How to give biblical advice without putting someone down

[kaitlyn]

I have this friend and we've been really good friends for years now. Except she started falling down a bad path and I continued seeking Jesus. Well now she feels like she can't be redeemed and because her desires in her heart are to quit smoking and drinking that she knows she will continue to do it since she's tried so many times to stop. How do i help her without putting her down? I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to be better than her because I sin too just in different areas. Is it wrong of me to tell her to just pray about it and not worry about trying to change because God will do that in you if you ask and pray about it? Thank you for your help

[George]

Shalom Kaityn,

First of all, welcome to WCF and I've gone ahead and changed your status so you can reply easier.

Whenever I give advice, or instruction, I have to realize that God's Spirit is at work!   I realize, first, that if you want to LOSE an ARGUMENT or DISCUSSION FAST -- then offend the person you're speaking to!  People seem to FORGET that as soon as a person is OFFENDED, you've already lost the argument.  This is what Proverbs says,

Proverbs 18:19  A brother offended is like a strong city; and their disagreements are like the bars of a fortress. 

So when presenting something, you want to watch body language -- if their hands cross over as they are talking to you -- they are "defending themselves".  Be sure not to POINT ... pointing shows "judgment", but rather talk with OPEN arms.  Why ... because open arms is a means of saying -- I don't have anything hidden here ... and I'm not judging you.   As soon as you see that you are shut down in body language ... then pivot and save it for another day.  But if you have the opportunity ... then go as far as the Spirit of God would lead you.

Next, you want to present issues as a servant of God would.

2Ti 2:24  And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, 
2Ti 2:25  correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, 
2Ti 2:26  and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will. 

Notice that THEY recover themselves ... we simply need to be sure to present truth -- as Jesus did -- FULL OF GRACE and TRUTH!  We don't need to shy away from the truth, but we also need to be GRACEFUL when presenting the truth.

I trust that you'll keep us up to date with what's going on in your life,

God bless,

George

[enoob57]

On ‎9‎/‎7‎/‎2017 at 1:48 AM, kaitlyn said:

I have this friend and we've been really good friends for years now. Except she started falling down a bad path and I continued seeking Jesus. Well now she feels like she can't be redeemed and because her desires in her heart are to quit smoking and drinking that she knows she will continue to do it since she's tried so many times to stop. How do i help her without putting her down? I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to be better than her because I sin too just in different areas. Is it wrong of me to tell her to just pray about it and not worry about trying to change because God will do that in you if you ask and pray about it? Thank you for your help

As one becomes willing by God The Holy Spirit to enter the camp of eternity we find some endless truths that enable us to let go of this place we have began in... when God says 

2 Peter 3:9 (KJV)

[9] The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

and by this verse alone human responsibility is whispered but not defined... but I can tell you this that not one soul was predetermined to hell because God says this

Matthew 25:41 (KJV)

[41] Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:

more on this http://www.jesus-is-savior.com/salvation_webpages/06-purpose_of_hell.htm

Point being hell was never created for the children of Adam but as said... 

It is also reasonable as God addressed the Pharisees that day

John 8:44 (KJV)

[44] Ye are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father ye will do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.

[45] And because I tell you the truth, ye believe me not.

[46] Which of you convinceth me of sin? And if I say the truth, why do ye not believe me?

[47] He that is of God heareth God's words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God.

[48] Then answered the Jews, and said unto him, Say we not well that thou art a Samaritan, and hast a devil?

[49] Jesus answered, I have not a devil; but I honour my Father, and ye do dishonour me.

[50] And I seek not mine own glory: there is one that seeketh and judgeth.

We are vessels and God has placed within ourselves choice to remain in that which we began in  sin and death, (this would entail absolutely all of our being and the world we are in), or turn to the substance of faith generated by His Word drawing forth the light of repentance... when we see as God Sees and made able to ask to die to this begin (everything) and be completely new in Him... few there will be that find this for they are unwilling to let go of what they began in....
Love, Steven

[GandalfTheWise]

On 9/7/2017 at 1:48 AM, kaitlyn said:

I have this friend and we've been really good friends for years now. Except she started falling down a bad path and I continued seeking Jesus. Well now she feels like she can't be redeemed and because her desires in her heart are to quit smoking and drinking that she knows she will continue to do it since she's tried so many times to stop. How do i help her without putting her down? I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to be better than her because I sin too just in different areas. Is it wrong of me to tell her to just pray about it and not worry about trying to change because God will do that in you if you ask and pray about it? Thank you for your help

I've found that often (not always but often) sin, addictions, compulsive behaviors, and other such things are really symptoms of something deeper.  Until God deals with the root cause (or causes), the symptoms will continue to be there.

For example, consider someone with a broken leg in a cast.  I could condemn them for not being a very graceful dancer or not being able to go jogging with me.  No amount of will power or effort or what I tell them is going to make up for having a leg in a cast.  Once the leg heals and the cast is off, they could get back to dancing and jogging.  Or if I have the broken leg, I could condemn myself for not dancing well or jogging enough, but until the cast is off, I won't be able to very well.

