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Adorable80

His exwife live with us

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I need wise advice if I should leave or stay with my husband because he allow his exwife and her girlfriend live with us in our house?  I tried everything to make my husband to understand that he is wrong not suppose to let them live with us but he still stubborn.   Do you think it is part of affair when his exwife live with us but I know my hustand not sleep or sex with her but they sleep in different room.  I think my husband just worry not want his exwife to be homeless because they lost jobs.  I don't understand why my husband still want to help his exwife after they got divorced.  It is very weird and I never heard of anyone same my situation.   My husband will not give them deadline to move out but he is stubborn.    My parents think I should stay marry because we have 2 kids but I think my husband is still in relationship with his exwife which is part of affair?  

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I can't tell you to leave your husband, but I don't blame you for being upset over this situation.  He ex-wife shouldn't be living with you.  You mentioned her girlfriend?  Is she a lesbian?  You said they sleep in a different room.  Does your husband sleep in the same room with you?  His ex-wife being in the same house doesn't make him guilty of adultery, and he very well may not be having an affair.  If she is a lesbian, he probably is not, but the chances are that if she stays in your home too long, he could wind up having an affair with her.  You really do have a mess on your hands, and I sympathize with you.  

If it was your husband seeking advise, I would tell him that he is wrong to have his ex-wife living with you, and he needs to give them a time table to leave, perhaps a couple of weeks.  Then he needs to be firm.  I understand about not wanting his ex-wife to be homeless, but this situation is not reasonable to you.  Sadly, he is not the one wanting advise. 

You can't make others do what is right.  Your husband has a mind of his own.  His ex-wife needs a job.  Helping her get a job would speed things up.  Instead of fighting over this, even though you are in the right, try the reverse and be understanding.  Help this woman find a job and a place of her own.  In the meantime, unless you have proof your husband is cheating on you, give him the benefit of the doubt that he is not.  Do what the Bible says you should do as a good wife, and turn the other cheek.  Again, I fully understand why you are upset.  I am not taking your husband's side.  I am trying to advise you because you are the one seeking help, and your husband will clearly not do right.  I do think it is possible this situation can work itself out.  Keep us posted.  

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I agree with Butero, this should not be going on and it is just a bad situation. Sorry you are going though this i'm sure it is very hard and awkward. Since you can't force him my advice you is to get on your knees and pray that the Lord help you and intervene with your husband so he does the Godly thing. Pray for your marriage that the Lord would strengthen it and Pray also for his ex-wife that God would open a door for them to have another place to stay.

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21 hours ago, Adorable80 said:

I need wise advice if I should leave or stay with my husband because he allow his exwife and her girlfriend live with us in our house?  I tried everything to make my husband to understand that he is wrong not suppose to let them live with us but he still stubborn.   Do you think it is part of affair when his exwife live with us but I know my hustand not sleep or sex with her but they sleep in different room.  I think my husband just worry not want his exwife to be homeless because they lost jobs.  I don't understand why my husband still want to help his exwife after they got divorced.  It is very weird and I never heard of anyone same my situation.   My husband will not give them deadline to move out but he is stubborn.    My parents think I should stay marry because we have 2 kids but I think my husband is still in relationship with his exwife which is part of affair?  

He may allow it but why do you allow it? If he does not respect your feelings then you had better take a second look at that. It is unusual indeed. Have you thought of leaving? Maybe he will wake up to that. Get a legal separation.

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When I read about the problem you are having Adorable80, I was torn between two things.  First, I tried to put myself in your position, and I know that I wouldn't like it anymore than you do.  If I in the place of your husband and was faced with allowing an ex-wife to come and stay with me, along with her girlfriend because she was out of work and homeless, I wouldn't consider it.  I might help her find another place to stay or even help her find a job, while keeping my wife in the loop the whole time, but the idea of letting her live in my house would be out of the question.  It should be obvious her staying with us would cause a strain on my own marriage.  

That being said, no actual sin was committed that I can tell.  The husband is the head of the wife, and when there is a dispute between a husband and wife, and they cannot come to any agreement, it is his call, unless he is demanding his wife do something sinful.  That is not the case here.  I think he is handling this situation wrong, but it is not my call to make.  God gave the husband the authority to have the final say.  I see no grounds here for getting a legal separation or divorce.  No adultery took place that I am aware of. 

I always try to use the Bible as a guide for giving advise, not personal opinions.  As wrong as this situation is, it appears that it is all based on a misguided compassion.  That is why I personally think helping find the woman a job and another place to live would be the better way to go.  If there was another place she could go in the meantime, they should do that.  Everyone I see so far agrees the husband is not doing his wife right, but nothing good will come of a legal separation.  If adultery takes place, that changes the situation.  Again, this is just my opinion based on what I know that the Bible teaches.  I just don't see where leaving and getting a legal separation is Biblical.  It is more like something a person would be doing out of anger and frustration.  Even if the anger and frustration is justified, I don't see leaving as the Biblical solution.  

