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JesusIsLord92

Want to come back to God but at the same time I don’t

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First of all I am not here for debate or to be attacked. I’m genuinely seeking fellowship and answers from a respectful, empathetic viewpoint. I apologise if this ends up being long. 

 

I grew up going to church as a young child. I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

 

When I was around 22 I had an idea to listen to a local Christian radio station. I’m not sure how I knew about it, I guess because my mum was a Christian. I started listening to it and listening to the sermons and realised I wasn’t a Christian after all. I felt a change of sin attitude and started reading the bible. I never made a conscious effort of saying “Jesus I accept you and I commit my life to you”. But I did sincerely try the sinners prayer a few times. It take about a year but I dropped tv shows I watched which were wicked (witchcraft in them) and music interests which were taking provide of place in my life. I did make a testimony about this. 

 

The following year I felt a push from God to drop all non-christian music, movies, books (I have slipped and felt God’s anger towards it), tv and literally just be all Christian 24/7. This was a very difficult, upsetting, trying time and I went through many episodes of depression and backsliding and feeling always I couldn’t quite reach the “mark” I wanted to reach (stopping sin I had trouble in, being perfectly Christian 24/7 and things like that). If I slipped I felt God really mad at me. I felt he disciplined me all the time with health scares. I felt like I was in jail. My prayers weren’t being answered for health, friends or anything I asked. I asked forgiveness for my sins every day and sought out forgiveness from those I hurt or held grudges (some I can’t go to because I think it would be foolish). I suffered constant confusion with things in my mind and never got clarity. I was living a constant life of confusion and lack of encouragement. I prayed every day for unselfish things. I prayed for one Christian friend but God to me felt like He kept letting me down. My walk with God was a roller coaster but constantly on the low end. I could talk more about what I went through. It was a lonely, painful and meaningless experience. I was sin focused 24/7 and constantly had ocd of “cleansing myself” of sin all day. I went through the darkest pits of my life in Christianity. I wasn’t allowed hobbies so tried to be Christian 24/7 in regards to hobbies. I had to get rid of all my dvds and some belongings because I felt God’s anger if I tried to do anything. I knew why because if I started a game it quickly became an idol. Everything quickly became an idol. So I was banned from hobbies. I have written maybe a 100 different posts over Facebook and other forums charting my trials of pain in Christianity. Not persecution (well, I’ve had a little bit of it) just the turmoil of my soul, my health and the “requirements” of being a Christian. 

 

God told me to witness to my neighbours this year and I disobeyed as I was having panic attacks and fear. Because they were aggressive and atheists. When I disobeyed I felt this weight of sin on me and felt as if God walked away. I have been told by God to witness again to others but feel sick with fear. I suffer anxiety in different names. 

 

I noticed I was falling about a year or two ago in my initial spirit...I was into sermons but stopped due to health. God hasn’t stopped my health issues. I never understood why I wasn’t able to overcome not being able to read the bible or study due to pain attacks (chest mostly). I never understand why God allowed that. I tried to overcome asking God, he didn’t do anything. I always felt confused and He never clarified anything. I always thought of the verse that says “faith without works is dead” and “there remains no sacrifice for sin”(if you go on sinning). I never had works for Jesus. Just praying. I was never able to fast or witness (I did try once or twice online). 

 

Now I have completely backslid....(October) I haven’t been able to come back to God. And my heart doesn’t want to go back to what I just wrote...the pain, the emptiness and the feeling I’m never reaching that “state” that needs to get into heaven (I know works don’t save but I believe we must avoid sin daily). I know Christianity isn’t painfree and meant to be a struggle. But I honestly don’t want to go back to that pit where I’m being poked by fire all day in my Spirit for falling all the time. I have been encouraged to do games by my ex psych which I thought was ok because I really needed a “break”

In October this year I had a life changing thing happen to me and have gone back to some former things I did. I’ve sinned many sins and become kind of vile in my heart. I scoff inside at Christian sayings or bible verses. I have had this happen before and even thrown my bible but came back to Him. I feel backslidden and match backslidden requirements. I have become mostly cold inside and selfish. 

 

I don’t feel reprobate and I do desire to come back I just don’t want what I had before of crying so much in my bedroom due to failing all the time and feeling I’d go to hell. I tried so hard to be a Christian and sought Jesus but never could get close to HIM. 

 

I want to feel Jesus in my heart but can’t get to that point. I want dreams and visions 

And proof He is there. I can’t take not having fellowship (I have tried) and being excluded at churches.

 

 

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Sounds like you met the other Jesus not portrayed in Scripture...the one that is ready to whip us at every wrong turn.

The Jesus of Scripture is not like that.

First of all...Romans 8:1 NASBS
[1] Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

Second of all, he freely takes us crumb bags as His children and then starts the life long process of cleaning us up that we may freely glorify Him, not in order that we may become His children, but because we are already His... Hebrews 12:6 NASB
[6] For THOSE whom THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES."

Thirdly, Jesus guides while satan drives and it sounds like you have been driven under a legalistic system of works. Instead...Romans 5:19 NASBS
[19] For as through the one man's disobedience the many were made sinners, even so through the obedience of the One the many will be made righteous.

