosis or guess the would've, could've, should've; I'm not qualified and know from VERY personal and painful experience, it comes across as victim blaming and helps no one. I just want to say that my heart hurts for you. While there are some differences of course, much of what you have described hits VERY close to home and I can relate. The Lord knows, I did everything I knew to do, OVER and OVER again for 25 years, to no avail. 

I am praying for you and your situation. 

If you ever want to talk, please accept my offer to be here for you. You may contact me privately any time.

God bless you.

Wanda

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1 hour ago, Butero said:

I was thinking the same thing about not having enough information.  The abuse she mentioned was verbal abuse, not physical abuse, so it appears nobody was in any actual danger.  It was more of an issue of creating a stressful situation.  Being bi-polar is an illness, and I know it is hard for people living with someone with that condition to deal with the mood swings, but I know that when we get married, we do make a vow to remain with that person in sickness and in health.  Just from the original post, when reading it, I can tell there were mistakes made by both people involved.  In order to fix things, it would be helpful if both were in counseling together.  I really don't think this marriage is beyond repair.  That is just my opinion based on what little I read.  

If a person is going to marry someone and they know that person is bipolar they had better take a good hard look at that. It is a huge responsibility and having children in that situation is really going to complicate the marriage. It is something that is not gone into lightly.

It would be very difficult not to see that a person is bipolar when spending some time with them.

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4 hours ago, missmuffet said:

If a person is going to marry someone and they know that person is bipolar they had better take a good hard look at that. It is a huge responsibility and having children in that situation is really going to complicate the marriage. It is something that is not gone into lightly.

It would be very difficult not to see that a person is bipolar when spending some time with them.

Hi! Actually, no I didn't know. He didn't act the way he does now.not even close! It was til after we had a couple of kids,that he started to really just have extreme episodes. And even then,we both thought it was ptsd and anxiety. I started to do research and alot of his behavior spelled out borderline.. But I stuck with him regardless, with FOREVER set in my heart and mind. The times I did kick him out,I did it to allow cooling off and to instantly stop the ragefull attacks going on at that moment.-always thinking of the kids.. But I prayed and asked God to take control EACH time,and that's usually when he would show up. So I took it as a sign that God didn't want me to walk away. Things would be good for a while,but then again-explotion.. I never expected perfect. I actually never demanded much.just respect that's it! Seems like the one thing I wanted was the one thing he couldn't give.

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6 hours ago, readytogiveup said:

Hi! Actually, no I didn't know. He didn't act the way he does now.not even close! It was til after we had a couple of kids,that he started to really just have extreme episodes. And even then,we both thought it was ptsd and anxiety. I started to do research and alot of his behavior spelled out borderline.. But I stuck with him regardless, with FOREVER set in my heart and mind. The times I did kick him out,I did it to allow cooling off and to instantly stop the ragefull attacks going on at that moment.-always thinking of the kids.. But I prayed and asked God to take control EACH time,and that's usually when he would show up. So I took it as a sign that God didn't want me to walk away. Things would be good for a while,but then again-explotion.. I never expected perfect. I actually never demanded much.just respect that's it! Seems like the one thing I wanted was the one thing he couldn't give.

Throwing someone out of the house because they lose their temper to cool off is not a good idea.  It is one thing to walk out of the room and cool off, and another to throw someone out.  It doesn't sound like he was any threat to the kids.  There was no actual violence.  He just raised his voice and said bad things to you, if I understand you correctly.  I personally think that this marriage can be saved.  Is it really about the kids?  There are two ways to look at that.  It is bad that they hear arguing.  I grew up listening to fights, and yes, it got on my nerves, but I wanted both of my parents around.  I would not have preferred they split up for peace.  Thankfully, they remained together.  How often does he blow up, and what leads to the fights? 

In looking back at some of the things that were said, I wonder who engineers the deals about how things are to be run.  Who came up with that idea about him taking care of the house and you paying the bills?  I would have never put up with that kind of arrangement, so I doubt it was his idea.  He may have agreed to it, but did he really want that, or was it forced on him?  There are too many questions here about why things got the way they are.  Biblically, the husband is supposed to be the head of the house, and it doesn't sound like he ever was.  It sounds like there was a power struggle taking place.  When you said you carried all the expenses, it gave the impression he didn't work.  Did you mean that you literally paid all the bills out of money you earned, and he kept everything he made, or did you just mean you handled the finances?  If you just handled the finances, I can see him being upset by such an arrangement.  If you mean he kept everything he earned personally, then I can't see why he couldn't afford a car.  I know there are details here that are missing that are important to understanding what is taking place. 

