What do you think??? ?

[PrincessPeachy]

I’ve come to know two people who are now going through a divorce. Long story short: She wasn’t happy with the marriage, she cheated on him, she confessed her sin and they tried some counseling but in the end she just didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. 

I consider myself to be friends with both of them. However, her and I are much closer to each other due to interests and just being females. The family is super upset that I still communicate and hang out with her after what she did, but I know that she has repented (to the Lord & to her former husband) for what she has done. 

What are your thoughts? I think we should treat others with the grace, mercy, & love that God gives to us. Yes, she was wrong and made a horrible mistake but this does not make her a horrible person. We know that one sin is not any worse or any better in the eyes of the Lord. I’m just tired of having to explain my friendship. Should we not love the sinner but hate the sin? 

[GandalfTheWise]

Divorce doesn't just affect the couple getting divorced.  It affects their families, friends, children, and acquaintances.  The consequences of an affair and subsequent divorce don't disappear quickly.  The reality is that a divorce can cause serious damage to peripheral relationships surrounding the marriage.  It's sad, but some situations force people in peripheral relationships around the marriage to choose sides.

This was a deep betrayal that broke trust.  Trust is not a gift someone gives us.  Trust is something that we earn from someone by our consistent behavior over time.  Depending on the story surrounding this divorce, some people no longer trust her.  It will take years, if ever, before some degree of trust can be restored with some people.  This is not an accusation of lack of forgiveness.  This is a statement that the relationships and conditions which allowed for trust to be built up in the first place are no longer in place.  If the divorce process is ongoing, there's still a lot of pain in the mix.

Different sins have different levels of consequences.  The consequences of suicide are vastly different from lying.  Sins are also often symptoms of what is inside of us.  Having friendships (or marriages or relationships) with people exposes us to what is inside of them.  Not holding a sin against someone, forgiving them, and not being mad or hurt about something is one thing.  Exposing ourselves to potential toxicity that can affect us spiritually is another thing.  Some people simply have a negative outlook on life that will drag us down.  I'll be blunt.  Take a serious look at your friend and ask these questions.  Would you want your brother (or a close male friend) to marry her?  "She just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore" might be a telling statement.  It's one thing if a husband is an addict, criminal, or dangerous in some way and getting distance is for protection.  It's another if it was due to boredom or lack of fulfillment or just being disillusioned with marriage.  My first impression is of someone who puts their own feelings and interests ahead of their given word.   Would you want to become a business partner with her?  Is she a person who will stand by what she says she will do or would she potentially leave you high and dry when problems emerge?  

From the OP, it's not clear if she is more of an acquaintance that you hang around on occasion with in a group or a much closer friend and confidant.  What is this friendship doing for you?  The reality is that we are  influenced by the people we hang out with.  Sometimes other people can see stuff that we cannot.  The affair and divorce may have revealed a side of her that people closer to the marriage saw that you did not.  I don't know you, her, or the situation.  I'm not going to say anything one way or the other.   The only thing I'll say is that we need to choose our friends carefully because we tend to start to see life in the same way that they do.   In life, we have many acquaintances, colleagues, and the like that we have some degree of relationship with.  However, we have fewer people that become trusted friends and partners in some way.  The quality of our life is affected by the people we choose to spend the most time with.

 

[BK1110]

It sounds like the family needs to truly forgive her. Don't let the bitterness they refuse to let go of affect you.

[PrincessPeachy]

21 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

Divorce doesn't just affect the couple getting divorced.  It affects their families, friends, children, and acquaintances.  The consequences of an affair and subsequent divorce don't disappear quickly.  The reality is that a divorce can cause serious damage to peripheral relationships surrounding the marriage.  It's sad, but some situations force people in peripheral relationships around the marriage to choose sides.

This was a deep betrayal that broke trust.  Trust is not a gift someone gives us.  Trust is something that we earn from someone by our consistent behavior over time.  Depending on the story surrounding this divorce, some people no longer trust her.  It will take years, if ever, before some degree of trust can be restored with some people.  This is not an accusation of lack of forgiveness.  This is a statement that the relationships and conditions which allowed for trust to be built up in the first place are no longer in place.  If the divorce process is ongoing, there's still a lot of pain in the mix.