IOW, It is by His obedience we are saved and by His faithfulness we are being saved...not ours.

 

 

 

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Your story sounds so familiar to me. It will take some time to unravel firstly WHO you are and secondly who the Lord is. As you are attempting this the adversary's mean little demons are constantly whispering what a looser you are and that you will never make it. Etc ad nauseaum.

What I needed, and never seemed to find, was a mature Christian who did not have a dog in the fight. Somebody to trust for counsel. Perhaps a group that could uphold me and mentor me.

That is what I needed and Perhaps what you need. Also, as mentioned above, the Lord Convicts but the devil condemns. The Lord will show you a way to proceed if He convicts you of something. Otherwise it is all smoke and mirrors from the dark side.

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When God moves into the heart works become a natural out flow from Love that 'IS' Jesus within... His Spirit bearts witness to our s/Spirit that He 'IS' there by the radically changed value system of grace! As said above you must be born again...  Love, Steven

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7 hours ago, JesusIsLord92 said:

First of all I am not here for debate or to be attacked. I’m genuinely seeking fellowship and answers from a respectful, empathetic viewpoint. I apologise if this ends up being long. 

 

I grew up going to church as a young child. I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

 

When I was around 22 I had an idea to listen to a local Christian radio station. I’m not sure how I knew about it, I guess because my mum was a Christian. I started listening to it and listening to the sermons and realised I wasn’t a Christian after all. I felt a change of sin attitude and started reading the bible. I never made a conscious effort of saying “Jesus I accept you and I commit my life to you”. But I did sincerely try the sinners prayer a few times. It take about a year but I dropped tv shows I watched which were wicked (witchcraft in them) and music interests which were taking provide of place in my life. I did make a testimony about this. 

 

The following year I felt a push from God to drop all non-christian music, movies, books (I have slipped and felt God’s anger towards it), tv and literally just be all Christian 24/7. This was a very difficult, upsetting, trying time and I went through many episodes of depression and backsliding and feeling always I couldn’t quite reach the “mark” I wanted to reach (stopping sin I had trouble in, being perfectly Christian 24/7 and things like that). If I slipped I felt God really mad at me. I felt he disciplined me all the time with health scares. I felt like I was in jail. My prayers weren’t being answered for health, friends or anything I asked. I asked forgiveness for my sins every day and sought out forgiveness from those I hurt or held grudges (some I can’t go to because I think it would be foolish). I suffered constant confusion with things in my mind and never got clarity. I was living a constant life of confusion and lack of encouragement. I prayed every day for unselfish things. I prayed for one Christian friend but God to me felt like He kept letting me down. My walk with God was a roller coaster but constantly on the low end. I could talk more about what I went through. It was a lonely, painful and meaningless experience. I was sin focused 24/7 and constantly had ocd of “cleansing myself” of sin all day. I went through the darkest pits of my life in Christianity. I wasn’t allowed hobbies so tried to be Christian 24/7 in regards to hobbies. I had to get rid of all my dvds and some belongings because I felt God’s anger if I tried to do anything. I knew why because if I started a game it quickly became an idol. Everything quickly became an idol. So I was banned from hobbies. I have written maybe a 100 different posts over Facebook and other forums charting my trials of pain in Christianity. Not persecution (well, I’ve had a little bit of it) just the turmoil of my soul, my health and the “requirements” of being a Christian. 

 

God told me to witness to my neighbours this year and I disobeyed as I was having panic attacks and fear. Because they were aggressive and atheists. When I disobeyed I felt this weight of sin on me and felt as if God walked away. I have been told by God to witness again to others but feel sick with fear. I suffer anxiety in different names. 

 

I noticed I was falling about a year or two ago in my initial spirit...I was into sermons but stopped due to health. God hasn’t stopped my health issues. I never understood why I wasn’t able to overcome not being able to read the bible or study due to pain attacks (chest mostly). I never understand why God allowed that. I tried to overcome asking God, he didn’t do anything. I always felt confused and He never clarified anything. I always thought of the verse that says “faith without works is dead” and “there remains no sacrifice for sin”(if you go on sinning). I never had works for Jesus. Just praying. I was never able to fast or witness (I did try once or twice online). 

 

Now I have completely backslid....(October) I haven’t been able to come back to God. And my heart doesn’t want to go back to what I just wrote...the pain, the emptiness and the feeling I’m never reaching that “state” that needs to get into heaven (I know works don’t save but I believe we must avoid sin daily). I know Christianity isn’t painfree and meant to be a struggle. But I honestly don’t want to go back to that pit where I’m being poked by fire all day in my Spirit for falling all the time. I have been encouraged to do games by my ex psych which I thought was ok because I really needed a “break”

In October this year I had a life changing thing happen to me and have gone back to some former things I did. I’ve sinned many sins and become kind of vile in my heart. I scoff inside at Christian sayings or bible verses. I have had this happen before and even thrown my bible but came back to Him. I feel backslidden and match backslidden requirements. I have become mostly cold inside and selfish. 

