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readytogiveup

Seeking legal seperation after 16 years-6 kids,4 mnths pregnant. Emotionally abusive husband

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Butero    9,767
11 hours ago, readytogiveup said:

Hi. Well, he is very o.c.d. I would clean and he would always come behind me and re clean his way. So after a while of playing that game, i just agreed to let him do it.As far as arrangement, never really was an actual arrangement. Just kinda happened. He claimed he couldn't work so he took it upon himself to attend to the home instead. He kept saying it was the least he could do. That it kept his mind busy. I ran a in home business, so it did help. And I always did let him know that I appreciated his help. I didn't only handle the finances, I paid all bills. I in numerous occasions did tell him it would be good for him to search for maybe a part time. -just so he can get out for a bit. Would make him feel better,since he struggled with depression. He would get upset and felt pressured.

when he would start to work up anger, and start being mean, I would try to go for a walk, to get away from the situation,since my suggestion he do so, fell on deaf ears. He would imprison me and physically hold me down! In my attempt to get loose,I at times did head bop him,but only to have him hold me tighter. Things did get out of hand. I don't deny my wrong in that. But I considered that in a way self defense. Though it WAS fighting fire with fire.

Verbal wasn't all he did. I can't tell you how many times he destroyed the walls,punching through the sheetrock. How many things he broke.-including my cell phone once cause he thought I was texting with a man.. How many threats he threw at me. The more frequent one cps, saying they would take our kids,split them up in foster homes. My kids would cry when they heard that. These were the moments that made me ask him to leave. Not to get even. Not to humiliate him, not cause I felt like the boss. Just to remove the problem. The evil that was affecting my children...

 

Yes. He kept his money. Kept saying it was to buy his car. But he never did. He would spend a little on ice cream for kids, taking them to the 2dollar theatre. And I didn't really question,since every man is entitled to feel human, and treat their kids a day out every once in a while. -have a little spending money in his wallet... But I figured he had to be putting most of it away... Well when I asked him if he was close to his goal for car,he said he had nothing saved! This is a portion of why this last time I asked him to leave. Everything just had collected and piled. His financial irresponsibility,his not being greatful or appreciative of anything,his rude and hurtful comments,high irritability towards kids. Overly disciplined them. And when he said something was to be done certain way, I respected it. But when I said something, he stepped on my toes. And he could reverse his decisions, change his mind about whatever as far as kids. But if I did it, or showed signs of wanting to, it would bother him. Just to much to write. To many years,to many tears and heartache

 

I know the bible says a wife must be humble and submissive. But it also says a husband has to lead with love and patience,and Gods guidance. If the husband does not know how to lead, how can a wife follow. If the husband talks about the Lord one day, and the next day acts like he's been possessed by multiple demons, which do you believe? I prayed hard,and chose to believe in Gods miracles. But in the process, was allowing my kids to be damaged 😢

Your situation is clearly worse than the way it came across, especially with him holding you down to keep you from leaving, and punching holes in the wall and being destructive.  It sounds like he is on his way to becoming violent without psychiatric help, which you said he refuses to get.  At the same time, if you head bopped him and he didn't lay a hand on you, I am not so sure about that.  Cleaning up behind you just sounds like Felix Unger on "The Odd Couple.:  It seems like you could have just let that slide.  Still, the other stuff is serious.  

I do have one thing I still don't get.  You said your husband works and has three sources of income.  When did he start working?  Has he been responsible to hold down a job?  How long was he out of work?  

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11 hours ago, Butero said:

Your situation is clearly worse than the way it came across, especially with him holding you down to keep you from leaving, and punching holes in the wall and being destructive.  It sounds like he is on his way to becoming violent without psychiatric help, which you said he refuses to get.  At the same time, if you head bopped him and he didn't lay a hand on you, I am not so sure about that.  Cleaning up behind you just sounds like Felix Unger on "The Odd Couple.:  It seems like you could have just let that slide.  Still, the other stuff is serious.  

I do have one thing I still don't get.  You said your husband works and has three sources of income.  When did he start working?  Has he been responsible to hold down a job?  How long was he out of work?  

The head bob started when I got tired of him hurting my wrist from how hard he was holding me. Then it progressed to bear holds,to where I felt completely trapped.

Cleaning after me wasn't so much what was harmful. What affected me was how irritated he seemed, and actually told me a few times that my mother didn't teach me how to clean. That he had to do everything so it was done right. Made me feel worthless 😩

 

He couldn't really ever hold a job down. He would get in fights with the boss. Or decide he didn't like being told how to do his job. Then he finally got approved by SSI. And just got comfortable with that for years. Until he discovered Uber...Tried that for a while and actually was VERY good at it. One of the top drivers in our area! But the car we had got to be past the allowed age. So he became the stay at home parent,while I went out to work. But then THAT got to him,being home all the time,routine. Long story short, I ended up helping him get the car for him to Uber. After 3 weeks of having the car,when I asked him about if he was now going to help with bills,he exploded and started being very rude! It got so bad, I had no choice but to ask him to leave. So now he lives elsewhere and pays close to nothing in rent,has no bills(other than car payment,which he's behind 2 payments on)He comes and goes as he pleases announcing himself as single,without a worry at the least about his kids. Uses the bible to suit and fit his convenience, and ignores the rest! Idk WHAT to do anymore

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Butero    9,767
On ‎9‎/‎13‎/‎2017 at 11:41 PM, readytogiveup said:

The head bob started when I got tired of him hurting my wrist from how hard he was holding me. Then it progressed to bear holds,to where I felt completely trapped.