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I'm sorry this is happening but your husband is not treating you as he would treat himself, meaning, there is No Way he would allow you to have your ex husbandand his gay partner  live with you two.

This whole scenario is wrong under the guise of helping out someone. It is deception and if I was in this position, I would remove myself from that household.

Your husband is 100% not being respectful to you or your marriage.

Sorry to sound harsh.

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Ephesians 5:

 

21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Yup)

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. (Indeed) 

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Amen)

 

Also.....

 

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

It is you or exwife and gf. He has to decide which head of what household he wants to be? Yours or ex-wife. He should place his wife and children first. His ex wife and gf, i am sure God has given them a pair of capable legs and hands... they should be able to "make a living and tent" for themselves. They have no business to be around...let alone in the house, under one roof.

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2 hours ago, Eastern Star said:

Ephesians 5:

 

21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Yup)

23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. (Indeed) 

24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. (Amen)

 

Also.....

 

25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,

27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

31 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

It is you or exwife and gf. He has to decide which head of what household he wants to be? Yours or ex-wife. He should place his wife and children first. His ex wife and gf, i am sure God has given them a pair of capable legs and hands... they should be able to "make a living and tent" for themselves. They have no business to be around...let alone in the house, under one roof.

I don't think anyone here would disagree with what you said.  If this man was here asking our advise, I would tell him he was absolutely wrong in what he is doing, and use the same scriptures you did.  The problem is that he is not here.  He doesn't want our advise, so the only one we can try to help is the person who is the victim, his wife.  His wrongs don't make it right for her to go against the Bible.  In an ideal marriage, the wife submits to the husband's authority, and the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself for it.  Still, what do you do if the husband or wife isn't following scripture?  We still stand accountable to God for our actions, which is why I am trying to find a way where she can obey God and get this woman out of her house.  Her husband won't do it until she has a place to go, so it stands to reason the solution is to help her find a job and a place of her own as soon as possible.  

If a man came in here and said his wife had her ex boyfriend and his gay lover living in the same house, the advise would be based on scripture.  He is the head of the house, so he doesn't need her permission to throw them out.  That would likely lead to a huge fight and backlash against him from a rebellious wife, so he would have to determine if it is better to let them stay for peace, or throw them out.  Every decision we make should ideally be done with the Bible in mind.  We don't do that all the time, but that is what we are supposed to do.  In this case, you have a husband, who like it or not is the authority God placed in the home, making a terrible decision that is putting a strain on his marriage.  It is his call, even if it is wrong.  That is just the way it is.  I don't like what he is doing, but he is still the authority in the home.  This is the scripture that applies in this case.  1 Peter 3:1,2

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, THAT IF ANY OBEY NOT THE WORD, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives:  While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

The husband's wrong doing doesn't make it ok for the wife to rebel.  All authority is God given.  It is delegated by God, so to disobey authorities is to disobey God.  It comes down to whether or not a person wants worldly advise based on people's feelings, or to know the mind of God on a matter.  If all she wants is advise based on feelings, I could easily tell her to tell him it is her or the ex, and if he doesn't get her out within 3 days, she is leaving.  That would be the easiest thing in the world to do, but it is not Biblical advise.  That is what I would like to tell her, but I can't.  

Eastern Star.  I agree with what you said about the way things should be.  I didn't reply to your post because I have a problem with it.  I was responding to your comments because of the scriptures you used.  I know you weren't trying to give worldly advise.  I want you to know I wasn't trying to imply that, even though I responded to your post.  Marriages would go so much smoother if the husband and wife would actually follow the Bible.  As far as that goes, life in general would go much better if we would all try to follow the Bible, but we are living in a fallen world.  I can't understand why a man would bring his ex and her girlfriend into his home under any circumstances.  I wouldn't do it.  I do think it is disrespectful to his wife.  I wish he would seek counsel about this matter.  

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42 minutes ago, Butero said:

I don't think anyone here would disagree with what you said.  If this man was here asking our advise, I would tell him he was absolutely wrong in what he is doing, and use the same scriptures you did.  The problem is that he is not here.  He doesn't want our advise, so the only one we can try to help is the person who is the victim, his wife.  His wrongs don't make it right for her to go against the Bible.  In an ideal marriage, the wife submits to the husband's authority, and the husband loves his wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself for it.  Still, what do you do if the husband or wife isn't following scripture?  We still stand accountable to God for our actions, which is why I am trying to find a way where she can obey God and get this woman out of her house.  Her husband won't do it until she has a place to go, so it stands to reason the solution is to help her find a job and a place of her own as soon as possible.  

