Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus Posted November 16, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 4 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 42 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 43 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/03/2015 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/09/1970 Author Share Posted November 16, 2017 On 11/14/2017 at 10:10 AM, GandalfTheWise said: I've known a few women that have suffered long term abuse and molestation as children. I've also read a number of testimonies of women in similar situations on forums such as this. The majority of them said that God used other people (in the form of Christian counselors, pastors, prayer partners, or other women who've been through this and been through a healing process themselves) to help with the healing. Emotional and spiritual wounds are every bit as real as physical wounds. Minor stuff, we can all toss on a bandaid ourselves and let it heal. Serious stuff, we might need to go to the ER and let someone with a lot more experience deal with it. Long term abuse is usually not something we can effectively deal with on our own; God will often use other people to come along side of us to be with us and help us. As God leads, He might very well start to work through other people. At some point, God might steer you toward an experienced pastor or a good Christian counselor. Our church has a few mature Christians trained in transformational prayer ministry (which is basically providing support to people as they pray about difficult things they are dealing with). A couple of the abused women I know reported that this was a big turning point in God starting to heal them. The main caveat I'd give is making sure that any people you are starting to work with are mature Christians who've helped other people in similar situations before. I've heard (some firsthand and others reading anonymously) of women (and a few men) who've been through some very toxic, harmful, and injurious situations over many years that God has emotionally and spiritually healed of the injuries they've received. Over time, I'm sure that your feelings toward your mother (and other members of your family) will be restored to what God wants them to be. It's something that will emerge over time as He heals and restores you. I don't think it's something to feel condemned or guilty about; it's a consequence of what you went through. Abuse affects our ability to feel things appropriately. It will take time for that to be healed and restored. Edit[I'd also emphasize that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is a change within us where we let go and are healed of things that have us in bondage regarding other people and what they've done to us. Reconciliation is a restoration of a relationship that depends on the other party actually having changed. If some who has hurt you in the past has not changed, they would potentially do it again. It is okay to stay away from those people or to put up appropriate boundaries to keep them at a safe distance. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to trust them. Trust is something that is built up over time due to consistent positive behavior over time.] God has over the last 10 yrs lead me to people both offline and online that have helped me turn to God more that why i am able to 6 months ago move away God been working on me a lot but trust has been a battle in away too sadly some i trusted turned on me even told my abusers what i said and the abusers said it never happened ot it was child play sadly too i not going to be with family on the holidays this year have made other plans safe ones that will lead me closer to God too not easy but i doing this to keep me safe too to me Christmas is Jesus birthday so want it to mean a lot too as it really about Jesus not about other people and what they want or demand of me hope you too can have a Christ centered holiday season too love ya in Christ lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missmuffet Posted November 16, 2017 Group: Royal Member Followers: 34 Topic Count: 1,990 Topics Per Day: 0.48 Content Count: 48,688 Content Per Day: 11.83 Reputation: 30,343 Days Won: 226 Joined: 01/11/2013 Status: Offline Share Posted November 16, 2017 12 hours ago, Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus said: yes i understand that too but what hard for me is they say they Christians but do not acted Christ-like at all it sad in so many ways but only God knows their hearts too i keep praying and try to improve my life and walk in Christ too love ya in Christ lily There are many counterfeit Christians and hypocrites in our world today. You can weed them out by observing what they say and what they do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justice_League Posted November 25, 2017 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 112 Content Per Day: 0.04 Reputation: 30 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/23/2016 Status: Offline Share Posted November 25, 2017 Hi Lily, I do know how you feel on some level. I’ve had to distance myself from my family as well due to those relationships being toxic and emotionally abusive. My mother in particular claims to be a very strong Christian but she is actually an extremely unhealthy person who isolates herself from the rest of the world. Many of these types will play the martyr/victim role and will always try to twist everything back onto others... That can be one of the hardest parts to deal with. Satan’s influence can take on many forms. I’m glad that you have been able to distance yourself from what sounds like a really unhealthy situation and that you’ve been able to find godly friends and support to surround yourself with. I know that the holidays can be an especially hard time when you’re dealing with family estrangement... I know it is for me. I usually have to battle with feeling like there is something wrong with me for not getting together with them during the holidays, especially if I’m having to explain myself to strangers who don’t really understand the situation. But most people will never understand what that really feels like unless they have experienced it in their own lives. Family doesn’t have to be blood if those people don’t treat you like the valuable individual you are. God provides and can bring true love and family into our lives through other means. God bless! