Bringing up your past to a boyfriend/girlfriend

[missmuffet]

4 minutes ago, Neighbor said:

 About the only  unmarried person I'd consider as having good marital advice  to offer is Paul, for his is inspired of God.

Take a look at 1 Corinthians 13 on love.

[missmuffet]

[MyLordsServant]

27 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

And that can be deceiving and they can be a darn good counterfeit in order to hook a Christian. You really have to have your detective hat on.

That's right. Probably want to give it 5 years minimum before marrying.

[Neighbor]

9 hours ago, missmuffet said:

Take a look at 1 Corinthians 13 on love.

 Were you referencing Paul a single man with inspired advice? Or perhaps concern about insisting on one's own way? That's okay. I never have taken offense by it - disagreed  often enough, but never offended not at all, it is enlightening in fact, plus most useful in prompting study. Let us all take our differing views in the best sense of Proverbs 27:17 

 

Edited October 22, 2017 by Neighbor

[Neighbor]

In the bigger picture of life I think it valuable to look and study and follow the precepts and principles of Matthew 18, especially including the part about fully restoring and never ever bringing up again a past sin to  hold it yet again against  a brother or sister that has repented of the issue.

When someone has confessed to our Lord and been forgiven, I think it is absolutely wrong to then  nag or to even ask  the person to bring it up again, and then especially to blame them over again for their failure. Must Our lord suffer that sin revisited? He has already died to cover it. That is sufficient for God, but not for us? 

That's why I say, what snake in the grass encouraged revisiting old issues. Do we not have faith that  God can cover the sin, and do we not have reliance of repentance gaining it's reward? It also needs our personal touch?

My LORD sees me  for what I am  washed white as snow in the blood of the lamb of God. But we should drag my life history in the flesh back up for review? No! Not necessary at all. Do I want to share of my testimony of my changed nature sure, but lets not dwell on negatives that are not me today. Even I don't do that to myself. I am a new man in Christ means I am a new man  and entitled by  my Lord's sacrifice to be forgiven and accepted never having my old man's ways cast at me again.

To not accept God's mercy upon another seems a great fault and sin to me. It is at least the sin of pride, and doubt of God's sufficiency too.

Edited October 22, 2017 by Neighbor

[Neighbor]

9 hours ago, missmuffet said:

 Be like the stallion among the mares? Don't think so.

Funny picture, the man turning his head away from the one he is with to observe the ways of other creatures, especially horses.

Better to be like Paul, but if you do burn with passion better to marry. 

[Neighbor]

Especially study  the word betrothed  below and then seek out the customs of the people, the culture, that had asked of Paul and to whom he most directly was answering knowing he was addressing Jesus' church members both formerly Jew and Gentile but now all Christian.

1 Corinthians 7English Standard Version (ESV)

Principles for Marriage

Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.”  But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.  The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.  For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.

To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.  For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.  For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Live as You Are Called

 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.  Was anyone at the time of his call already circumcised? Let him not seek to remove the marks of circumcision. Was anyone at the time of his call uncircumcised? Let him not seek circumcision.  For neither circumcision counts for anything nor uncircumcision, but keeping the commandments of God.  Each one should remain in the condition in which he was called.  Were you a bondservant when called? Do not be concerned about it. (But if you can gain your freedom, avail yourself of the opportunity.)  For he who was called in the Lord as a bondservant is a freedman of the Lord. Likewise he who was free when called is a bondservant of Christ. You were bought with a price; do not become bondservants of men.  So, brothers, in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God.

The Unmarried and the Widowed

 Now concerning the betrothed, I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy.  I think that in view of the present distress it is good for a person to remain as he is.  Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.  But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.  This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none,  and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods,  and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.

 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.  But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife,  and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.  I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well.  So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.

 A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.  Yet in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is. And I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

Edited October 22, 2017 by Neighbor

[Jam2b40]

I find it very off putting when a man demands intimate details early on when meeting someone. Some of them want an explanation of past relationships a little too much, too soon and feel entitled to know. I was once talking to a man who wanted all the details before he would consider going out with me. I never responded to him. He took it to mean that I knew I was unworthy because I didn't share the information he wanted and moved on without having to face him. His audacity infuriated me.

When meeting someone, I like to know the general information of today. Are you married, separated, divorced, single-never been married? If they are married or married but separated, it is a no go. If they are divorced, then it is worth getting to know them and find out information as it become appropriate. If they have never been married then I feel no need for information early on. The main focus should be getting to know the person, their current lifestyle, and how healthy their walk with the Lord is.

[GandalfTheWise]

While everything in the past is forgiven and we should be able to move forward without being concerned about it, the reality is that some stuff in the past carries consequences that will affect us and others.  Getting married to someone means that you both will be tightly entangled with those consequences whether you like it or not.  Marriage is hard enough without being blindsided by something serious.

