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JesusIsLord92

Want to come back to God but at the same time I don’t

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Shalom Jes,

I believe, your letter has been answered above quite extensively. So, what I may add is just this little. Please, find your Bible-believing Church, whether nearby your home or at this Forum, or both. Find your personal Ministry as per those Gifts the LORD our GOD has blessed you with. Continue Bible study, for only in the Word of GOD you can find the Right Answer to literally every question. In these - Church, Forum, Charity, Study - try to find you Christian Friends. The rest you know.

GOD bless you.

Igor

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On 12/31/2017 at 1:10 AM, JesusIsLord92 said:

First of all I am not here for debate or to be attacked. I’m genuinely seeking fellowship and answers from a respectful, empathetic viewpoint. I apologise if this ends up being long. 

 

I grew up going to church as a young child. I was always an outcast at school and before school and always felt “different”. I prayed to God and thought I was a Christian till I was about 22. I was a sad, lonely and bullied young woman and thought maybe it was because I was a “Christian” as I thought. I now realise it was most likely other things such as my shyness and different upbringing. But never can figure out why I had so many enemies. 

 

When I was around 22 I had an idea to listen to a local Christian radio station. I’m not sure how I knew about it, I guess because my mum was a Christian. I started listening to it and listening to the sermons and realised I wasn’t a Christian after all. I felt a change of sin attitude and started reading the bible. I never made a conscious effort of saying “Jesus I accept you and I commit my life to you”. But I did sincerely try the sinners prayer a few times. It take about a year but I dropped tv shows I watched which were wicked (witchcraft in them) and music interests which were taking provide of place in my life. I did make a testimony about this. 

 

The following year I felt a push from God to drop all non-christian music, movies, books (I have slipped and felt God’s anger towards it), tv and literally just be all Christian 24/7. This was a very difficult, upsetting, trying time and I went through many episodes of depression and backsliding and feeling always I couldn’t quite reach the “mark” I wanted to reach (stopping sin I had trouble in, being perfectly Christian 24/7 and things like that). If I slipped I felt God really mad at me. I felt he disciplined me all the time with health scares. I felt like I was in jail. My prayers weren’t being answered for health, friends or anything I asked. I asked forgiveness for my sins every day and sought out forgiveness from those I hurt or held grudges (some I can’t go to because I think it would be foolish). I suffered constant confusion with things in my mind and never got clarity. I was living a constant life of confusion and lack of encouragement. I prayed every day for unselfish things. I prayed for one Christian friend but God to me felt like He kept letting me down. My walk with God was a roller coaster but constantly on the low end. I could talk more about what I went through. It was a lonely, painful and meaningless experience. I was sin focused 24/7 and constantly had ocd of “cleansing myself” of sin all day. I went through the darkest pits of my life in Christianity. I wasn’t allowed hobbies so tried to be Christian 24/7 in regards to hobbies. I had to get rid of all my dvds and some belongings because I felt God’s anger if I tried to do anything. I knew why because if I started a game it quickly became an idol. Everything quickly became an idol. So I was banned from hobbies. I have written maybe a 100 different posts over Facebook and other forums charting my trials of pain in Christianity. Not persecution (well, I’ve had a little bit of it) just the turmoil of my soul, my health and the “requirements” of being a Christian. 

 

God told me to witness to my neighbours this year and I disobeyed as I was having panic attacks and fear. Because they were aggressive and atheists. When I disobeyed I felt this weight of sin on me and felt as if God walked away. I have been told by God to witness again to others but feel sick with fear. I suffer anxiety in different names. 

 

I noticed I was falling about a year or two ago in my initial spirit...I was into sermons but stopped due to health. God hasn’t stopped my health issues. I never understood why I wasn’t able to overcome not being able to read the bible or study due to pain attacks (chest mostly). I never understand why God allowed that. I tried to overcome asking God, he didn’t do anything. I always felt confused and He never clarified anything. I always thought of the verse that says “faith without works is dead” and “there remains no sacrifice for sin”(if you go on sinning). I never had works for Jesus. Just praying. I was never able to fast or witness (I did try once or twice online). 

 

Now I have completely backslid....(October) I haven’t been able to come back to God. And my heart doesn’t want to go back to what I just wrote...the pain, the emptiness and the feeling I’m never reaching that “state” that needs to get into heaven (I know works don’t save but I believe we must avoid sin daily). I know Christianity isn’t painfree and meant to be a struggle. But I honestly don’t want to go back to that pit where I’m being poked by fire all day in my Spirit for falling all the time. I have been encouraged to do games by my ex psych which I thought was ok because I really needed a “break”

In October this year I had a life changing thing happen to me and have gone back to some former things I did. I’ve sinned many sins and become kind of vile in my heart. I scoff inside at Christian sayings or bible verses. I have had this happen before and even thrown my bible but came back to Him. I feel backslidden and match backslidden requirements. I have become mostly cold inside and selfish. 

 

I don’t feel reprobate and I do desire to come back I just don’t want what I had before of crying so much in my bedroom due to failing all the time and feeling I’d go to hell. I tried so hard to be a Christian and sought Jesus but never could get close to HIM. 

 

I want to feel Jesus in my heart but can’t get to that point. I want dreams and visions 

And proof He is there. I can’t take not having fellowship (I have tried) and being excluded at churches.

 

 

You here are making your salvation all about works when then its not the case. Salvation is a FREE gift and never of works. When we make it all about works we will fail every time for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). NONE of us can ever be good enough.

Being saved makes us forgiven SINNERS, not perfect. He loves us even in spite of our failures. 

You want dreams and visions, you say; that isnt likely to happen as Jesus rarely communicates with people in such a way. The only way you really need to hear from Him is through the bible. More often than not its all about letting Him work on your heart till you realise that you are a broken sinner who can never be good enough and that you need Him. 

 

Edited by TheMatrixHasU71
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