If a man came in here and said his wife had her ex boyfriend and his gay lover living in the same house, the advise would be based on scripture.  He is the head of the house, so he doesn't need her permission to throw them out.  That would likely lead to a huge fight and backlash against him from a rebellious wife, so he would have to determine if it is better to let them stay for peace, or throw them out.  Every decision we make should ideally be done with the Bible in mind.  We don't do that all the time, but that is what we are supposed to do.  In this case, you have a husband, who like it or not is the authority God placed in the home, making a terrible decision that is putting a strain on his marriage.  It is his call, even if it is wrong.  That is just the way it is.  I don't like what he is doing, but he is still the authority in the home.  This is the scripture that applies in this case.  1 Peter 3:1,2

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands, THAT IF ANY OBEY NOT THE WORD, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives:  While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

The husband's wrong doing doesn't make it ok for the wife to rebel.  All authority is God given.  It is delegated by God, so to disobey authorities is to disobey God.  It comes down to whether or not a person wants worldly advise based on people's feelings, or to know the mind of God on a matter.  If all she wants is advise based on feelings, I could easily tell her to tell him it is her or the ex, and if he doesn't get her out within 3 days, she is leaving.  That would be the easiest thing in the world to do, but it is not Biblical advise.  That is what I would like to tell her, but I can't.  

Eastern Star.  I agree with what you said about the way things should be.  I didn't reply to your post because I have a problem with it.  I was responding to your comments because of the scriptures you used.  I know you weren't trying to give worldly advise.  I want you to know I wasn't trying to imply that, even though I responded to your post.  Marriages would go so much smoother if the husband and wife would actually follow the Bible.  As far as that goes, life in general would go much better if we would all try to follow the Bible, but we are living in a fallen world.  I can't understand why a man would bring his ex and her girlfriend into his home under any circumstances.  I wouldn't do it.  I do think it is disrespectful to his wife.  I wish he would seek counsel about this matter.  

We only can comment based on what she had explained. I dont see how helping this other woman will solve the problem either. Y? Because there is a bigger, deeper issue over here than just the surface level appearance that this is about being jobless and money. I mean of course i pray that these are the case. Anyone who has common sense wouldn't bring his exwife/exhusband and her gf/ his bf to live in his or her marriage home. A single person post-divorce would not do it, why would a married man do it?  Now i do not know the intent of his heart, but his actions do not justify it, especially when he could ignore his wife's plea out of rebellion. I am not suggesting the wife to rebel, but not to be a doormat either. Something has to be done and in this case she has to put her foot down and make it clear that this isn't acceptable but of course discuss and work together with her husband to solve this problem in a win-win situation NOT in the expense of the marriage. Unfortunately, she mentioned she has tried everything juat for them to fall in his deaf ears. This is why, she needs to make it clear that he has to choose who he should cater too. If he is actually not worried about offending his wife but more concerned of his exwife and gf... something is really wrong in here. Perhaps, she needs to also speak to these 2 other women in a non-confrontial manner and find out what is really going on with their lives and take the next step from there. I hope the marriage will remain intact. But something has to be done, before one thing leads to another and before things become too late.

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48 minutes ago, Eastern Star said:

We only can comment based on what she had explained. I dont see how helping this other woman will solve the problem either. Y? Because there is a bigger, deeper issue over here than just the surface level appearance that this is about being jobless and money. I mean of course i pray that these are the case. Anyone who has common sense wouldn't bring his exwife/exhusband and her gf/ his bf to live in his or her marriage home. A single person post-divorce would not do it, why would a married man do it?  Now i do not know the intent of his heart, but his actions do not justify it, especially when he could ignore his wife's plea out of rebellion. I am not suggesting the wife to rebel, but not to be a doormat either. Something has to be done and in this case she has to put her foot down and make it clear that this isn't acceptable but of course discuss and work together with her husband to solve this problem in a win-win situation NOT in the expense of the marriage. Unfortunately, she mentioned she has tried everything juat for them to fall in his deaf ears. This is why, she needs to make it clear that he has to choose who he should cater too. If he is actually not worried about offending his wife but more concerned of his exwife and gf... something is really wrong in here. Perhaps, she needs to also speak to these 2 other women in a non-confrontial manner and find out what is really going on with their lives and take the next step from there. I hope the marriage will remain intact. But something has to be done, before one thing leads to another and before things become too late.

It is a messed up situation, and there are no easy answers.  I wish I could understand why anyone would bring their ex and girlfriend into their home.  I do feel for the woman asking for advise.  I wouldn't want to put up with this kind of thing either.  I would like to hear her husband's explanation for how this happened and why he doesn't care about his wife's feelings.  I would also like to know how long they have been there and how long he plans to let them stay.  

I don't think the person who wrote the OP has been back to read the responses.  I only hope the situation improves.  Speaking to the two women might not be a bad idea.  None of this makes sense to me.  I am giving the husband the benefit of the doubt he is doing this out of compassion and for no other reason, but even if that is the case, his wife's feelings should cause him to get them out of his home as soon as possible.  Letting them remain indefinitely is absurd.  

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