Example:  I stumbled into the role of giving fatherly advice to a younger lady (about my daughters' ages) from church who is a Facebook friend.  She accidentally posted a somewhat intimate question to the general Facebook feed instead of the private women's group she thought she was asking.  I happened to see it a few minutes after she posted and PMed her so she'd know to take it down before anyone else saw it.   Basically, she had suffered severe long term molestation and abuse as a child and teen and felt extremely uncomfortable even hugging or kissing her fiancé and that the thought of sex was unthinkable.  She was wondering how well that would work in a marriage and she hadn't told him (and as I recall it was only a few months until the wedding!).  Since I had seen the message, she asked me what I thought.  My response was that any loving Christian man would stand by and support her and would not be ashamed of her at all but infuriated at the people who had done this.  But I added this caveat.  As weeks and months and years go by, most men (no matter how solid spiritually) will probably start to feel somewhat hurt by a cold and physically distant wife that can barely tolerate them touching her.  No matter how loving and steadfast he is, it will start to affect him.  Every time a female friend or acquaintance gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder or a quick hug (no matter how infrequently this happens) and every time he sees some other wife showing affection to her husband, it will be a reminder of what is missing.  He will continue to forge ahead being a man of integrity, but it will take something out of him over the years.  I then got pretty blunt and told her that she really needed to take this up with God as a way of tangibly showing love for her fiancé, talk to her fiancé about it, and that it would probably be good to talk to a pastor or Christian counselor about it.  Fast forward years later, she's testified at church about how God healed her of a rough history of abuse and she and her husband are now expecting their first child.  (Not saying my advice was key or anything, but just that this was obviously something God was wanting to heal and deal with *before* the honeymoon and the "accidental" post I saw was probably just one of many things He was doing to work on this.) 

What in the world would have happened if she hadn't told her fiancé and just went into the marriage hoping to somehow make it work?  At best, they would have eventually gone to a pastor or counselor to work on it.  At worst, she would have kept it secret and it would have become an ongoing point of contention that would severely strain the marriage for many years.

This type of history is obviously not something you tell someone when you first meet them, but it is something that will have a severe effect on a relationship.  I'd presume in most cases, something like this should be brought up at a point where a couple has gotten close to contemplating marriage.  I don't think it's a good idea to wait to reveal something like this until being in marriage counseling after the 10th anniversary when the marriage is on the rocks.

Now, after a long digression, my main point is that anything that carries consequences that will affect the potential marriage partner should be voluntarily revealed (and if possible dealt with and resolved in some manner) before the marriage (and sometimes maybe best before a wedding date is set or maybe before an engagement takes place).  Most serious things (that have consequences) will at some point have an effect on the marriage.  I don't have any rules for what things should be disclosed but just the general guideline that if it has consequences that are affecting you emotionally, spiritually, physically, sexually, financially, legally, whatever, they will probably affect your partner as well and need to be disclosed and as much as possible dealt with and resolved.  If something will affect your partner in some way, it should usually be disclosed.

There is also the issue of possible loss of some trust should some embarrassing things in your past (that maybe don't affect you now and you have long left behind) become known to your partner, but I'd put that in a different category than things that have tangible consequences and effects.  These types of things are often easily laughed off or dealt with trivially if the marriage is strong.  They are usually only an issue if the marriage is already struggling in some other way.

[JohnD]

20 hours ago, missmuffet said:

I have seen this in several posts. A male especially demands to know his girlfriends past. What position should the woman take when a man demands to know who you were in the past or he will go out the door? This can be the case as well with the woman wanting to know a man's past but I don't see it that often.

I think there is some information about a person if you are in a serious relationship with them that is important information.

1. If the person has a past of any jail time or crime.

2. Any STD's

3. Any addictions

Do you think demanding to know every man or woman that person has ever kissed or had a relationship with is necessary? Would it tell you something about that person if they have had multiple intimate affairs? Do you think that a person demanding this information has revealed some work they still need to do in their life? possessive or jealousy?

 

 

 

Saw a similar commercial where a woman wanted a date's credit score. LOL

I think first develop the relationship to see if it will lead to permanence. Then find out about 1,2,3 above. Remember, until this point no one is bound to anyone. And when you begin to discuss potential exclusivity then most (who are of any decency) will volunteer 1,2,3. Knew a lady once who could not have children and was married before. When she dated her future husband it was just fun to date. But when the relationship took on a serious nature she came clean to him before it went any further. 

Balance / timing.

The egos of men and women are different. A man has this vestal virgin idealism about his potential mate / mother of his children. Now he realistically knows there ain't no such animal (never been kissed never thought another boy was cute never dated). Not going to turn this into a premarital sex discussion, btw. So I'm leaving that alone.

So at times he may give into this ego spasm to ply his love interest with these kinds of indictments and a wise woman will never give into them, and may even bust his chops for doing so.

Women's ego (as tyrannical as a man's ego) goes in different directions. And a wise man never gives into them either. I won't go into details about them here (to keep focus on the OP's choice of subject).