Struggling With Homosexuality

[MarkSeeker]

Hello guys. Nice to meet you all. My name is Mark, I am 24 years old and I've struggled with homosexuality for as long as I could remember!

Now, I'm kind of a "unique homosexual" when it comes to Christianity and stuff, because ever since the age of 5-6, I knew I was gay from attending church with my family members and hearing pastors speak about homosexuality and how it leads people to Hell for eternity. You can imagine how much this would scare a child who knows they identified with homosexuality, being effeminate, playing with dolls, have some gender dysphoria, etc. So I grew up having horrible nightmares about burning in Hell, constantly obsessing over going to Hell and obviously keeping all of this a secret from my parents and everybody else. It took quite a toll on me mentally and I struggled with these horrid, obsessive thoughts up until the age of 13-14, where I kind of "let go" and learned to accept my fate. Didn't mean I didn't struggle with these thoughts every now and then, or it didn't stay in the back of my mind... But it was no longer an obsession or a constant, every-day thought. And thankfully the horrid nightmares stopped.

But having these thoughts and nightmares were somewhat of a blessing in disguise, because it made me research more and more about God, what he expects from us, etc. So I was always a bit of an "outcast homosexual" because I did not agree with homosexuals views on spirituality, the after-life, marriage, etc. But regardless, my childhood was extremely difficult and by the time I became a junior in High School, I started dabbling with drug use. I eventually became addicted. I would be high all day in school, get high again after school and then get high at home when my parents were asleep. This was an every day occurance for many, many years. I feel like when people get high... They unconsciously (or sometimes consciously) open themselves up to the lower astral place where they can become possessed by all kinds of horrid spirits. I believe this is what happened to me... Because not long after, I developed very horrible social anxiety, to the point where I lost all my friends, my reputation and had to drop out. I developed an eating disorder for many years. I'm five foot nine and dropped down to 114 pounds so it got pretty bad. And my life just turned upside down. I became completely isolated. I would get nervous answering the house phone, let alone go outside and have to communicate with people in public. It was so awful and I never thought I could ever, ever overcome it - so I became super suicidal.

This thread is becoming super long so I don't want to get into every detail of what happened, but fast forward a few years, I got some therapy, quit drugs, was put on medication and my anxiety improved drastically. However, I still desperately struggle with it... And always wear sunglasses in public and sometimes at home to avoid making eye contact with people because it freaks me out and makes me super nervous and paranoid. This ultimately led me to start drinking, which has now, unfortunately become another addiction... Which really, really sucks because I worked so hard to overcome the drugs and now I'm an alcoholic. I enjoy drinking because it makes me feel like the "old me," before the anxiety and the drug use. I was always a super depressed child but I looked very strong and confident from the outside, and drinking brings that side of me that I lost out. I also forgot to mention that I've researched the occult, have somewhat of an addiction to Astrology and have done dozens and dozens of tarot card readings which I know also attract negative spirits into your life.

Anyway. I am at the point in my life where enough is enough. I know Jesus is the truth. I've known for my entire life. And I know he's called on me for many years but I ignored it. I am just done with the suffering and I want to repent and finally be happy. I just don't know how to go about it. And to be quite honest, I am very scared that I am not going to be strong enough to live a Holy lifestyle because the sin in me is so deep-rooted. And I never, ever, ever want to be one of those "fake Christians" who claim to be followers of the Lord but secretly have hate, envy and bad intentions in their hearts... Or they still knowingly sin, commit adultery or are just luke-warm about their beliefs. You know? I want to be the real deal but I feel like I am not strong enough to do it. And I am so scared that if I repent, start going to a nice church and try to save my life, the temptations and the trials are gonna come so hard that I'm gonna fall off the wagon and fall back into this miserable lifestyle.

Any tips/advice? And sorry for this super long thread.

[Willa]

Come to God just as you are and call out to God for His help.  You can't change yourself but God can.  He starts by changing our desires so that we hate the life of sin and desire to be like Christ.   Then He enters into us and starts cleansing us.  It is His job, not ours.  We are not to resist His work in us but just humble ourselves.  Only God is good.  And He comes to live in us.  Surrender every part of your life to His cleansing light.   

Rom 5:6  For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.

Rom 5:7  For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—

Rom 5:8  but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Rom 5:9  Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.

Rom 5:10  For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life.

Rom 5:11  More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.