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Want to come back to God but at the same time I don’t


JesusIsLord92

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First of all I am not here for debate or to be attacked. I’m genuinely seeking fellowship and answers from a respectful, empathetic viewpoint. I apologise if this ends up being long. 

 

I grew up going to church as a young child. I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

 

When I was around 22 I had an idea to listen to a local Christian radio station. I’m not sure how I knew about it, I guess because my mum was a Christian. I started listening to it and listening to the sermons and realised I wasn’t a Christian after all. I felt a change of sin attitude and started reading the bible. I never made a conscious effort of saying “Jesus I accept you and I commit my life to you”. But I did sincerely try the sinners prayer a few times. It take about a year but I dropped tv shows I watched which were wicked (witchcraft in them) and music interests which were taking provide of place in my life. I did make a testimony about this. 

 

The following year I felt a push from God to drop all non-christian music, movies, books (I have slipped and felt God’s anger towards it), tv and literally just be all Christian 24/7. This was a very difficult, upsetting, trying time and I went through many episodes of depression and backsliding and feeling always I couldn’t quite reach the “mark” I wanted to reach (stopping sin I had trouble in, being perfectly Christian 24/7 and things like that). If I slipped I felt God really mad at me. I felt he disciplined me all the time with health scares. I felt like I was in jail. My prayers weren’t being answered for health, friends or anything I asked. I asked forgiveness for my sins every day and sought out forgiveness from those I hurt or held grudges (some I can’t go to because I think it would be foolish). I suffered constant confusion with things in my mind and never got clarity. I was living a constant life of confusion and lack of encouragement. I prayed every day for unselfish things. I prayed for one Christian friend but God to me felt like He kept letting me down. My walk with God was a roller coaster but constantly on the low end. I could talk more about what I went through. It was a lonely, painful and meaningless experience. I was sin focused 24/7 and constantly had ocd of “cleansing myself” of sin all day. I went through the darkest pits of my life in Christianity. I wasn’t allowed hobbies so tried to be Christian 24/7 in regards to hobbies. I had to get rid of all my dvds and some belongings because I felt God’s anger if I tried to do anything. I knew why because if I started a game it quickly became an idol. Everything quickly became an idol. So I was banned from hobbies. I have written maybe a 100 different posts over Facebook and other forums charting my trials of pain in Christianity. Not persecution (well, I’ve had a little bit of it) just the turmoil of my soul, my health and the “requirements” of being a Christian. 

 

God told me to witness to my neighbours this year and I disobeyed as I was having panic attacks and fear. Because they were aggressive and atheists. When I disobeyed I felt this weight of sin on me and felt as if God walked away. I have been told by God to witness again to others but feel sick with fear. I suffer anxiety in different names. 

 

I noticed I was falling about a year or two ago in my initial spirit...I was into sermons but stopped due to health. God hasn’t stopped my health issues. I never understood why I wasn’t able to overcome not being able to read the bible or study due to pain attacks (chest mostly). I never understand why God allowed that. I tried to overcome asking God, he didn’t do anything. I always felt confused and He never clarified anything. I always thought of the verse that says “faith without works is dead” and “there remains no sacrifice for sin”(if you go on sinning). I never had works for Jesus. Just praying. I was never able to fast or witness (I did try once or twice online). 

 

Now I have completely backslid....(October) I haven’t been able to come back to God. And my heart doesn’t want to go back to what I just wrote...the pain, the emptiness and the feeling I’m never reaching that “state” that needs to get into heaven (I know works don’t save but I believe we must avoid sin daily). I know Christianity isn’t painfree and meant to be a struggle. But I honestly don’t want to go back to that pit where I’m being poked by fire all day in my Spirit for falling all the time. I have been encouraged to do games by my ex psych which I thought was ok because I really needed a “break”

In October this year I had a life changing thing happen to me and have gone back to some former things I did. I’ve sinned many sins and become kind of vile in my heart. I scoff inside at Christian sayings or bible verses. I have had this happen before and even thrown my bible but came back to Him. I feel backslidden and match backslidden requirements. I have become mostly cold inside and selfish. 

 

I don’t feel reprobate and I do desire to come back I just don’t want what I had before of crying so much in my bedroom due to failing all the time and feeling I’d go to hell. I tried so hard to be a Christian and sought Jesus but never could get close to HIM. 

 

I want to feel Jesus in my heart but can’t get to that point. I want dreams and visions 

And proof He is there. I can’t take not having fellowship (I have tried) and being excluded at churches.

 

 

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Your story sounds so familiar to me. It will take some time to unravel firstly WHO you are and secondly who the Lord is. As you are attempting this the adversary's mean little demons are constantly whispering what a looser you are and that you will never make it. Etc ad nauseaum.