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Adams Posted November 26, 2017 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 26 Topic Count: 61 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 9,604 Content Per Day: 3.98 Reputation: 7,795 Days Won: 21 Joined: 09/11/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted November 26, 2017 (edited) Sometimes the ones that hurt you have the state on their side and cry 'abuse'. They might be the ones that are actually the abusers. When you get those regular phone calls out of the blue accusing and berating you. Or if you get into the fallout of an angry outburst that suddenly hits you at the oddest times. I do not like the word 'abuse' really since it has connotations that are not necessarily concomitant with those needle jabs and 'mutterings' behind your back, 'because you deserved it'. Often this is an ongoing thing that you think you deserve and you'll do anything to just keep the peace if you happen to be the one receiving the weirdness. It is funny that the mechanisms to somehow ameliorate these angry outburst are probably themselves a show of frustration and hopelessness. I just hate conflict of any sort, so if I can re-direct those outburst to somebody else I felt a little better. Like; 'phew! missed me that time!' This is really bad because you try so hard to be everything to everyone, that eventually lack of peace and good sleep might turn you into something much less than you really are. Then in the end, the state gets involved and the psycho-heresy brigade - after that it is all over barring the invoices. Edited November 26, 2017 by Justin Adams spell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus Posted December 1, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 4 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 42 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 43 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/03/2015 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/09/1970 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 On 11/16/2017 at 2:38 AM, secularhermit said: Yes! You deserve to live as an adult, Lily. Give her a change to cope with that step you walked in. yes i agree time to be adult it hard at times i just keep praying and doing my best to walk as God wants me too love ya in Christ lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus Posted December 1, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 4 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 42 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 43 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/03/2015 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/09/1970 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 On 11/16/2017 at 1:38 PM, missmuffet said: There are many counterfeit Christians and hypocrites in our world today. You can weed them out by observing what they say and what they do. yes i am finding that out also many twist the bible to mean what they want not way God met it at all my dad does that a lot of the time i use to believe what he said but now i go to God word read it and ask God to help me understand it too and i see He does that too love ya in Christ lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus Posted December 1, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 4 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 42 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 43 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/03/2015 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/09/1970 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 On 11/25/2017 at 1:35 PM, Justice_League said: Hi Lily, I do know how you feel on some level. I’ve had to distance myself from my family as well due to those relationships being toxic and emotionally abusive. My mother in particular claims to be a very strong Christian but she is actually an extremely unhealthy person who isolates herself from the rest of the world. Many of these types will play the martyr/victim role and will always try to twist everything back onto others... That can be one of the hardest parts to deal with. Satan’s influence can take on many forms. I’m glad that you have been able to distance yourself from what sounds like a really unhealthy situation and that you’ve been able to find godly friends and support to surround yourself with. I know that the holidays can be an especially hard time when you’re dealing with family estrangement... I know it is for me. I usually have to battle with feeling like there is something wrong with me for not getting together with them during the holidays, especially if I’m having to explain myself to strangers who don’t really understand the situation. But most people will never understand what that really feels like unless they have experienced it in their own lives. Family doesn’t have to be blood if those people don’t treat you like the valuable individual you are. God provides and can bring true love and family into our lives through other means. God bless! yes i agree with you family to me is them that come along side me walk with me and me with them i never felt that around my family also i can not be the real me around them as i use to try to live up to their demands and expectations too but that never worked as they never pleased with me i always a disappointment to them sadly never can be what they think i should be i learned God want me to be who He created me to be the real me not me faking it to get accepted by family with the people around me now i can be real and even emotional and they stand by me support me too i never had that before so all new to me now yes i missing what use to be for holidays but thanksgiving was a real blessing this year as i was able to have a meal in peace no fighting , yelling , complaining ect. so different then use too felt good but odd too i do still talk to my parents some but not much they might come see me in December too but not Christmas day i have other plans already yes i need to keep my space too but it hard as i love them so much too but there toxic too i do understand you too about your birth family but God gave me new family in away too so i blessed very much by that too your blessed i sure too yes people who never delt with this do not understand at all most the time so i agree with you there too hope you have a good holiday season count your blessing each day too love ya in Christ lily Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus Posted December 1, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 4 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 42 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 43 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/03/2015 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/09/1970 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 On 11/25/2017 at 6:37 PM, Abby-Joy said: Hello, Lily ... I can relate to so much of what you've shared. I distanced myself from 100% of my birth family and relatives shortly after I married. My family was/is full of abuse, drama, back-stabbing, betrayals, etc, etc. Very much like you, I was my mother's sounding board, her scapegoat, the one who would take on the blame so she didn't have to bear it. I never saw it was abuse until I was well into my adulthood. I always thought it was true, that I was to blame for her pain. I always could make her better (temporarily) by taking the blame when she went off on a rage. I protected her from knowing her own husband (my dad) was sexually abusing me, because I didn't want to hurt her. Funny (or not so funny), the things children do for their parents. I saw her as broken and fragile ... and I needed her to be okay. My mother wasn't innocent in her part in the abuse/traumas I suffered ... and as an adult, I learned she knew all along what was happening. All that to say.... after all those things (and more), I still have felt guilty for creating space between myself and my family... especially