Suicide - My Destiny?

[gothamvision]

This is a long post, one in which I've given a LOT of thought.

Somehow or another, I believe suicide is my destiny.  I don't know how or when, but it is inevitable.  There's two elements that lead me to this conclusion, both mentally and spiritually.

I've always been fairly melancholy; there's always been a deep void or a sense of emptiness.  Metaphorically, there's always a dark haze within my consciousness (think Batman's Gotham).  I am not now nor have I ever been abused by family, lover, or church.  There are friends/family that love me and I'm sure would miss me.  Life has its wonderful and beautiful moments.  As I speak now, the golden Sun and the autumn rustling wind and aroma outside is wonderful!  Yet, it all pales to the void within.

In the last decade, I've tried to push past this by seeking purpose, something to be passionate about, and even wealth.  So far, to no avail.  My business endeavors have failed, cannot find anything to be passionate about, and certainly no purpose.  Just, nothing, emptiness.  As I get older, my family will be dying off; after a failed relationship I do not have the time nor patience for marrying.

As early as age 15, I thought about the mudaneness of life.  What is life?  You go to work most of the week, come home attempting to savor the few free hours, and on off-days you catch up what you couldn't accomplish the rest of the week, only to repeat the same cycle over and over.  For what?  To keep the cycle going?  Why do it?  Suicide is the most logical answer, 18 years later even.  Ecclesiastes touches on this very issue, of course, the point being life is nothing without God.  However, that is not working out either.

As Christians, when we accept Jesus as Lord & Savior, to save us from sin and to give us eternal life, we should gradually be becoming more "like Him", the relationship should become more of a living (maybe even obvious) reality, and our desire should be growing for Him.  Frankly, I don't see that as the case with me.  When searching my heart, I inevitably see it as self-centered, not really desiring God, and certainly not as a Living Reality.  The efforts I have made to have a relationship with God, there seems to be no reciprocation, despite prayers to change my heart/desires, lead me in a meaningful direction, and to make the relationship more of a meaningful reality.  Faith has never come easy for me to begin with.

Underneath it all (and I'm not proud of it), part of me resents God for not only my creation, but ALL of Creation.  Considering God is totally self-sufficient (does not need us), knowing full-well that most of mankind would not choose Him (even if it is by man's own free-will) and most likely suffer for eternity.  That may be justice, but how does having that foreknowledge and moving forward with it anyway make for a God of love?  Eternal fate aside, even the tamer "God grows us through suffering" line of reasoning, why have us endure it when God was perfectly content without us?  It is quite hard to love a Being in that vein, even if He did offer to redeem us.  Yes, I may accept His gift of salvation, but why create me in the first place?  What's more, at my birth there was the chance I would not be born; my mother had a vision assuring her I would be born and healthy.  So, obviously "God formed me in the womb" knowing the state of my future and had ample opportunity not to move forward with me.  Why did He do it??

The only thing that has prevented me actually "fulfilling my destiny" is the fear of the afterlife as a result.  Theologians can debate on whether or not there's a Biblical basis for suicide as a ticket to Hell or not, but that is immaterial here.  Given my take on things above, personally, I wish for non-existence (suicide at the soul level).  Unfortunately, I know it's not that easy.  Christ is not going to redeem us only to end in non-existence, at the same time, I know the alternative is somehow worse.  God will not allow non-existence without payment for sin in this life.  So, either way, I lose!  This fact only compounds my harsh feelings towards God and about life!

I'm sure some here will probably say I was never saved or born again.  For those that do think that, perhaps I've hardened my heart past the point of no return?  The angst of living, the thought of it going on decades more, it almost makes me want to "weep and gnash teeth" here and now.  I want to be redeemed by God, but at the same time I absolutely resent Him!  Perhaps, I want redemption from existence itself more.

In the end, I don't really know the response I seek in posting this.  I know no responses will advocate suicide.  Though, the thought of non-existence is absolutely euphoric!  Counseling will not help, as I would be shut away in an institution or be doped up on meds and slapped with an outrageous bill to add insult to injury.  Not sure if it is possible to see life any other way in a fully conscious and rational way!

I welcome feedback in any case; thank you all.

