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justjoe

Marriage problems to the max

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To set the backdrop.

Having some serious problems in my marriage.  I've been married for 15 years.  We came into this marriage with children.  I had one and my wife two.  A year ago this may our 2nd to oldest child fell off of a cliff and almost died.  He is now paralyzed from the waist down and that has been a huge heart ache for all of us.  We had many problems with him before his accident, he ran away when he was 17 and was having serious issues with porn.  He had been getting into drugs as well (and still is).  We have been absolutely grieved by all this, trying to support him and encourage him towards the Lord as much as we can.  It has been overwhelming.  We are hopeful now things are going better.  We also have 7 other kids, for a total of 10.  8 still live at home.  

This last fall my view on what all happened.

This last fall, to put it bluntly my wife was unfaithful.  She was in a romantic relationship with a man from the hospital that Noah was staying at when he had sepsis.  The relationship did not turn physical before it was found out but it was very romantic in nature.  When I originally addressed it she lied to me.  She later admitted when I confronted her with more knowledge.  It wasn’t a very long relationship; 6 days is all; but please know that we are months out now and hardly a week goes by (often more like day) that I am not weeping over it.  My wife is largely ignorant of much she killed me.  I’ve realized that I put my trust in something empty.  I do love her, more than life; however, as we have moved on I’m realizing more and more that this relationship is based on my suffering.  After everything came out I was absolutely crushed.  I mean nothing to live for, emotional type crushed.  I hardly had a reason to go on it seemed.  We started working on things, and had an overnight without kids and had great talks and since have just went on.  She largly doesn’t want to talk about it at all to the point she has threatened with “if you can’t get over this maybe we just won’t work out” when talking about it has started.  Her point was well taken and we haven’t talked about it.  What this shows me is what I have been shown many times through both actions and words, that she truly doesn’t love me.  She loves that I do things for her and treat her well, leave love notes, buy flowers, rub her back and feet but she has no true sacrificial love for me.  Maybe this is just my thoughts and not reality but there are certainly days that I look back and ask myself why was I the one picking up the broken pieces of our relationship and not her when it was me that she crushed?  Is this what marriage looks like?  Certainly, Christ suffered for his bride.  I just pray that it doesn’t stay this way.  There is a U2 song that says ‘I can’t live, with or without you’.  That is so how I feel.  This hurts so much, but I love her and still want her and would give my life for her.  I really need some godly advice.  I am not in need of sympathizers.

 

Her view on this.

 

She says I’m too jealous which make me fearful.  She says it’s because of past relationship that my ex committed adultery.

She says in general terms that I’ve always been overly jealous but when it comes down to it and we talk about it there are number of things I was jealous over that anyone would be ie.. going to ex boyfriends houses while I’m at work, having ex boyfriends come to our house also while I’m at work.  I don’t think anything happened but come on.  I would never do that to her.  Call me crazy but I don’t think this is over jealous at all.  Over the past year, since Noah fell there have been two more instances that she brings up.  She brings them up out of context and only talks about my being upset about it.  The first is over a young man that was at the hospital while Noah was there.  She was staying up at the hospital.  She introduced to him (Henry) to me.  Nothing to weird.  I was a little thrown off by their reaction to me.  She was telling me how great he and another man up there were.  She went into their room to talk, as she had been doing and when I came in it got weird.  They were so awkward around me.  Red flag, but not on her part.  It just showed me where these guys where coming from towards my wife.  A couple weeks down the road I am reading texts from him to my wife and there is a missing flow to the conversation.  I asked her about it and she was honest with me and said that Henry had made a pass at her.  She said he crossed the line and let me start talking with him.  Everything is still fine, however at this point she is being very distant to me both emotionally and sexually.  She had also recently started wearing more revealing clothing.  This is where we had a fight.  I connected the dots, and accused her of not being interested in me but revealing herself to other in her dress.  My point is it was a singular thing.  I’ve since apologized.  I don’t want to tear her down and I think that is the way she feels.  There was also another case that also is out of context when told by her.  The part she brings up is me accusing her of trying to impress a guy at church.  To put it into context.  This was a week that we were away with Noah for therapy for him.  During the week several times she commented she thinks I look sloppy.  She didn’t like the way I dressed.  She complained that I look like a hunchback as well several times.  I’m not bragging but I am a very handsome and fairly fit man.  I do (or did) have plenty of confidence in myself.  Just the same, comments like these from her really sting.  From someone else I might even laugh.  Not from her though.  I think the world of her and wish she did of me too.  During this time we went to church twice.  The first time there were two young men that sat down from us that came up and said hi at the beginning of the service.  Later my wife comments on how manly and cool they are.  Ouch, I’m sloppy and hunchback and they are manly and cool.  Love you too hun.  The next visit to this church we pick a seat and a few minutes later one of these two guys comes and sits down the row from us.  At that point, my wife starts shaking her hips during the song.  Later is where I did accuse her of trying to impress this guy.  I’ve also since apologized sincerely with tears for both.  I do give of myself and want to build her up. 