 

I don’t feel reprobate and I do desire to come back I just don’t want what I had before of crying so much in my bedroom due to failing all the time and feeling I’d go to hell. I tried so hard to be a Christian and sought Jesus but never could get close to HIM. 

 

I want to feel Jesus in my heart but can’t get to that point. I want dreams and visions 

And proof He is there. I can’t take not having fellowship (I have tried) and being excluded at churches.

 

 

From your words i believe you bought the works salvation doctrine and you have never believed in or had faith in salvation by the grace of God through believing Jesus and trusting 100% in the Atonement He secured for the forgiveness of all your sins...   The more you have fanatically striven to achieve sinlessness in your life the more you have failed time and time again and because your confidence in salvation is based on a works salvation mindset any hope you had of salvation has dissipated and so after years of exhaustion trying to be the perfect sinless religious person,,, which no human being has ever achieved.. ( Only Jesus lived a life without sin) you gave up and also gave up on any hope of salvation...

We Christians fail and the more honest we are about it the more failings we see ourselves guilty of each day...  But a Christian who has truly embraced the Love of the Truth of the Gospel that all their sins are covered and washed away by the Blood of the LORD Jesus Christ will acknowledge all their failures to God and thank God with joy in their hearts that He has forgiven them.. So each day they can get back up and try to be more loving towards their neighbour and loving towards God..

 

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17 hours ago, JesusIsLord92 said:

First of all I am not here for debate or to be attacked. I’m genuinely seeking fellowship and answers from a respectful, empathetic viewpoint. I apologise if this ends up being long. 

 

I grew up going to church as a young child. I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

 

The God you talk about isn't what God is like. You have a Zeus lightning-bolt kind of thought about God. If a child falls when learning to walk and the parent kicks them, what does that say about the parent? This is what you're saying God does. Jesus dealt with sin and there's nothing you can do about sin except surrender. You must obey the Holy Spirit in order to be free from torments the devil heaps on us because of the Greek thinking God is like Zeus waiting to zap you if you get out of line. You need to change your mind about God.

Romans 8:32 (ESV2011)
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

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The true Christians life is a freedom from guilt, not a heavy burden of it. You will fail, you will sin, you will suffer, but the response is not beating yourself up. The response is apology and asking for strength and guidance to do better next time.

"15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." -- Romans 7:15-20

Yes even the great Paul struggled with continued sin.

I would advise you get on your knees and ask for salvation. For real this time. Do you know how? You admit you are a sinner, you admit you cannot save yourself, and you ask God to save you...and to change you. Little by little. More today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today. You ask Him to teach you and guide you. You also ask Him to free your heart from the burden of perfectionism. You ask that He be gentle and kind in his correction, to help lead you back to Him and forward on the path He wants you to be on!

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Hey, JesusisLord92, you might find something in my testimony that would be of interest to you. I have listed a link to it here at Worthy if you care to read it.

 

John

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On 12/30/2017 at 11:10 PM, JesusIsLord92 said:

I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

Why did Jesus have so many enemies? :)

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Please consider I'm not a Pastor or qualified to give any spiritual advice. Other than to convey to you my testimony of what the Lord did for me. It's too long a story to go into detail about so I'll be as brief as possible.  

Not long ago I too was having a spiritual battle inside and questioning if I was even actually saved or not. My soul was very unsettled and hurting and something was tugging at my heart. I was having a terrible fear of death and going to Hell for all of eternity. 

I pass by many churches when driving around town and paid little if any attention, save one. There's a little country church just a mile from my house. Almost every time I drove by it, a little voice in my head was saying, "Dennis, you need to attend a service here." But I resisted for a number of reasons, one being I was afraid because I didn't know anyone there, I had not been to church in decades, etc. 

One day I was going about my business, and out of the clear blue sky something came over me out of nowhere. I've always liked to project myself as a strong man, not prone to crying or weakness. All of a sudden I started bawling like I've never cried in my life, and found myself on my knees talking to the Lord and confessing my guts out and begging Him for forgiveness. I invited the Lord Jesus back into my life. From the bottom of my heart I confessed I was a dreadful unworthy sinner in need of His saving Grace. I confessed my heart felt belief in all the things the Bible tells us of Him. I was talking through a lot of snot and tears, but talking to a real Lord and Savior whom loves me personally. I was talking to my Heavenly Father and begging. 

I can't describe the relief and weight of burdens lifted off of me after confessing and talking to my Heavenly Father. Real lasting joy, peace, comfort and happiness came into my life.

I won't delve into the three things I asked for during my prayers that were miraculously answered. Well maybe one. The Lord immediately cured me then and there of my 46 year long bout with alcoholism. Right then and there, no jitters, no with-drawls, no cravings and no want to ever again put alcohol to my lips. Oh the Lord is good!

The Lord will always answer our prayers if we truly believe on the Lord Jesus Christ as our personal Savior. The Lord may answer yes, He may answer no for our benefit or if it's not to bring Him glory, or it may be 'wait', for His timing. 

The Lord loves each and everyone of us more than we can comprehend. With a humble heart, in a quiet place with no distractions, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Edited by Dennis1209
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