my mother. The words you wrote are exactly what I've felt ... that I've hurt her by not being with her. She is in her late 60's and in bad health. To this day, I still protect her from things because I know she couldn't handle knowing. When I think of my children, I realize I made the right choice. It's not ideal or desirable not to have extended family in your life... and in the lives of my children. They've been deprived of many things they should've had in relation to relatives. But we've made the best of what we were given. I have kept a respectful attitude and prayed for my family/relatives. I've been able to love from afar... to help my mother financially at times... and witnessed to my dad before he passed away, and he came to Christ. God will open the doors at the right time, Lily... when the time is right to bless your parents in ways He leads, it will be clear. Take your time and receive healing.... be strengthened... continue to pray for them. wow your mom sounds a lot like my mom in many ways i had to be tough for her take on blame and yes even pain at times to keep her from having too i saw and still do see mom as weak and well easly broken too so as long as i was living close to her daily i did not have a life of my own as mom needed me she was emotionally lacking so i had to take on stuff i thought but over the last few years God been showing me i need to back away let mom face her life without me being there to cushion it in away it was not easy to move away as truth parents was all i had i lost my kids due to abuse left my abusive hubby too so family was parents and me mostly too lost my auntie last dec. she passed away i would visit her at times so do miss her a lot too but now i moved away my parents only ones who even talk to me i have two brothers both abused me growing up oldest one who 4 years older started sexually abusing me at 3yr until i was almost 11yr then he moved on to dating and sex with the more willing at first i thought i did something very bad and he stoped loving me my understanding of love was missed up by way family acted dad raped mom a lot i think brothers say that thought was way you treat girls too i kinda think mom know they was hurting me sexually but she would not leave her abuser so why would she help me she acted helpless in it all still does she 74yr and dad will be 75 in dec. still together too 53yrs of marriage to a abuser he no longer can have sex with her and well that part of the abuse has end but dad is very very very abusive in other way she say will he never hit me so it not really abuse i told her still abuse but she say in it i think she afraid to be alone sadly but for me it not the life to live i want to be more and more Christ like walk that path but can not do that if i stayed close to family God had me make a very very hard choice in away but i know i made the right one God has to be first in my life not my mom and was told if i trusted God i put my family in His hands too so ya a acted of trusting God too i sorry you was so abused too by them that should have loved you with real pure love but i think they like my parents did not know what real love is i still learning myself what it is too love ya in Christ lily 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus Posted December 1, 2017 Group: Members Followers: 4 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 42 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 43 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/03/2015 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/09/1970 Author Share Posted December 1, 2017 On 11/26/2017 at 10:48 AM, Justin Adams said: Sometimes the ones that hurt you have the state on their side and cry 'abuse'. They might be the ones that are actually the abusers. When you get those regular phone calls out of the blue accusing and berating you. Or if you get into the fallout of an angry outburst that suddenly hits you at the oddest times. I do not like the word 'abuse' really since it has connotations that are not necessarily concomitant with those needle jabs and 'mutterings' behind your back, 'because you deserved it'. Often this is an ongoing thing that you think you deserve and you'll do anything to just keep the peace if you happen to be the one receiving the weirdness. It is funny that the mechanisms to somehow ameliorate these angry outburst are probably themselves a show of frustration and hopelessness. I just hate conflict of any sort, so if I can re-direct those outburst to somebody else I felt a little better. Like; 'phew! missed me that time!' This is really bad because you try so hard to be everything to everyone, that eventually lack of peace and good sleep might turn you into something much less than you really are. Then in the end, the state gets involved and the psycho-heresy brigade - after that it is all over barring the invoices. yes i understand what you saying in my case i had the abuse and lack of sleep too so well the state CPS said seeing i was the stay at home mom i was the one abusing the kids and why the kids acted out badly even in abusive ways to others no one even asked if my hubby was abusing me or even really talked much with me without hubby being there too he pretend to be the good loving hubby and daddy to the kids but he was a monster when we was home alone to me and the kids too yes i believed i deserved it too as how dad and brothers treated me i know no other way that the sad part too and yes looking back i did abuse my kids in some ways too it was because of my lack of knowing right way to raise kids but the abuser who was over us all was my hubby he in the end lost his parental rights i did too but the state let a very very abusive women adopted the kids she abused them a few years then they was taken from her sad my kids payed in the end a very very dear amount too i not see or talked to my kids in 16yrs now they are all but one still in state care so can not even know how there doing but i changed my life now but feel it to late in a lot of ways too love ya in Christ lily 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin Adams Posted December 1, 2017 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 26 Topic Count: 61 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 9,604 Content Per Day: 3.98 Reputation: 7,795 Days Won: 21 Joined: 09/11/2017 Status: Offline Share Posted December 1, 2017 7 hours ago, Child_of_Hope_in_Jesus said: feel it to late in a lot of ways too Might not be too late. You never know. We are all fallen and all of us abuse and are abused. It is just the way it is, but the psycho twerps love labels and the more they stir the pot the muddier it gets generally since most of them are nut-cases anyway. It is amazing how any of us survive, but we do. We are made a lot tougher than the soppy-dweebs that run everything imagine. They want us to cry as we navel-gaze; gives them something to 'fix'. They never fix anything, but it sure does make a great money spinner for them. If all the shrinks left the country and the TVs all broke, we would probably feel a whole lot better after the culture shock wore off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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