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GreyDestiny

A hand upon my head

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I was supposedly raised Christian. I say supposedly because someone handed me a bible and expected me to read it, much less understand it. It's a bit hard for a child to appreciate such things, especially with fairly minimal guidance. I would do the motions everyone else was doing, but again, as a kid, didn't really get it. Then there was a spot of drama in the church that we attended, and thanks to disagreements, my parents were invited to never return. They haven't been to a church since then, thus ending any Christian education when it came to myself.

As a young child, I was academically inclined. I loved reading and I did my homework. Then along came the idea of atheism. My focus on education led me to believe that all of the answers were held within science, and so I dove into the atheist hype. I did not believe in God as there was no scientific proof. I would giggle as I argued with people online about his existence. Imagine every edgy atheist teenager ever, you get the idea. However, the more that I came to learn, the more I realized it was impossible to know everything. This realization caused me to look back and do critical thinking, and in my mind, the existence of a creator made infinitely more sense than *Poof!* the universe appears in all of it's complexity out of nowhere.

This did not mean I turned to Christianity at first, oh no, I was still affected by my teenage years. I basically tried obtaining my own belief system, largely spiritual in nature. I worshipped nature, I believed in rebirth, my own idea of the afterlife and what the creator was... I bounced around a bit. Deciding it was all too messy and i'd rather not associate myself with ideas put forth by smelly potheads, I then began my search into more established religions. This first led me to the idea of buddhism, which is what I mainly clung to during this time. I tried looking here and there and there and here and none it seemed right to me.

It was then that I picked up that bible that was handed to me as a small child. If the answers were not elsewhere, perhaps they were here. So, yeah, my initial draw to Christianity probably wasn't the best. It was more of doing the motions like I did as a kid more than anything else, you know?

For some background, one must know that I was having issues with myself, issues that still bother me to this day. Namely, my sexuality. With no moral boundaries at the time and access to the internet, I deeply bathed myself in adult material. While I know most don't believe in such a thing, it became... Kind of an addiction. My self control was lost. I tried employing psychology to assist, namely the idea that if you punish yourself for doing bad things, you can teach yourself not to do them. Hurting myself didn't do much for me, so I tried displeasing myself by inducing vomit. If I messed up, I would shove my fingers down my throat so that I came to associate release with the nastiness of puke. It really didn't work, either. Again just mainly doing motions, I started praying about the issue. It was worth a shot, right?

I was lying in bed one night, trembling with effort. My mind was attacking me, bombarding me with images of women. I kept mumbling to myself, "I ain't ever gonna do it again, I ain't gonna do it..." I then felt a hand on my head. It did not feel like a physical hand, more like... Energy. The feeling it gave off was soothing, and the images and trembling began to fade. I fell asleep soon after.

I hadn't gone far into the bible at this point. I thought it was just a dream. The next morning, I was reading the OT when I came across the first mention of it. Someone claiming that God's hand was upon their heads. I wish I could track down the specific verse, but it hit me full force at that moment.  

That God was real.

That God was the answer I had been searching for.

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Lev 1:4 "He shall put his hand upon the head of the burnt-offering,"

And guess who was the Sacrifice? Yes, Yeshua. His blood was forever spilled on the Mercy Seat for the atonement of our sins.

Thus we may boldly approach the throne of Grace, for our Advocate, the Great High Priest is forever making intercessions for us.

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Thanks for sharing, God bless you.  :)

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On 2018-01-31 at 3:02 PM, GreyDestiny said:

 I was lying in bed one night, trembling with effort. My mind was attacking me, bombarding me with images of women. I kept mumbling to myself, "I ain't ever gonna do it again, I ain't gonna do it..." I then felt a hand on my head. It did not feel like a physical hand, more like... Energy. The feeling it gave off was soothing, and the images and trembling began to fade. I fell asleep soon after.

I hadn't gone far into the bible at this point. I thought it was just a dream. The next morning, I was reading the OT when I came across the first mention of it. Someone claiming that God's hand was upon their heads. I wish I could track down the specific verse, but it hit me full force at that moment.  

That God was real.

That God was the answer I had been searching for.

I got goosebumps as I read this. Praise God for your experience! 

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