Different sins have different levels of consequences.  The consequences of suicide are vastly different from lying.  Sins are also often symptoms of what is inside of us.  Having friendships (or marriages or relationships) with people exposes us to what is inside of them.  Not holding a sin against someone, forgiving them, and not being mad or hurt about something is one thing.  Exposing ourselves to potential toxicity that can affect us spiritually is another thing.  Some people simply have a negative outlook on life that will drag us down.  I'll be blunt.  Take a serious look at your friend and ask these questions.  Would you want your brother (or a close male friend) to marry her?  "She just didn't want to be in the relationship anymore" might be a telling statement.  It's one thing if a husband is an addict, criminal, or dangerous in some way and getting distance is for protection.  It's another if it was due to boredom or lack of fulfillment or just being disillusioned with marriage.  My first impression is of someone who puts their own feelings and interests ahead of their given word.   Would you want to become a business partner with her?  Is she a person who will stand by what she says she will do or would she potentially leave you high and dry when problems emerge?  

From the OP, it's not clear if she is more of an acquaintance that you hang around on occasion with in a group or a much closer friend and confidant.  What is this friendship doing for you?  The reality is that we are  influenced by the people we hang out with.  Sometimes other people can see stuff that we cannot.  The affair and divorce may have revealed a side of her that people closer to the marriage saw that you did not.  I don't know you, her, or the situation.  I'm not going to say anything one way or the other.   The only thing I'll say is that we need to choose our friends carefully because we tend to start to see life in the same way that they do.   In life, we have many acquaintances, colleagues, and the like that we have some degree of relationship with.  However, we have fewer people that become trusted friends and partners in some way.  The quality of our life is affected by the people we choose to spend the most time with.

 

Wow, thank you for your thoughtful post. Please excuse me if I don’t respond back to everything as I’m new to this. 

I know she’s a good person overall. She has always helped the family (with their businesses, providing childcare, setting up for parties, etc.) and continues to help us out when needed or asked. Personally, what she did was wrong and I’ve made that very clear to her. She regrets what she did but it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I just don’t feel the need to constantly persecute someone for their bad judgment. None of us are perfect and fall short of glory. That is why I’m so thankful that God is loving and merciful. 

My parents told me, “bad company corrupts good morals” as I was growing up but I don’t see her as “bad company” just because she made one bad mistake. Luckily, I am very strong-willed and I’m not easily persuaded by others so I don’t fall for that peer pressure nonsense anyway.

In terms of friendship, she has been a good friend to me and I’d like to be one to her. I’m not trying to upset anyone in continuing my friendship with her. If they no longer want a relationship with her because of her actions then that is something she has to deal with but I do not find it fair for them to ask me to follow in their footsteps. 

 

[PrincessPeachy]

6 hours ago, BK1110 said:

It sounds like the family needs to truly forgive her. Don't let the bitterness they refuse to let go of affect you.

Thank you! I’m trying really hard but they cannot seem to let it go. I understand the family is in shock and pain (they never imagined she would do something like this) but I’m not forcing them to have a relationship with her so I feel like they shouldn’t force me to not have a relationship with her. Does that make sense? 

[BK1110]

Just now, PrincessPeachy said:

Thank you! I’m trying really hard but they cannot seem to let it go. I understand the family is in shock and pain (they never imagined she would do something like this) but I’m not forcing them to have a relationship with her so I feel like they shouldn’t force me to not have a relationship with her. Does that make sense? 

Certainly.

It's God's place to judge and to issue punishment. It is ours to forgive and love, which will hopefully help lead the person back to Christ. If we cut them off, how can we hope to be a blessing on their heart?

The only thing that refusing to forgive does is insure that you can't be a good influence on their lives anymore, and bitterness builds up in your own heart like a poison. God wants us to forgive people for our own sake as much as for their's.

Voddie Baucham has a great sermon on forgiveness on Youtube, you might find it helpful to watch it, and maybe even to send it to this family.

[PrincessPeachy]

7 minutes ago, BK1110 said:

Certainly.

It's God's place to judge and to issue punishment. It is ours to forgive and love, which will hopefully help lead the person back to Christ. If we cut them off, how can we hope to be a blessing on their heart?

The only thing that refusing to forgive does is insure that you can't be a good influence on their lives anymore, and bitterness builds up in your own heart like a poison. God wants us to forgive people for our own sake as much as for their's.

Voddie Baucham has a great sermon on forgiveness on Youtube, you might find it helpful to watch it, and maybe even to send it to this family.

I agree with you.

I will be sure to check out the sermon, thanks!