What I needed, and never seemed to find, was a mature Christian who did not have a dog in the fight. Somebody to trust for counsel. Perhaps a group that could uphold me and mentor me.

That is what I needed and Perhaps what you need. Also, as mentioned above, the Lord Convicts but the devil condemns. The Lord will show you a way to proceed if He convicts you of something. Otherwise it is all smoke and mirrors from the dark side.

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When God moves into the heart works become a natural out flow from Love that 'IS' Jesus within... His Spirit bearts witness to our s/Spirit that He 'IS' there by the radically changed value system of grace! As said above you must be born again...  Love, Steven

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The true Christians life is a freedom from guilt, not a heavy burden of it. You will fail, you will sin, you will suffer, but the response is not beating yourself up. The response is apology and asking for strength and guidance to do better next time.

"15 For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16 Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17 So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me." -- Romans 7:15-20

Yes even the great Paul struggled with continued sin.

I would advise you get on your knees and ask for salvation. For real this time. Do you know how? You admit you are a sinner, you admit you cannot save yourself, and you ask God to save you...and to change you. Little by little. More today than yesterday, more tomorrow than today. You ask Him to teach you and guide you. You also ask Him to free your heart from the burden of perfectionism. You ask that He be gentle and kind in his correction, to help lead you back to Him and forward on the path He wants you to be on!

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  • 3 weeks later...

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Hey, JesusisLord92, you might find something in my testimony that would be of interest to you. I have listed a link to it here at Worthy if you care to read it.

 

John

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On 12/30/2017 at 11:10 PM, JesusIsLord92 said:

I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

Why did Jesus have so many enemies? :)

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Please consider I'm not a Pastor or qualified to give any spiritual advice. Other than to convey to you my testimony of what the Lord did for me. It's too long a story to go into detail about so I'll be as brief as possible.  

Not long ago I too was having a spiritual battle inside and questioning if I was even actually saved or not. My soul was very unsettled and hurting and something was tugging at my heart. I was having a terrible fear of death and going to Hell for all of eternity. 

I pass by many churches when driving around town and paid little if any attention, save one. There's a little country church just a mile from my house. Almost every time I drove by it, a little voice in my head was saying, "Dennis, you need to attend a service here." But I resisted for a number of reasons, one being I was afraid because I didn't know anyone there, I had not been to church in decades, etc. 

One day I was going about my business, and out of the clear blue sky something came over me out of nowhere. I've always liked to project myself as a strong man, not prone to crying or weakness. All of a sudden I started bawling like I've never cried in my life, and found myself on my knees talking to the Lord and confessing my guts out and begging Him for forgiveness. I invited the Lord Jesus back into my life. From the bottom of my heart I confessed I was a dreadful unworthy sinner in need of His saving Grace. I confessed my heart felt belief in all the things the Bible tells us of Him. I was talking through a lot of snot and tears, but talking to a real Lord and Savior whom loves me personally. I was talking to my Heavenly Father and begging. 

I can't describe the relief and weight of burdens lifted off of me after confessing and talking to my Heavenly Father. Real lasting joy, peace, comfort and happiness came into my life.

I won't delve into the three things I asked for during my prayers that were miraculously answered. Well maybe one. The Lord immediately cured me then and there of my 46 year long bout with alcoholism. Right then and there, no jitters, no with-drawls, no cravings and no want to ever again put alcohol to my lips. Oh the Lord is good!

The Lord will always answer our prayers if we truly believe on the Lord Jesus Christ as our personal Savior. The Lord may answer yes, He may answer no for our benefit or if it's not to bring Him glory, or it may be 'wait', for His timing. 

The Lord loves each and everyone of us more than we can comprehend. With a humble heart, in a quiet place with no distractions, take it to the Lord in prayer.

Edited by Dennis1209
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Shalom Jes,

I believe, your letter has been answered above quite extensively. So, what I may add is just this little. Please, find your Bible-believing Church, whether nearby your home or at this Forum, or both. Find your personal Ministry as per those Gifts the LORD our GOD has blessed you with. Continue Bible study, for only in the Word of GOD you can find the Right Answer to literally every question. In these - Church, Forum, Charity, Study - try to find you Christian Friends. The rest you know.

GOD bless you.

Igor

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On 12/31/2017 at 1:10 AM, JesusIsLord92 said:

First of all I am not here for debate or to be attacked. I’m genuinely seeking fellowship and answers from a respectful, empathetic viewpoint. I apologise if this ends up being long. 