Going on

I’m only telling these stories because they are what she has been claiming are the reasons she pursued the romantic relationship with this other man.  Is this my fault?  Do I deserve this?  I have always been a loving husband.  I don’t forget birthdays, anniversaries etc.  I show her a care deeply.  I take as much load on myself as I can.  I sleep hours less, take care of kids whenever I can, cook for her, and I mean cook well for her.  I’m all about doing something special for my wife.  My kids are a huge witness to this and talk about it.  I love and have loved my wife.  I’m not at all claiming i did it perfectly.  I’ve been grumpy and all that, but I love my wife and show it.  I love her more and more I as the years go on.  I’m learning about what it looks like to love more and more.  There have been shaky years in the past as well.  She had some sort of depression after the birth of our last son.  It was pretty much a year of in bed until noon at which time breakfast was brought to her as much as possible.  I was running my own company from home at that time and would work a 20 hour day or two a week and have another in office(at home) day so it was a blessing from God on the timing for sure so I could help more.  It was a tough year I was watching kids, running a new business, building our house and trying to keep our marriage going.  ‘I hate you and I want a divorce’ were said so regularly that I couldn’t tell you how many times I heard them.  I know she was having a tough time but that hurt.  It still does.  I still think of those words particularly when we fight.  I was giving my all. 

I want our marriage to work out but I have no idea how to make it work.  There is still a big issue of modesty.   I don’t have a lot of trust for her, which I know is necessary in a good relationship.  I am always telling her and showing her how attracted I am to her.  It seems that’s not enough.  Please any advice someone might have in steering this marriage back aright would be so appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by justjoe
Corrections
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The two of you should get pastoral counseling, it sounds like you would go and if she loves you, she'd go too.

 

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Yowm beat me to it. You need counseling from an experienced, Godly pastor. She needs to be willing to go and to try to make it work.

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It sounds like you are a wonderful man and husband.  I hope and pray she will be willing to go to Christian counseling with you conducted by a wise pastor.

I know you are hurting badly from her behavior, and also it's so difficult with your son being disabled, and your other children....but please try to go off somewhere quiet each day and have your quiet time with the Lord.   Read some encouraging, strengthening promises from His word, and remember you are a child of God and He loves you.   This can help you regain your confidence.   Perhaps then she will not treat you so badly....

Do ask her to go for the counseling...but if she will not, please seek to strengthen yourself in the Lord in order to keep on with this situation.  And let the Lord deal with her.

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Been there unfortunately. Be prepared for the worst since she takes you for granted. Don't go to shrinks, but if there is any hope in a counselor then you both have to be on board with that, otherwise it is just more agony.

Men hate to admit to spousal abuse when they receive it. Always, society sides with the woman it seems. It is just not 'manly' to admit to abuse. But it happens far more often than the media portrays.

Get your ducks in a row and prepare to separate. Take the reigns. Be in charge and not the victim in this situation. Hard choices are just that - very hard. Sometimes you have to take them. But above all, do not be in this abusive relationship just because of peer pressure or what folk will think.

Call the shots for a change. Be proactive and not reactive. Stand up.

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18 hours ago, justjoe said:

To set the backdrop.