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14 hours ago, Butero said:

Throwing someone out of the house because they lose their temper to cool off is not a good idea.  It is one thing to walk out of the room and cool off, and another to throw someone out.  It doesn't sound like he was any threat to the kids.  There was no actual violence.  He just raised his voice and said bad things to you, if I understand you correctly.  I personally think that this marriage can be saved.  Is it really about the kids?  There are two ways to look at that.  It is bad that they hear arguing.  I grew up listening to fights, and yes, it got on my nerves, but I wanted both of my parents around.  I would not have preferred they split up for peace.  Thankfully, they remained together.  How often does he blow up, and what leads to the fights? 

In looking back at some of the things that were said, I wonder who engineers the deals about how things are to be run.  Who came up with that idea about him taking care of the house and you paying the bills?  I would have never put up with that kind of arrangement, so I doubt it was his idea.  He may have agreed to it, but did he really want that, or was it forced on him?  There are too many questions here about why things got the way they are.  Biblically, the husband is supposed to be the head of the house, and it doesn't sound like he ever was.  It sounds like there was a power struggle taking place.  When you said you carried all the expenses, it gave the impression he didn't work.  Did you mean that you literally paid all the bills out of money you earned, and he kept everything he made, or did you just mean you handled the finances?  If you just handled the finances, I can see him being upset by such an arrangement.  If you mean he kept everything he earned personally, then I can't see why he couldn't afford a car.  I know there are details here that are missing that are important to understanding what is taking place. 

Hi. Well, he is very o.c.d. I would clean and he would always come behind me and re clean his way. So after a while of playing that game, i just agreed to let him do it.As far as arrangement, never really was an actual arrangement. Just kinda happened. He claimed he couldn't work so he took it upon himself to attend to the home instead. He kept saying it was the least he could do. That it kept his mind busy. I ran a in home business, so it did help. And I always did let him know that I appreciated his help. I didn't only handle the finances, I paid all bills. I in numerous occasions did tell him it would be good for him to search for maybe a part time. -just so he can get out for a bit. Would make him feel better,since he struggled with depression. He would get upset and felt pressured.

when he would start to work up anger, and start being mean, I would try to go for a walk, to get away from the situation,since my suggestion he do so, fell on deaf ears. He would imprison me and physically hold me down! In my attempt to get loose,I at times did head bop him,but only to have him hold me tighter. Things did get out of hand. I don't deny my wrong in that. But I considered that in a way self defense. Though it WAS fighting fire with fire.

Verbal wasn't all he did. I can't tell you how many times he destroyed the walls,punching through the sheetrock. How many things he broke.-including my cell phone once cause he thought I was texting with a man.. How many threats he threw at me. The more frequent one cps, saying they would take our kids,split them up in foster homes. My kids would cry when they heard that. These were the moments that made me ask him to leave. Not to get even. Not to humiliate him, not cause I felt like the boss. Just to remove the problem. The evil that was affecting my children...

 

Yes. He kept his money. Kept saying it was to buy his car. But he never did. He would spend a little on ice cream for kids, taking them to the 2dollar theatre. And I didn't really question,since every man is entitled to feel human, and treat their kids a day out every once in a while. -have a little spending money in his wallet... But I figured he had to be putting most of it away... Well when I asked him if he was close to his goal for car,he said he had nothing saved! This is a portion of why this last time I asked him to leave. Everything just had collected and piled. His financial irresponsibility,his not being greatful or appreciative of anything,his rude and hurtful comments,high irritability towards kids. Overly disciplined them. And when he said something was to be done certain way, I respected it. But when I said something, he stepped on my toes. And he could reverse his decisions, change his mind about whatever as far as kids. But if I did it, or showed signs of wanting to, it would bother him. Just to much to write. To many years,to many tears and heartache

 

I know the bible says a wife must be humble and submissive. But it also says a husband has to lead with love and patience,and Gods guidance. If the husband does not know how to lead, how can a wife follow. If the husband talks about the Lord one day, and the next day acts like he's been possessed by multiple demons, which do you believe? I prayed hard,and chose to believe in Gods miracles. But in the process, was allowing my kids to be damaged ?

Edited by readytogiveup
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