 

I grew up going to church as a young child. I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

 

When I was around 22 I had an idea to listen to a local Christian radio station. I’m not sure how I knew about it, I guess because my mum was a Christian. I started listening to it and listening to the sermons and realised I wasn’t a Christian after all. I felt a change of sin attitude and started reading the bible. I never made a conscious effort of saying “Jesus I accept you and I commit my life to you”. But I did sincerely try the sinners prayer a few times. It take about a year but I dropped tv shows I watched which were wicked (witchcraft in them) and music interests which were taking provide of place in my life. I did make a testimony about this. 

 

The following year I felt a push from God to drop all non-christian music, movies, books (I have slipped and felt God’s anger towards it), tv and literally just be all Christian 24/7. This was a very difficult, upsetting, trying time and I went through many episodes of depression and backsliding and feeling always I couldn’t quite reach the “mark” I wanted to reach (stopping sin I had trouble in, being perfectly Christian 24/7 and things like that). If I slipped I felt God really mad at me. I felt he disciplined me all the time with health scares. I felt like I was in jail. My prayers weren’t being answered for health, friends or anything I asked. I asked forgiveness for my sins every day and sought out forgiveness from those I hurt or held grudges (some I can’t go to because I think it would be foolish). I suffered constant confusion with things in my mind and never got clarity. I was living a constant life of confusion and lack of encouragement. I prayed every day for unselfish things. I prayed for one Christian friend but God to me felt like He kept letting me down. My walk with God was a roller coaster but constantly on the low end. I could talk more about what I went through. It was a lonely, painful and meaningless experience. I was sin focused 24/7 and constantly had ocd of “cleansing myself” of sin all day. I went through the darkest pits of my life in Christianity. I wasn’t allowed hobbies so tried to be Christian 24/7 in regards to hobbies. I had to get rid of all my dvds and some belongings because I felt God’s anger if I tried to do anything. I knew why because if I started a game it quickly became an idol. Everything quickly became an idol. So I was banned from hobbies. I have written maybe a 100 different posts over Facebook and other forums charting my trials of pain in Christianity. Not persecution (well, I’ve had a little bit of it) just the turmoil of my soul, my health and the “requirements” of being a Christian. 

 

God told me to witness to my neighbours this year and I disobeyed as I was having panic attacks and fear. Because they were aggressive and atheists. When I disobeyed I felt this weight of sin on me and felt as if God walked away. I have been told by God to witness again to others but feel sick with fear. I suffer anxiety in different names. 

 

I noticed I was falling about a year or two ago in my initial spirit...I was into sermons but stopped due to health. God hasn’t stopped my health issues. I never understood why I wasn’t able to overcome not being able to read the bible or study due to pain attacks (chest mostly). I never understand why God allowed that. I tried to overcome asking God, he didn’t do anything. I always felt confused and He never clarified anything. I always thought of the verse that says “faith without works is dead” and “there remains no sacrifice for sin”(if you go on sinning). I never had works for Jesus. Just praying. I was never able to fast or witness (I did try once or twice online). 

 

Now I have completely backslid....(October) I haven’t been able to come back to God. And my heart doesn’t want to go back to what I just wrote...the pain, the emptiness and the feeling I’m never reaching that “state” that needs to get into heaven (I know works don’t save but I believe we must avoid sin daily). I know Christianity isn’t painfree and meant to be a struggle. But I honestly don’t want to go back to that pit where I’m being poked by fire all day in my Spirit for falling all the time. I have been encouraged to do games by my ex psych which I thought was ok because I really needed a “break”

In October this year I had a life changing thing happen to me and have gone back to some former things I did. I’ve sinned many sins and become kind of vile in my heart. I scoff inside at Christian sayings or bible verses. I have had this happen before and even thrown my bible but came back to Him. I feel backslidden and match backslidden requirements. I have become mostly cold inside and selfish. 

 

I don’t feel reprobate and I do desire to come back I just don’t want what I had before of crying so much in my bedroom due to failing all the time and feeling I’d go to hell. I tried so hard to be a Christian and sought Jesus but never could get close to HIM. 

 

I want to feel Jesus in my heart but can’t get to that point. I want dreams and visions 

And proof He is there. I can’t take not having fellowship (I have tried) and being excluded at churches.

 

 

You here are making your salvation all about works when then its not the case. Salvation is a FREE gift and never of works. When we make it all about works we will fail every time for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). NONE of us can ever be good enough.

Being saved makes us forgiven SINNERS, not perfect. He loves us even in spite of our failures. 

You want dreams and visions, you say; that isnt likely to happen as Jesus rarely communicates with people in such a way. The only way you really need to hear from Him is through the bible. More often than not its all about letting Him work on your heart till you realise that you are a broken sinner who can never be good enough and that you need Him. 

 

Edited by TheMatrixHasU71
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