[Sinbad]

Hi Gotham I don't think taking your own life will bring peace im no expert I certainly don't have all the answers I'm a backslider which I suppose makes no difference to your situation maybe the only reasonable thing I can offer is you, me and everyone else we are only here once in the bigger picture how long is eternity given are life span 70 + years it's a grain off salt in comparison my advice would be to hang in there let God take you home in his good time 

well you don't know me or I you I've only been on the group a few days I've gotten a lot off comfort from all the folk I've met so far however I'm going to go personal here 

my business was going under I felt I had let a lot off my employees down long story short I took one off the vans round the back off our premises hooked up a hose to exhaust and into drivers window locked the doors left a note on my desk for Jane police were searching every were for me unknown to me my thought process waiting for the fumes to take me was torture I then blacked out next thing I remember is waking up in A&E a WPC had resuscitated me at the seen smashed van window to get in and drag me out that was the 10th off April 2017 

ive been given a second chance at life and I'm taking it 

I hope you will find your way Gotham 

[Aimes]

Suicide is no one's destiny. As believers we have the promise of an abundant life here and now. Yes, at times life can be mundane but that is certainly no reason to end it. I don't share much of my personal life here, but there was a point in time where I pondered suicide. Looking back now I am so glad I didn't end my life, for even the most mundane of days are gifts. We are here for a purpose and only God can determine when and how our lives will end. If we take them ourselves we are in a sense playing God. Friend, Jesus is your answer. I know in your post you mentioned seeking after things to make your life "better" but at the end of the day the only One who can truly give our lives meaning is Him. I encourage you to truly seek the Lord, evaluate if you've met Him as your true Savior and Lord. I am praying for you.

[BK1110]

Unless I've misunderstood, it seems you believe there is a way to non-existence, and that is false. When we die, it's heaven or hell; either way, eternal existence. Again though, I might have misunderstood, correct me if I'm wrong about your beliefs. If that is correct, you do realize that suicide would simply speed you into eternity, whether heaven or hell, correct? You would not cease to exist.

I think maybe it boils down to this; clearly God thinks that life is valuable enough to create it despite knowing what a mess we would make of things when given free will. You seem to think otherwise; essentially, it would be better for nothing to exist if existence was going to be this bad.

Despite everything you've tried and sought, you've been unable to fill the void within you. But if there is an unfilled void, I would say it might be an indication of a lack of salvation. You certainly seem to have no joy of salvation in you. I guess I might ask what you think of heaven? Do you believe it exists? Do you believe you would be happy and at peace there?

Praying for you!

[RustyAngeL]

Suicide is a forever soultion for a tempory problem.  Every problem has a shelf life, an experation date.  It is not the answer.  Jesus is.

You talk about the void in you.  There is a void in all of us until Jesus comes to fill it up.  He is the only answer and the onlyne that makes any sense when nothing else does.

Jesus came to this world for all of us.  He came to set us free from our sins and pasts.  When you surrender your life to Christ, when you make Him the center of your life, things start to fall into place you find the  peace that you have been looking for.

[HisFirst]

Hello Gothamvision,

I can feel your heart break. I'm sincerely sorry you've had years of this dark feeling.

I don't really know how to advise you (others here have done that) other than to let you know my family has gone through a suicide and for the people left behind, really there's no words. Its just tragic for All involved.

I'm glad you have opened up and are sharing these feelings of yours. Talking and communicating helps to let light in.

I sincerely pray that you will eventually feel the joy of living. 

 

[Justin Adams]

I sense a despair that I have had from time to time. I do understand quite a lot about how you feel, your history etc.

Someone once told me, "Hey guy! Cheer up, it could be worse".   So I cheered up.   And by golly it got worse!

There are a few great evangelist that often felt quite melancholy. Somehow they managed to carry on. I am unsure how they did that knowing that the feelings of empty hopelessness and mundane numbness can often strike one suddenly.

Being sometimes upset with the Lord does not upset Him. I am led to believe that He listens to us thru our cries, our fears and our abject poverty of spirit. As C.S. Lewis said, "...He yells thru our pain..."

Personally, I just DO SOMETHING for someone else when these feeling threaten to overwhelm. Fix this, build that, create some small gift perhaps. There is an answer for you too. You just have not gotten there yet.

I am glad that you are trying to find answers and are holding on. Perhaps a day at a time. But still holding on.
It takes great courage and fortitude to keep holding on. So stick with looking for your answers. And hold on!