Cleaning after me wasn't so much what was harmful. What affected me was how irritated he seemed, and actually told me a few times that my mother didn't teach me how to clean. That he had to do everything so it was done right. Made me feel worthless 😩

 

He couldn't really ever hold a job down. He would get in fights with the boss. Or decide he didn't like being told how to do his job. Then he finally got approved by SSI. And just got comfortable with that for years. Until he discovered Uber...Tried that for a while and actually was VERY good at it. One of the top drivers in our area! But the car we had got to be past the allowed age. So he became the stay at home parent,while I went out to work. But then THAT got to him,being home all the time,routine. Long story short, I ended up helping him get the car for him to Uber. After 3 weeks of having the car,when I asked him about if he was now going to help with bills,he exploded and started being very rude! It got so bad, I had no choice but to ask him to leave. So now he lives elsewhere and pays close to nothing in rent,has no bills(other than car payment,which he's behind 2 payments on)He comes and goes as he pleases announcing himself as single,without a worry at the least about his kids. Uses the bible to suit and fit his convenience, and ignores the rest! Idk WHAT to do anymore

I understand about a professing Christian misusing scripture to justify bad behavior.  That is all too common in this day and age.  Biblically, if a man doesn't provide for his own family, he is worse than an infidel and has denied the faith.  That is what the Bible teaches.  If someone is really following the Bible and the proper order for the family, the man should be the provider, and his wife shouldn't have to work a job.  She should be free to take care of the kids and the home and be a full time homemaker.  It makes me wonder if your husband doesn't know the scriptures or doesn't care.  It wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't know them, as most in this generation don't follow the Bible.  The husband is supposed to be the head of the home, but he is to be responsible too. 

I can clearly see why you are at your wits end.  I am not sure that you really had no choice but to ask him to leave.  You clearly did have a choice, but I can see why you were fed up.  If your husband was back home right now, is he capable of supporting you and your family with his three sources of income?  Is it possible for you to be a stay at home Mom?  If you were to put things in such a way to where everything was on him, and the well being of the entire family was his responsibility, do you think he would step up to the plate and be a man, or would you lose everything and be out on the street? 

I think some of what is going on with his single, care free attitude is his way of getting back at you for throwing him out.  That wouldn't be the same if he was back home.  He clearly has bad habits, like neglecting his bills.  You are the one living through this.  It is impossible to get a clear picture from a handful of posts on a message board.  The only fix for this marriage is to follow the Bible, and that means both of you, and that is only possible if you both are willing to do so.  The goal has to be that your husband has a job that pays well enough to support his family.  He seems like the type that doesn't need to be around a supervisor all day, but needs to be working by himself.  I don't like working directly with a supervisor either, so truck driving has been good for me.  Your husband could make good money doing something like that and get free training.  The money could be direct deposited into your bank account and he could get by on advances while on the road.  Just a suggestion.  You have a large family, and the kids need you at home. 

I can tell you this much from experience.  No man is happy when he can't pay his bills.  He won't feel good about himself when his wife and kids aren't cared for.  If your husband is two payments behind on the car, that is because he can't afford to catch it up, so that tells me his job is not paying enough.  He needs training in something that pays better.  I guarantee he has a very low self image, if for no other reason, than he can't pay his bills on time.  Things would change dramatically if he were able to find a job he likes that pays well. 

Your husband's obsession with cleaning up behind you is another mental issue.  That would get on anyone's nerves, but it is a sickness of sorts.  He is bi-polar and obsessive compulsive.  That is not a good combination, plus he has a temper and no patience.  Do you think driving a truck might be something he could do?  If he could do that, he would be on the road a lot of the time, you could still be technically together, and he should be in a better position to support his family.  It is just a thought.  There is no easy fix here because he clearly can't support a family on his income, so your legal separation and demands for child support won't give you the help you need.  You said he wants to come home.  Perhaps if you told him that if he gets his act together first, shows he is responsible and can hold down a job to where he can support his family, and proves himself, then he can return home.  Tell him something like that his family needs him, but he has to be the man of the house, which means he makes sure his family is provided for. 

1 Timothy 5:8 "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel."

God placed that burden on the man, not the woman.  He can't just immediately have the ability to be a good provider, but he can get training to do something to where he can move in that direction.  He also needs to learn that being the man of the house means he needs to learn to work well with others.  He needs to realize when he flies off the handle and gets himself fired, that effects not only him, but the family God has placed him over to love and protect.  Don't make any quick decisions, but think carefully how you proceed.  Ultimately, your husband has to want to change for anything to work.  If he won't be the provider and if neither of you want to fully follow Biblical guidelines, nothing will change.  All any of us here at Worthy can do is pray for you.  The only other thing I can advise, and I believe I already did, was that you both seek counseling together. 

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