Having some serious problems in my marriage.  I've been married for 15 years.  We came into this marriage with children.  I had one and my wife two.  A year ago this may our 2nd to oldest child fell off of a cliff and almost died.  He is now paralyzed from the waist down and that has been a huge heart ache for all of us.  We had many problems with him before his accident, he ran away when he was 17 and was having serious issues with porn.  He had been getting into drugs as well (and still is).  We have been absolutely grieved by all this, trying to support him and encourage him towards the Lord as much as we can.  It has been overwhelming.  We also have 7 other kids, for a total of 10.  8 still live at home.  

This last fall my view on what all happened.

This last fall, to put it bluntly my wife was unfaithful.  She was in a romantic relationship with a man from the hospital that Noah was staying at when he had sepsis.  The relationship did not turn physical before it was found out but it was very romantic in nature.  When I originally addressed it she lied to me.  It wasn’t a very long relationship; 6 days is all; but please know that hardly even months out now hardly a week goes by (often more like day) that I am not weeping over it.  My wife is largely ignorant of much she killed me.  I’ve realized that I put my trust in something empty.  I do love her, more than life; however, as we have moved on I’m realizing more and more that this relationship is based on my suffering.  After everything came out I was absolutely crushed.  I mean nothing to live for, emotional type crushed.  I hardly had a reason to go on it seemed.  We started working on things, and had an overnight without kids and since have just went on.  She doesn’t want to talk about it at all to the point she has threatened with “if you can’t get over this maybe we just won’t work out” when talking about it has started.  Her point was well taken and we haven’t talked about it.  What this shows me is what I have been shown many times through both actions and words, that she truly doesn’t love me.  She loves that I do things for her and treat her well, leave love notes, buy flowers, rub her back and feet but she has no true sacrificial love for me.  Maybe this is just my thoughts and not reality but there are certainly days that I look back and ask myself why was I the one picking up the broken pieces of our relationship and not her when it was me that she crushed?  Is this what marriage looks like?  Certainly, Christ suffered for his bride.  I just pray that it doesn’t stay this way.  There is a U2 song that says ‘I can’t live, with or without you’.  That is so how I feel.  This hurts so much, but I love her and still want her and would give my life for her.  I really need some godly advice.  I am not in need of sympathizers.

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the detail.

Forgiving someone that has dampened your feelings (about their love) can be insurmountable if you do not trust God for your walk (with the Holy spirit).

First off, get some distance from her.  You need a boundary.

Second, see how you do with a little separation.

See if that detail, just moving forward a bit in your life (ie. heading in God's direction) without her.

This breathing space might be the way to keep a 'frozen' in time, relationship because then suddenly you are no longer the victim, but the leader again, in both your lives, with God, as your head, and you, hers.

Begin there, for a fresh way of being in this marriage.

You have left off 'being responsible'.  Time to 'toughen up' and 'be more independent a thinker.  She is pushing you right now (ie. "we just won't work out").  Plan on 'not working out', but stay.  God then has room to 'make the ultimate' decision on who stays and in what relationship category (there are several, like 'being married in counseling', 'being separated, while in counseling' etc.)..

...and pray.

 

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 "I really need some godly advice.  I am not in need of sympathizers."

Hi,  okay, here is some Godly advice; you are in need of some sympathizers, as many as you can seek out that will engage with you in prayer to God for the help your entire family needs.

You have great need of prayer warriors, friends, local  church  community, cyber acquaintances. May many  be moved by the Holy Spirit to lift your family's need up to our LORD.

 I ask of my Lord for the manner in which I should be in prayer for your children, for your spouse, for you, and the entire  extended family. I just don't know; except to ask that many might come to your aid with prayer for you all.

And so, Father please hear my own prayer; I do ask that many will come close alongside of this large family. I ask that the drug problems be tended to by competent caregivers that will respect their duty and fulfill it. I pray that the children will bond together under your guidance and protection; and I pray for this marriage union to  survive, and if it is your will for this couple, that it even flourish into a very strong unit a husband and wife dedicated to  each other and to the children they are responsible for  parenting. It is a hard thing I ask, but I ask in certain hope that you hear and that your response will be to lighten the emotional load upon this family, and that they will be strengthened even beyond withstanding all challenges to it. May it become a testimony to your Glory. That is my prayer Lord, amen.

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