Spiritually speaking, many of us, through abuse, neglect, spiritual trauma and hurt, spiritual attacks, and other such things, carry some deep wounds and trauma.  Some of us carry wounds and "broken legs" from childhood that have never been properly addressed and healed.  The symptoms of these things often come out as sin and compulsive behaviors that we never seem able to shake no matter how much will power and repentance we try to summon up.  The issue is that God needs to heal us of "the broken leg" so that we can dance again. Sometimes, we unintentionally pile on additional guilt and frustration on people (and ourselves!) because we try to deal with it through our own will power, dedication, commitment, discipline, etc. 

My wife and I once joined a church in the aftermath of a nasty split.  5 years after the split (and the church was on its 5th senior pastor since the split).  It was full of gossip, backbiting, anger, political maneuvering, and it was very unhealthy.  It seemed like every other week some type of drama was unfolding.  I had never seen anything like this in my life (and never have since then).  In hindsight, almost all of the problems stemmed from one simple thing.  Many long term members of the church had been deeply wounded and felt betrayed by the pastor during the original split.  This pain had turned into bitterness.  A few of them (including a couple board members) felt like they could never trust another pastor again and this spread throughout the church.  No amount of reasoning, confrontation, or anything was going to do much until God dealt with their pain and unforgiveness toward someone who had left years earlier.   The thing is, they had truly and deeply been hurt badly.  These were good people that had their church life pulled out from under them and basically been left on their own to deal with it.  Unfortunately, a few very influential people (who'd been members for decades) carried a root of unforgiveness and bitterness that spilled over into a lot of people.  They (and those of us who joined later) were so focused on the symptoms of the current church turmoil being the "real" problem that nothing could be resolved.  Sadly, it took a couple funerals years later (and long after we gave up and left) before the church calmed down.

The challenge is that it is not easy to see what this deep root cause is in others (and often ourselves).  We need to get to know people and listen a lot.  We need to be patient, ask wise questions, and not create more damage.  We often need God to give us good discernment about what is and is not the real problem in their lives.  We want to make sure that we have the same priorities for "fixing" someone that God does.  Sometimes the most obvious and troubling symptoms are not the main thing God wants to work on first.

So having said all of this, I'd counsel asking God to give you discernment and wisdom to see what God wants to do in your friend's life.  I think there's a good chance that the smoking and drinking were primarily driven by something else.  If that "something else" is not addressed, simply stopping the smoking and drinking will leave that "something else" in place and it will manifest itself again in some other undesirable behavior.  For example, did she start smoking and drinking because she was lonely and felt that would give her more friends and acceptance?  Was she lonely because she feels she's worthless?   What happened to make her feel worthless?    Was there a time of vulnerability in her life when the enemy used someone (perhaps a parent in a moment of anger) shouting "I wish we'd never have had you" to bury a lie deep into her that she's worthless.   I'm NOT saying that is what the case is for your friend!  But these are the types of burdens and crippling lies of the enemy that many of us carry hidden within that become broken legs that prevent us from dancing in the freedom God wants us to.   I just gave those questions and example to suggest the type of unfolding process and questions it takes to dig deeper into what God really wants to work on.  

There is a spiritual enemy in the world that wants to embed lies and hurts into our lives to cripple us.  It often takes God's light shining in our lives to see it.   God wants to heal those broken legs so we can dance and run and jump in freedom before Him.

 

 

 

[Guest Butero]

On ‎9‎/‎7‎/‎2017 at 2:48 AM, kaitlyn said:

I have this friend and we've been really good friends for years now. Except she started falling down a bad path and I continued seeking Jesus. Well now she feels like she can't be redeemed and because her desires in her heart are to quit smoking and drinking that she knows she will continue to do it since she's tried so many times to stop. How do i help her without putting her down? I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to be better than her because I sin too just in different areas. Is it wrong of me to tell her to just pray about it and not worry about trying to change because God will do that in you if you ask and pray about it? Thank you for your help

It comes down to how you talk to her.  She doesn't need scolding, but practical help.  If she starts a conversation with you about her struggles, she shouldn't get upset with you for giving your opinion.  I rarely go up to someone and start attacking them for their lifestyle.  That is casting pearls before swine, and it will come back to hurt you.  If someone approaches me with a problem, and they get an attitude because I say something they don't like, I remind them that they came to me, I didn't come to them, and I am just giving them my best advise.  

She is clearly not alone in battling with addictions.  Smoking, drinking, porn, drugs, anything, it is a battle for those going through it.  If your friend is really sorry, advise her to keep confessing her sins to God.  He promises he will forgive us if we confess our sins.  She should pour out her heart to God and tell him what a struggle she is going through, and ask him to deliver her.  She shouldn't stop trying to resist.  The Bible teaches us to resist.  Still, if she finds herself giving in to cigarettes or alcohol, she should confess that each day, and try again.  

We are all weak in some area, and Satan will play on those things, sort of like in sports, your opponent will strategize to go after your weakness, not your strength, to get the victory over you.  The main thing is that she not condemn herself and get discouraged to where she gives up, and that she not stop trying to resist.  "Try not to try" doesn't work.  It is not Biblical.  I know a person that teaches that, but that person is wrong.